Found bottle in the garbage. Advice on what to say and do next
SDB said
Dec 15, 2016
So I was throwing something in the garbage can in our living room this morning before I went off to work and saw a vodka flask in the tiny can.
I assumed my husband was out drinking last night (he took out $40 and disappeared for 2 1/2 hours after we got out of couples therapy - I think he may have been drinking before therapy because when I picked him up after work he smelled like mouthwash when he got in the car), so not a complete surprise. I'm trying to figure out in terms of Al Anon steps/thinking what I should do next. I didn't immediately confront him about it or put it out on the table like I've done in the past. He just did detox because of a drinking binge back in mid-October and was supposed to do follow up aftercare, which hasn't happened at all. He is taking Naltrexone, which is supposed to help curb the urges and ideally cut down on the amount if he does drink. (I guess I should be happy it wasn't a gallon and only a flask.)
Usually I'd go home for lunch since I only work a few blocks away and I'm not doing that today because I'm already almost at tears writing this at my desk. But I'm trying to figure out how to act, what to say and what to do when I get home tonight. I'm a little heartbroken by the whole thing. Our baby girl is due in 4 months and I'm worried that I won't be able to depend on him at all. He hasn't worked in nearly 3 years and although it might be nice to not have to pay for daycare, I don't think at this point I could trust him to watch her. When I've mentioned that to him, he scoffs it off and says he'll clean up his act when she arrives (he said he'd clean up his act when I got pregnant, so his track record isn't too good at this point.)
Prissykitty said
Dec 15, 2016
Hugs friend. I'm also pregnant. It's terrifying to worry about how this will all affect me and my kids in the future. I actually have worried my husband may not make it to the birth for whatever reason. I went out and made a bunch of back-up plans and made sure I had support in case I couldn't count on him. I read somewhere on here or maybe in a face to face meeting, that someone had to act as if husband wasn't even around and to learn to do everything as if a single parent. It's terrifying but it's easier than fearing for your child's safety, or being let down by someone.
As for the confronting-I read something else that said to say what you mean but don't say it mean. And speak your truth without trying to control the other person. So if you want to express a thought, do so, but try to do so without any expectations of the other person changing because of it.
I'm new to all this too, but I hope you know you're not the only one pregnant and terrified. ((Hugs.))
SDB said
Dec 15, 2016
Thanks @PrissyKitty. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I've signed us up for birthing classes the 4 Tuesdays in January, who knows if he'll make it to them. The last time we did something like that was a first-time home buyers class over the summer and the very last class he showed up drunk and then he nearly threw away the certificates a few months later in one of his drunken "cleaning binges."
I'll try my best to not "say it mean." I heard something at the F2F meeting I went to on Tuesday that wasn't conference approved, but was kind of helpful: "Is it caring, not controlling and helpful, not annoying." I guess I'll try to run those through my head for the next 8 hours and see how it goes.
I'll also try to think up of a backup plan just in case to get to the hospital in April. Honestly I'll probably need to use it anyways because he hasn't driven in like 20 years and he doesn't seem to want to prioritize getting back behind the wheel anytime soon (and who knows if he'll be in the right frame of mind anyways.)
SerenityRUS said
Dec 15, 2016
I like what you had to say .. Often times I am stuck in T.H.I.N.K. Thoughtful. Honest. Intelligent. Necessary. Kind. I have not found confronting the A helpful. At least in the beginning of my recovery .. As I got more into recovery I was able to make factual statements not accusations and I stuck to boundaries of what was ok for me .. He's my XAH now so I had to make choices for myself that were best for the kids and I. You both need to take care of you because you are fostering another life. Keeping the focus on you and those babies will be healthy and good for you all!! Hugs S ;)
Jazzie18 said
Dec 15, 2016
Big hugs to you SDB. In my experience, nothing good comes of confronting an active A. Please think of what your expectations are before you confront him, if you decide to do so. If you are expecting an honest answer and validation that you were right I would think twice about even bringing it up. When I did this with my AH, it was always a lie that came out of his mouth. I guess I was just so sick at that point that I really thought at one point he would tell me the truth. The truth only came when he hit his bottom and really admitted he was an alcoholic and how much he drank on a daily basis.
I think you are right to assume he can not be relied upon to watch a newborn. I have two kids and when my AH was active, I had to tell our babysitter that in no way he could get into the car with one of them. They just are so sick that all they think about are themselves and where the next drink is coming from.
Sending you prayers and hugs.
