So I am a spouse of an alcoholic who in July spent 10 days in the ICU with an esophageal varices and found out he also has cirrhosis of the liver. He almost died! He spent 5 days in rehab then left remained sober for about 6 weeks. Unfortunately one of his doctors told him he was looking great "like nothing had ever happened" that is when he started drinking again. He is a vodka drinker and he drinks at home, sneaks and lies to me daily. Broken promises too many to count. I am torn because no one else knows he started drinking again. His 3 minor children are 8, 15, and 17 and oblivious for the most part. He has no friends and his parents and siblings live in a different country and only visit a hand full of times a year. I don't want to enable him by keeping his secrets and clearly my cries and pleads to him for the last three months has done nothing except push him to find a new and improved hiding spot. I wasn't to notify his family and his children's mothers. I do not want to be held responsible for his death and I feel he has made a choice to drink. The love of his wife, children and the wonderful life he has is not enough to stop him. But I also feel that If I just sit by he will hurt someone besides himself. I know he has chosen to drink which means death in his case but that doesn't mean everyone else has to die along with him. Either way its a lose lose! If I tell the family he will hate and if I don't I will hate my self. I cant save and maybe I am desperate that If everyone knows that losing his kids will stop him. The doctors told him if you drink you will DIE! Not if but WHEN! I fear I am the only one who will be hurt if I notify the family. I fear he will hate me if I let his secret out. But I also know if I continue on this way we wont have a relationship either by death separation or by me just leaving because I have to disconnect myself for some sense of self preservation I wont ever ever feel the same again. Its like you get hurt and disappointed so many times at some point you just stop hurting. We have no children together, we have been together for 6 years but were just married in May 2016. Not sure if I have a future with this man and I'm struggling with saving him or saving myself.
hotrod said
Dec 7, 2016
Hello Meg You are not alone.Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. Living with this disease causes many of us to develop negative coping skills which hurt our serenity and way of life. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members and holds face-to-face meetings in most communities.The hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you to seek them out and attend. It was here that I learned new constructive tools to live by, broke the terrible isolation of living with the disease and found a supportive network of people to practice with.
There is hope . Keep coming back
Aerin said
Dec 7, 2016
I definitely understand the disappointment gets to a point you almost stop caring. He is in such bad shape (my grandmother DID die of cirrhosis at 55!) that an intervention with his family may be something you could look into. Even if he is mad at you, you have told the family and they have an option on trying to help in some way
maryjane said
Dec 7, 2016
Hi Meg,
Alcoholism is a disease of secrets. The alcoholic has secrets and demands that we keep them when we find out about them. My hubby kept his secret too and I didn't say anything to anyone, not my family, not his family..... until his DUI. Then I called his brother (who was in AA) and he was surprised. He had never seen it in his brother.
You don't have to keep his secrets. Not if there is something to be gained by telling them. But you don't want to make a big drama about telling everyone the secrets either. Don't make it into gossip. If something happens and people ask questions (eg, Christmas goes badly) then just casually mention it was the booze and an alcoholic involved. If people start asking lots of questions, then just tell them to ask him, the alcoholic. You can't answer questions that aren't about you.
Actually, you need to just live your life and make yourself happy. If things happen and you decide to leave him, then you can say that alcohol was a big factor in your decision. Or if he is hospitalized again you can tell the truth about why.
Take care of yourself. You are the only one who can.
Enigmatic said
Dec 7, 2016
I feel for you, Meg; I, too felt incredible pain, confusion and anger over the drinking of a loved one. I tried unsuccessfully to tackle it with reason and logic before I found answers and peace with the guidance of AlAnon. I highly recommend you try to seek out some meetings and see what you think.
Hang in there, there is a way back to sanity and peace
Jerry F said
Dec 7, 2016
Aloha Megan and welcome to the family and the MIP board. We are glad you are here. What you have gone thru and are going thru is real. Being a victim of tis disease is total insanity as it is so very cunning, powerful and baffling. Your husband isn't a sane man he is a man under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical who has a compulsion of the mind to drink and an allergy of the body that is being poisoned and heading for a fatality.
The Chinese have a moral about alcohol that I learned years ago which was true as I watched the disease work its way into my own life, "First the man take a drink; then the drink takes a drink; then the drink takes the man". Watching that play out in my own life was stunning as the alcohol control the drinking even when we all thought we had the power to make the sane decisions. No one did...alcohol did. I went to college on the disease which helped me a ton in my own life and the life of my alcoholic/addict wife.
I am so grateful for learning the Al-Anon principle of powerlessness and the other important principles I live my life by today. I don't have an active alcoholic in my life today while I also live with the alert your husband was given by the doctors. "The next time I drink I die".
I will pray for your husband as another recovering alcoholic and also for you as a recovering family member of this disease.
Find the face to face meetings of our program in the white pages of your local telephone book and come see and hear what it is that serenity is all about. Don't go because of him...come because of you and also come back here to learn more and then more. Others might want what you get. ((((hugs))))
Tossed Salad said
Dec 7, 2016
Through my experience I have learned that alcoholics do not take accountability for their actions. They blame the people around them for everything. My XAH blames me no matter what action or non-action I take. I have chosen to keep the focus on myself and to make my decisions based on what I think is the best choice at the time. I do not worry about what he will think or feel because the alcoholic brain is irrational. He will blame me no matter what choice I make. I use the Alanon program to guide me to clear thinking and put him in the care of a HP. Stay true to yourself and do what is best for you!
