I posted before about my son obviously being high when he would stop by my house,and how I felt the need to call him out on it,to know the truth.After that,I did my best to just mind my own business,not accuse him of being high,not ask if he was,I basically just ignored it.
Things really got worse though.It seemed like the more I minded my own business,the higher he got.Within the past week or so since I last posted he would come over so high he could barely walk or talk.He would sit on the couch and fall asleep for hours,wake up,leave for awhile,come back over,and the same thing would happen.
He went to jail yesterday,apparently there was a warrant he was unaware of.I have to admit that I am relieved,I know where he is,I know he is safe.But he most likely won't be in there very long.
Enough is enough!I can't do this anymore.I can't mind my own business,stay in my own hula hoop or anything else I have read about.I can't just ignore,detach or anything else.It feels more like sticking my head in the sand.I don't want him coming over anymore while high.It's too much to deal with.But I don't know how to handle this situation,especially considering the fact that my husband is in such denial he makes excuses for our son,says he's 'tired' and is taking 'naps'.He would never stand by my decision to not allow him here if he's been using.
So I am trying to think of what I can do to change this situation.But all I can come up with is to leave the house if my husband is going to allow him here.But I don't feel I should have to leave my own house like that every time he comes over.
I am real tired of arguing about this,so I am not going to anymore.I wish my husband would work with me on this,but that's not going to happen.
How have you handled situations like this?
-- Edited by TessaB on Thursday 8th of December 2016 11:17:35 PM
Maresie25 said
Dec 9, 2016
First of all detachme t is not about burying your head in the sand. Detachment is part of being active about being in the midst of insanity. It is an active state rather than a passive one. It is the decision not to get pulled into the destructive impulses associated with alcoholism. Detachment gives you the mental space to put in place other skills, self care, creatovity, limit setting self compassion.
I have been immersed in dealing with an alcoholic O I work with in the last few months. It has taken trend dogs perseverance not to fall into the put with him. He creates chaos every day all day that is all he knows. He goes out of his way to be provocative.
Avoiding him had indeed been an art. Not giving into his plots to suck me into his world has been tremendously difficult.
Of course everyone else is. In fact his manager recently hi it fired and I don't doubt the #A# had a lot to do with it.
It takes tremendous effort to keep up boundaries around an alcoholic in full whirlwind. Detaching is but one of the battery of skills needed to resist being sunk by their self destruction.
Limits are good, limits are necessary. But we have to find ways to have them. Of course I resent being stuck with an alcoholic at work. The good news is I have found ways to move around them, not to be submerged by them. Some of that is that I have a certain amount of self preservation these days. Another is the ability to detach.
el-cee said
Dec 9, 2016
Can I ask, do you attend Alanon meetings? Im just thinking if youve came here, read about detachment and tried it without the rest of the program then I can see how you feel the way you do. Detaching is just one tool in a whole set and for one to work you need to be using the full set of tools and if you just pick up one without the understanding then you will end up frustrated.
To me this is about boundaries and learning the reasons you allow your husband to have the final say in something that is clearly unacceptable to you. You dont want your son coming to your home in this state and of course, its unacceptable and disrespectful and completely reasonable for you to have this boundary and allowing it is enabling the disease to get worse. You cant make your husband see what you see but you can claim rights back as you have them too within your relationship and your home. I highly recommend Alanon meetings and reading the literature, getting a sponsor. Best of luck.
TessaB said
Dec 9, 2016
I am not new to Alanon,just new to this site.
I know ignoring is not detaching but I didn't know what else to do. My son was nodding off,passing out,and my husband kept making excuses for him and I got so tired of arguing about it.I did not want him here and he told him he could be here,could even live here.I t doesn't matter what I say or how I feel,he goes against what I want.I guess I allow him to have the final say because I don't know how to not let him.I have threatened to leave,threatened many things through the years but I have never followed through with anything I say.I am sure to him I am just a big bag of wind that's going to bitch at him but never really do anything.
It's my own fault.
-- Edited by TessaB on Friday 9th of December 2016 09:50:22 AM
deacon said
Dec 9, 2016
Tessa, stop beating yourself up. You know it is not your fault, that you allowed both your husband's and your son's poor behavior out of love. My husband and I stood together when we asked our son to leave our house so I can only imagine the pain that you are going through with your husband's denial.
