My 29 year old son is addicted to opioid pills and on suboxone. So he is not using pills but has substituted with being an alcoholic now. However drinking alcohol while on suboxone is LIFE THREATENING! He's also on psych meds that cannot be mixed with alcohol, also life threatening. He is very good at finding ways to get alcohol secretly and drink it secretly, just keeping on this line where you can tell things are not right but have no outright proof that he is drinking. But once every couple of months he slips up enough that we find out for sure he's been drinking a lot. He seems to be making half-hearted attempts at sobriety, and has made progress from where he was at in August when we took him in, but he is not looking truly committed to being sober to me or his therapists. He becomes mildly rude occasionally but is mostly very easy to get along with in interactions so I don't deal with the kind of chaos that many here have complained about, guess I'm fortunate in that. We tend to be a polite, controlled family, but huge dysfunction is lurking under the surface. He had (has?) a really good job that has given him a 6 month leave of absence with disability pay and health insurance (paying for his therapies, which our family could not afford, but they won't pay for inpatient). He is squandering the opportunity to use this to get better and it has been another enabler. It is clear to me that I'm in a situation where I'm watching my precious, beloved son kill himself very gradually in front of my eyes. And he doesn't seem to care, but I care.
I try not to be powerless over drugs/alcohol by trying to save his life, but I am indeed powerless. I go to 2 wonderful face-to-face alanon meetings a week since last May, and I am intellectually on board with the program. I just can't seem to know how to actually do it in the moment. I've begun to work the steps. I have a sponsor who I love and who challenges me. I read the literature, pray and meditate. But I can't seem to stop being sucked in to enabling, controlling, "helping", blaming, excusing and utter despair in all the worst ways. As a mother I can't just stand by watching him destroying himself without trying to stop the destruction. But of course nothing I do actually works. On the advice of therapists we have made contracts stating that to live in our house he can't use/drink and specifying other rules. He has broken or disregarded those rules. I've come to the place where I have said I'm ready to kick him out, but my husband will not do that. I really do feel that taking that stand to kick him out could be the best, right action to take at this point, but it will not happen if my husband will not support it. I think that my husband is delusional, and he truly is though he means well, we argue about this, but I think that it's possible that I'm subconsciously relieved that my husband won't kick him out. My husband has gone to a few alanon meetings (3) but is not enthusiastic about it so far.
All of the therapists/doctors have said things to encourage keeping us involved in my son's recovery. The ones who are substance abuse councilors say they are on board with AA, NA and Alanon, but I don't understand how to keep being as involved as they want me to be while also stopping the controlling behavior, practicing detachment and maintaining any serenity or even sanity for myself. People in Alanon also give me advice that I find contradictory. Sometimes I am encouraged to just take care of me, but then when I do what I think that is, people start to tell me I'm not doing something they think I should be doing. I can't clearly explain this to you because I don't understand it myself. I don't blame any of these people for giving me bad advice, I just don't think I have 2 brain cells left to rub together to think rationally with right now to figure out what they are seeing that I'm doing wrong or not doing right.
The non-alanon-program psychiatrist has told me, very upset, that I MUST tell him if my son is drinking, because he doesn't want to give him prescriptions while he's drinking. Well I think he is drinking but I DON'T KNOW he is, he hides it very well. So what am I supposed to do? If I don't tell doctor he's drinking when he is, then I am a participant in physically endangering him (according to doctor). If I say he is or might be drinking, and he actually is not, then doctor will refuse to prescribe him meds that he needs to try to stay sober. Because my son has fooled me so well in the past the only way for me to tell if he's drinking is to watch him like a hawk for perhaps some very subtle signs. Or constantly subject him to testing, which seemed like a good idea to us for a few days, and would allow us to not constantly have to monitor him every second, and my husband has started doing it out of desperation. Now I think that we are doing too much engaging with the alcoholism to be healthy in this situation, and this is not workable, but for right now this is what it is.
I think maybe this thing with the psychiatrist is what finally broke me. I am like the androids in an old Star Trek episode when Captain Kirk tells them "Everything I say is a lie." They get caught in a loop where they just keep repeating "If everything you say is a lie then you must be lying when you say that everything you say is a lie, so then you are telling the truth, but you can't be telling the truth because everything you say is a lie......." I'm like that, stuck in circular thinking. I know how to stop circular thinking in itself, but in this case I still need to figure out what to do about this doctor and I can't figure it out so I am stuck.
