So my 24 year old son made an official announcement that he has relapsed. At first he told me by text message and then decided to tell it to my face while I was in the kitchen. He started to talking to me in that very slurred way from across the kitchen but when I said "Whaaaat are you even saying?" over the dishwasher he decided to come closer and tell me that he is " 24 and is done with recovery and will never ever stop, not jail, the police, or probation will ever make me stop...Not even you" He screamed at me. I told him I was sorry to hear that. As I went to walk past him he became obnoxious and mocking me and blocking my way. I told him then I wasn't going to argue with him, I heard what he said, and to please let me pass. He then grabbed me and that is when my serenity went right out the window. In not a calm voice, I told him to take his *&^% hands off me, whether he relapsed or not, I was still his &*^%$^& mother! He let go of me and bolted for the door and proceeded to knock over and break every Christmas decoration on the way.
I don't know where he went, I am sure he will not be back tonight, but to be on the safe side I bolted the door, turned on the security system and have hid all my valuables. This isn't my first rodeo. I feel bad that I screamed at him. I feel bad that I lost my serenity. I feel bad that he has relapsed.
hotrod said
Dec 8, 2016
((Fooled)) I am so sorry that this has developed to such a painful outcome.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
LinSC said
Dec 9, 2016
Sorry fooled, hang in there, be strong
prayers your way linsc
Maresie25 said
Dec 9, 2016
Be kind to yourself. Take it slowly. Don't give in to beating your self up.
Iamhere said
Dec 9, 2016
(((Fooled))) -- breathe, breathe, breathe...be gentle with you. I am having some similar chaos here and have been baited many times this week. I have raised my voice and shocked on of my sons by stating I needed to get off the phone before I said something I might regret for a lifetime....
The disease brings out the worst in everyone - them and us. We are imperfect and we are doing the best we can. As I have been processing this week, I realized that one of many reasons why I am so anxious around the holidays is because this is the season that has brought about the most relapses, issues, chaos, insanity and pain for the 10 years this disease has been active in my qualifiers. I've been working hard to stay out of self-pity because I used to love the holiday season - the songs, the decorations, the gifts, the gatherings. I've had to truly let a ton of that go and just be grateful for the simple things - my parents are still alive and arrive a week from today for almost 2 weeks!
I am banking program as we speak. I am increasing my meetings, my readings, my sponsor contact, etc. as I know I need the program more than ever to get through the holiday season. I know I need to be in one day only and allow my HP to bless each moment of each day. There is a huge 'storm' brewing around me, and I'm doing all that I can to stay in the present and not get drawn in.
(((hugs))) - you are not alone - lean into your program as best you can and be good to you!!!
2HP said
Dec 9, 2016
Our literature describes it this way - they act and we react.
Hard not to react to a tornado in the house, right?!!
I'm feeling sad with you. I hope you focus on being a "good friend" to yourself, lots of self-compassion. I am personally skipping the big holiday decorations in favor of keeping it simple, kinda resonates more with my energies this year. I've strung a few lights to brighten my spirits, and set up a little manger to behold Divine humility. I'm heading to the store now for pecans, I am eager to bake a new fruitcake recipe this afternoon........
My sponsor used to say, "Nothing says LOVIN like something from the oven."
(((big hugs))) to all
TessaB said
Dec 9, 2016
I am sorry fooled.Wow,it sounded so familiar it gave me anxiety to read it.
Mike B said
Dec 9, 2016
Hi Suzann, I'm glad you posted. A problem shared is a problem diminished. We've all been there- we understand and can empathize with you. My son has done that to me before. We all have our breaking points. Our qualifiers certainly know which buttons to push to get us to react. They're professionals. I was asking my Sponsor one time: why can't I just kick his ^ass? Just once? He told me that I could if I choose but I might be sharing a jail cell with him.
Sounds like you handled it very well. Don't beat yourself up for reacting. We try to do our best that's all. It's nice today that you can recognize it and work/pray for improvement. It's hard to have a healthy/rational relationship with an active alcoholic. Truth is- it's impossible.