Right now, I think you need support for yourself. You cannot change either your husband or your son but you need to talk to people who understand both the addiction and the enabling. You will find wonderful support here but maybe going to a meeting would help. Just being in a room with people who really 'get' what you are going through would ease your pain.
Maresie25 said
Dec 9, 2016
Stop beating yourself up. Being up against an alcoholic addict is tremendous work. Setting a boundary around some of them is like trying to invent the wheel.
Be kind to yourself rather than billy your Self too.
I can appreciate your exasperation, rage and powerlessness. You don't have to threaten, pleas or do more
Being around an alcoholic is all about doing more. They are so expert at manipulation.
You can learn skills to get through this. Expecting yourself to be good at that overn8ght is not realistic. Take time to be nice to yourself. Take time rese . Look at your options. Many of us detach in terrible situations it is messy at first. There is a certain pride as we get better at it.
TessaB said
Dec 9, 2016
You guys are right,I need to stop beating myself up.I just feel so defeated right now.
I...am just so tired of this.
Iamhere said
Dec 9, 2016
(((Tessa))) - I can relate to your scenario and am sorry for the disconnect. My experience is similar and leaning into my program was truly my only answer. I have an AH that I met and married in AA. I have stayed sober he has not. We have two sons who are both my qualifiers as well. I've watch one, two or all three of them nodding off, and doing all kinds on insanity that this disease brings. It was at times way more than I could tolerate, accept or even remotely attempt to detach from - or so I thought.
I literally stepped over, around and through the insanity and aligned every waking moment of my life with Al-Anon. I did do some ignoring in the beginning as I did not want to engage in the chaos/drama any longer. It did get worse before it got better. As I got more sanity restored, I was able to clearly establish boundaries that all agreed upon and then enforce those boundaries.
The issues did not unfold overnight, nor did the solutions. It's a process, a long, slow process and many, many times ---- I just wanted to run away from home!!! So - I do hear you and I fully understand. I could list hundreds, maybe thousands of things that were happening that were beyond insane...but - I did have to save myself spiritually. I had to ignore at times until I learned to detach and create healthy boundaries. I truly had to 'see', 'feel' and 'accept' that I was well beyond powerless - I was out-numbered and out-skilled ... so I felt.
Recovery gave back my sanity first and then my power. The only thing that worked for me/my situation was recovery. Please keep coming back and when your mind is churning, do anything you can to bring yourself to the present - I am safe, I am warm, I have food - basic gratitude lists helped me tons when I was loosing my mind to the craziness around me. (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
TessaB said
Dec 9, 2016
Thank you iamhere,that helped.
pinkchip said
Dec 9, 2016
I cant tell you what is right. It does sound complicated and your husband sounds like a giant enabler. Were it me in your situation, I would feel about ready to burst from that stress and I might curse them both out and then go have a spa day...or several though I know that isn't the greatest "program" behavior either...Regardless, we are here for you!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 9th of December 2016 11:21:43 PM
maryjane said
Dec 10, 2016
Do you have a place in your house that you can go to? Someplace that has a lock or is secure to be not intruded upon? Make yourself a lounge with a TV and a hot pot and refrigerator and a comfy chair and a pile of books and computer. Make this all in your house so you have a place to call your own. It would kill me to have to sit in the same place as a passed out druggie. Tell the hubby that this is the price. If he wants to make excuses, you have to think about yourself.
Take care of yourself.
TessaB said
Jan 8, 2017
I am finally back again.I decided to start coming here again rather than sitting around all day,depressed and angry.
This may be long,and I apologize in advance...
Things have gotten so much worse since I joined here and I really am at my wits end.If I had some place to 'run away' to,I believe I would go in a heart beat.
My 2 adult sons are addicts.They are ADULTS,but if you heard the way my husband talks to them,sees the way he treats them,you would be thinking they were 4 and 5 years old.Seriously.Anything and everything they do is fine by him,and he will stick up for them to anyone that ever tries to say one thing to them,or about them,including me.