So a couple of days ago I totally lost it. I was reading something about "acceptance" and I just felt "f*%# that". I started to throw things, broke a jar of mayo on the kitchen floor, but mostly banging things to make as much noise as possible. Husband was away on business and son in his room in the middle of the day "sleeping"(?). I did this for a half hour then I left and spent some time with my sponsor who is patiently trying to help me. As I said earlier we are polite, controlled people and an outburst like this is not in my normal character. Son and husband are in shock or something about it. Son doesn't want to speak to me, which is fine. I am just so angry. I am afraid if I have a conversation with him I may say things I'll regret later. I have been sleeping and lounging a lot, every now and then go out to the car and sit in there screaming as loud as I can. Sometimes I watch TV and find tears streaming down my cheeks and realize "oh I must be crying". So I feel like a broken person but that is it, I can't be any other way right now. And I really want to be angry for a while. It sort of feels good to be angry. Reading this back I know I sound like a crazy person, but have not been able to sleep well and think straight since this all came out into the open with my son last March.
Maresie25 said
Dec 12, 2016
I.dont think you sound crazy at all. Alcoholic a have that way of making it all about them don't they?
Of course everyone is also going to have a reaction to a very very trying situation.
Taking care of yourself in the midst of all this is extremely limiting
I think acceptance is a very hard one to wrap around. Yet when I am in acceptance zi certainly have wiggle room to make things better. It's when I am not in acceptance I am in deep trouble.
No one walks right in and gets this program right away. Most of us stumble a lot. When I am exasperated, angry and at the end of my rope there is not much compassion.for me. When I can make that room for a little compassion and self live everything gets better
In.fact I think that is the essence of al anon making room.for you too. One of the ways to look at this extraordinary situation is you are always doing your best.
You are always trying your hardest. But there has to be room in there for you too.
Everyone in your situation would be frustrated, angry and very emotional. If you were caring for someone in that place you would be urging them to put themselves in the picture too. Take time out to care for you. Take time out to do things you like too. Take time to rest, eat right, give yourself some space
Having boundaries around an alcoholic is hard going. Really an endurance test. The disease of alcoholism is sneaky. You can nevertheless take care of yourself some. Get better at it, rest more detach more
I have friends who are alcoholic, some of them are probably going to die in the very near future. I have to back up and know I am not the one who is going to save them. I have to save myself too.
Maresie25
hotrod said
Dec 12, 2016
((Neroli ))) You are not alone I have been there and so understand your anger and sadness. Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Coping with the disease manifesting in an adult child is extremely difficult and it is understandable that you are reacting in such a fashion. I am glad you found alanon and have a sponsor. Please do keep using your tools and know it is progress not perfection that we seek. It is extremely important to take good care of yourself, as Maresie has suggested and please do keep coming back here.
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2016
(((Neroli))) - I too understand the anger and the sadness. I also struggled with my husband being the enabler long after I resigned. It was very hard and many times I felt as if my head and heart were not aligned. I prayed for that often/always and one day, it just popped into my brain that I will kill myself if I keep working harder for his future than him. All the counselors, the meetings, the therapy, the medications (mine also did subs for a while) - I was working hard to schedule his 'things' and he too slept all day long.
I am a double winner and have been in/around recovery a long while. I knew from experience and others that the MH medications will NOT work as intended with ALCOHOL. So - I was straight with the Psych. doctors even when he was not. I finally put my son out and he's had to find his way. He has done a decent job and while he's still not sober, he know we will no longer fund his life.
The program restored me to sanity where I was able to convince my husband this was the best next thing. I got my courage and strength restored from working the steps and truly came to believe that my son has his own HP. I had to let him go and hope for the best. He's been to jail, prison, 5+ treatment centers and he's only 22....but - he's in a way better place today and has been reasonably stable since he got out of prison. We allowed him to return here and he broke the rules. I gave him 30 days notice and he moved out on day 30.
Lean into your program. Keep doing what you're doing. It's not all bad to allow your anger to come out - you'll find better ways! Keep coming back - (((hugs)))....I do understand and am in a better place! There is help and hope in recovery!