What I did was take a look at what was best for ME. What I would tolerate and not tolerate. Then I set-up boundaries to protect me and my peace of mind.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 9, 2016
I think you are being way to hard on yourself .. That's an opinion. I don't recall anywhere in Alanon lit stating I need to always be perfect. Yes .. I try for appropriate responses .. Sometimes it is an appropriate response to break. My therapist asked me once at what point do I get permission to be human? That is the blessing of the program I get to dust myself off and try again. Hugs. S :)
2HP said
Dec 9, 2016
Suzann, I re-read your post and feel concerned about him grabbing you...!!! In my home (years ago now) the control thing kept escalating. My Al-anon friends convinced me to keep a bag packed and ready to go. PLEASE be sure you are safe and do not hesitate to call the police. Many al-anon friends have called the police on their own violent children. Do not accept unacceptable behavior!
One trait I have as an adult child, whenever I do something to take care of myself, it develops into GUILT....deep down is a voice telling me I'm not allowed to honor or protect myself, certainly couldn't do it as a child, so it's the conditioning I have. Another trait, I have a very high tolerance for abuse. Today I consider yelling an act of violence. yet I grew up with it thinking it was "normal."
I went to visit my adult daughter last summer. Two days into the visit, after her busy-ness and absence, I calmly told her I would go ahead and leave a day early since she seemed too busy for the visit. She went into a rage. Its a miracle I stayed calm, asking her to please speak calmly before her neighbors became alarmed.... I am standing right here. She could NOT control herself, kept screaming at me. I had to leave.
Days turned into months with no word from her and I felt so sad and guilty. I had to quiet the voice inside telling me that I did something wrong... had to leave the unfortunate outcome to God. My daughter had been so exposed to this behavior growing up... however, today, I simply will not stand for such abuse. Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses is a good Al-anon book about grieving... all the dreams we had for our family are lost due to the destruction of alcoholism. I found the book comforting.
Just wanted to check in with you and make sure you weren't going into guilt or shame (the root of perfectionism) for holding a boundary over his unacceptable behavior...... under your roof. what arrogance.
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 9th of December 2016 04:34:07 PM
serenity47 said
Dec 9, 2016
I am sorry to hear about the pain of your son relapsing. It is very difficult to watch our loved ones self destruct again and again. Please be kind to yourself. You are human. You may have lost your serenity in the moment but you have the choice to start your day over anytime you like.
Fooled said
Dec 10, 2016
Thank you all for your concerned responses. I am ok. Not good not bad but ok. I cut my day a little short and dug right in to my program. Unfortunately, I do feel guilt and I am depressed. I am trying to hide it from my RAH because the last thing I need to hear is "I told you he would do this to you" My son did call me today and apologize for grabbing me but not for the very nasty text messages that followed after he left. I told him that I loved him and always will. He is spending the weekend at his girlfriends so we can have some time apart, according to him. My program friend snapped me into reality that just like my AH did he is using this as a cooling off period so that hopefully I will be grateful when he returns and life can go on the way he wants. I cant do that. The text messages where all untrue but designed to hit me right where he knew it would hurt. I am just sooooo done with this pain, the mistrust, the lies, his manipulation. I am just so sick of it all.
I know what's coming down the road, like I said it's not my first rodeo with him, for 9 years, 4 rehabs, 2 iops, and boat load of therapists. The holidays sure do bring out the stress. Id like to say I am surprised but I am not. Just sad. I can make a thousand excuses for why I cursed and yelled the way I did, I was shocked and fearful, I was in pain from having 2 root canals earlier in the day, and I was tired, his lack of respect of me, his mother, .....but I did it and it's usually outside of my character. You cant unring bells, right? I didn't apologize either, as it wouldn't have been sincere. That's the part I feel guilty about.
I can honestly say this has been the absolute worst year of my entire life. It was even worse than the year I had the chicken pox on my 13th birthday. I hope 2017 is better.
hotrod said
Dec 10, 2016
((Fooled)) I have been there and so understand. Please remember that you are human. I found even after 20 years of program, I was still capable of dragging in my old worn out destructive tools and lashing out.