Jerry F said
Dec 15, 2016
That is great ESH Jazzie. It is how this works. (((hugs)))
SDB said
Dec 15, 2016
So it's the end of the day and I've managed to go the day without calling or texting him, which is good. I usually call on my walk home, but considering the blast of Artic air that we're getting in New England, I'm not going to do that.
Who knows I may come home and he'll be fine. I may go home and he'll be passed out and have spent the last $10 he had on more vodka. If that's the case, I'm going to let him stay passed out, make myself dinner and wake him up when I want to go to bed and tell him he can sleep on the couch again.
Since I'm still pretty pissed off about the whole thing, I guess I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now. This is something completely new for me because usually first thing I'd do when I walked in the door would be to say, "We need to talk." Since that never works (obviously) I guess I'll let it just stay for now.
My trust for him is pretty much shot and I really want to talk to him about how I think that is at the crux of a lot of our communications problems and feeling of being disconnected right now. It's like I feel like I'm living with a roommate and not a husband. But not a good roommate at that -- one who doesn't contribute, lies and steals. But again, since I'm still being mean about the whole thing I guess I shouldn't talk to him about it, right?
SDB said
Dec 15, 2016
So I got home and he's drunk but not enough to be passed out. I'm going to start making dinner because I'm so triggered right now and just want to scream.
el-cee said
Dec 15, 2016
I remember this type of hell. Pregnant, working, coming home to a drunk man. God it's almost too much to bare. My heart goes out to you. I don't know if you have alanon or not but it's too much to do alone. Alanon will get you a support network, a family that truly understandsorry this journey. I so wish I had got to alanon at the beginning of my family because raising children in it has major consequences along the road in my own experience .
hotrod said
Dec 15, 2016
(((SDB)) Recite the serenity prayer and know you are not alone. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Iamhere said
Dec 15, 2016
(((SDB))) - I'm with Betty - sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I recall these scenarios, and I did much better and felt much better when I was able to just stay on my side of the street. I have room in my house, so I was able to vacate from the qualifier and call my sponsor or a trusted program friend or just watch TV/listen to music/read literature - anything constructive and healthy to detach (not always with love in the beginning....often with indifference).
You are not alone and we're here as best we can be for you!
SDB said
Dec 15, 2016
I made dinner and ate. He went to bed right after, which meant I had hours of quiet by myself. I did some knitting and watched some TV. Surprisingly I'm much more calm than I usually would be, so I'm going to call this one a victory in trying to do something different and keeping my sanity.
hotrod said
Dec 15, 2016
Good work Keep on keeping on as your peace of mind is most precious
a4l said
Dec 16, 2016
Theres a beauty to your situation. Not being complicit to anothers addiction because you are minding your side of the street instead. Well done!
Iamhere said
Dec 16, 2016
Good on you SDB - good on you. It's often very challenging living with active alcoholism so carving out quiet time - no matter how we get it - is a huge success in my world. Keep working it!!
KT2015 said
Dec 16, 2016
Good for you that is so difficult to do. In the beginning I too had to refrain from talking and arguing with my AH especially when I was angry and disappointed. I'm so glad you got some space and peace last night. I really thought it was great progress that you are thinking about plan B for the baby being born. I know how hard that can be especially in the beginning to have to let go of the expectations especially over something so important. That takes a lot of strength. It took me a long time to accept that I couldn't rely on my AH the way I wanted to be able to rely on him. But it turns out I found a lot of strength within myself and I learned to rely on others and ask them for help when I need it. Hang in there you are doing great. Just take it one day at a time.
HUGS
El said
Dec 16, 2016
So sorry you are experiencing this at such a special time. For those of us who live or have lived with an active A spouse, we know the disappointment of life not looking like what we want it to be. Expectations of our A need to be zapped as they don't have the ability to follow through, even if it their intent to do so.
It is so great that you are starting to make a plan B for yourself and the baby. Be gentle with yourself because it takes practice and patience to stay on your side of the street. I too struggle with not confronting my AH with his sneak drinkin, and all sorts of negative behavior.
Keep coming here, it helps immensely!
(((Hugs)))
SDB said
Dec 16, 2016
Thanks for all the words of encouragement and replies. It was definitely helpful to hear from others as I was trying to get through yesterday. He woke up around 10 and watched tv with me for a while and then I went to bed and he slept on the couch.
I asked him this morning if my husband was going to be there when I got home tonight. He seemed a bit perplexed and asked what I meant. I just said he wasn't himself the last two days and my husband was gone. He asked who was there instead and I said my the person that appears when you're under the influence of alcohol and left it at that. He didn't get defensive and I didn't push it. So we'll see what tonight brings.
