Its been a challenging and emotional week. Learning a new skill, juggling the kids and lots of transitions. Over the last year my relationship with my autistic son has really come to life. Of all five of my kids, he was the one i struggled to connect with from day one. Emotionally, something just wasn't there. So next year he's starting at a special needs school. Its nothing against the staff or school but i do not want to send him. Unfortunately there's no choice. He is not yet ready for a less care oriented setting. Anyway i came to realise the deep love i do indeed feel for him. I feel it intensely and its a good thing. He had his farewell party yesterday and one of his teachers and he have the most affectionate relationship. Full of cuddles and he's like a little lamb in her arms even kissing her face, something he hasnt done with me since he was around 11 months old. Hes gonna be 6 soon. It was so beautiful. That early intervention unit is an amazing place. His whole class including him have made huge progress. So yesterday was a special day and a bit sad because it was goodbye. the husband attended and i wish he hadn't. Im under a deadline and the style of writing is new to me, not to mention juggling the three kids and their three different diets and making sure the house isn't a disgisting chaotic hellhole while fervently praying i don't run out of steam for work. This jobs so important to me. It's a way forward. The money's good but the rewards for me are more to do with independence and personal agency outside of kids and marriage. Its been crap emotionally not having a paid job. Just feeling like so much value gets placed on one earning money when in all honesty raising these three alone really, has been the most terrifying and labour intensive and tiring thing I've ever done. At one stage three were in nappies and none talked! God above that was a hard year, one i couldn't even admit to myself was hard until it was over. Love these little people so much And am just in tears now, don't know what they are but its not hurt. Maybe a feeling of shutting one door quietly and moving towards an unknown room. Anyway if this gig works out im going to have to look at home supports. Worked for a straight 12 hours from 1pm yesterday. House was just a total and epic disaster, kids neglected and up late, man oh man. Seriously how hard is it to do something on a short term one off basis following established routines? Im quite disappointed. Never mind.
Needed to vent.
hotrod said
Dec 15, 2016
(((A41)) What a beautiful heart felt share!! How wonderful that your autistic son is blossoming and you can witness it. Your hard work and dedication are paying off.
Love your new picture you are a beautiful woman. Please know that HP is with you during all these new challenges as he has been in the past
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Iamhere said
Dec 15, 2016
(((Hugs))) for you girl - great new photo in your avatar - you are beautiful.....inside and outside. Your share is awesome and it shows how deeply and passionately you love - not just your children but also yourself. My best suggestion for you is truly one moment and one day at a time. I realized after many milestones that change is hard for everyone - even the kids. It's not that they are resisting but rather they are adjusting. It's a different routine and we all prefer to stick to our routines.
Each time we embraced any change, big/small, we did in time adjust to a new normal. It sure sounds like you're adjusting. I believe in you and your processing is wonderful. Special hugs to your little guy - may his progress continue and he shine always in his own special light.
We're here for you - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers for you all!
a4l said
Dec 16, 2016
Thanks. I recently started escaping the house and kids to go shopping alone and pamper myself. Its weird here you know? like i just get taken for granted which i expect with the kids to some extent at this age. The home front is a literal mess and i can't Stand it. I remind myself daily of how much i do. And yes, i deserve to feel nice. I am very much hoping to earn enough to leave and start fresh with everything the way i like it. I can't tell you how utterly demoralising it is to be with another adult who disrespects every part of the home process. Im not a clean freak--though i wish i was-- but i do need beauty and order in my living space. Its not always easy with three kids no family network and a child with high sensory needs. Ge makes a mess like you wouldn't beleive, climbs, rips paper, picks up random items, drops them everywere, chews anything and everything. Doors have to be locked, items placed up high. one kid has food allergies, another has intolerances. Laundry and dishes never ever end and nothing ever really gets thoroughly meticulously clean because they are all home always until next year and by the time they nap i just want to stare into space marvelling at the wonderdul nothingness of it all. Still, we have managed to achieve a basic structure and system meaning no one gets sore eyes just from opening them. And no one falls out windows, runs out doors, ods on medications, drinks poison or sits in filth. When we go out, everyones tidy and well behaved. But none of that ever gets acknowledged around here. Im so disgusted looking around my house just from one day of relying on the father. Disgusted. The kids are so easy to look after at night. I came home from a two hour work stint to kids dirty and running around the house, making rudiculous amounts and types of mess, no naps, no dinner prepared and the entire kitchen pulled out onto the table and furniture moved about And a broken filing cabinet Sitting in the chair. The front porch i scrubbed clean, redecorated, potted palms, hung lights when all 3 kids were sick. Random strangers mentioned how pretty it looked. And straight away junk starts reappearing. So i stripped the porch and rehomed the plants. Today it is disgusting thats the word of the day. It looks messy and uncared for. I feel like im living with a caveman. But im not a cave woman at all. And damned if im raising little cave children bwahaha. On that happy note im off. Patience and prudence is required.
hotrod said
Dec 16, 2016
((A41))) You are a marvel and the children so very fortunate to have you as a mom. I too lived with a hubby who despised house work,and refused to contribute to maintaining any sort of order. You are a marvel so very happy that you have decided to pamper yourself. You so deserve it.