I am sending prayers and positive thoughts to you.
Iamhere said
Dec 10, 2016
(((Hugs))) -I too so understand. I also recall getting excited for the New Year! My sponsor used to say, "Why wait? Enjoy today!" Well ---- that used to irritate me to no end. However, there was a ton of truth to that. If it helps you any, my oldest son has decided he's unhappy and is leaving his baby momma and 2 kids. He suggested he needed to move in here and have a bedroom for his children when they visit and ....... so he could finish school.
She is supporting him, he is Mr. Mom when he's not in school and the babies are young. I listened and suggested I was caught off guard and needed to process. I took time to consider, and calmly suggested his returning home was not an option. I had enough going on in my life that his unhappiness was not my burden to bear. I suggested he reconsider his life, one day at a time, and left it at that.
I spoke with baby momma too and told her I was equally angry and disappointed in them both. They need to work together to make a happy home for those kids and I am here to assist. Because she's the one employed, she believes that she's entitled to everything and he's just gotta go...that's just not the way the world works, nor the courts, etc. I did invite her to an Al-Anon meeting.
So - I share this as you have every right to suggest he needs to find another place to live permanently. I have actually given my boys a 30 day notice in writing as they've suggested I don't have a legal right to evict them. So, I actually went through the formal process as they believe they can 'squat' here - wrong answer!!!
My thinking and processing gets so mucky when it's my sons. The mom in me and my heart want to fix, help, enable, etc. them. My mind and soul tell me that I am holding them back from growth if I do. My best tool at moments like this is to 'act as if they are not my child but an adult who is ...........'
Take good care of you - ouch on the root canals and all! Know we're here for you!
hotrod said
Dec 10, 2016
((IAH)) Positive thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family as well.
Fooled said
Dec 10, 2016
Hotrod and IAH I so appreciate your support. IAH I am so sorry to hear of your own chaos. I didn't sleep much last night...thinking, stayed up late working on my Christmas projects. I can so relate to your feelings of muck when it comes to your children. I thought I was able to detach more so from my son than my husband, as I recognize he is an adult and has to face his own consequences, where my husbands consequences directly affects me. Turns out, on the inside, I cant detach as easily as it shows on the outside. I want to enable him and protect him and shake the crap out of him. There is also that part that just says enough is enough. I am just tired. The truth to his words of "I wont stop even for you" resonates inside of me. I am so guilty of dangling the carrot in front of his nose, saying "if you get clean and sober, I will........" We do not want our children unhappy, I don't want mine to go to jail, as that is what is going to happen because by relapsing he has violated his probation. He will lose his job that he just got, that he actually pursued a goal to be an electrician and started a month ago as an apprentice. I think to myself why would anyone want to go back down the road? He only has to look at his biological father to see the outcome. My ExAH drug addict hasn't worked in years. He has nothing. My RAH, my son's stepfather, at 49 is finally starting over. He has drank for over 30 years. He has faced all those consequences and then some yet neither have any compassion for the other.
My interim sponsor and I met yesterday afternoon. According to her I am making significant progress over the last 90 days myself. My head is much clearer, I have clear cut boundaries, and I have developed a circle of peace around myself that I can retreat to. She said the same thing IAH to look at my son as just an adult that has a disease. That's hard, as I look at him I still see the little boy struggling to tie his shoes, getting off the school bus with his batman lunch box. For today, I have accepted that my son has relapsed and at 24 he has a right to do that. He has a right to face all those consequences that coming down the road and I have to let them play out. He is way past the age of accountability. He has moved out several times before when he has suffered a relapse but it was always in the midst of some chaos in which he was trying to make me look like an asshole. I refuse to accept that role this time. I am a kind, compassionate, loving Christian woman! However, it really irks me my sons lack of respect and sense of entitlement. That's what I get from your son's suggestion to return home and have two rooms in your house, IAH! Like, really? I struggle so hard with being non judgmental vs. annoyed with the sense of entitlement. At 24, I am no longer responsible for your happiness. My job is done. If he doesn't like the bed he has made here, or at his father's, or at any other place he has landed over the years, it's time to go make his own. When I was his age, I had to make my own way, do without, budget, and this disease (along with my enabling) has made him come to expect he can just do whatever he wants. He just wakes up one day and decides oh hell with it, I don't want to be clean and sober, responsible. As your son, IAH, I am not happy. There were many days I woke up unhappy and tired of being responsible. I didn't call my mother and suggest I move home, nor did I text her that I am officially going to return to a life of destruction.
