My ABF has been struggling with addiction since he was a kid. We come from VERY DIFFERENT backgrounds. So needless to say, it was hard for us to understand each others way of living. My ABF struggles a lot with boundaries. He would use the excuse of seeing his kids to disappear for days on end. He would end up at his ex's house on her couch because she let him go over there and get drunk/do drugs so long as he was around for the kids. Many times he would pack his kids in his truck and take off drunk as a skunk. Would end up arrested where their mom would have to pick up the kids, in the hospital, etc. He never faced any consequences with her so to him it was no big deal. This caused a lot of fights for us because after living this way for almost all his life (his mom is the same way), he couldn't understand why I couldn't trust him. Why I didn't feel comfortable leaving our baby with him unsupervised. Why I would freak out every time he said he was going to see his kids because I knew it wouldn't end well. One day while I was at work he packed his stuff and moved out of our house. No warning - just left. I went crazy looking for him at hospitals, jails, etc (the usual procedure when he disappeared) Finally I found him at his ex's house. He refused to take my calls for a month. He not only left me, he left our 12 month old baby, too! Finally he came around saying he made a big mistake, etc. but didn't really change. I eventually got him to agree to check into a rehab. The first two weeks were tough. All he wanted was for me to assure him he was coming home after and all was forgiven. I was apprehensive because I never know what I'm going to get with him. During this time I also found out I was pregnant. I think that was a turning point for him. He stopped looking for reassurance from me regarding our relationship, stopped calling and would rarely take my calls. I was no longer invited to come visit during family day. I spoke to him his last night there ... he told me how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to come back home, how much he missed me. Made plans to start working right away to help me out financially, etc. Said he wold call the minute he was out ... I sat by my phone all day waiting for his call, kept running to the window each time I heard a truck. Never got a call.
I finally got a hold of him and he told me he was sorry that he was having a hard time, that he was sick and just wasn't ready to deal with me. I completely understood, except he was leaving his son's parent/teacher conference. Meaning, he was okay to call his ex once he was out, go to a parent teacher conference, and well enough to visit his other children. It was just me and our son he wasn't well enough to see. I tried to be understanding and explained that this was his time to be selfish, to get better, etc. That all I asked from him was to be honest so that I wasn't up worried about him, waiting for his call. We spoke again the next day and he said he would come visit. I was ECSTATIC! I thought, 'okay, now we're getting somewhere'... I get a text after work telling me that he was sorry, that he was still feeling pretty crappy and rather stay home. That he loved me and wanted to make things work, that I didn't have to wait around forever. That he was going back to rehab for some aftercare and would come over after for as long as I'd like. I immediately called him back to tell him how proud I was of him for being honest, that I know he probably thought I'd be mad but I wasn't. That I understood and supported EVERY single thing that helped him get better. Saturday morning came and I sent him a few pix of our son. Wished him a good day and asked him to let me know when he thought he'd be over. No reply... I started to panic. Blowing up his phone, texting him, the usual embarrassing routine. Finally he texts me back to tell me that he's trying to use the map feature on his phone and if i would please stop. He blocked my phone number from his phone after that.
Well it's been exactly two weeks since I've been blocked from his phone. TWO WEEKS! Two and a half weeks out of rehab. He's seen his other children, he was on facebook last week (he deleted it when I sent him a message on there). I don't know what's going on!!! I've been attending al-anon meetings and last night I went to my first CoDa meeting. They're great and they help... but then it wears off. I start to go back into that dark place of uncertainty. I start to want to call, change my number so i can message him, etc. I just want to know what happened. Is this normal after rehab? Why is he okay to be around his other children and not our son?
Letting go and leaving this to my HP is a lot of work. It requires so much conscious effort and I'm finding myself getting lazy. I'm acting on my own will. Is it likely he's using again? His ex is totally okay with him using, etc. she doesn't mind her kids being around that. I of course do. Am I just making excuses for him? Could it be that he just really wants nothing to do with us? But why would he say all the things before he walked out on us? I wish someone could just give me an answer. I'm angry/sad/frustrated/scared/depressed - everything! I spend weekends on the couch crying. I've failed as a mother for the last few months. I have zero energy to move. This is slowly killing me. I feel my insides dying. I hate admitting that I'm slowly losing my will over someone that doesn't care about me.