Neroli said
Dec 12, 2016
Thank you so much for your replies. It does help to know that others understand how I feel. While it's true that I should take care of myself, I'm not finding that so easy. I have been eating healthy and exercising, so that's good but just like maintenance work. Very little brings me pleasure, if I go out with a friend I find I don't enjoy myself, things that used to be fun just feel blah. The only things I seem to do for me and kind of like/enjoy are meditating and, strangely, going to alanon meetings where I can listen to other peoples stories and feel understood myself. So maybe those should be my lifelines for now. I've been reading a lot on this board and that is helpful. Heavy stuff but it's helping me get some perspective.
I do feel like head and heart are not aligned as you said Iamhere. And husband and I are not aligned in our thinking. I try to remind myself that my son has his own HP, but I usually forget that. Maybe I should make that a mantra for meditation for a while so I can remember.
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2016
(((Neroli))) - huge hugs! You're doing great - do what gives you comfort and as you align with the program, just try baby steps with different things! I recall fear of taking a walk.....that probably sounds insane (kind of was) but my qualifiers (sons) would rummage through my things looking for money, other to pawn, etc. anytime I left the house. So I put a lock on my door and learned to not tell anyone what was up - just grabbed the dog, leash, shoes and out the door.
It was not fun the first few times. It was nerve-wracking and stress-inducing. Yet, when I came home and all was well - I felt better. Same with outings, meetings, etc. I even started golf last year which I swore I would never do (never say never).
I had to laugh as my oldest son - 24 is going through a split up with his fiance. They have 2 small children 3 and 1. Last Wednesday, he called to say they were splitting up and he needed to move some where. I did not offer. Finally he suggested he live here and I held my boundary and said No. He has found a place to stay short term until he figures something else out. He called tonight to give an update and my husband after the call said that he wanted to help however he could so long as he didn't enable him....
I about fell out of my chair as he's never been to a meeting - his words were spot on (he's a bright guy) but it just caught me so off guard that he's picked up on how much peaceful things are with boundaries and detachment. Trust the program and you'll be amazed at how the program works and how there is always growth, help and hope!
Keep coming back...
Maresie25 said
Dec 13, 2016
I.dealt with a psychiatrist in the past. I can't say it was very easy. I think it's very difficult around an alcoholic. They have to get to that point of surrender. Some of them never do. One of my neighbors just died from his alcoholis . He wouldn't stop.drinking. he didn't take care of himself. He had a lot of good qualities.
He had a lot of good things going for him
He even got a nice car recently. He couldn't stop.
I think it's almost a super human job to get those boundaries up. To out the focus back on yourself.
What I can promise you is that if you do make it through this situation , if you can put in those boundaries, if you can put in self care in a crisis there are a lot of gifts.
On the other side of this orogram, through the crisis, through the really horrible work of learning boundaries is the joy. There is a real great solid joy in being able to take care of yourself no matter what. A real solid self love that is so resilient that comes from being able to deal with this kind of murky nasty life situations
I certainly didn't enjoy the journey it has been exceedingly unpleasant. Yet I would not be in this solid loving place if I hadn't gone through that.
I know it is really hard to know there are better things out there but it is possible to have a better life. Many people here do. Many people come to a better place as a result of being willing to trust this program
Maresie25
Jerry F said
Dec 13, 2016
(((((Neroli))))) Aloha and thanks for your share...I read it and have come to the opinion that it should be in the monthly Al-Anon Magazine "The Forum" because that is where our stories reach the fellowship widely also. The alcohol industry isn't cutting back with production and doesn't support recovery for the alcoholic and the alcoholic's families. This is just my suggestion and I have PMed you their address. Your choice. I am in deep empathy and compassion for you, your husband and your qualifier son. I was born and raised to this disease, am also a double winner, have been a therapist for a large rehab, worked with younger alcoholic/addicts and the elders also. I will do whatever is legally possible to stunt the growth of this disease at all times. I have considered illegal methods also ....(lol)
Freetime said
Dec 13, 2016
Neroli, thank you for sharing your story. I just want to respond that I don't think you are insane, just dealing with an insane situation. I have felt the same anger, feeling like throwing things and screaming. One thing I learned was that not everyone giving me advice was equally knowledgeable. Some doctors and therapists and even Alanon people really understood my situation and some didn't. As I learned more, I got a better sense of who to listen to. As a dedicated Alanon, even I sometimes forget not to give advice. I guess that's why we say take what you like and leave the rest.
Anyway, you are not alone. There is hope and help, sometimes found where we least expect it.