My struggles today are two fold; One is that my son asked for an item for Christmas, it is sellable, if need be. So considering the current circumstances, why do I want to give him a gift that is essentially a loaded gun? He could potentially sell it for drugs and alcohol if need be. If I don't get it, am I being judgmental? Am I punishing him for his choice? Secondly, my RAH were to go to his mother's tomorrow to see her for the holiday. My RAH is trying to re-establish a relationship with her. He did all the same things to her that my son did to me. The only difference is she is an alcoholic with 30 years of sobriety. I made a beautiful gift for her. My best work so far. Last Friday, my RAH called her to set up the plans and she ended up hanging up on him because he didn't confess to taking items from her over 10 years ago to support his habit. He doesn't remember doing this. She did agree to the visit and plans for lunch. We have not heard from her all week. I called her last night to confirm and she stated that she is not ready to see my RAH. She is angry with him and has resentment towards him for a lot of things that an alcoholic does. Further, she had no intention of telling him and either expected me to tell him or if I hadn't called was just going to not be home when we got there. I am appalled! Why is this my responsibility to tell him? I am thinking of sending her a Christmas card and telling her how I feel and that I was gracious enough to support my RAH to receive the olive branch she was extending when he was in the hospital after his last relapse and now she is taking it back? I really need some ESH on this.
2HP said
Dec 10, 2016
Recovery actually taught me that God's Will is sometimes about rocking the damn boat. Actually using my God-given voice to say this is not right. Can you imagine what the world would look like if no one raised their voice against evil?
Why would you apologize for holding a boundary? Yes sometimes I've had to apologize for HOW I said something, but never to an active alcoholic. An alcoholic mind twists it around and misunderstands the intent. They use it as ammunition against me when it suits their purpose.
Making amends is NOT necessarily about saying "Im sorry" to the person but few people understand this, imo. It is about amending my constitution, if you will, allowing God to change ME and amend my character. God is the One I wish to please.
Getting quiet and still.... this is what God wants from me until I am confidently trusting again. From that place of strength, I am prompted to act even though I still may not know what to do, God's grace takes over. I make myself receptive to God in meditation, calming my restless mind so that God can enter and guide my actions.
I hope you remember the 3 C's, you did not cause his disease, can't control it or cure it, even if you did raise your voice to (it.) Perhaps you have parent-focused meetings where you live...? I know many parents who have shown their adult kids the door, refusing to permit using and abusing under their roof because the unpredictability prevents serenity. We have one responsibility..... personal serenity. It takes COURAGE... a character trait I never had before Alanon.
Your son is an adult. The kids I delivered into this world are God's and not "mine." As a parent, I'm meant to guide them as God would have me guide them, not cripple them.... doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.... enable them or otherwise conspiring with dis-ease and destruction of Good.
My suggestion for you... erase the texts. Keeping them in your mind and heart prevents you from focusing on God's presence. And do not take them personally, those words are not your son..... but a disease needing to blame YOU so he won't have to take responsibility. making you feel guilty is the perfect plan so that the disease can continue.
As for relationships... I was taught to avoid "triangulating".... getting involved in the relationship between others. You are correct, it is not your responsibility to get involved but I often BELIEVE everything people tell me, I've had to learn to question everything.
It's their karma to work out. You are doing great ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 10th of December 2016 11:51:01 AM
maryjane said
Dec 10, 2016
I feel so bad for you. Really, you think you are guilty?