It was definitely less stressful on myself to handle it the way that I did and I need to remember that confronting the AH when they're under the influence is completely pointless. He would always deny it and I would always end up screaming and crying. Who knew this whole "keeping to my side of the street" might actually be beneficial to me!?! (I used to think that was a whole bunch of malarkey.) I guess we can start to call this an awakening. It only took nearly a year of being in Al-Anon to reach it!
maryjane said
Dec 16, 2016
Hi,
I'm glad you are starting to reap the rewards of the program. I feel that spouting the same old stuff about the program falls on new ears with a lot of skepticism...... but it is good to hear you "get it" now. It also took me at least a year before I could say I was changing enough to make a difference in my outlook on life. The changes in us are so gradual and life is coming at us so fast. Good news from you.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
Tash16 said
Dec 23, 2016
Hey- just wanted to say thanks so much for posting this. I was looking for a reminder around confrontation & when to say things & this & all the comments have helped so much.
My AH has had a pretty good year, he's a binge drinker on the whole & can go a while without drinking (tho is then a dry drunk, always thinking abiut it). He's been going to the gym, eating healthy & identifying triggers. But as Christmas approaches I just know we are approaching a big blow out. Experience means I can now see these coming but a night out with his brother (big trigger) next week will definitely be it & ive been trying to work out how to handle it. Should I tell him what I see beforehand or wait until whatever disaster strikes afterwards (last time he fell & knocked himself out & kids saw it all).
I think I'm clear now that I just need to keep my thoughts to myself - they will have no effect if I speak them anyway. But I had forgotten what it's like living with the anxiety of this. It's clouding my enjoyment of Christmas & I must not let it.
Thanks for sharing x
Iamhere said
Dec 23, 2016
Welcome to MIP Tash16 - glad you found us and glad you joined right in! Keep coming back - porch light is always on!!
Jerry F said
Dec 23, 2016
It seems you have learned how to "re-picture" the problem sister...arrange it that it is better understood without anxiety and judgement ...good on you. I liked learning that also cause it caused my alcoholic/addict wife to see the picture from another angle and spend time on the problem. YAY for you. Yay for him. (((((hugs)))))
Calm Lady said
Dec 25, 2016
I found a lot of peace from not confronting AH about his drinking.
Also when I realised I was allowed to decline invitations from him to discuss his drinking. Ie for him to get off his chest how guilty he felt, which then enabled him to drink freely and without guilt for a while.
So not a discussion at all. I came to realise it was enabling. So I started to decline.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 25th of December 2016 04:35:06 AM
So I was throwing something in the garbage can in our living room this morning before I went off to work and saw a vodka flask in the tiny can.
I assumed my husband was out drinking last night (he took out $40 and disappeared for 2 1/2 hours after we got out of couples therapy - I think he may have been drinking before therapy because when I picked him up after work he smelled like mouthwash when he got in the car), so not a complete surprise. I'm trying to figure out in terms of Al Anon steps/thinking what I should do next. I didn't immediately confront him about it or put it out on the table like I've done in the past. He just did detox because of a drinking binge back in mid-October and was supposed to do follow up aftercare, which hasn't happened at all. He is taking Naltrexone, which is supposed to help curb the urges and ideally cut down on the amount if he does drink. (I guess I should be happy it wasn't a gallon and only a flask.)
Usually I'd go home for lunch since I only work a few blocks away and I'm not doing that today because I'm already almost at tears writing this at my desk. But I'm trying to figure out how to act, what to say and what to do when I get home tonight. I'm a little heartbroken by the whole thing. Our baby girl is due in 4 months and I'm worried that I won't be able to depend on him at all. He hasn't worked in nearly 3 years and although it might be nice to not have to pay for daycare, I don't think at this point I could trust him to watch her. When I've mentioned that to him, he scoffs it off and says he'll clean up his act when she arrives (he said he'd clean up his act when I got pregnant, so his track record isn't too good at this point.)
Thanks @PrissyKitty. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I've signed us up for birthing classes the 4 Tuesdays in January, who knows if he'll make it to them. The last time we did something like that was a first-time home buyers class over the summer and the very last class he showed up drunk and then he nearly threw away the certificates a few months later in one of his drunken "cleaning binges."
I'll try my best to not "say it mean." I heard something at the F2F meeting I went to on Tuesday that wasn't conference approved, but was kind of helpful: "Is it caring, not controlling and helpful, not annoying." I guess I'll try to run those through my head for the next 8 hours and see how it goes.