My 29 year old son is addicted to opioid pills and on suboxone. So he is not using pills but has substituted with being an alcoholic now. However drinking alcohol while on suboxone is LIFE THREATENING! He's also on psych meds that cannot be mixed with alcohol, also life threatening. He is very good at finding ways to get alcohol secretly and drink it secretly, just keeping on this line where you can tell things are not right but have no outright proof that he is drinking. But once every couple of months he slips up enough that we find out for sure he's been drinking a lot. He seems to be making half-hearted attempts at sobriety, and has made progress from where he was at in August when we took him in, but he is not looking truly committed to being sober to me or his therapists. He becomes mildly rude occasionally but is mostly very easy to get along with in interactions so I don't deal with the kind of chaos that many here have complained about, guess I'm fortunate in that. We tend to be a polite, controlled family, but huge dysfunction is lurking under the surface. He had (has?) a really good job that has given him a 6 month leave of absence with disability pay and health insurance (paying for his therapies, which our family could not afford, but they won't pay for inpatient). He is squandering the opportunity to use this to get better and it has been another enabler. It is clear to me that I'm in a situation where I'm watching my precious, beloved son kill himself very gradually in front of my eyes. And he doesn't seem to care, but I care.
I try not to be powerless over drugs/alcohol by trying to save his life, but I am indeed powerless. I go to 2 wonderful face-to-face alanon meetings a week since last May, and I am intellectually on board with the program. I just can't seem to know how to actually do it in the moment. I've begun to work the steps. I have a sponsor who I love and who challenges me. I read the literature, pray and meditate. But I can't seem to stop being sucked in to enabling, controlling, "helping", blaming, excusing and utter despair in all the worst ways. As a mother I can't just stand by watching him destroying himself without trying to stop the destruction. But of course nothing I do actually works. On the advice of therapists we have made contracts stating that to live in our house he can't use/drink and specifying other rules. He has broken or disregarded those rules. I've come to the place where I have said I'm ready to kick him out, but my husband will not do that. I really do feel that taking that stand to kick him out could be the best, right action to take at this point, but it will not happen if my husband will not support it. I think that my husband is delusional, and he truly is though he means well, we argue about this, but I think that it's possible that I'm subconsciously relieved that my husband won't kick him out. My husband has gone to a few alanon meetings (3) but is not enthusiastic about it so far.
All of the therapists/doctors have said things to encourage keeping us involved in my son's recovery. The ones who are substance abuse councilors say they are on board with AA, NA and Alanon, but I don't understand how to keep being as involved as they want me to be while also stopping the controlling behavior, practicing detachment and maintaining any serenity or even sanity for myself. People in Alanon also give me advice that I find contradictory. Sometimes I am encouraged to just take care of me, but then when I do what I think that is, people start to tell me I'm not doing something they think I should be doing. I can't clearly explain this to you because I don't understand it myself. I don't blame any of these people for giving me bad advice, I just don't think I have 2 brain cells left to rub together to think rationally with right now to figure out what they are seeing that I'm doing wrong or not doing right.
The non-alanon-program psychiatrist has told me, very upset, that I MUST tell him if my son is drinking, because he doesn't want to give him prescriptions while he's drinking. Well I think he is drinking but I DON'T KNOW he is, he hides it very well. So what am I supposed to do? If I don't tell doctor he's drinking when he is, then I am a participant in physically endangering him (according to doctor). If I say he is or might be drinking, and he actually is not, then doctor will refuse to prescribe him meds that he needs to try to stay sober. Because my son has fooled me so well in the past the only way for me to tell if he's drinking is to watch him like a hawk for perhaps some very subtle signs. Or constantly subject him to testing, which seemed like a good idea to us for a few days, and would allow us to not constantly have to monitor him every second, and my husband has started doing it out of desperation. Now I think that we are doing too much engaging with the alcoholism to be healthy in this situation, and this is not workable, but for right now this is what it is.
I think maybe this thing with the psychiatrist is what finally broke me. I am like the androids in an old Star Trek episode when Captain Kirk tells them "Everything I say is a lie." They get caught in a loop where they just keep repeating "If everything you say is a lie then you must be lying when you say that everything you say is a lie, so then you are telling the truth, but you can't be telling the truth because everything you say is a lie......." I'm like that, stuck in circular thinking. I know how to stop circular thinking in itself, but in this case I still need to figure out what to do about this doctor and I can't figure it out so I am stuck.
