I've always been prone to tears: weddings, funerals, remembering sentimental events, you name it.
Most often, though, I cry when I am hurt by someone's words or actions. Are tears resulting from a real or imagined slight selfish & self-pitying? Am I just feeling sorry for myself ("Oh, poor me, poor me")
Opinions, ESH, thoughts are all welcome; I'm getting tangled up in this.
Thanks!
Denizen
Freetime said
Dec 13, 2016
Hi Denizen, and thank you for this interesting question. The thought that comes to my mind is that perhaps easy crying could be just a physical trait that some people are born with. Just a theory. Maybe it doesn't matter why the tears come, just that we recognize it is happening. Could you try an experiment, when you feel the tears coming on, to say a slogan like "What others think about me is none of my business?" Or whatever slogan resonates with you? And see if that changes anything. I would love to hear the results.
Neroli said
Dec 13, 2016
Funny you should ask about this. I have been feeling raw for a few days. I often find the tears coming down my face, but I am not actively trying to cry or crying in reaction to a particular thing. It is just happening, it's a release. "They" (whoever they are) say that crying is a healthy thing to do when you are upset. In my opinion it is healthier to be a person who cries rather than one who doesn't ever.
But it sounds like you really are questioning the validity of why you cry. Are you too selfish or self-pitying? For myself, I know that yes I am self-pitying sometimes, and I have good reasons to feel sorry for myself. But if I let it end there I will not give myself something that I need. So the question becomes where do I go from here? What do I want, that I can do for myself, that will help me to feel better? I don't have the answer but for now it is good to ask that question.
DavidG said
Dec 13, 2016
Imo... tears are good, healthy. Sometimes I weep tears of joy!
I used to call my Alanon laughter and tears, and a good measure of both.
When I was a kid I learned to hold back the tears. Quite consciously. And it hurt. Later I saw tears as a sign of a breakdown. My impression was that is a woman started crying too much she was having a breakdown and had to go away for a rest- or even get treatment.
In my culture men never cried.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 13, 2016
There is a difference in crying for manipulation purposes and actual crying for release. I have experienced both sides of that equation. I used to feel loss of control when I cried plus dealing with an over dramatic mother and my first addict x husband out honestly frustrated me. It is a healthy release and a bodies way of dealing with difficult emotions. Ironically my mother can no longer cry at whim. I don't cry often I'm more open to allowing that release I still prefer it to be a private thing. Hugs.
Iamhere said
Dec 13, 2016
I am not one who cries often or easily. Like all things, each of us is unique, and there is no right/wrong answer or response to life events. I have cried happy tears, mad tears and sad tears - just not very often. I am a very private person so I view tears as a natural response and I do better processing in private or with trusted friends.
I am more likely to cry in response to anger than sadness. For some reason, I am better at picking up and using my tools when I am sad. When I am mad, I have to impose a more controlled pause than with any other emotion.
(((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Dec 13, 2016
My empathy and compassion programs work really well and part of the process is tears. I'm male and use to believe that the men don't cry rule was ridged until my sponsor told me "you know those ducts in your lower eye lids are for crying and that is why HP put them there...clean them out, pass some tears thru them". Funny man was a great sponsor and I would do stuff to please him so I learned to cry. I cry most often because of empathy...I feel with and compassion I fell for. I am by no means weak and I have the cleanest tear ducts on the island. Feel the need to cry? Don't deny the feeling. Watching the National Geographic Channel with my wife...tune in on that and practice your crying and laughing. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Dec 13, 2016
Maybe not. Crying may be a really healthy thing to do. It's like allowing yourself to feel the feelings and to let them out. I think self pity is more about the self talk whereas crying may be more about being honest and brave enough to acknowledge some pain and to help let it go. It may be just another toolive to help us move towards peace and serenity.