I remember the anger I had to process when AlAnon opened my eyes to all that was happening around me. And I had to keep saying to myself "Even Jesus was entitled to his anger when he went to the temple and overthrew all the tables that the Pharisees had put up." I could see Jesus having pure rage...... and that was what I was feeling too.
Don't feel guilty because you used the "f" word on your son. Frankly, he deserved it. It is your home. You are his mother. You have stood by him for so many years of lies.
Take care of yourself!!!
On the other 2 issues:
1. The gift...... it would be the same as giving him money for his habit. Would you do that? Think of something else. Maybe a month's rent on an apartment?
2. Don't put yourself between 2 people. Tell your hubby to call his mom and you won't go over there until he can talk to her and confirm and knows she will be home. That puts the ball in his court. It is not your job to help a passive-aggressive mom.
Again. Take care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Dec 10, 2016
Thanks Betty for the support.....the disease just makes life so darn difficult at times.
Suzanne - lean into your program and the answers will come for your concerns of today. I know when my boys are slipping around and away, each day seems to bring new opportunities to use our tools. I can say that I even postponed Christmas a couple of times as that's what made the most sense for my life at the time.
Continued prayers and positive thoughts are heading your way!!
LNOODLES said
Dec 11, 2016
My son has relapsed and everything is my fault. Him getting a divorced, losing his child and has no where to live is my fault. the last thing that I told him was that he will no longer hear from me and to go get sober. he denies that he's using but it's so obvious from his behavior to his appearance. He's so angry at me and says terrible things to me. I'm lost and I don't know what to do....
hotrod said
Dec 11, 2016
LNoodles welcome You are not alone Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend . Here you will be given new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network who understands as few others can. Keep coming back here as well.
Iamhere said
Dec 11, 2016
LNoodles - I too welcome you to MIP....I'm with Betty above - seek out local Al-Anon meetings and find support and hope as soon as you can. My qualifiers include my sons and I've also been on the receiving end of hateful words. I understand your pain, anger, fear, etc. This disease is maddening and is progressive. The drinker is never cured but can be treated through recovery if desired. Alcoholism is also considered a family disease because it reaches out and touches just about everyone who lives with or loves them.
The first thing in learned in Al-Anon that was contrary to what I had been hearing in the insanity of my home was the three C(s) - 1. I did not cause this, 2. I can't control this, and 3. I can't cure it. I can go and find support from others in similar situations and learn how to recover from the affects and find my peace and joy again.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery through Al-Anon. Keep coming back - we're here to help each other in our journey!
So my 24 year old son made an official announcement that he has relapsed. At first he told me by text message and then decided to tell it to my face while I was in the kitchen. He started to talking to me in that very slurred way from across the kitchen but when I said "Whaaaat are you even saying?" over the dishwasher he decided to come closer and tell me that he is " 24 and is done with recovery and will never ever stop, not jail, the police, or probation will ever make me stop...Not even you" He screamed at me. I told him I was sorry to hear that. As I went to walk past him he became obnoxious and mocking me and blocking my way. I told him then I wasn't going to argue with him, I heard what he said, and to please let me pass. He then grabbed me and that is when my serenity went right out the window. In not a calm voice, I told him to take his *&^% hands off me, whether he relapsed or not, I was still his &*^%$^& mother! He let go of me and bolted for the door and proceeded to knock over and break every Christmas decoration on the way.
I don't know where he went, I am sure he will not be back tonight, but to be on the safe side I bolted the door, turned on the security system and have hid all my valuables. This isn't my first rodeo. I feel bad that I screamed at him. I feel bad that I lost my serenity. I feel bad that he has relapsed.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Sorry fooled, hang in there, be strong
prayers your way linsc
The disease brings out the worst in everyone - them and us. We are imperfect and we are doing the best we can. As I have been processing this week, I realized that one of many reasons why I am so anxious around the holidays is because this is the season that has brought about the most relapses, issues, chaos, insanity and pain for the 10 years this disease has been active in my qualifiers. I've been working hard to stay out of self-pity because I used to love the holiday season - the songs, the decorations, the gifts, the gatherings. I've had to truly let a ton of that go and just be grateful for the simple things - my parents are still alive and arrive a week from today for almost 2 weeks!
