I made some big steps in detachment lately. My AS and drug user kept asking me to borrow my car and my daughters car. I was really uncomfortable with it because he is on record as a drug addict and is on probation. How he has a valid license is beyond me but he did show me the paperwork reinstating him when he made a brief effort at sobriety in order to get back in my home. When my 17 year old daughter confessed to smoking weed, I took her driving privileges away until she could test clean. So my son thought that he could then use her car. I had to reinforce my boundaries in a nice calm way that marijuana was still illegal in NJ and I am not comfortable with him driving a vehicle registered and insured by me while he was going to use "just weed". He asked why he was being punished and I said its really not a punishment as I cannot tell him how to live his life, but I can say I am not ok with certain things and make boundaries to protect myself. Yay for me!
The other thing that really gets on my nerves is that I have become responsible for every single thing is the house. Every piece of mail, bill, court notice, notes to add something to the grocery list, everything comes across my desk to the point I cant do my work! It was very irritating because why on earth should I remind my adult son that his payment for his fines are due, he has court on this date? Why do I have to remind to the point I become nasty that my RAH has to fill out and return this piece of paper, his motorcycle and insurance payment were due 10 days ago? Then they get pissed at me because they are getting nastygrams and late notices, telephone calls, etc. So I made a grand central station. Each one in my house gets a calendar and a plastic bin that I attached to the wall in the mud room. Mail goes in the bin, they mark when they are supposed to be where, what's due, etc. The grocery list is now attached to the refrigerator. I am no longer going around to take notes to see who needs what. I am not digging through the pile of mail and what not to find scraps of paper and try to decipher what was written. It was such relief, here I was functioning way above my pay grade for all these years! Another yay
Yesterday was an IT nightmare for me work wise. After multiple phone calls to the IT center for my company I had to drive my laptop in and have some new drives put on. 2 hours in heavy traffic. Knowing I would not make my usual face to face meeting I decided not to skip it and go to the one near where the IT center was located. OMG! I guess I went on the wrong day. Only I would go to a face to face meeting where these newcomers decided to share how they thought Ala-non was a cult and that our fellowship was prejudiced and judgmental. The chair did not know what to do and just sat there and let it go on and on. Finally regulars started just getting up and leaving. I was going to leave as well and then I thought about this chair person being almost alone in a room with a bunch of newcomers who obviously had an issue so I decided to stay but I had my phone dialed to 911 ready to push the go button at any sign of trouble. There must have been five of these newcomers. As the last one finished, the chair just stood up and said "Well ok, if no one has anything else to share, I guess we will close" , without missing a beat. So I walked out with her just because there is safety in numbers and as we got out the door, her entire regular fellowship started attacking her verbally for letting them continue on like that. It was awful. Then there was a ruckus starting in the parking lot between them all. I just stood there dumbfounded as everyone started screaming and poking at each other and then decided it was not my monkey not my circus. What ever happened to take what you like and leave the rest? I was able to step in and thank the chairperson and make sure she was going to be ok and walked very rapidly to my jeep and drove away, thinking note to self, these people have no serenity and flag this meeting as no way in hell ever again. I felt bad because I was being judgmental, and then quickly said to myself for safety sake sometimes you have to be judgmental. LOL But holy cow! Have you ever?
Freetime said
Dec 6, 2016
OMG, I'm sorry you had to experience such a dysfunctional meeting, and I feel so bad for the chairperson. I hope the group can have a conscience meeting and figure out how to handle such things in the future. It sounds like you made your getaway while using your Alanon tools, so good for you!
Jerry F said
Dec 6, 2016
It takes commitment and courage to be at a meeting like that. I was at one where the son of a member started going off on the program, the room and his mom and I asked him nicely to take a seat or leave that the others had a meeting to participate in. He threatened to kill me on the sidewalk after the meeting just before taking off to jail (lol) and then we all know it blows over so we continued till the end, had a good meeting and I'm obviously still alive 30 years later. Sometimes it happens that way. Thank you God. ((((hugs))))
KT2015 said
Dec 7, 2016
Fooled. I really like your posts. I see so much progress and growth and I really admire it. As I progressed through the program I found that I too took on entirely too much responsibility for my AH and my child and I could hand a lot of that back to them. What a relief that is! One of the first times I chaired a meeting at my regular group someone came in about half way through. He appeared to be under the influence of something, he was making fun of the meeting and ranting about issues and many members were fearful. I did not know how to handle it but thankfully someone in my group was able to take him aside and talk to him and move him out of the room. I love how you didn't judge the chair and you supported her. I hope your next meeting is more peaceful.