2HP said
Dec 13, 2016
Perhaps you are a sensitive feeling-type as I am. For me, it helps to know this is part of my character type (Myers Briggs)
That said, I am also an adult child, my conditioning was "Don't talk, Don't trust, Don't feel." I can remember going over to my high school friends house and her mom greeting me, asking me how I was doing and I'd get all choked up, fighting tears. I never understood why I was so neurotic. And like you, I'd wail at funerals.... again, never understanding why.
Today I know I am powerless over the effects that living with alcoholism had on me. I know funerals and death triggered my abandonment issues. I lived in a family system that refused to tolerate emotions. Thanks to Al-anon, I have made enormous progress in understanding how I got this way, making peace with the past.... and today, I am not as sorrowful as I used to be. I may always have some grief because this disease is so destructive of Good. but I no longer cry at the drop of a hat like I used to.
I also believe that when Al-anon taught me it was "my job" to seek Higher Power, my sense of emotional security seemed to stabilize through the practice of prayer and deep meditation.
Al-anon also taught me that whenever I feel emotional today, to ask myself, what am I needing right now??? Staying present is very important because my feelings can also be deceptive, I journal a lot for this reason. My emotions follow my thoughts, so I pay attention to my thoughts so my feelings don't control me.... sometimes I need boundaries on my own thinking... if I'm obsessing, or focusing on the negative, or on sorrow, for example. It is good to let myself feel, but I gotta think too.
Thank you for the interesting question (((peace)))
Suburban Denizen said
Dec 14, 2016
Thank you for all of the responses; hearing so many voices helps me consider my own attitude in a different light.
This has been nagging at me for a while. My RAH has very enthusiastically re-incorporated AA into his life - he was sober for 30+ years, went out for a couple of years. Almost two years ago he stopped drinking again. He is something of a Big Book thumper, and has very definite beliefs about how a program should proceed. If I do something he sees as contrary to 12-step principles, he points it out in no uncertain terms. I get pretty sick of having my inventory taken, and sometimes I react to his criticisms in tears. He thinks it's a result of self-pity, I don't always agree - but I do see that it could be based in self-pity, but it can also be out of hurt, anger or other strong emotion.
While my program is sometimes a little wobbly, I don't believe I'm as hopeless as he seems to think. I have, though, learned what I once thought impossible - I've learned to control my tears. The hurt that ensues if I do cry is a powerful motivator. I cry later, when I'm alone, but then wonder I really am just feeling sorry for myself. I've been trying to evaluate my situation more dispassionately - I know I can be quite selfish (part of my 4th step), but sometimes I just can't pinpoint the line between healthy self-care and downright selfish. It is a good deal easier to rationalize away my shortcomings, and I want to look at myself honestly. I generally lean on my sponsor to help me sort out self-serving behavior; on this one I was really interested in hearing a range of opinions.
I'm fortunate you're all here -
Denizen
milkwood said
Dec 14, 2016
What a lovely topic, thank you for this.
I have, today, been moved to tears of gratitude in an Alanon meeting. It felt good. I have noticed that I often feel tears welling up when someone is kind to me. I view that latter as part of my disease because it didn't use to happen like that. Again, I suppose it is gratitude that is triggering me and I still need to learn that I am indeed deserving of the kindness of others!
I'm fairly sure that I would be moved to tears of frustration if someone was repeatedly taking my inventory. My AH has done this to me in the past and he commented on my crying and I have simply told him that 'I am feeling my emotions at the moment and to me that is a very good thing, please don't criticize it.' These days we have graduated to a point where if I need a hug, I am able to ask for it. No fixing! We are doing better than we were - yay!
I remember when I first cried wracking tears after a gap of six years during which I was simply not able to cry - howling tears they were and I welcomed them, here were my feelings returning - welcome home my warm-wet-watery friends - if tears are arriving, I thought, then surely some joy would follow soon. It has.
I try really, really hard not to feel sorry for myself and, frankly, I'm not sure why I feel that need. I can have sympathy for others so why not for myself? Sometimes I am aware that some tears are a manifestation of self-pity and, to be honest, I probably do have some things that are worth crying over - not for ever though!! For a while I remember being scared that if I turned on the taps they might never ever stop - but they did stop and the exhaustion that followed felt good. No more 'keeping a grip on things!!!' I felt better for having let go and I found it easier to see what I was missing in my life in the gap that followed.