I am banking program as we speak. I am increasing my meetings, my readings, my sponsor contact, etc. as I know I need the program more than ever to get through the holiday season. I know I need to be in one day only and allow my HP to bless each moment of each day. There is a huge 'storm' brewing around me, and I'm doing all that I can to stay in the present and not get drawn in.
(((hugs))) - you are not alone - lean into your program as best you can and be good to you!!!
Hard not to react to a tornado in the house, right?!!
I'm feeling sad with you. I hope you focus on being a "good friend" to yourself, lots of self-compassion. I am personally skipping the big holiday decorations in favor of keeping it simple, kinda resonates more with my energies this year. I've strung a few lights to brighten my spirits, and set up a little manger to behold Divine humility. I'm heading to the store now for pecans, I am eager to bake a new fruitcake recipe this afternoon........
My sponsor used to say, "Nothing says LOVIN like something from the oven."
(((big hugs))) to all
Hi Suzann, I'm glad you posted. A problem shared is a problem diminished. We've all been there- we understand and can empathize with you. My son has done that to me before. We all have our breaking points. Our qualifiers certainly know which buttons to push to get us to react. They're professionals. I was asking my Sponsor one time: why can't I just kick his ^ass? Just once? He told me that I could if I choose but I might be sharing a jail cell with him.
Sounds like you handled it very well. Don't beat yourself up for reacting. We try to do our best that's all. It's nice today that you can recognize it and work/pray for improvement. It's hard to have a healthy/rational relationship with an active alcoholic. Truth is- it's impossible.
What I did was take a look at what was best for ME. What I would tolerate and not tolerate. Then I set-up boundaries to protect me and my peace of mind.
Suzann, I re-read your post and feel concerned about him grabbing you...!!! In my home (years ago now) the control thing kept escalating. My Al-anon friends convinced me to keep a bag packed and ready to go. PLEASE be sure you are safe and do not hesitate to call the police. Many al-anon friends have called the police on their own violent children. Do not accept unacceptable behavior!
One trait I have as an adult child, whenever I do something to take care of myself, it develops into GUILT....deep down is a voice telling me I'm not allowed to honor or protect myself, certainly couldn't do it as a child, so it's the conditioning I have. Another trait, I have a very high tolerance for abuse. Today I consider yelling an act of violence. yet I grew up with it thinking it was "normal."
I went to visit my adult daughter last summer. Two days into the visit, after her busy-ness and absence, I calmly told her I would go ahead and leave a day early since she seemed too busy for the visit. She went into a rage. Its a miracle I stayed calm, asking her to please speak calmly before her neighbors became alarmed.... I am standing right here. She could NOT control herself, kept screaming at me. I had to leave.
Days turned into months with no word from her and I felt so sad and guilty. I had to quiet the voice inside telling me that I did something wrong... had to leave the unfortunate outcome to God. My daughter had been so exposed to this behavior growing up... however, today, I simply will not stand for such abuse. Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses is a good Al-anon book about grieving... all the dreams we had for our family are lost due to the destruction of alcoholism. I found the book comforting.
Just wanted to check in with you and make sure you weren't going into guilt or shame (the root of perfectionism) for holding a boundary over his unacceptable behavior...... under your roof. what arrogance.
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 9th of December 2016 04:34:07 PM
I know what's coming down the road, like I said it's not my first rodeo with him, for 9 years, 4 rehabs, 2 iops, and boat load of therapists. The holidays sure do bring out the stress. Id like to say I am surprised but I am not. Just sad. I can make a thousand excuses for why I cursed and yelled the way I did, I was shocked and fearful, I was in pain from having 2 root canals earlier in the day, and I was tired, his lack of respect of me, his mother, .....but I did it and it's usually outside of my character. You cant unring bells, right? I didn't apologize either, as it wouldn't have been sincere. That's the part I feel guilty about.
I can honestly say this has been the absolute worst year of my entire life. It was even worse than the year I had the chicken pox on my 13th birthday. I hope 2017 is better.