Fooled said
Dec 7, 2016
Thanks all for your responses It was very interesting
KT2015 it is amazing isn't it? Thank you for noticing my progress sometimes I don't see it and I get frustrated
I made some big steps in detachment lately. My AS and drug user kept asking me to borrow my car and my daughters car. I was really uncomfortable with it because he is on record as a drug addict and is on probation. How he has a valid license is beyond me but he did show me the paperwork reinstating him when he made a brief effort at sobriety in order to get back in my home. When my 17 year old daughter confessed to smoking weed, I took her driving privileges away until she could test clean. So my son thought that he could then use her car. I had to reinforce my boundaries in a nice calm way that marijuana was still illegal in NJ and I am not comfortable with him driving a vehicle registered and insured by me while he was going to use "just weed". He asked why he was being punished and I said its really not a punishment as I cannot tell him how to live his life, but I can say I am not ok with certain things and make boundaries to protect myself. Yay for me!
The other thing that really gets on my nerves is that I have become responsible for every single thing is the house. Every piece of mail, bill, court notice, notes to add something to the grocery list, everything comes across my desk to the point I cant do my work! It was very irritating because why on earth should I remind my adult son that his payment for his fines are due, he has court on this date? Why do I have to remind to the point I become nasty that my RAH has to fill out and return this piece of paper, his motorcycle and insurance payment were due 10 days ago? Then they get pissed at me because they are getting nastygrams and late notices, telephone calls, etc. So I made a grand central station. Each one in my house gets a calendar and a plastic bin that I attached to the wall in the mud room. Mail goes in the bin, they mark when they are supposed to be where, what's due, etc. The grocery list is now attached to the refrigerator. I am no longer going around to take notes to see who needs what. I am not digging through the pile of mail and what not to find scraps of paper and try to decipher what was written. It was such relief, here I was functioning way above my pay grade for all these years! Another yay
Yesterday was an IT nightmare for me work wise. After multiple phone calls to the IT center for my company I had to drive my laptop in and have some new drives put on. 2 hours in heavy traffic. Knowing I would not make my usual face to face meeting I decided not to skip it and go to the one near where the IT center was located. OMG! I guess I went on the wrong day. Only I would go to a face to face meeting where these newcomers decided to share how they thought Ala-non was a cult and that our fellowship was prejudiced and judgmental. The chair did not know what to do and just sat there and let it go on and on. Finally regulars started just getting up and leaving. I was going to leave as well and then I thought about this chair person being almost alone in a room with a bunch of newcomers who obviously had an issue so I decided to stay but I had my phone dialed to 911 ready to push the go button at any sign of trouble. There must have been five of these newcomers. As the last one finished, the chair just stood up and said "Well ok, if no one has anything else to share, I guess we will close" , without missing a beat. So I walked out with her just because there is safety in numbers and as we got out the door, her entire regular fellowship started attacking her verbally for letting them continue on like that. It was awful. Then there was a ruckus starting in the parking lot between them all. I just stood there dumbfounded as everyone started screaming and poking at each other and then decided it was not my monkey not my circus. What ever happened to take what you like and leave the rest? I was able to step in and thank the chairperson and make sure she was going to be ok and walked very rapidly to my jeep and drove away, thinking note to self, these people have no serenity and flag this meeting as no way in hell ever again. I felt bad because I was being judgmental, and then quickly said to myself for safety sake sometimes you have to be judgmental. LOL But holy cow! Have you ever?
It takes commitment and courage to be at a meeting like that. I was at one where the son of a member started going off on the program, the room and his mom and I asked him nicely to take a seat or leave that the others had a meeting to participate in. He threatened to kill me on the sidewalk after the meeting just before taking off to jail (lol) and then we all know it blows over so we continued till the end, had a good meeting and I'm obviously still alive 30 years later. Sometimes it happens that way. Thank you God. ((((hugs))))
KT2015 it is amazing isn't it? Thank you for noticing my progress sometimes I don't see it and I get frustrated