(((((hugs)))))
2HP said
Dec 14, 2016
In reading your second post, I'm reminded of all the tears... for years and years.... that came up as ANGER because I felt so CONTROLLED. I eventually saw I was ALLOWING myself to be controlled. When I realized I didn't have to do that anymore, I felt less helpless and hopeless. Fear for myself diminished because I was in control of my well-being now, no longer making others my Higher Power, seeking outside of myself had to fail on the spiritual path.
Taking care of me... and using Higher Power ever available to me ... is not selfish or self-seeking. NOT using it had turned into idol-worship for me... using others to run my life... others who were only too happy to do it, egos insisting on being my Higher Power.
I had made my husband my Higher Power during my marriage. Every word, every look, every action, every gesture from him was EVERYTHING to me. I was always using him to calculate whether or not I was okay, always needing approval and validation from him.
I can assure you that quoting the Big Book is meaningless. Watch yourself to see if you are giving him power because he appears to be so smart. LIVING the Big Book is another thing entirely because the spiritual life is not a theory, we are meant to live it. To me, "living it" means becoming more quiet because we are primarily keeping company with the Silent One. I keep company with recovery members who are quiet and still, knowing that they are walking the talk, talk, talk... their ACTIONS carrying the message.... no more restless mind... freedom.
You could look at your husband "quoting" as him needing to hear what he is saying... it's for HIM, not you. I know I "parroted" too, it was part of my learning... had to get into my head before landing in my heart. I would invite you to stay on your side of the recovery street and hold a boundary for him to stay on his too, not a good idea to sponsor your spouse.
My dependence on others for personal recovery (recovering my lost relationship to God) lessened when I began my own personal step study. Really and truly, God has already given us all there is, but I had to realize it (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 11:22:41 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 11:38:19 AM
likemyheart said
Dec 14, 2016
Crying is something I wish I could do like the movies - heroine cries single soulful sexy tears - not me, I cry, my face swells, eyes get read, mouth uncontrollably drawn down, not a pretty sight! I wish I could control my emotions better than I do; I do well in some arenas, areas where I've had more practice being detached enough to see them as they are. its when I am not detached that my emotions get the better of me. And, sometimes I ponder detachment in that, do I want to detach myself so much from life that I don't care about things anymore? I have a sister that is able to view the world through very cynical glasses, very detached and cold-hearted - hmmm, yes, sometimes I think a little bit of cold-heartedness would serve me better but, and this is a big thing for me - I fear becoming so detached from life that I stop caring about people and that's not a place I want to spend the rest of my life in.
On one hand I don't want to be someone who is vulnerable because I don't like being hurt, but on the other hand, I don't want to be someone who just doesn't care about people or what they do - that seems to me a bigger, sadder thing.
Iamhere said
Dec 14, 2016
(((Denizen))) - I can share that the Big Book is truly full of wisdom...having said that, Big Book thumpers can be a bit annoying. My best suggestion to you and I've done this - set a boundary around 'recovery being a personal journey and one you prefer to discuss with your sponsor vs. him'....
When others around me try to take my inventory, I still have choices. I can listen for facts to enhance my growth, I can ignore them completely and walk away, or I can pray for them as I've been told/taught to do. Keep leaning into your program and you will find the right answers for you. The only person allowed to give me feedback freely on my program is my sponsor. I've made this perfectly clear to my qualifiers.
You got this and keep working it - it looks so good on you!
I've always been prone to tears: weddings, funerals, remembering sentimental events, you name it.
Most often, though, I cry when I am hurt by someone's words or actions. Are tears resulting from a real or imagined slight selfish & self-pitying? Am I just feeling sorry for myself ("Oh, poor me, poor me")
Opinions, ESH, thoughts are all welcome; I'm getting tangled up in this.