((Fooled)) I have been there and so understand. Please remember that you are human. I found even after 20 years of program, I was still capable of dragging in my old worn out destructive tools and lashing out.
I am sending prayers and positive thoughts to you.
She is supporting him, he is Mr. Mom when he's not in school and the babies are young. I listened and suggested I was caught off guard and needed to process. I took time to consider, and calmly suggested his returning home was not an option. I had enough going on in my life that his unhappiness was not my burden to bear. I suggested he reconsider his life, one day at a time, and left it at that.
I spoke with baby momma too and told her I was equally angry and disappointed in them both. They need to work together to make a happy home for those kids and I am here to assist. Because she's the one employed, she believes that she's entitled to everything and he's just gotta go...that's just not the way the world works, nor the courts, etc. I did invite her to an Al-Anon meeting.
So - I share this as you have every right to suggest he needs to find another place to live permanently. I have actually given my boys a 30 day notice in writing as they've suggested I don't have a legal right to evict them. So, I actually went through the formal process as they believe they can 'squat' here - wrong answer!!!
My thinking and processing gets so mucky when it's my sons. The mom in me and my heart want to fix, help, enable, etc. them. My mind and soul tell me that I am holding them back from growth if I do. My best tool at moments like this is to 'act as if they are not my child but an adult who is ...........'
Take good care of you - ouch on the root canals and all! Know we're here for you!
((IAH)) Positive thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family as well.
My interim sponsor and I met yesterday afternoon. According to her I am making significant progress over the last 90 days myself. My head is much clearer, I have clear cut boundaries, and I have developed a circle of peace around myself that I can retreat to. She said the same thing IAH to look at my son as just an adult that has a disease. That's hard, as I look at him I still see the little boy struggling to tie his shoes, getting off the school bus with his batman lunch box. For today, I have accepted that my son has relapsed and at 24 he has a right to do that. He has a right to face all those consequences that coming down the road and I have to let them play out. He is way past the age of accountability. He has moved out several times before when he has suffered a relapse but it was always in the midst of some chaos in which he was trying to make me look like an asshole. I refuse to accept that role this time. I am a kind, compassionate, loving Christian woman! However, it really irks me my sons lack of respect and sense of entitlement. That's what I get from your son's suggestion to return home and have two rooms in your house, IAH! Like, really? I struggle so hard with being non judgmental vs. annoyed with the sense of entitlement. At 24, I am no longer responsible for your happiness. My job is done. If he doesn't like the bed he has made here, or at his father's, or at any other place he has landed over the years, it's time to go make his own. When I was his age, I had to make my own way, do without, budget, and this disease (along with my enabling) has made him come to expect he can just do whatever he wants. He just wakes up one day and decides oh hell with it, I don't want to be clean and sober, responsible. As your son, IAH, I am not happy. There were many days I woke up unhappy and tired of being responsible. I didn't call my mother and suggest I move home, nor did I text her that I am officially going to return to a life of destruction.
My struggles today are two fold; One is that my son asked for an item for Christmas, it is sellable, if need be. So considering the current circumstances, why do I want to give him a gift that is essentially a loaded gun? He could potentially sell it for drugs and alcohol if need be. If I don't get it, am I being judgmental? Am I punishing him for his choice? Secondly, my RAH were to go to his mother's tomorrow to see her for the holiday. My RAH is trying to re-establish a relationship with her. He did all the same things to her that my son did to me. The only difference is she is an alcoholic with 30 years of sobriety. I made a beautiful gift for her. My best work so far. Last Friday, my RAH called her to set up the plans and she ended up hanging up on him because he didn't confess to taking items from her over 10 years ago to support his habit. He doesn't remember doing this. She did agree to the visit and plans for lunch. We have not heard from her all week. I called her last night to confirm and she stated that she is not ready to see my RAH. She is angry with him and has resentment towards him for a lot of things that an alcoholic does. Further, she had no intention of telling him and either expected me to tell him or if I hadn't called was just going to not be home when we got there. I am appalled! Why is this my responsibility to tell him? I am thinking of sending her a Christmas card and telling her how I feel and that I was gracious enough to support my RAH to receive the olive branch she was extending when he was in the hospital after his last relapse and now she is taking it back? I really need some ESH on this.
