An alcoholic in recovery is the same as an alcoholic minus the drink
mauigirl said
Dec 5, 2016
My husband has been in recovery since May but yet he continues to act like the alcoholic he was while on the drink. He has been reaching out to his family who constantly reject him. He has been consumed with sadness and frustration because of this. I know that in Al-Anon the focus is NOT on the alcoholic but on ME. I am happy with myself as a person even though I know I have a lot to work on, but I also want to have a happy relationship with him. I want to have a happy relationship with someone!! I know I have the option to move on without him....but we have 3 year old twins together and they are what push me to keep trying.....whether it be couples therapy or Al-Anon meetings to better myself. It's incredibly frustrating to see him try to reach out to his family who don't make the effort, while I'm at home with open arms and ears and children that want love and give love. At what point do you tell yourself it's better to sell your house, divide all of your things, and risk the tears of your children see you split up???
Iamhere said
Dec 5, 2016
Welcome mauigirl - glad you found us and glad that you shared. This is an Al-Anon group and we tend to not give advice. Only you can decide to stay or go, but while you are trying to figure it out, why not try Al-Anon?
It takes most Alcoholics years to reach their bottom.....they will take years to recover with/without a program. The disease is never cured and it is a disease of perceptions/thinking. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic also adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and distorted thinking.
Al-Anon can provide you with help and hope - your own recovery. Keep coming back!
Prissykitty said
Dec 5, 2016
I Don't have much for you but I'm in a similar situation. My husband is "dry" (well he had a relapse Friday night) and he's severely depressed and anxious. I have to sit and watch him suffer and it's horrible. I also have a three year old that adores him and another baby due in January. I read somewhere not to make any big decisions within a year of starting the program. So for now I'm trying to just do one day at a time. I used to threaten divorce almost weekly but for now I'm trying to just sit in this discomfort and let our marriage be for awhile while he works through this. Hugs to you!
MeTwo2 said
Dec 5, 2016
it is only a suggestion in alanon to make no lifechanging decisions for 6 months .. i say until after the steps working with a sponsor .. sometimes we become aware of more 'as we go .. not giving advice in this either .. merely the suggest and of course i don't know where anyone is in their alanon walk ..
one thing that helps me to remember though is alcoholism is a 'thinking disease 'our' thinking becomes distorted .. this is the reason we suggest .. i know for me the first relationship i needed the most is the one i have with my higher power and myself .. grateful to be working toward those today .. i feel what's inside 'me much more than what's inside 'another ..
sending prayers for serenity your way .. glad you are here reaching out to others .. i think when reasoning with others, the best thing i had ever heard others suggest was merely offline meetings in a face to face setting .. walking through the doors of a meeting was the 'best decision i could make under the circumstances ..
pinkchip said
Dec 5, 2016
I cant tell you what to do, but if your husband stays sober and works a program of AA...he will either drink again over all this or when the pain is too great, he will let it go and learn to be happy and sober. It took me more than a year working a dilligent AA program to make that shift. I was largely miserable in sobriety for a year or so. And it took a couple more years to not be so self absorbed.
I know the focus here is supposed to be on you in alanon, but I am only telling you this so you can practice this simple alanon tool:
Either he will get better or not. That will be revealed in time. You dont have to figure it out right now and you cannot predict the future. Let go and focus on yourself and your beautiful children as much as you can....Answers will come...
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 5th of December 2016 06:41:07 PM
mauigirl said
Dec 5, 2016
Thank you all for your responses! All very helpful at this time. I will continue along with my Al Amon meetings and trust and listen to my higher power. This whole experience has been the toughest that I've ever experienced.... thank you for listening..
maryjane said
Dec 5, 2016
Yes, I agree with everything you said. An alcoholic that is in recovery is not always changing the way we would like to see it.
But you are powerless over what he feels. You have to do what it takes to make YOU happy. If you stay with him, if you leave...... you still want to be happy. Try to get happy even though he is there.... and he is not happy. It is not impossible. One thing that helped me was being told to think of him as I think of the next door neighbor. I can feel sad for his decisions but I don't have to live in his decisions. I can keep him at arm's length and watch from over here. I don't have to get all mixed up in what he is doing/feeling.
You don't know what the future will bring. You do know that today you have 2 lovely children that love you and need you and have fun with you. Enjoy them no matter what your hubby does and feels. You can think about leaving later. For today you have to take care of yourself and your kids.
Jerry F said
Dec 5, 2016
Aloha Mauigirl and welcome to the board. Great that you are in program and looking after solutions. Al-Anon is solution oriented we get answers with ESH and from practice of the program, steps, traditions, concepts, sponsor work, literature and more. The biggest answer I got was my sanity and life back being born and raised in the disease and then marrying alcoholics and addicts up until I could no longer and decided to stay in the program rather than leave it again. I am local born (Oahu) and got into the program in the mainland...central valley CA. I will PM private message you...respond if you like or not and see if I can add more you can use. ((((hugs))))
mauigirl said
Dec 5, 2016
You all are so amazingly strong. I am still so new to this and trying to change old habits and ways of thinking that don't serve me anymore. I know it is what I need to do but yet it is so difficult. Trying to help but not enable... trying to support but not control....trying to be happy even if my relationship with my husband isn't a happy one. Such a difficult balance.... this chat has helped me. Also, happy to hear from a neighbor islander.
sarahGee said
Dec 8, 2016
mauigirl wrote:
At what point do you tell yourself it's better to sell your house, divide all of your things, and risk the tears of your children see you split up???
