Alcoholic Partner Telling Me Who To Be Friends With
thekentuckygent said
Dec 6, 2016
Long time lurker, first time poster, but I wanted to start off by saying THANK YOU to all of you for helping me feel not quite SO crazy and alone in all of this.
But on to the matter at hand, long story short is that I have a friend of 8+ years that my alcoholic (ex at this point) partner has never been a fan of. I had a crush on this person when I was 18 or so, and when my partner asked about it I said no, there are no feelings there and never have been. He kept pressing for about a month, and I finally admitted that I did have a crush on him years ago, but he's became like a brother to me over the years - nothing more. Yes, I know I shouldn't have lied, and I should've been honest, but he's already made me cut two guy friends out of my life because he got a "bad feeling" about them and I knew this would turn into a fight just like this regardless of what I said. So I took the easier way out, IMO.
This came out on Saturday. He broke up with me Sunday morning and is saying that as long as my friend is my life he won't be. He's literally said that I have to make a choice between the two of them. I've agreed to not hang out with my friend if it makes him uncomfortable, but I will not delete and block him from everything as requested.
AM I CRAZY?! Or is he just trying to manipulate the situation and me as he wants. He's convinced himself in his head that me and my friend are secretly pining after each other, but that's not anywhere near the truth. There's nothing I can say to him to make me believe me.
Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
maryjane said
Dec 6, 2016
Isolation starts out so simply. We just try to get along so we do what it takes to get along. And then we realize there is no one left because we have cut everyone out..... except the A. That was the plan all along- although it was never articulated that way.
You are not crazy.
thekentuckygent said
Dec 6, 2016
Thank you Mary Jane, sometimes it's just great to hear that from another person. I appreciate you taking the time to reply!
Jazzie18 said
Dec 6, 2016
Sounds to me that he is quite controlling. You are not crazy and I agree with what MaryJane has said.
Calm Lady said
Dec 6, 2016
You are not crazy. He is trying to isolate you. My ex did that.
Jill said
Dec 6, 2016
My experience is the more out of control the addict is with their own behavior, the harder they try to deflect attention by trying to point out others' shortcomings and try to control the other person. It is painful to get caught up in it. Suspecting we are at fault (just because they touch on a molecule of truth in their accusation) does none of us any good. It is harmful to us.
It's such a good thing to come here and check it out. I didn't do that for far too long. Working it out among those who have similar experience is the route back to sanity (for me). You're not crazy.
Calm Lady said
Dec 6, 2016
Jill wrote:
My experience is the more out of control the addict is with their own behavior, the harder they try to deflect attention by trying to point out others' shortcomings and try to control the other person.
thank you, Jill. This made several lights come on in my head. Exactly right.
2HP said
Dec 6, 2016
The best guidance I have to offer (since you have the courage to ask) is the use of the 12 steps alongside a sponsor also using them because it will help understand why this might be happening "for" you and not "to" you.
Since I came to believe that nothing in God's world happens by mistake, I stopped dismissing everything as, "I keep running into assholes" and "Life is so unfair" (victimhood.) The universe kept bringing the same lessons again and again until I finally understood with the use of the steps, serenity came from wisdom gained.
But it takes courage to see the work, do the work, and stay out of misery. If you have been affected by someone else's drinking, I hope you find face to face Al-anon meetings and begin working on the steps that lead to serenity. That is my wish for you (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 6th of December 2016 02:36:41 PM
Jerry F said
Dec 6, 2016
Alcoholism is a FEAR BASED illness and until I found that out in program I could never understand why my alcoholic/addict wife behaved as she did and why I responded as I did. Sanity didn't appear in my life until I joined the Al-Anon Family Groups and realized that the last word of the 2nd Step is Sanity and that it would take a power greater than my alcoholic/addict, myself and the disease to bring me to it. As of this morning I am still actively working that step two increasing my belief in a Higher Power greater than myself. Keep coming back and thinks for the post. ((((hugs))))
Long time lurker, first time poster, but I wanted to start off by saying THANK YOU to all of you for helping me feel not quite SO crazy and alone in all of this.
But on to the matter at hand, long story short is that I have a friend of 8+ years that my alcoholic (ex at this point) partner has never been a fan of. I had a crush on this person when I was 18 or so, and when my partner asked about it I said no, there are no feelings there and never have been. He kept pressing for about a month, and I finally admitted that I did have a crush on him years ago, but he's became like a brother to me over the years - nothing more. Yes, I know I shouldn't have lied, and I should've been honest, but he's already made me cut two guy friends out of my life because he got a "bad feeling" about them and I knew this would turn into a fight just like this regardless of what I said. So I took the easier way out, IMO.
This came out on Saturday. He broke up with me Sunday morning and is saying that as long as my friend is my life he won't be. He's literally said that I have to make a choice between the two of them. I've agreed to not hang out with my friend if it makes him uncomfortable, but I will not delete and block him from everything as requested.
AM I CRAZY?! Or is he just trying to manipulate the situation and me as he wants. He's convinced himself in his head that me and my friend are secretly pining after each other, but that's not anywhere near the truth. There's nothing I can say to him to make me believe me.
Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
You are not crazy.
Thank you Mary Jane, sometimes it's just great to hear that from another person. I appreciate you taking the time to reply!
It's such a good thing to come here and check it out. I didn't do that for far too long. Working it out among those who have similar experience is the route back to sanity (for me). You're not crazy.
thank you, Jill. This made several lights come on in my head. Exactly right.
The best guidance I have to offer (since you have the courage to ask) is the use of the 12 steps alongside a sponsor also using them because it will help understand why this might be happening "for" you and not "to" you.
Since I came to believe that nothing in God's world happens by mistake, I stopped dismissing everything as, "I keep running into assholes" and "Life is so unfair" (victimhood.) The universe kept bringing the same lessons again and again until I finally understood with the use of the steps, serenity came from wisdom gained.
But it takes courage to see the work, do the work, and stay out of misery. If you have been affected by someone else's drinking, I hope you find face to face Al-anon meetings and begin working on the steps that lead to serenity. That is my wish for you (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 6th of December 2016 02:36:41 PM
Alcoholism is a FEAR BASED illness and until I found that out in program I could never understand why my alcoholic/addict wife behaved as she did and why I responded as I did. Sanity didn't appear in my life until I joined the Al-Anon Family Groups and realized that the last word of the 2nd Step is Sanity and that it would take a power greater than my alcoholic/addict, myself and the disease to bring me to it. As of this morning I am still actively working that step two increasing my belief in a Higher Power greater than myself. Keep coming back and thinks for the post. ((((hugs))))