Recovery actually taught me that God's Will is sometimes about rocking the damn boat. Actually using my God-given voice to say this is not right. Can you imagine what the world would look like if no one raised their voice against evil?
Why would you apologize for holding a boundary? Yes sometimes I've had to apologize for HOW I said something, but never to an active alcoholic. An alcoholic mind twists it around and misunderstands the intent. They use it as ammunition against me when it suits their purpose.
Making amends is NOT necessarily about saying "Im sorry" to the person but few people understand this, imo. It is about amending my constitution, if you will, allowing God to change ME and amend my character. God is the One I wish to please.
Getting quiet and still.... this is what God wants from me until I am confidently trusting again. From that place of strength, I am prompted to act even though I still may not know what to do, God's grace takes over. I make myself receptive to God in meditation, calming my restless mind so that God can enter and guide my actions.
I hope you remember the 3 C's, you did not cause his disease, can't control it or cure it, even if you did raise your voice to (it.) Perhaps you have parent-focused meetings where you live...? I know many parents who have shown their adult kids the door, refusing to permit using and abusing under their roof because the unpredictability prevents serenity. We have one responsibility..... personal serenity. It takes COURAGE... a character trait I never had before Alanon.
Your son is an adult. The kids I delivered into this world are God's and not "mine." As a parent, I'm meant to guide them as God would have me guide them, not cripple them.... doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.... enable them or otherwise conspiring with dis-ease and destruction of Good.
My suggestion for you... erase the texts. Keeping them in your mind and heart prevents you from focusing on God's presence. And do not take them personally, those words are not your son..... but a disease needing to blame YOU so he won't have to take responsibility. making you feel guilty is the perfect plan so that the disease can continue.
As for relationships... I was taught to avoid "triangulating".... getting involved in the relationship between others. You are correct, it is not your responsibility to get involved but I often BELIEVE everything people tell me, I've had to learn to question everything.
It's their karma to work out. You are doing great ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 10th of December 2016 11:51:01 AM
I remember the anger I had to process when AlAnon opened my eyes to all that was happening around me. And I had to keep saying to myself "Even Jesus was entitled to his anger when he went to the temple and overthrew all the tables that the Pharisees had put up." I could see Jesus having pure rage...... and that was what I was feeling too.
Don't feel guilty because you used the "f" word on your son. Frankly, he deserved it. It is your home. You are his mother. You have stood by him for so many years of lies.
Take care of yourself!!!
On the other 2 issues:
1. The gift...... it would be the same as giving him money for his habit. Would you do that? Think of something else. Maybe a month's rent on an apartment?
2. Don't put yourself between 2 people. Tell your hubby to call his mom and you won't go over there until he can talk to her and confirm and knows she will be home. That puts the ball in his court. It is not your job to help a passive-aggressive mom.
Again. Take care of yourself.
Suzanne - lean into your program and the answers will come for your concerns of today. I know when my boys are slipping around and away, each day seems to bring new opportunities to use our tools. I can say that I even postponed Christmas a couple of times as that's what made the most sense for my life at the time.
Continued prayers and positive thoughts are heading your way!!
My son has relapsed and everything is my fault. Him getting a divorced, losing his child and has no where to live is my fault. the last thing that I told him was that he will no longer hear from me and to go get sober. he denies that he's using but it's so obvious from his behavior to his appearance. He's so angry at me and says terrible things to me. I'm lost and I don't know what to do....
The first thing in learned in Al-Anon that was contrary to what I had been hearing in the insanity of my home was the three C(s) - 1. I did not cause this, 2. I can't control this, and 3. I can't cure it. I can go and find support from others in similar situations and learn how to recover from the affects and find my peace and joy again.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery through Al-Anon. Keep coming back - we're here to help each other in our journey!