My husband is an alcoholic. He tries to hide it from me but I know when he's drinking. I know him so well I swear I can even tell by his text messages. It makes me furious. I know this won't help anything but I feel like if I ignore it things will only get worse. I'm sick of having the same argument over and over. Any advice?
Jen61 said
Dec 11, 2016
Go to face to face meetings for Al-anon and possibly some open AA meetings. There is a lot of literature to read and this site is the best. I read everything I could get my hand's on years ago and it helped so much. Coming here is a great first step. I wish you the best.
Neroli said
Dec 11, 2016
Hi, I have been dealing with a similar situation and so has someone here named Aerin. It has been helpful to me to read the replies people wrote to her in her threads called "and the sneaking continues" and "mini relapses- should I call him out?" which has moved over to page 2 now.
hotrod said
Dec 11, 2016
Welcome Veronica You are not alone and there is hope I second what Jen has suggested and know that if you search out face to face meetings you will find new constructive tools to live by and will find that being powerless over the disease of alcoholism frees us up to focus on ourselves and our serenity Keep coming back
Veronica12345 said
Dec 11, 2016
Thank you for the replies. I'm not sure if I am ready to attend face to face meetings yet. Pretty emotional over the whole situation and would probably just sit there and cry.
Jerry F said
Dec 11, 2016
Sister there is a time when the weeping ends and the smiles begin. I came in angry and raging and even that went down to zero and then compassion, empathy and understanding for my alcoholic/addict wife. What we offer is suggestions that if taken lead to peace of mind, serenity and sanity. If not taken you stay in the insanity a bit longer before coming out of it. Our peace of mind and serenity isn't dependent on where the alcoholic continues to drink or not. It depends on us following the suggestions and working the program as shown by those who came before us. Our program is world wide, in almost every nook and cranny and there are hundreds of thousands of us in relationships with alcoholics either family or friendships or marriages. This isn't a moral issue this is a age old fatal disease. Working the program tells us that we don't have to stay insane or close to death because others are addicts and alcoholics.
Keep coming back here often. Scroll back thru the postings and learn how we have learned to regain our peace of mind and serenity. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Dec 11, 2016
Welcome to Veronica and Neroli both! Glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Know that there is no shame in loving an alcoholic. It is what it is and mad/anger is part of it. I know that my qualifiers are intelligent people, so I was so frustrated/angry that they could not 'see' things as I saw them. It was very obvious to me they were self-destructing in front of my eyes.....they did not accept that or see it the same at all - which was a huge source of many, many blow-up fights in our world.
I was consumed with them, what they were/were not doing, where they were, what they were on, etc. It was absolute insanity and all the while, I was slowly loosing my last grain of sanity. I had insight into recovery as I was a member of AA already - had been sober and in recovery for a long while. This almost made it worse for me as a part of me (ego) kept thinking if I can't help redirect them, it's a lost cause.
I was nudged towards Al-Anon and was full of anger and fear. What I found was pleasant people who welcomed me without hesitation. I did spend time crying and was fearful to tell our story but it did happen in time. They did not care if I spoke, if I cried, if I shouted or if I came late or left early. All they asked was that I keep an open mind, and keep coming back. They told me they loved me and that Al-Anon meetings were a safe place - no judgement and no advice.
Al-Anon saved my soul/life/sanity and taught me to put me first, keep my focus on me and how to redirect my thinking, attitudes, etc. when my focus began to drift. I learned how to detach with love, set healthy boundaries and respond instead of react. I send you positive thoughts and prayers for courage so you can go and see what local support looks and feels like. If you don't enjoy your first meeting, go again or try a different group. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back and glad you're part of our journey here.
Jazzie18 said
Dec 12, 2016
Veronica, maybe you need things to get worse before he can see and fully realize he has a problem. I can relate on how furious one gets when lied to. I swear I could tell the moment my AH opened his mouth on the phone when he was drinking. I believe a lot of us have this gift or should I say curse. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I could totally relate. I finally turned it over to my HP and got to as many meetings as I could. Once I started to focus on myself and not my AH, he got worse (pretty fast) and there was no one to blame for his behavior except himself. It was by stepping away that I stopped enabling him and our fights were no longer his excuse as to why he was getting blasted every night. Sending you positive thoughts.
In terms of the meetings, I too was so scared to go. The first meeting I didn't talk but afterwards someone asked me who my qualifier was and I started to bawl. Crying can be very healing. There is a lot of crying that goes on in meetings and no one is shocked or makes you ashamed for doing so. I cried for the first year when ever I shared. I still cry occasionally. Please try and go to a meeting if you can. They were such a god send to me when I first came into the program.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Monday 12th of December 2016 04:47:08 PM
Maresie25 said
Dec 12, 2016
I can still get angry about being lied to. I have had to look at what was I expecting. currently work with someone who lies about everything. The thing is once you really get it and accept they are liars you boundary up
My problem is I want to argue and confront them about the lying . What good does that do?
