So I've gone through the wringer with my husband the last 2 years. There have been multiple emergency hospitalizations and detoxes, the last being in the middle of October. His last relapse was a two-day bender last Thursday and Friday. He hasn't worked for more than a few weeks in the last 2 years and he says he'll do therapy, but hasn't made an appointment with a therapist since leaving detox.
Lately I've noticed that my resentment has increased to the point where I don't enjoy being at home. I'm constantly suspicious of him drinking and worried that we'll never get our heads above water financially (and we have a baby on the way - I'm 6 months pregnant). I think I still love him because it still pains me to death to think of getting divorced, but lately I've felt like he's a freeloading roommate and not a partner.
I'm trying to figure out how to detach, but honestly it's so hard to think about doing when our lives are so intertwined. We live in a small city apartment and there really isn't spaces we call our own. I'm responsible for paying the bills, rent, food, etc. since he isn't contributing at all financially. Meanwhile he hangs out at home everyday and sends out a resume "if he has time" or if it's a good day in terms of posts on Craigslist. I'm going to face-to-face meetings once a week, which helps some and I do the Courage to Change daily reader, but my resentment, anger and sadness continues to grow.
I'm hoping to hear from folks what are the steps that you go through when you come home to a LO drinking or when there's a week long binge happening? How do you detach? What boundaries do you have?
SerenityRUS said
Dec 8, 2016
Not having space is a big issue in terms of not engaging .. At least in my experience. I think the bigger question is what do you want? Having a sponsor and working the steps is a big part of self care. I would encourage you to continue your meetings, get a sponsor, work your steps. Take care of you! That's what worked for me .. When my x was drinking he needed to go elsewhere. I wasn't having his behavior around the kids while he was intoxicated. That took me a long time to get there and he got a DUI in the process. Hugs .. S ;)
Iamhere said
Dec 9, 2016
In my case, as I focused on me, I had to manage as best I could these events/distractions. It was hard, and my habits/patterns of before truly wanted to surface and react every time. I actually did all that I could to keep the focus on me and here's a basic list of how I created distance (I did have much more room than you....)
- I put locks on the bedroom door, and made it perfectly clear that I was entitled to adequate alone time, sleep and rest.
- I made alternate plans by confiding in trusted friends who gave me a key to their home should I need to take a break from my home.
- I started a cash stash in case I had to protect myself and go/do something else.
- I joined a gym open 24x7x365 and would go do something, anything when it was unbearable/unstable at my home.
- I went to daily meetings and got a sponsor to help me stay focused on solutions vs. issues.
I have walked around, stepped over and left through back doors to avoid active disease in my home. It's not always easy, convenient or pretty but I was willing to do whatever I had to to avoid conflict, reacting and engaging in the insanity.
(((Hugs))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
MissM said
Dec 9, 2016
I've lived in a small space with a "freeloading room-mate" who was once a partner and it's hard. I remember the resentment was just eating me alive tbh. At the time I spent less and less time at home and then I arrived at a point where I simply expressed to him that i was not willing to support both of us while he lay on the couch any longer and that I planed to move to a new small place by myself and he would need to make appropriate arrangements. He responded by getting a job; we moved to a larger place and there I took over a bedroom and my own living space and things were more bearable. Not to say that "formula" would work in anyone else's situation, only that when i arrived at the decision that I simply wasn't willing to carry another adult any longer and meant what I said, changes happened and it became more bearable.
I found the more I asserted my willingness to do only my far share and not carry him through life, the less I resented him and the less his choices affected me; for example a few years down the track he became unemployed again but by then we both knew that I would not carry him through prolonged laziness under any circumstances and so he made whatever arrangements he could to feed himself and find money to cover his share of the costs and i found it didn't upset me that he didn't do anything productive because I didn't resent the fact that i was doing way more than I should. The key point being that I chose to not do things that i didn't want to do...it didn't require him to do anything, it just was my truth and I insisted upon it.
Meetings and working the al-anon steps helped me discover my boundaries and understand detachment. I'm not sure if you are working a program? It helps.
Jazzie18 said
Dec 9, 2016
I had a really hard time detaching when my A was actively drinking. I could understand it was a disease but the lying and sneaking around drinking drove me batty. I asked him a few times to leave the house because that was a boundary that I had if he was going to drink. I am so sorry you are dealing with this while pregnant. As others have said, going to meetings and finding a sponsor would be a great next step. You mentioned going to one meeting a week, maybe you want to look into going to more if you can. If you are already paying the bills you could always ask him to leave if you can't deal with it anymore. You main focus should be on you and your growing baby. Wishing you all the best.