Thanks!
Denizen
Funny you should ask about this. I have been feeling raw for a few days. I often find the tears coming down my face, but I am not actively trying to cry or crying in reaction to a particular thing. It is just happening, it's a release. "They" (whoever they are) say that crying is a healthy thing to do when you are upset. In my opinion it is healthier to be a person who cries rather than one who doesn't ever.
But it sounds like you really are questioning the validity of why you cry. Are you too selfish or self-pitying? For myself, I know that yes I am self-pitying sometimes, and I have good reasons to feel sorry for myself. But if I let it end there I will not give myself something that I need. So the question becomes where do I go from here? What do I want, that I can do for myself, that will help me to feel better? I don't have the answer but for now it is good to ask that question.
Imo... tears are good, healthy. Sometimes I weep tears of joy!
I used to call my Alanon laughter and tears, and a good measure of both.
When I was a kid I learned to hold back the tears. Quite consciously. And it hurt. Later I saw tears as a sign of a breakdown. My impression was that is a woman started crying too much she was having a breakdown and had to go away for a rest- or even get treatment.
In my culture men never cried.
I am more likely to cry in response to anger than sadness. For some reason, I am better at picking up and using my tools when I am sad. When I am mad, I have to impose a more controlled pause than with any other emotion.
(((Hugs)))
My empathy and compassion programs work really well and part of the process is tears. I'm male and use to believe that the men don't cry rule was ridged until my sponsor told me "you know those ducts in your lower eye lids are for crying and that is why HP put them there...clean them out, pass some tears thru them". Funny man was a great sponsor and I would do stuff to please him so I learned to cry. I cry most often because of empathy...I feel with and compassion I fell for. I am by no means weak and I have the cleanest tear ducts on the island. Feel the need to cry? Don't deny the feeling. Watching the National Geographic Channel with my wife...tune in on that and practice your crying and laughing. ((((hugs))))
That said, I am also an adult child, my conditioning was "Don't talk, Don't trust, Don't feel." I can remember going over to my high school friends house and her mom greeting me, asking me how I was doing and I'd get all choked up, fighting tears. I never understood why I was so neurotic. And like you, I'd wail at funerals.... again, never understanding why.
Today I know I am powerless over the effects that living with alcoholism had on me. I know funerals and death triggered my abandonment issues. I lived in a family system that refused to tolerate emotions. Thanks to Al-anon, I have made enormous progress in understanding how I got this way, making peace with the past.... and today, I am not as sorrowful as I used to be. I may always have some grief because this disease is so destructive of Good. but I no longer cry at the drop of a hat like I used to.
I also believe that when Al-anon taught me it was "my job" to seek Higher Power, my sense of emotional security seemed to stabilize through the practice of prayer and deep meditation.
Al-anon also taught me that whenever I feel emotional today, to ask myself, what am I needing right now??? Staying present is very important because my feelings can also be deceptive, I journal a lot for this reason. My emotions follow my thoughts, so I pay attention to my thoughts so my feelings don't control me.... sometimes I need boundaries on my own thinking... if I'm obsessing, or focusing on the negative, or on sorrow, for example. It is good to let myself feel, but I gotta think too.
Thank you for the interesting question (((peace)))
This has been nagging at me for a while. My RAH has very enthusiastically re-incorporated AA into his life - he was sober for 30+ years, went out for a couple of years. Almost two years ago he stopped drinking again. He is something of a Big Book thumper, and has very definite beliefs about how a program should proceed. If I do something he sees as contrary to 12-step principles, he points it out in no uncertain terms. I get pretty sick of having my inventory taken, and sometimes I react to his criticisms in tears. He thinks it's a result of self-pity, I don't always agree - but I do see that it could be based in self-pity, but it can also be out of hurt, anger or other strong emotion.