He makes excuses for them,which has kept us arguing since I was last here.They are never high,nodding off or passing out,they are always "tired and need naps".One of our sons asked "did I say or do anything embarrassing on Christmas?I was so wasted" and my husband said "yeah,you were pretty tired and needed a nap".My son laughed at him and said "yeah dad,I was tired".
I have tried talking to my husband about why he does that,why he makes excuses for them,why he always says they are tired and he just says "I don't know".I can't accept that excuse,which causes us to argue even more.I have asked him to go to meetings with me,he says no.I have asked him to see a therapist alone or together,he says no.I have told him we really need to start working together when it comes to the kids,that it is tearing our marriage apart.
We are not on the same page at all.I see allowing them to stay at our house rent free,with no responsibilities,as enabling.I feel we are supporting them completely while all they have to do is worry about getting high.I worry so much about one of them dying from an overdose,and I especially worry about them dying in my home.To me,by knowing they are using and allowing them to be here while they are is in a sense helping them die.My husband wants them here because he thinks he can keep them from dying,he thinks he can prevent it,if he always see them he can call an ambulance if needed(which completely contradicts him always saying they are 'tired')
But,recently,one of them was here and I was extrenely concerned,my husband said "I have seen him worse", but that just simply wasn't true and he ended up going to the hospital,needing Narcan.If it had been left up to my husband,he would have died.
I tried to talk to him afterwards,explaining that his reason for wanting them here,to keep them alive,is going to end up killing them.
I just don't know what to do.I cannot go on like this anymore.I want to leave,but tbh,after what happened with my son,I am afraid to.My god,what would have happened if I hadn't been here.
My husband does not want to try to work together,he doesn't want to seek help.
Why am I even here at all?
Jerry F said
Jan 8, 2017
For your peace of mind and sanity and your safety...a trial separation might work wonders. I did it and it worked as long as I was willing to work it and then it didn't cause I went back to enabling. Give it a thought...might wake up your husband/partner. ((((hugs))))
Maresie25 said
Jan 8, 2017
I think you.are in a double bin . One of the ways out is to label it.as double bind
It isextremely.common.for alcoholucs/addicts to have a big share of consternation and chaos around them
Setting limits is extremely.difficult
You have got to stop beating yourself to.a pulp. This 8s the time above all to be.kind to yourself. Being around an alcoholic infuriating and really difficult. You are.not a saint. No one finds a perfect way.to do this
Furthermore while your husband may.ve in denial, I.am absolutely of the.mindz the alcoholic whoever he 8s are responsible for their life. No one else is. No one.
Maresie45
Iamhere said
Jan 8, 2017
Hey TessaB - I can relate to all that you shared - including 2 adult sons. Much of our insanity was caused by the disconnect between my AH and myself with regards to the boys. It is maddening - no doubt about it. I finally had to seek recovery for me, get reasonably sane and then set boundaries - and flat out said that if he did not support what I could/could not live with in my home, I was leaving. He never supported me straight up but he did stop supporting them, therefore they boys took his silence as concurrence and I was just grateful to not have to battle them and him.
I was inconsistent in my boundaries and consequences and reactions before I got settled into recovery and worked on me first. It was so, so worth it. I stopped making idle threats and just stood by my boundaries - it's far from perfect here, but it's certainly progress.
(((Hugs))) - I hear you and do understand...
el-cee said
Jan 9, 2017
Hi Tessa, Im sorry its gotten worse. In my experience it will continue to get worse until something changes. Alanon meetings will help you begin to see everything more clearly. Your husbands denial is a major problem because you do seem to have the awareness of the dangers of enabling. The way I see it is, each person in your household are adults making their own choices. Its your home and you have a right to a peaceful home. You are a human being with rights and needs that are not beneath your husbands or these two sons who are abusing your home. This is unacceptable behaviour. We arent supposed to suggest anyone leaves but I would be out of there sharpish unless my husband came to Alanon with me and these grown men were kicked out pronto. Your entitled to a good life, youve only got one go at it. This scenario could go on forever until the stress takes its toll on your health. Get support at Alanon and you will know what to do that's right for you. In the meantime can you go somewhere for a rest, away from this dysfunction?
I posted before about my son obviously being high when he would stop by my house,and how I felt the need to call him out on it,to know the truth.After that,I did my best to just mind my own business,not accuse him of being high,not ask if he was,I basically just ignored it.