Jayla said
Dec 10, 2016
What do we do when we find ourselves unable to enforce a boundary we have set? My AH is acting in a way that I am not ok with and that I swore I'd never accept. I would like to kick him out but I literally cannot support my three kids on my own and pay all the bills that we have together. So I feel trapped due to finances and every day knowing that I am living with something I swore I'd never live with is eroding my happiness and contentment.
Jayla said
Dec 10, 2016
What do we do when we find ourselves unable to enforce a boundary we have set? My AH is acting in a way that I am not ok with and that I swore I'd never accept. I would like to kick him out but I literally cannot support my three kids on my own and pay all the bills that we have together. So I feel trapped due to finances and every day knowing that I am living with something I swore I'd never live with is eroding my happiness and contentment.
Iamhere said
Dec 10, 2016
Jayla - the spot you describe is the exact bottom that convinced me I needed Al-Anon....meetings, steps, sponsor and practicing one moment at a time, I was able to change me enough to make choices for my sanity. When we are living with active disease, and are not in recovery, we truly feel hopeless and helpless. I was given hope and help to get through it in the program.
Detaching and having boundaries are for our betterment, sanity and peace. Keep coming back!
lookingup said
Dec 11, 2016
Welcome sdb,to the mip board,lots of great esh here been giving,I haven't much to add ,I'm working the steps and using the tools of my program ,and I know that it works ,I'm working it today because I'm worth it........hugs lu.....your not alone .....keep coming back..
So I've gone through the wringer with my husband the last 2 years. There have been multiple emergency hospitalizations and detoxes, the last being in the middle of October. His last relapse was a two-day bender last Thursday and Friday. He hasn't worked for more than a few weeks in the last 2 years and he says he'll do therapy, but hasn't made an appointment with a therapist since leaving detox.
Lately I've noticed that my resentment has increased to the point where I don't enjoy being at home. I'm constantly suspicious of him drinking and worried that we'll never get our heads above water financially (and we have a baby on the way - I'm 6 months pregnant). I think I still love him because it still pains me to death to think of getting divorced, but lately I've felt like he's a freeloading roommate and not a partner.
I'm trying to figure out how to detach, but honestly it's so hard to think about doing when our lives are so intertwined. We live in a small city apartment and there really isn't spaces we call our own. I'm responsible for paying the bills, rent, food, etc. since he isn't contributing at all financially. Meanwhile he hangs out at home everyday and sends out a resume "if he has time" or if it's a good day in terms of posts on Craigslist. I'm going to face-to-face meetings once a week, which helps some and I do the Courage to Change daily reader, but my resentment, anger and sadness continues to grow.
I'm hoping to hear from folks what are the steps that you go through when you come home to a LO drinking or when there's a week long binge happening? How do you detach? What boundaries do you have?
- I put locks on the bedroom door, and made it perfectly clear that I was entitled to adequate alone time, sleep and rest.
- I made alternate plans by confiding in trusted friends who gave me a key to their home should I need to take a break from my home.
- I started a cash stash in case I had to protect myself and go/do something else.
- I joined a gym open 24x7x365 and would go do something, anything when it was unbearable/unstable at my home.
- I went to daily meetings and got a sponsor to help me stay focused on solutions vs. issues.
I have walked around, stepped over and left through back doors to avoid active disease in my home. It's not always easy, convenient or pretty but I was willing to do whatever I had to to avoid conflict, reacting and engaging in the insanity.
(((Hugs))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
I found the more I asserted my willingness to do only my far share and not carry him through life, the less I resented him and the less his choices affected me; for example a few years down the track he became unemployed again but by then we both knew that I would not carry him through prolonged laziness under any circumstances and so he made whatever arrangements he could to feed himself and find money to cover his share of the costs and i found it didn't upset me that he didn't do anything productive because I didn't resent the fact that i was doing way more than I should. The key point being that I chose to not do things that i didn't want to do...it didn't require him to do anything, it just was my truth and I insisted upon it.
Meetings and working the al-anon steps helped me discover my boundaries and understand detachment. I'm not sure if you are working a program? It helps.
Detaching and having boundaries are for our betterment, sanity and peace. Keep coming back!