I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 14 years. Since I was 22 and she was 25. We've been engaged for about 5 years and have a 5 1/2 year old daughter together as well. As well as being an alcoholic a few years ago she developed some other addictions. Opiates, adderall... whatever. After a long struggle she finally went away to rehab about 18 months ago, starting her road to recovery. It's been a rocky one as they tend to be. She ended up going to rehab a total of 3 times and the last time stayed 4 months.. Between the 2nd and 3rd stint she convinced me to move to Maine from Boston so we could be a family and be together again. This didn't work out as I hoped, she was relapsing every month or so and things were very bad. I was paranoid and nervous a lot of the time and I finally decided I couldn't let her manipulate me anymore and we couldn't keep this up in front of our daughter. She witnessed some bad scenes, her Mom in horrible states and us fighting about things. Leading up to her latest stint I had to be very cold to her to make her go. I basically had to kick her out of the house because of her actions including endangering our daughter. Even though I knew I still loved her I had to stifle those feelings and make her go and do the right thing for herself, on her own. I didn't talk to her for a few months while she was away. I was angry and hurt... I didn't plan on being a single Dad. One day after we finally started talking a little she told me that when she got home she didn't expect anything from me and that she thought that we should move on from each other... Even though I tried to prepare myself for this when she said it all my emotions bubbled up. I'm a very devoted person and I realized after all these years I didn't want to give up. We love each other and have am amazing daughter. I want to have this life in Maine that is so attainable if we just work at it a little bit... When I told her this she was take aback and confused but she agreed to give it another shot. This was before she was out of rehab so I brought our daughter to see her a few times and we had nice family days, something I crave so badly. When we are all together and things are good it's just perfect. She's now been back about a month, living in a sober house close by. She comes over almost everyday and we get our kiddo ready for school together and pick her up together and things are alright... But she says she is changing. That she's a different person now and she doesn't know what she wants, if she wants a relationship with me anymore. I'm alone up here in Maine with my daughter and pretty much no friends. She is now part of a big AA community and is hanging out with all these younger people, going to meetings with them and hanging out with guys in the community too. She says it's just as friends but I obviously have trust issues after all she's put me through. I can't even understand how she could give up on us but I really think she wants to and I am trying to be cool and not jealous and paranoid but it's hard as hell. So often I am left alone while she's out doing stuff with people I don't know and she doesn't want me to know. I feel like my love for her is pushing her away and all I want is my family to stay together. She when we kiss it isn't the same anymore and that she doesn't know how she feels about me and it f*** kills. I've done all I can for her and she's so cold, or maybe just honest. She says she might just want to do her own thing... where does that leave me? We need her in our family. We've been a couple my whole adult life... We also need her financial help. Without it I may have to take our little girl and head back to Boston... She doesn't seem to realize this and thinks its my fault and that I make her guilty but it's reality and that's not my fault... She wont give me a solid answer so I guess I just need to let things play out but I'v never felt this way. I lost 20 pounds and went on and then off antidepressants because they made me worse. I'm in counseling alone and with our daughter. My partner or whatever she is needs to realize we are worth fighting for and never giving up on! How do I make her realize this. The selfishness is staggering. It's like recovery is even more selfish that addiction is and I've taken the brunt of abuse but I want my family back!!! Help me
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 12th of December 2016 05:35:13 PM
hotrod said
Dec 12, 2016
Welcome Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. i can readily identify with what you are experiencing.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members and face to face meetings are held in most communities. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in community and attend. Here you will break the isolation caused by living so close to the disease and develop new constructive tools to live by.
You are not alone and there is hope
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2016
besaco99 - welcome to MIP....glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for the pain this disease has brought and continues to bring. My best suggestion is check out Al-Anon. It's a place for family and friends of an alcoholic to understand how the disease reaches out and affects us too.
In my situation, it certainly helped me focus on me and my needs. It helped me to live my life for me and to stop waiting for them to decide, recover, etc. It helped me understand that I matter and so does my sanity, my future and my livelihood.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
Maresie25 said
Dec 12, 2016
I lived with an alcoholic in recovery for a few years. While the relationship didn't have the chaos and the unremitting problems living with an alcoholic had it was incredibly difficult
I can well understand the issue of commitment. There is another issue of commitment to yourself. What about your needs, what about your child's needs
I can certainly assure you from being in that relationship that all that fellowship was not as scintillating as it looks
There are certainly some expectations we have from any relationship.