I'll also try to think up of a backup plan just in case to get to the hospital in April. Honestly I'll probably need to use it anyways because he hasn't driven in like 20 years and he doesn't seem to want to prioritize getting back behind the wheel anytime soon (and who knows if he'll be in the right frame of mind anyways.)
I think you are right to assume he can not be relied upon to watch a newborn. I have two kids and when my AH was active, I had to tell our babysitter that in no way he could get into the car with one of them. They just are so sick that all they think about are themselves and where the next drink is coming from.
Sending you prayers and hugs.
That is great ESH Jazzie. It is how this works. (((hugs)))
Who knows I may come home and he'll be fine. I may go home and he'll be passed out and have spent the last $10 he had on more vodka. If that's the case, I'm going to let him stay passed out, make myself dinner and wake him up when I want to go to bed and tell him he can sleep on the couch again.
Since I'm still pretty pissed off about the whole thing, I guess I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now. This is something completely new for me because usually first thing I'd do when I walked in the door would be to say, "We need to talk." Since that never works (obviously) I guess I'll let it just stay for now.
My trust for him is pretty much shot and I really want to talk to him about how I think that is at the crux of a lot of our communications problems and feeling of being disconnected right now. It's like I feel like I'm living with a roommate and not a husband. But not a good roommate at that -- one who doesn't contribute, lies and steals. But again, since I'm still being mean about the whole thing I guess I shouldn't talk to him about it, right?
You are not alone and we're here as best we can be for you!
Good work Keep on keeping on as your peace of mind is most precious
HUGS
So sorry you are experiencing this at such a special time. For those of us who live or have lived with an active A spouse, we know the disappointment of life not looking like what we want it to be. Expectations of our A need to be zapped as they don't have the ability to follow through, even if it their intent to do so.
It is so great that you are starting to make a plan B for yourself and the baby. Be gentle with yourself because it takes practice and patience to stay on your side of the street. I too struggle with not confronting my AH with his sneak drinkin, and all sorts of negative behavior.
Keep coming here, it helps immensely!
(((Hugs)))
I asked him this morning if my husband was going to be there when I got home tonight. He seemed a bit perplexed and asked what I meant. I just said he wasn't himself the last two days and my husband was gone. He asked who was there instead and I said my the person that appears when you're under the influence of alcohol and left it at that. He didn't get defensive and I didn't push it. So we'll see what tonight brings.
It was definitely less stressful on myself to handle it the way that I did and I need to remember that confronting the AH when they're under the influence is completely pointless. He would always deny it and I would always end up screaming and crying. Who knew this whole "keeping to my side of the street" might actually be beneficial to me!?! (I used to think that was a whole bunch of malarkey.) I guess we can start to call this an awakening. It only took nearly a year of being in Al-Anon to reach it!
I'm glad you are starting to reap the rewards of the program. I feel that spouting the same old stuff about the program falls on new ears with a lot of skepticism...... but it is good to hear you "get it" now. It also took me at least a year before I could say I was changing enough to make a difference in my outlook on life. The changes in us are so gradual and life is coming at us so fast. Good news from you.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
My AH has had a pretty good year, he's a binge drinker on the whole & can go a while without drinking (tho is then a dry drunk, always thinking abiut it). He's been going to the gym, eating healthy & identifying triggers. But as Christmas approaches I just know we are approaching a big blow out. Experience means I can now see these coming but a night out with his brother (big trigger) next week will definitely be it & ive been trying to work out how to handle it. Should I tell him what I see beforehand or wait until whatever disaster strikes afterwards (last time he fell & knocked himself out & kids saw it all).
I think I'm clear now that I just need to keep my thoughts to myself - they will have no effect if I speak them anyway. But I had forgotten what it's like living with the anxiety of this. It's clouding my enjoyment of Christmas & I must not let it.
Thanks for sharing x
It seems you have learned how to "re-picture" the problem sister...arrange it that it is better understood without anxiety and judgement ...good on you. I liked learning that also cause it caused my alcoholic/addict wife to see the picture from another angle and spend time on the problem. YAY for you. Yay for him. (((((hugs)))))
I found a lot of peace from not confronting AH about his drinking.
Also when I realised I was allowed to decline invitations from him to discuss his drinking. Ie for him to get off his chest how guilty he felt, which then enabled him to drink freely and without guilt for a while.
So not a discussion at all. I came to realise it was enabling. So I started to decline.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 25th of December 2016 04:35:06 AM