Things really got worse though.It seemed like the more I minded my own business,the higher he got.Within the past week or so since I last posted he would come over so high he could barely walk or talk.He would sit on the couch and fall asleep for hours,wake up,leave for awhile,come back over,and the same thing would happen.
He went to jail yesterday,apparently there was a warrant he was unaware of.I have to admit that I am relieved,I know where he is,I know he is safe.But he most likely won't be in there very long.
Enough is enough!I can't do this anymore.I can't mind my own business,stay in my own hula hoop or anything else I have read about.I can't just ignore,detach or anything else.It feels more like sticking my head in the sand.I don't want him coming over anymore while high.It's too much to deal with.But I don't know how to handle this situation,especially considering the fact that my husband is in such denial he makes excuses for our son,says he's 'tired' and is taking 'naps'.He would never stand by my decision to not allow him here if he's been using.
So I am trying to think of what I can do to change this situation.But all I can come up with is to leave the house if my husband is going to allow him here.But I don't feel I should have to leave my own house like that every time he comes over.
I am real tired of arguing about this,so I am not going to anymore.I wish my husband would work with me on this,but that's not going to happen.
How have you handled situations like this?
-- Edited by TessaB on Thursday 8th of December 2016 11:17:35 PM
Can I ask, do you attend Alanon meetings? Im just thinking if youve came here, read about detachment and tried it without the rest of the program then I can see how you feel the way you do. Detaching is just one tool in a whole set and for one to work you need to be using the full set of tools and if you just pick up one without the understanding then you will end up frustrated.
To me this is about boundaries and learning the reasons you allow your husband to have the final say in something that is clearly unacceptable to you. You dont want your son coming to your home in this state and of course, its unacceptable and disrespectful and completely reasonable for you to have this boundary and allowing it is enabling the disease to get worse. You cant make your husband see what you see but you can claim rights back as you have them too within your relationship and your home. I highly recommend Alanon meetings and reading the literature, getting a sponsor. Best of luck.
I am not new to Alanon,just new to this site.
I know ignoring is not detaching but I didn't know what else to do. My son was nodding off,passing out,and my husband kept making excuses for him and I got so tired of arguing about it.I did not want him here and he told him he could be here,could even live here.I t doesn't matter what I say or how I feel,he goes against what I want.I guess I allow him to have the final say because I don't know how to not let him.I have threatened to leave,threatened many things through the years but I have never followed through with anything I say.I am sure to him I am just a big bag of wind that's going to bitch at him but never really do anything.
It's my own fault.
-- Edited by TessaB on Friday 9th of December 2016 09:50:22 AM
Right now, I think you need support for yourself. You cannot change either your husband or your son but you need to talk to people who understand both the addiction and the enabling. You will find wonderful support here but maybe going to a meeting would help. Just being in a room with people who really 'get' what you are going through would ease your pain.
I...am just so tired of this.
I literally stepped over, around and through the insanity and aligned every waking moment of my life with Al-Anon. I did do some ignoring in the beginning as I did not want to engage in the chaos/drama any longer. It did get worse before it got better. As I got more sanity restored, I was able to clearly establish boundaries that all agreed upon and then enforce those boundaries.
The issues did not unfold overnight, nor did the solutions. It's a process, a long, slow process and many, many times ---- I just wanted to run away from home!!! So - I do hear you and I fully understand. I could list hundreds, maybe thousands of things that were happening that were beyond insane...but - I did have to save myself spiritually. I had to ignore at times until I learned to detach and create healthy boundaries. I truly had to 'see', 'feel' and 'accept' that I was well beyond powerless - I was out-numbered and out-skilled ... so I felt.
Recovery gave back my sanity first and then my power. The only thing that worked for me/my situation was recovery. Please keep coming back and when your mind is churning, do anything you can to bring yourself to the present - I am safe, I am warm, I have food - basic gratitude lists helped me tons when I was loosing my mind to the craziness around me. (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
I cant tell you what is right. It does sound complicated and your husband sounds like a giant enabler. Were it me in your situation, I would feel about ready to burst from that stress and I might curse them both out and then go have a spa day...or several though I know that isn't the greatest "program" behavior either...Regardless, we are here for you!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 9th of December 2016 11:21:43 PM
Take care of yourself.