So a couple of days ago I totally lost it. I was reading something about "acceptance" and I just felt "f*%# that". I started to throw things, broke a jar of mayo on the kitchen floor, but mostly banging things to make as much noise as possible. Husband was away on business and son in his room in the middle of the day "sleeping"(?). I did this for a half hour then I left and spent some time with my sponsor who is patiently trying to help me. As I said earlier we are polite, controlled people and an outburst like this is not in my normal character. Son and husband are in shock or something about it. Son doesn't want to speak to me, which is fine. I am just so angry. I am afraid if I have a conversation with him I may say things I'll regret later. I have been sleeping and lounging a lot, every now and then go out to the car and sit in there screaming as loud as I can. Sometimes I watch TV and find tears streaming down my cheeks and realize "oh I must be crying". So I feel like a broken person but that is it, I can't be any other way right now. And I really want to be angry for a while. It sort of feels good to be angry. Reading this back I know I sound like a crazy person, but have not been able to sleep well and think straight since this all came out into the open with my son last March.
I am a double winner and have been in/around recovery a long while. I knew from experience and others that the MH medications will NOT work as intended with ALCOHOL. So - I was straight with the Psych. doctors even when he was not. I finally put my son out and he's had to find his way. He has done a decent job and while he's still not sober, he know we will no longer fund his life.
The program restored me to sanity where I was able to convince my husband this was the best next thing. I got my courage and strength restored from working the steps and truly came to believe that my son has his own HP. I had to let him go and hope for the best. He's been to jail, prison, 5+ treatment centers and he's only 22....but - he's in a way better place today and has been reasonably stable since he got out of prison. We allowed him to return here and he broke the rules. I gave him 30 days notice and he moved out on day 30.
Lean into your program. Keep doing what you're doing. It's not all bad to allow your anger to come out - you'll find better ways! Keep coming back - (((hugs)))....I do understand and am in a better place! There is help and hope in recovery!
Thank you so much for your replies. It does help to know that others understand how I feel. While it's true that I should take care of myself, I'm not finding that so easy. I have been eating healthy and exercising, so that's good but just like maintenance work. Very little brings me pleasure, if I go out with a friend I find I don't enjoy myself, things that used to be fun just feel blah. The only things I seem to do for me and kind of like/enjoy are meditating and, strangely, going to alanon meetings where I can listen to other peoples stories and feel understood myself. So maybe those should be my lifelines for now. I've been reading a lot on this board and that is helpful. Heavy stuff but it's helping me get some perspective.
I do feel like head and heart are not aligned as you said Iamhere. And husband and I are not aligned in our thinking. I try to remind myself that my son has his own HP, but I usually forget that. Maybe I should make that a mantra for meditation for a while so I can remember.
It was not fun the first few times. It was nerve-wracking and stress-inducing. Yet, when I came home and all was well - I felt better. Same with outings, meetings, etc. I even started golf last year which I swore I would never do (never say never).
I had to laugh as my oldest son - 24 is going through a split up with his fiance. They have 2 small children 3 and 1. Last Wednesday, he called to say they were splitting up and he needed to move some where. I did not offer. Finally he suggested he live here and I held my boundary and said No. He has found a place to stay short term until he figures something else out. He called tonight to give an update and my husband after the call said that he wanted to help however he could so long as he didn't enable him....
I about fell out of my chair as he's never been to a meeting - his words were spot on (he's a bright guy) but it just caught me so off guard that he's picked up on how much peaceful things are with boundaries and detachment. Trust the program and you'll be amazed at how the program works and how there is always growth, help and hope!
Keep coming back...
(((((Neroli))))) Aloha and thanks for your share...I read it and have come to the opinion that it should be in the monthly Al-Anon Magazine "The Forum" because that is where our stories reach the fellowship widely also. The alcohol industry isn't cutting back with production and doesn't support recovery for the alcoholic and the alcoholic's families. This is just my suggestion and I have PMed you their address. Your choice. I am in deep empathy and compassion for you, your husband and your qualifier son. I was born and raised to this disease, am also a double winner, have been a therapist for a large rehab, worked with younger alcoholic/addicts and the elders also. I will do whatever is legally possible to stunt the growth of this disease at all times. I have considered illegal methods also ....(lol)
Anyway, you are not alone. There is hope and help, sometimes found where we least expect it.