I think I have had to look at how I have betrayed myself with the arguing about the lies
I know I engage very differently with people who lie these days. I have to get smashed down by then a whole bunch of times.
I can channel my anger into other things now. Channel it into being good to yourself. Channel it into being kind to yourself. Our fallback is to always beat ourselves up.
Believe me I did not see this guy who I work with coming. I do now.
The attachment to the alcoholic is really intense. At so many times they seem really compelling. Eventually at certain times it comes down to what are your needs. How are they doing. What are they. Your needs are every bit as valid as his
When I get right down to it, my needs are not gonna be met around an alcoholic. There is too much chaos, too much manipulation. Right across the board I have always found with an alcoholic my needs get squashed
For me it is a sure fire clue I am dealing with an alcoholic when my needs are not treated as important. When their needs are paramount is when it is real clear who you are dealing with. And what then?
For me I have to closely examine how and what I am getting out of a relationship when my needs are continuously put aside
Sometimes we have to step back to look at all this stuff. For me when I meet an alcoholic and he or she pulls the their needs come first it is an enormous trigger
Eventually I get to the point of downgrading the relationship. I am so very grateful I can see the signs now. I deserve to have my needs taken seriously. I deserve to be considered. I deserve not to second guess the lies
Maresie25
My husband is an alcoholic. He tries to hide it from me but I know when he's drinking. I know him so well I swear I can even tell by his text messages. It makes me furious. I know this won't help anything but I feel like if I ignore it things will only get worse. I'm sick of having the same argument over and over. Any advice?
Hi, I have been dealing with a similar situation and so has someone here named Aerin. It has been helpful to me to read the replies people wrote to her in her threads called "and the sneaking continues" and "mini relapses- should I call him out?" which has moved over to page 2 now.
Sister there is a time when the weeping ends and the smiles begin. I came in angry and raging and even that went down to zero and then compassion, empathy and understanding for my alcoholic/addict wife. What we offer is suggestions that if taken lead to peace of mind, serenity and sanity. If not taken you stay in the insanity a bit longer before coming out of it. Our peace of mind and serenity isn't dependent on where the alcoholic continues to drink or not. It depends on us following the suggestions and working the program as shown by those who came before us. Our program is world wide, in almost every nook and cranny and there are hundreds of thousands of us in relationships with alcoholics either family or friendships or marriages. This isn't a moral issue this is a age old fatal disease. Working the program tells us that we don't have to stay insane or close to death because others are addicts and alcoholics.
Keep coming back here often. Scroll back thru the postings and learn how we have learned to regain our peace of mind and serenity. ((((hugs))))
I was consumed with them, what they were/were not doing, where they were, what they were on, etc. It was absolute insanity and all the while, I was slowly loosing my last grain of sanity. I had insight into recovery as I was a member of AA already - had been sober and in recovery for a long while. This almost made it worse for me as a part of me (ego) kept thinking if I can't help redirect them, it's a lost cause.
I was nudged towards Al-Anon and was full of anger and fear. What I found was pleasant people who welcomed me without hesitation. I did spend time crying and was fearful to tell our story but it did happen in time. They did not care if I spoke, if I cried, if I shouted or if I came late or left early. All they asked was that I keep an open mind, and keep coming back. They told me they loved me and that Al-Anon meetings were a safe place - no judgement and no advice.
Al-Anon saved my soul/life/sanity and taught me to put me first, keep my focus on me and how to redirect my thinking, attitudes, etc. when my focus began to drift. I learned how to detach with love, set healthy boundaries and respond instead of react. I send you positive thoughts and prayers for courage so you can go and see what local support looks and feels like. If you don't enjoy your first meeting, go again or try a different group. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back and glad you're part of our journey here.
Veronica, maybe you need things to get worse before he can see and fully realize he has a problem. I can relate on how furious one gets when lied to. I swear I could tell the moment my AH opened his mouth on the phone when he was drinking. I believe a lot of us have this gift or should I say curse. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I could totally relate. I finally turned it over to my HP and got to as many meetings as I could. Once I started to focus on myself and not my AH, he got worse (pretty fast) and there was no one to blame for his behavior except himself. It was by stepping away that I stopped enabling him and our fights were no longer his excuse as to why he was getting blasted every night. Sending you positive thoughts.
In terms of the meetings, I too was so scared to go. The first meeting I didn't talk but afterwards someone asked me who my qualifier was and I started to bawl. Crying can be very healing. There is a lot of crying that goes on in meetings and no one is shocked or makes you ashamed for doing so. I cried for the first year when ever I shared. I still cry occasionally. Please try and go to a meeting if you can. They were such a god send to me when I first came into the program.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Monday 12th of December 2016 04:47:08 PM