When we are in al.anon considering leaving a relationship comes with some tools involved. Some is to look at all your needs of you do leave. Another is to put aside the notion of leaving for the time being while you work on those needs
Those tools are so effective in taking the spotlight of the alcoholic. There is certainly a lot of stress around the holidays anyway. I feel like the whole issue of the holidays is a huge undertaking for any of us. I never did get that much help in therapy around them.
Of course some of the issues with dealing with an alcoholic is the urgency. All that urgency gets projected off into us. For me when I am dealing with that urgency it's a sure sign there is an alcoholic around.
Maintaining boundaries around an alcoholic is tricky stuff. You are not gonna get a PhD overnight but you can get better. For me the clear objective is always what are my needs. How am I taking care of them. Am I taking care of the . Can I.even name them. Being around an alcoholic is a sure fire recipe to have them brushed to one side
I have to keep picking up my needs over and over
Maresie25
AnnG said
Dec 12, 2016
I'm new here and am in desparate need of some reassurence, hopefulness, just something. This post and most of the other ones I read hit so close to home it's scary. I feel your pain detail by detail. I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband for 10 years and have a 6 year old daughter who has witnessed and been through way more than she ever shoukd have. I feel like it's my fault but she worships her daddy more than anyone in the world so who am I to take that from her?? We also moved from miles away and i have no family near by for support. I no longer know how it feels to be happy or how to go about getting there anymore. I've dealt with so many broken promises. I constantky feel raging mad or disappointed or miserable and I'm tired of feeling like this. I constantly feel trapped. My moods then turn into his excuses to drink. When things are good and he's sober, life seems manageable as a family. But I'm just so tired of the ups and downs And feel like this isn't how my life was supposed to be. I'm giving up on our marriage which only creates more distance. I just keep praying and taking it day by day!
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:01:00 PM
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:01:58 PM
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:04:38 PM
hotrod said
Dec 12, 2016
Welcome AnnG as I have said, Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. i can readily identify with what you are experiencing.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members and face to face meetings are held in most communities. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Here you will break the isolation caused by living so close to the disease and develop new constructive tools to live by.
You are not alone and there is hope
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2016
I too send welcomes to you AnnG! Glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Kim C said
Dec 13, 2016
besaco - I want to strongly recommend that you get into your partner's AA Big Book and read the chapter entitled The Family After. Recovery, especially in the beginning is a very selfish program. It dominates their entire lives for a time in order to work. I, too, am living with an alcoholic in recovery and found myself wondering just what he was up to all of the time. I completely relate to your feelings of unease! We hope and pray for sobriety and it comes with a whole new set of things to deal with. Remind yourself daily that you are powerless over addictions and over the actions of your partner and seek out others in the same place. Keep coming back!
DavidG said
Dec 13, 2016
Ben...
...this sounds like my relationship was, even though the substance of choice was different. And I was to blame for the addiction too- it was all my fault! ...