No one can tell you what point that is. It is your call.
I have twins as well, and I left their dad when they were 2 1/2, so I completely understand where you are coming from.
No matter which way you look at it, it is going to be difficult. What kind of difficult are you prepared to handle, or WANT to handle? The difficulties that come with ending a marriage, custody arrangement, child support, legal fees, finding affordable housing, childcare etc etc etc ... or living with an alcoholic? No easy choice, and I really sympathize with you there.
The best thing is that you are seeking Al Anon right NOW. I didn't seek help until 6 years after my separation, and I really could have used the program through my divorce. I'll tell you.. I didn't end up any better afterwards. I was still just as sick.
My husband has been in recovery since May but yet he continues to act like the alcoholic he was while on the drink. He has been reaching out to his family who constantly reject him. He has been consumed with sadness and frustration because of this. I know that in Al-Anon the focus is NOT on the alcoholic but on ME. I am happy with myself as a person even though I know I have a lot to work on, but I also want to have a happy relationship with him. I want to have a happy relationship with someone!! I know I have the option to move on without him....but we have 3 year old twins together and they are what push me to keep trying.....whether it be couples therapy or Al-Anon meetings to better myself. It's incredibly frustrating to see him try to reach out to his family who don't make the effort, while I'm at home with open arms and ears and children that want love and give love. At what point do you tell yourself it's better to sell your house, divide all of your things, and risk the tears of your children see you split up???
It takes most Alcoholics years to reach their bottom.....they will take years to recover with/without a program. The disease is never cured and it is a disease of perceptions/thinking. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic also adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and distorted thinking.
Al-Anon can provide you with help and hope - your own recovery. Keep coming back!
one thing that helps me to remember though is alcoholism is a 'thinking disease 'our' thinking becomes distorted .. this is the reason we suggest .. i know for me the first relationship i needed the most is the one i have with my higher power and myself .. grateful to be working toward those today .. i feel what's inside 'me much more than what's inside 'another ..
sending prayers for serenity your way .. glad you are here reaching out to others .. i think when reasoning with others, the best thing i had ever heard others suggest was merely offline meetings in a face to face setting .. walking through the doors of a meeting was the 'best decision i could make under the circumstances ..
I cant tell you what to do, but if your husband stays sober and works a program of AA...he will either drink again over all this or when the pain is too great, he will let it go and learn to be happy and sober. It took me more than a year working a dilligent AA program to make that shift. I was largely miserable in sobriety for a year or so. And it took a couple more years to not be so self absorbed.
I know the focus here is supposed to be on you in alanon, but I am only telling you this so you can practice this simple alanon tool:
Either he will get better or not. That will be revealed in time. You dont have to figure it out right now and you cannot predict the future. Let go and focus on yourself and your beautiful children as much as you can....Answers will come...
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 5th of December 2016 06:41:07 PM
But you are powerless over what he feels. You have to do what it takes to make YOU happy. If you stay with him, if you leave...... you still want to be happy. Try to get happy even though he is there.... and he is not happy. It is not impossible. One thing that helped me was being told to think of him as I think of the next door neighbor. I can feel sad for his decisions but I don't have to live in his decisions. I can keep him at arm's length and watch from over here. I don't have to get all mixed up in what he is doing/feeling.
You don't know what the future will bring. You do know that today you have 2 lovely children that love you and need you and have fun with you. Enjoy them no matter what your hubby does and feels. You can think about leaving later. For today you have to take care of yourself and your kids.
Aloha Mauigirl and welcome to the board. Great that you are in program and looking after solutions. Al-Anon is solution oriented we get answers with ESH and from practice of the program, steps, traditions, concepts, sponsor work, literature and more. The biggest answer I got was my sanity and life back being born and raised in the disease and then marrying alcoholics and addicts up until I could no longer and decided to stay in the program rather than leave it again. I am local born (Oahu) and got into the program in the mainland...central valley CA. I will PM private message you...respond if you like or not and see if I can add more you can use. ((((hugs))))
No one can tell you what point that is. It is your call.
I have twins as well, and I left their dad when they were 2 1/2, so I completely understand where you are coming from.
No matter which way you look at it, it is going to be difficult. What kind of difficult are you prepared to handle, or WANT to handle? The difficulties that come with ending a marriage, custody arrangement, child support, legal fees, finding affordable housing, childcare etc etc etc ... or living with an alcoholic? No easy choice, and I really sympathize with you there.
The best thing is that you are seeking Al Anon right NOW. I didn't seek help until 6 years after my separation, and I really could have used the program through my divorce. I'll tell you.. I didn't end up any better afterwards. I was still just as sick.
Keep coming back. There is a lot to learn here.