Positive thought on the way .
Iamhere said
Dec 16, 2016
I'm sending positive thoughts also - I get it....oh - I get it!!! I am a neat freak and the perpetual messes used to put me over the edge. I had to remind myself that my neatness or tidiness mattered only to me and would never be recognized nor on my tombstone. I let a ton of it go - I'm in the rapid fire cleaning mode as my parents are coming tomorrow and I am hosting a large family gathering on Sunday. For me, it's almost therapeutic to do a deep clean and resume some of my orderly obsessions!
I agree with Betty though - you are doing awesome. Be gentle with you and it does all seem to work itself out one way or another!
(((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Dec 16, 2016
Stop. The beating yourself up .. This is all new and with that comes huge adjustments. I'm just learning how to stop trying to do it all and think it has to be perfect. Take the help where you can get it. The other issue is of your kids are old enough utilize them as well it has taken me years to get that through my thick head. In my case my kids are older .. I came home to a distaster of a kitchen last night after 8pm still had to cook dinner. I set a very clear boundary .. They need to work out their chores. I do not need to think for them. They are intelligent people who need to learn to live independently. I won't be cooking dinner anymore if the kitchen is not clean for me to start. Daughter made two batches of candy and it was a mess. So she's also been put on notice if I have to supervise her freedom in the kitchen will be clipped and she will be dictated to as to cleaning up. I gave her a list of what a clean kitchen means to me .. Counters wiped off .. Floors swept .. Sinks cleaned .. Stove wiped up and dishwasher loaded and ran if necessary. They also know lots of boxed dinners in their future and I'll be going out to eat and to bed when I come home. For me this saves my sanity .. It means hands off and let things work themselves out. I don't have to be perfect and neither do they. For whatever reason last night I was done. It's part of self care for me. Knowing there are additional hands in the house who can accomplish tasks. Before recovery I would not have been able to let go. You will find your groove .. Be very gentle with yourself it's going to take time, trial and error as well .. That's ok .. At least it did for me and I'm still learning!! :)
2HP said
Dec 17, 2016
well, I loved your "babble" with one word coming to mind........COURAGE
It takes courage to step beyond what is comfortable, predictable and known... more courage than most of us have but youre doing it!
Your post is full of both good and bad....this is LIFE. I encourage you to be vigilant about watching where your focus goes.... because what we focus on GROWS BIGGER.... with emotions following the thoughts. Negativity is a big one for me, I really gotta watch for negative thoughts.
As for the house and other things NOT spiritual, our slogan HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? is a gem for me. My perfectionism wanes considerably when I listen to the recovery angel in my head saying, "its good enough, sweetie"
......against the old shaming inner critic telling me, "More, more.... harder, harder.... this looks terrible....you will never be enough..... sometimes that voice needs a good scolding, "shut the F**K up"
Meditation practice helps to detach... attaching my mind to eternity... where the house doesn't even exist anymore, lol
Thank you for posting your journey here... be kind to YOU... one foot in front of the other... faithfully doing the next right thing.... beautiful.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 17th of December 2016 11:56:54 AM
Jerry F said
Dec 17, 2016
I love this post and the responses and ask myself how would this have helped me recover thru the slogan "take what you liked and leave the rest". Isn't that what it is all about?...letting go of perfection and gaining progress? Yet I agree in part with all that has been shared knowing that it would have helped me also. After my morning meeting a young sober man wanted to talk and sure I won't miss the chance to keep my mind open and find help while trying to share some that might help him also. No he didn't ask me to sponsor him just talk and I hope I stayed in boundaries with my ESH. I listened and babbled and he listened and babbled and part of what was so important for me came up in the subject of perspective...how I see what I see and how I hear and feel it...soooo important to "getting it" and sharing it back. Another was how so very important to me to be aware that we do not outdistance HP ever. When I assure myself that HP is right there I also assure myself that my ego isn't.