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 14 years. Since I was 22 and she was 25. We've been engaged for about 5 years and have a 5 1/2 year old daughter together as well. As well as being an alcoholic a few years ago she developed some other addictions. Opiates, adderall... whatever. After a long struggle she finally went away to rehab about 18 months ago, starting her road to recovery. It's been a rocky one as they tend to be. She ended up going to rehab a total of 3 times and the last time stayed 4 months.. Between the 2nd and 3rd stint she convinced me to move to Maine from Boston so we could be a family and be together again. This didn't work out as I hoped, she was relapsing every month or so and things were very bad. I was paranoid and nervous a lot of the time and I finally decided I couldn't let her manipulate me anymore and we couldn't keep this up in front of our daughter. She witnessed some bad scenes, her Mom in horrible states and us fighting about things. Leading up to her latest stint I had to be very cold to her to make her go. I basically had to kick her out of the house because of her actions including endangering our daughter. Even though I knew I still loved her I had to stifle those feelings and make her go and do the right thing for herself, on her own. I didn't talk to her for a few months while she was away. I was angry and hurt... I didn't plan on being a single Dad. One day after we finally started talking a little she told me that when she got home she didn't expect anything from me and that she thought that we should move on from each other... Even though I tried to prepare myself for this when she said it all my emotions bubbled up. I'm a very devoted person and I realized after all these years I didn't want to give up. We love each other and have am amazing daughter. I want to have this life in Maine that is so attainable if we just work at it a little bit... When I told her this she was take aback and confused but she agreed to give it another shot. This was before she was out of rehab so I brought our daughter to see her a few times and we had nice family days, something I crave so badly. When we are all together and things are good it's just perfect. She's now been back about a month, living in a sober house close by. She comes over almost everyday and we get our kiddo ready for school together and pick her up together and things are alright... But she says she is changing. That she's a different person now and she doesn't know what she wants, if she wants a relationship with me anymore. I'm alone up here in Maine with my daughter and pretty much no friends. She is now part of a big AA community and is hanging out with all these younger people, going to meetings with them and hanging out with guys in the community too. She says it's just as friends but I obviously have trust issues after all she's put me through. I can't even understand how she could give up on us but I really think she wants to and I am trying to be cool and not jealous and paranoid but it's hard as hell. So often I am left alone while she's out doing stuff with people I don't know and she doesn't want me to know. I feel like my love for her is pushing her away and all I want is my family to stay together. She when we kiss it isn't the same anymore and that she doesn't know how she feels about me and it f*** kills. I've done all I can for her and she's so cold, or maybe just honest. She says she might just want to do her own thing... where does that leave me? We need her in our family. We've been a couple my whole adult life... We also need her financial help. Without it I may have to take our little girl and head back to Boston... She doesn't seem to realize this and thinks its my fault and that I make her guilty but it's reality and that's not my fault... She wont give me a solid answer so I guess I just need to let things play out but I'v never felt this way. I lost 20 pounds and went on and then off antidepressants because they made me worse. I'm in counseling alone and with our daughter. My partner or whatever she is needs to realize we are worth fighting for and never giving up on! How do I make her realize this. The selfishness is staggering. It's like recovery is even more selfish that addiction is and I've taken the brunt of abuse but I want my family back!!! Help me
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 12th of December 2016 05:35:13 PM
Welcome Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. i can readily identify with what you are experiencing.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members and face to face meetings are held in most communities. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in community and attend. Here you will break the isolation caused by living so close to the disease and develop new constructive tools to live by.
You are not alone and there is hope
In my situation, it certainly helped me focus on me and my needs. It helped me to live my life for me and to stop waiting for them to decide, recover, etc. It helped me understand that I matter and so does my sanity, my future and my livelihood.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
I'm new here and am in desparate need of some reassurence, hopefulness, just something. This post and most of the other ones I read hit so close to home it's scary. I feel your pain detail by detail. I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband for 10 years and have a 6 year old daughter who has witnessed and been through way more than she ever shoukd have. I feel like it's my fault but she worships her daddy more than anyone in the world so who am I to take that from her?? We also moved from miles away and i have no family near by for support. I no longer know how it feels to be happy or how to go about getting there anymore. I've dealt with so many broken promises. I constantky feel raging mad or disappointed or miserable and I'm tired of feeling like this. I constantly feel trapped. My moods then turn into his excuses to drink. When things are good and he's sober, life seems manageable as a family. But I'm just so tired of the ups and downs And feel like this isn't how my life was supposed to be. I'm giving up on our marriage which only creates more distance. I just keep praying and taking it day by day!
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:01:00 PM
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:01:58 PM
-- Edited by AnnG on Monday 12th of December 2016 09:04:38 PM
Welcome AnnG as I have said, Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. i can readily identify with what you are experiencing.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members and face to face meetings are held in most communities. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Here you will break the isolation caused by living so close to the disease and develop new constructive tools to live by.
You are not alone and there is hope
besaco - I want to strongly recommend that you get into your partner's AA Big Book and read the chapter entitled The Family After. Recovery, especially in the beginning is a very selfish program. It dominates their entire lives for a time in order to work. I, too, am living with an alcoholic in recovery and found myself wondering just what he was up to all of the time. I completely relate to your feelings of unease! We hope and pray for sobriety and it comes with a whole new set of things to deal with. Remind yourself daily that you are powerless over addictions and over the actions of your partner and seek out others in the same place. Keep coming back!
Ben...
...this sounds like my relationship was, even though the substance of choice was different. And I was to blame for the addiction too- it was all my fault!
...