Hi All, this is my first post here. My brother (49) & his wife (40) are currently homeless due to their alcohol drinking & drug use.
My family finally stopped enabling them and they hit rock bottom losing everything, including their house, car, & their own child to foster care. To have visits with their son, they must be sober. I know they are working a program through Child Protective Services. I received a text from by brother saying they are staying at a mission and working "the program." I replied back that I was grateful for the info and glad they were safe. I also told them to use every resource available to get well.
I think about my brother everyday...sometimes every hour. I want to know how he is doing.
I want to text him messages to let him know I support him and keep up the good work, but I am fearful that he may ask me for help again or lash out in anger at his current homeless situation.
I want him to know I am rooting for his recovery. Is this still enabling? Is contacting him through texting helpful or hurtful?
Thank you for reading.
hotrod said
Dec 14, 2016
Welcome Patricia, I am sorry to read of the situation that alcoholism has brought to your family. I am pleased that your brother is implementing the help avaialble to him and would like to mention that Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with or are living with this dreadful disease.
Since alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless, it is important that family members seek a program of recovery in order to develop a support for themselves. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white page. You will find literature and a supportive network of people who really understand.
Although we do not give advice, we do share our own experience, strength and hope in order to grow and solve our own problems. It is important that we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, examine our motives before we act and to understand that we re truly powerless over people, places and things.
Your concern for your brother is understandable and I would suggest that praying for him is a great option.
Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Dec 14, 2016
Welcome Patricia to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am sorry for the pain and sadness caused by this disease. It's so hard to watch those we love self-destruct. The good news is that your qualifiers, just for today, are safe, warm, sober and working a recovery program! Not all who arrive at Al-Anon have that as a starting point....and perhaps, again - just for today - that's what you should consider when/if your mind drifts beyond you and your own recovery and needs.
The disease is powerful and reaches beyond the drinker, typically affecting all who love or live with them. It's considered a family disease as most tend to act/react to the disease in unhealthy ways and our thinking becomes distorted as the disease affects those we love and those around them. As Betty suggests, our recovery program, Al-Anon has been a game-changer for me. It's taught me how to detach with love, how to establish boundaries to support vs. enable my qualifiers and how to keep the focus on me and my needs.
We do examine our motives in recovery to ensure we have no expectation in return. When my qualifiers were 'removed', I did send texts every now and again, just to say what was in my heart - I am thinking of you and praying for you. I did not ask questions (that's a trigger for my qualifiers) nor did I suggest they respond - I allowed them the dignity to do so or not. With pure motives, there is no shame in contacting one with the disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Patricia Lynn said
Dec 15, 2016
Thank you both. I'll be looking for an Alanon meeting nearby.
Maresie25 said
Dec 15, 2016
I know a number of people who are homeless because of their addiction. I also know one young woman who lost her life this week due to reckless behavior around her addiction.
I don't know what to tell you around sending encouraging messsages. I do know people who made it back from homelessness it is an extremely gruelling journey
I know the people I know who are homeless are in my thoughts and prayers. They know it too. I have a lot of limits on what I will do. They understand that
I think that is the most important thing to know your limits. I have my own life. I cannot be swayed from that life. I have my own his goals. Their situation is real clear to me. I also know categorically there are resources and there are programs.
For some people there is no bottom. I didn't know the woman I know died this week very well but I know her addiction swallowed her up completely. For some people that is inevitable. Recovery dies happen for some people and I am not sure what the bottom is for others. Some people for sure don't make it.
Maresie45
el-cee said
Dec 15, 2016
I so admire your family. It takes a lot for a family to gain the wisdom needed to fully let go and allow the proper consequences to happen. We are conditioned to rescue and save and fix and this is harmful. Your brother and his wife have the best chance to reach their bottom and then there is hope. Although, the fact they have not lost each other may keep their disease active for longer than if they lost that too. It sounds heartless to think that some people need to lose it all to have a chance of recovery and a good life but they may be enabling each other to continue.
It sounds like maybe your a bit obsessed with their life and this takes the focus off yours and is part of the family disease. Alanon would be of great help to you and your life as this should be your priority. Your brother and his wife are getting exactly what they need if they are to have any chance of changing but this may never happen and so your happiness and peace of mind cant be dependant on them or if it is then you have given away your power over yourself and your life into the hands of people who cant make you happy.
As for contacting and offering support, it sounds harmless enough but it depends on your own motives that can be difficult to weed out. If its to try to influence their recovery then that is interfering , if its due to any guilt within you then you should work to drop that. You didnt cause this. Although, I would also be tempted to let them know Im thinking of them and I hope they are getting what they need. I would also try hard to let them go and live as fully as I can regardless of whats going on with them. They are not children or innocent victims here. They are adults making choices for themselves regardless of anyone else.
LinSC said
Dec 15, 2016
What el-fee said in her reply was very well said, and in a nutshell.
take care of yourself PL.... And keep coming back here to understand more... Linsc
Welcome Patricia, I am sorry to read of the situation that alcoholism has brought to your family. I am pleased that your brother is implementing the help avaialble to him and would like to mention that Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with or are living with this dreadful disease.
Since alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless, it is important that family members seek a program of recovery in order to develop a support for themselves. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white page. You will find literature and a supportive network of people who really understand.
Although we do not give advice, we do share our own experience, strength and hope in order to grow and solve our own problems. It is important that we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, examine our motives before we act and to understand that we re truly powerless over people, places and things.
Your concern for your brother is understandable and I would suggest that praying for him is a great option.
Keep coming back
The disease is powerful and reaches beyond the drinker, typically affecting all who love or live with them. It's considered a family disease as most tend to act/react to the disease in unhealthy ways and our thinking becomes distorted as the disease affects those we love and those around them. As Betty suggests, our recovery program, Al-Anon has been a game-changer for me. It's taught me how to detach with love, how to establish boundaries to support vs. enable my qualifiers and how to keep the focus on me and my needs.
We do examine our motives in recovery to ensure we have no expectation in return. When my qualifiers were 'removed', I did send texts every now and again, just to say what was in my heart - I am thinking of you and praying for you. I did not ask questions (that's a trigger for my qualifiers) nor did I suggest they respond - I allowed them the dignity to do so or not. With pure motives, there is no shame in contacting one with the disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
I so admire your family. It takes a lot for a family to gain the wisdom needed to fully let go and allow the proper consequences to happen. We are conditioned to rescue and save and fix and this is harmful. Your brother and his wife have the best chance to reach their bottom and then there is hope. Although, the fact they have not lost each other may keep their disease active for longer than if they lost that too. It sounds heartless to think that some people need to lose it all to have a chance of recovery and a good life but they may be enabling each other to continue.
It sounds like maybe your a bit obsessed with their life and this takes the focus off yours and is part of the family disease. Alanon would be of great help to you and your life as this should be your priority. Your brother and his wife are getting exactly what they need if they are to have any chance of changing but this may never happen and so your happiness and peace of mind cant be dependant on them or if it is then you have given away your power over yourself and your life into the hands of people who cant make you happy.
As for contacting and offering support, it sounds harmless enough but it depends on your own motives that can be difficult to weed out. If its to try to influence their recovery then that is interfering , if its due to any guilt within you then you should work to drop that. You didnt cause this. Although, I would also be tempted to let them know Im thinking of them and I hope they are getting what they need. I would also try hard to let them go and live as fully as I can regardless of whats going on with them. They are not children or innocent victims here. They are adults making choices for themselves regardless of anyone else.
What el-fee said in her reply was very well said, and in a nutshell.
take care of yourself PL.... And keep coming back here to understand more... Linsc