I am finally back again.I decided to start coming here again rather than sitting around all day,depressed and angry.
This may be long,and I apologize in advance...
Things have gotten so much worse since I joined here and I really am at my wits end.If I had some place to 'run away' to,I believe I would go in a heart beat.
My 2 adult sons are addicts.They are ADULTS,but if you heard the way my husband talks to them,sees the way he treats them,you would be thinking they were 4 and 5 years old.Seriously.Anything and everything they do is fine by him,and he will stick up for them to anyone that ever tries to say one thing to them,or about them,including me.
He makes excuses for them,which has kept us arguing since I was last here.They are never high,nodding off or passing out,they are always "tired and need naps".One of our sons asked "did I say or do anything embarrassing on Christmas?I was so wasted" and my husband said "yeah,you were pretty tired and needed a nap".My son laughed at him and said "yeah dad,I was tired".
I have tried talking to my husband about why he does that,why he makes excuses for them,why he always says they are tired and he just says "I don't know".I can't accept that excuse,which causes us to argue even more.I have asked him to go to meetings with me,he says no.I have asked him to see a therapist alone or together,he says no.I have told him we really need to start working together when it comes to the kids,that it is tearing our marriage apart.
We are not on the same page at all.I see allowing them to stay at our house rent free,with no responsibilities,as enabling.I feel we are supporting them completely while all they have to do is worry about getting high.I worry so much about one of them dying from an overdose,and I especially worry about them dying in my home.To me,by knowing they are using and allowing them to be here while they are is in a sense helping them die.My husband wants them here because he thinks he can keep them from dying,he thinks he can prevent it,if he always see them he can call an ambulance if needed(which completely contradicts him always saying they are 'tired')
But,recently,one of them was here and I was extrenely concerned,my husband said "I have seen him worse", but that just simply wasn't true and he ended up going to the hospital,needing Narcan.If it had been left up to my husband,he would have died.
I tried to talk to him afterwards,explaining that his reason for wanting them here,to keep them alive,is going to end up killing them.
I just don't know what to do.I cannot go on like this anymore.I want to leave,but tbh,after what happened with my son,I am afraid to.My god,what would have happened if I hadn't been here.
My husband does not want to try to work together,he doesn't want to seek help.
Why am I even here at all?
For your peace of mind and sanity and your safety...a trial separation might work wonders. I did it and it worked as long as I was willing to work it and then it didn't cause I went back to enabling. Give it a thought...might wake up your husband/partner. ((((hugs))))
I think you.are in a double bin . One of the ways out is to label it.as double bind
It isextremely.common.for alcoholucs/addicts to have a big share of consternation and chaos around them
Setting limits is extremely.difficult
You have got to stop beating yourself to.a pulp. This 8s the time above all to be.kind to yourself. Being around an alcoholic infuriating and really difficult. You are.not a saint. No one finds a perfect way.to do this
Furthermore while your husband may.ve in denial, I.am absolutely of the.mindz the alcoholic whoever he 8s are responsible for their life. No one else is. No one.
Maresie45
I was inconsistent in my boundaries and consequences and reactions before I got settled into recovery and worked on me first. It was so, so worth it. I stopped making idle threats and just stood by my boundaries - it's far from perfect here, but it's certainly progress.
(((Hugs))) - I hear you and do understand...
Hi Tessa, Im sorry its gotten worse. In my experience it will continue to get worse until something changes. Alanon meetings will help you begin to see everything more clearly. Your husbands denial is a major problem because you do seem to have the awareness of the dangers of enabling. The way I see it is, each person in your household are adults making their own choices. Its your home and you have a right to a peaceful home. You are a human being with rights and needs that are not beneath your husbands or these two sons who are abusing your home. This is unacceptable behaviour. We arent supposed to suggest anyone leaves but I would be out of there sharpish unless my husband came to Alanon with me and these grown men were kicked out pronto. Your entitled to a good life, youve only got one go at it. This scenario could go on forever until the stress takes its toll on your health. Get support at Alanon and you will know what to do that's right for you. In the meantime can you go somewhere for a rest, away from this dysfunction?