Iamhere said
Dec 8, 2016
Welcome MegV to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. This disease is progressive and can be fatal. I did learn in Al-Anon that I am powerless over the disease, the diseased and so many other things....I also learned that I had distorted reality and views because of living with this disease. Recovery for me restored me to sanity enough that I know now there is nothing I can do to change, influence, fix, etc. another. I don't have to like everything or anything going on around me, but being able to accept it and see if I have a part has helped me carve out a life of my own and peace of mind.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
So I am a spouse of an alcoholic who in July spent 10 days in the ICU with an esophageal varices and found out he also has cirrhosis of the liver. He almost died! He spent 5 days in rehab then left remained sober for about 6 weeks. Unfortunately one of his doctors told him he was looking great "like nothing had ever happened" that is when he started drinking again. He is a vodka drinker and he drinks at home, sneaks and lies to me daily. Broken promises too many to count. I am torn because no one else knows he started drinking again. His 3 minor children are 8, 15, and 17 and oblivious for the most part. He has no friends and his parents and siblings live in a different country and only visit a hand full of times a year. I don't want to enable him by keeping his secrets and clearly my cries and pleads to him for the last three months has done nothing except push him to find a new and improved hiding spot. I wasn't to notify his family and his children's mothers. I do not want to be held responsible for his death and I feel he has made a choice to drink. The love of his wife, children and the wonderful life he has is not enough to stop him. But I also feel that If I just sit by he will hurt someone besides himself. I know he has chosen to drink which means death in his case but that doesn't mean everyone else has to die along with him. Either way its a lose lose! If I tell the family he will hate and if I don't I will hate my self. I cant save and maybe I am desperate that If everyone knows that losing his kids will stop him. The doctors told him if you drink you will DIE! Not if but WHEN! I fear I am the only one who will be hurt if I notify the family. I fear he will hate me if I let his secret out. But I also know if I continue on this way we wont have a relationship either by death separation or by me just leaving because I have to disconnect myself for some sense of self preservation I wont ever ever feel the same again. Its like you get hurt and disappointed so many times at some point you just stop hurting. We have no children together, we have been together for 6 years but were just married in May 2016. Not sure if I have a future with this man and I'm struggling with saving him or saving myself.
Hello Meg You are not alone.Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. Living with this disease causes many of us to develop negative coping skills which hurt our serenity and way of life. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members and holds face-to-face meetings in most communities.The hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you to seek them out and attend. It was here that I learned new constructive tools to live by, broke the terrible isolation of living with the disease and found a supportive network of people to practice with.
There is hope . Keep coming back
I definitely understand the disappointment gets to a point you almost stop caring. He is in such bad shape (my grandmother DID die of cirrhosis at 55!) that an intervention with his family may be something you could look into. Even if he is mad at you, you have told the family and they have an option on trying to help in some way
Alcoholism is a disease of secrets. The alcoholic has secrets and demands that we keep them when we find out about them. My hubby kept his secret too and I didn't say anything to anyone, not my family, not his family..... until his DUI. Then I called his brother (who was in AA) and he was surprised. He had never seen it in his brother.
You don't have to keep his secrets. Not if there is something to be gained by telling them. But you don't want to make a big drama about telling everyone the secrets either. Don't make it into gossip. If something happens and people ask questions (eg, Christmas goes badly) then just casually mention it was the booze and an alcoholic involved. If people start asking lots of questions, then just tell them to ask him, the alcoholic. You can't answer questions that aren't about you.
Actually, you need to just live your life and make yourself happy. If things happen and you decide to leave him, then you can say that alcohol was a big factor in your decision. Or if he is hospitalized again you can tell the truth about why.
Take care of yourself. You are the only one who can.
Hang in there, there is a way back to sanity and peace
Aloha Megan and welcome to the family and the MIP board. We are glad you are here. What you have gone thru and are going thru is real. Being a victim of tis disease is total insanity as it is so very cunning, powerful and baffling. Your husband isn't a sane man he is a man under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical who has a compulsion of the mind to drink and an allergy of the body that is being poisoned and heading for a fatality.
The Chinese have a moral about alcohol that I learned years ago which was true as I watched the disease work its way into my own life, "First the man take a drink; then the drink takes a drink; then the drink takes the man". Watching that play out in my own life was stunning as the alcohol control the drinking even when we all thought we had the power to make the sane decisions. No one did...alcohol did. I went to college on the disease which helped me a ton in my own life and the life of my alcoholic/addict wife.
I am so grateful for learning the Al-Anon principle of powerlessness and the other important principles I live my life by today. I don't have an active alcoholic in my life today while I also live with the alert your husband was given by the doctors. "The next time I drink I die".
I will pray for your husband as another recovering alcoholic and also for you as a recovering family member of this disease.
Find the face to face meetings of our program in the white pages of your local telephone book and come see and hear what it is that serenity is all about. Don't go because of him...come because of you and also come back here to learn more and then more. Others might want what you get. ((((hugs))))
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!