Mahalo Ladies for the lessons. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Dec 18, 2016
Lol @.stfu to the inner critic. Its not perfectionism at play here. Its "hey, people: my name is not miss piggy and this isn't your pen". The husband has this amazing ability to do nothing around the place yet come up with massive criricisms and total ignorance of whats involved with a 5,3 and 2 year old one with additional needs. He decided to reorganise the entire kitchen-- totally unneccesary, a tidy up of the existing layout would have been sufficient-- leaving the kids to their own unsupervised vices which is just not good enough. Not good enough and a total s** head thing to do because guess who gets to clean up that mess? Me. After i spend another 12 straight hours on my work no exaggeration. and to me when clean and tidy is a health or safety issue, its important. if i didn't have kids, i wouldn't pick up a damn thing that wasn't mine. he however can ignore basics and pursue perfection in areas. In my kitchen to be specific. I actually personally think its a load of shite. I think its insecurity about work and confidence and sabotaging me where it hurts most, in the home which is my labour of love. Still its important to me to touch base with non insane people otherwise it does do my head in. We got through the weekend. I decided from sheer emotional exhaustion to counter aggression with gentle honesty. " this sucks, i don't like it, you need to talk to me or i don't know whats bothering you, and its not a good time to pull stuff out when I'm trying to exploit an opportunity i might not get again". Overall, im taking all of this one day at a time. Im going to read all of this esh repeatedly, the good and the bad do indeed make up the whole of this picture called life. Hooray to life and not quitting on it over one thing or another! Thats new for me. Thanks everybody!
(((A41)) What a beautiful heart felt share!! How wonderful that your autistic son is blossoming and you can witness it. Your hard work and dedication are paying off.
Love your new picture you are a beautiful woman. Please know that HP is with you during all these new challenges as he has been in the past
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Each time we embraced any change, big/small, we did in time adjust to a new normal. It sure sounds like you're adjusting. I believe in you and your processing is wonderful. Special hugs to your little guy - may his progress continue and he shine always in his own special light.
We're here for you - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers for you all!
Positive thought on the way .
I agree with Betty though - you are doing awesome. Be gentle with you and it does all seem to work itself out one way or another!
(((Hugs)))
well, I loved your "babble" with one word coming to mind........COURAGE
It takes courage to step beyond what is comfortable, predictable and known... more courage than most of us have but youre doing it!
Your post is full of both good and bad....this is LIFE. I encourage you to be vigilant about watching where your focus goes.... because what we focus on GROWS BIGGER.... with emotions following the thoughts. Negativity is a big one for me, I really gotta watch for negative thoughts.
As for the house and other things NOT spiritual, our slogan HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? is a gem for me. My perfectionism wanes considerably when I listen to the recovery angel in my head saying, "its good enough, sweetie"
......against the old shaming inner critic telling me, "More, more.... harder, harder.... this looks terrible....you will never be enough..... sometimes that voice needs a good scolding, "shut the F**K up"
Meditation practice helps to detach... attaching my mind to eternity... where the house doesn't even exist anymore, lol
Thank you for posting your journey here... be kind to YOU... one foot in front of the other... faithfully doing the next right thing.... beautiful.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 17th of December 2016 11:56:54 AM
I love this post and the responses and ask myself how would this have helped me recover thru the slogan "take what you liked and leave the rest". Isn't that what it is all about?...letting go of perfection and gaining progress? Yet I agree in part with all that has been shared knowing that it would have helped me also. After my morning meeting a young sober man wanted to talk and sure I won't miss the chance to keep my mind open and find help while trying to share some that might help him also. No he didn't ask me to sponsor him just talk and I hope I stayed in boundaries with my ESH. I listened and babbled and he listened and babbled and part of what was so important for me came up in the subject of perspective...how I see what I see and how I hear and feel it...soooo important to "getting it" and sharing it back. Another was how so very important to me to be aware that we do not outdistance HP ever. When I assure myself that HP is right there I also assure myself that my ego isn't.
Mahalo Ladies for the lessons. ((((hugs))))
Lol @.stfu to the inner critic. Its not perfectionism at play here. Its "hey, people: my name is not miss piggy and this isn't your pen". The husband has this amazing ability to do nothing around the place yet come up with massive criricisms and total ignorance of whats involved with a 5,3 and 2 year old one with additional needs. He decided to reorganise the entire kitchen-- totally unneccesary, a tidy up of the existing layout would have been sufficient-- leaving the kids to their own unsupervised vices which is just not good enough. Not good enough and a total s** head thing to do because guess who gets to clean up that mess? Me. After i spend another 12 straight hours on my work no exaggeration. and to me when clean and tidy is a health or safety issue, its important. if i didn't have kids, i wouldn't pick up a damn thing that wasn't mine. he however can ignore basics and pursue perfection in areas. In my kitchen to be specific. I actually personally think its a load of shite. I think its insecurity about work and confidence and sabotaging me where it hurts most, in the home which is my labour of love. Still its important to me to touch base with non insane people otherwise it does do my head in. We got through the weekend. I decided from sheer emotional exhaustion to counter aggression with gentle honesty. " this sucks, i don't like it, you need to talk to me or i don't know whats bothering you, and its not a good time to pull stuff out when I'm trying to exploit an opportunity i might not get again". Overall, im taking all of this one day at a time. Im going to read all of this esh repeatedly, the good and the bad do indeed make up the whole of this picture called life. Hooray to life and not quitting on it over one thing or another! Thats new for me. Thanks everybody!