While my program is sometimes a little wobbly, I don't believe I'm as hopeless as he seems to think. I have, though, learned what I once thought impossible - I've learned to control my tears. The hurt that ensues if I do cry is a powerful motivator. I cry later, when I'm alone, but then wonder I really am just feeling sorry for myself. I've been trying to evaluate my situation more dispassionately - I know I can be quite selfish (part of my 4th step), but sometimes I just can't pinpoint the line between healthy self-care and downright selfish. It is a good deal easier to rationalize away my shortcomings, and I want to look at myself honestly. I generally lean on my sponsor to help me sort out self-serving behavior; on this one I was really interested in hearing a range of opinions.
I'm fortunate you're all here -
Denizen
I have, today, been moved to tears of gratitude in an Alanon meeting. It felt good. I have noticed that I often feel tears welling up when someone is kind to me. I view that latter as part of my disease because it didn't use to happen like that. Again, I suppose it is gratitude that is triggering me and I still need to learn that I am indeed deserving of the kindness of others!
I'm fairly sure that I would be moved to tears of frustration if someone was repeatedly taking my inventory. My AH has done this to me in the past and he commented on my crying and I have simply told him that 'I am feeling my emotions at the moment and to me that is a very good thing, please don't criticize it.' These days we have graduated to a point where if I need a hug, I am able to ask for it. No fixing! We are doing better than we were - yay!
I remember when I first cried wracking tears after a gap of six years during which I was simply not able to cry - howling tears they were and I welcomed them, here were my feelings returning - welcome home my warm-wet-watery friends - if tears are arriving, I thought, then surely some joy would follow soon. It has.
I try really, really hard not to feel sorry for myself and, frankly, I'm not sure why I feel that need. I can have sympathy for others so why not for myself? Sometimes I am aware that some tears are a manifestation of self-pity and, to be honest, I probably do have some things that are worth crying over - not for ever though!!
(((((hugs)))))
In reading your second post, I'm reminded of all the tears... for years and years.... that came up as ANGER because I felt so CONTROLLED. I eventually saw I was ALLOWING myself to be controlled. When I realized I didn't have to do that anymore, I felt less helpless and hopeless. Fear for myself diminished because I was in control of my well-being now, no longer making others my Higher Power, seeking outside of myself had to fail on the spiritual path.
Taking care of me... and using Higher Power ever available to me ... is not selfish or self-seeking. NOT using it had turned into idol-worship for me... using others to run my life... others who were only too happy to do it, egos insisting on being my Higher Power.
I had made my husband my Higher Power during my marriage. Every word, every look, every action, every gesture from him was EVERYTHING to me. I was always using him to calculate whether or not I was okay, always needing approval and validation from him.
I can assure you that quoting the Big Book is meaningless. Watch yourself to see if you are giving him power because he appears to be so smart. LIVING the Big Book is another thing entirely because the spiritual life is not a theory, we are meant to live it. To me, "living it" means becoming more quiet because we are primarily keeping company with the Silent One. I keep company with recovery members who are quiet and still, knowing that they are walking the talk, talk, talk... their ACTIONS carrying the message.... no more restless mind... freedom.
You could look at your husband "quoting" as him needing to hear what he is saying... it's for HIM, not you. I know I "parroted" too, it was part of my learning... had to get into my head before landing in my heart. I would invite you to stay on your side of the recovery street and hold a boundary for him to stay on his too, not a good idea to sponsor your spouse.
My dependence on others for personal recovery (recovering my lost relationship to God) lessened when I began my own personal step study. Really and truly, God has already given us all there is, but I had to realize it (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 11:22:41 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 11:38:19 AM
On one hand I don't want to be someone who is vulnerable because I don't like being hurt, but on the other hand, I don't want to be someone who just doesn't care about people or what they do - that seems to me a bigger, sadder thing.
When others around me try to take my inventory, I still have choices. I can listen for facts to enhance my growth, I can ignore them completely and walk away, or I can pray for them as I've been told/taught to do. Keep leaning into your program and you will find the right answers for you. The only person allowed to give me feedback freely on my program is my sponsor. I've made this perfectly clear to my qualifiers.
You got this and keep working it - it looks so good on you!