My confusion comes from the fact that I noticed a change in him halfway through his rehab stay. When I asked he said that he was trying to focus on himself. So I started to see this behavior while he was "sober." I told him over and over that I was okay with him needing space after rehab. That I supported anything he needed to do to stay sober and well. He reassured me on multiple occasions that he wanted to be with me and that he couldn't wait to see us. Although, I still noticed him to be a bit distant. He made a comment that really haunts me. He said, "you have no idea how hard it is to want something so bad and not know how to do it without ruining it." He told me he didnt want to feel anything - happy, sad, etc. That he couldnt handle having to feel emotions. The next day is when he said he'd come over, that he loved us, etc and he never did. So I sorta saw this coming while he was in rehab, "sober." That's why I'm so confused. What happened that caused him to run away from us? He said we were all he wanted and that started to disappear .... Could he have realized in rehab that he didnt want to stay sober? Or does he blame me - am I a trigger? Because he still communicates with his ex and their children. It's just me he ran from. I know a lot of times he doesn't like telling me things because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But wouldn't a person in recovery be honest? His counselor told me that he believed my ABF really did want to be with me, but that a part of him was resisting. But after hearing how he lied, he told me that he'll never change and it was time for me to let him go. HIS REHAB COUNSELOR TOLD ME THIS!
I love him, but I know I don't want to be with him anymore. I know this relationship is over. He never even had the guts to break up with me... this is the second time he disappears this way. The first time he moved out without notice while I was at work. He didnt speak to us for a month. This rehab stay was his way of showing me he was willing to change so we could be a family again! Why go through all that just to leave us again. Why ask me to open up my heart again just to crush it all over again. I understand there is no logic behind addiction... but I don't understand how this started to happen while he was "sober"...
Jerry F said
Dec 3, 2016
(((((Confused))))) He has never been sober...he might have been dry for a spell but sober is an entirely different thing. Addition to mind and mood altering drugs is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and I hear you telling that you are dealing with both. Alcoholics are past-masters at putting the responsibility on others and not only their significant others either. Your man is sick very sick and read your post as if you were one of us and see how you feel about it on your side. That was a practice my former sponsor also put me thru and I eventually stopped complaining about how and what my alcoholic/addict wife was doing and focus only on myself. I was insane and realized why the last word of the 2nd step is sanity. In Al-Anon I was given the definition of sanity as "The continuous and orderly process of thought" and with that as a ruler my mental state didn't measure up...I was toast. The program says to me "If you keep and open mind....You will find help" and I attached myself to that promise and did there after.
You situation is in my experience very in need of as many meetings as you can get to in the next 90 days. That saved my life and it can save yours. Keep coming back here also and stick with the MIP family. We will stand with you. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Dec 3, 2016
Welcome Confused I agree with all that Jerry has stated There is help and hope. Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2016
I too send warm welcomes to you confused. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Confused16 said
Dec 4, 2016
Thank you all for the responses. It's he uncertainty that kills me. Is he going to come back? Will he ask me for help - AGAIN?! or will he be gone for good? I hate living in this "fear" ... I am working the 12 steps, but it's still hard. I'm pregnant, emotional, scared, confused.
Iamhere said
Dec 4, 2016
Confused - I fully hear you and am sending you thoughts and prayers. Try as best you can to just stay in the now. Just this day. This helped me so much at the beginning of my recovery - not worrying about tomorrow or yesterday but tuning into the right here and right now. (((Hugs)))
My ABF has been struggling with addiction since he was a kid. We come from VERY DIFFERENT backgrounds. So needless to say, it was hard for us to understand each others way of living. My ABF struggles a lot with boundaries. He would use the excuse of seeing his kids to disappear for days on end. He would end up at his ex's house on her couch because she let him go over there and get drunk/do drugs so long as he was around for the kids. Many times he would pack his kids in his truck and take off drunk as a skunk. Would end up arrested where their mom would have to pick up the kids, in the hospital, etc. He never faced any consequences with her so to him it was no big deal. This caused a lot of fights for us because after living this way for almost all his life (his mom is the same way), he couldn't understand why I couldn't trust him. Why I didn't feel comfortable leaving our baby with him unsupervised. Why I would freak out every time he said he was going to see his kids because I knew it wouldn't end well. One day while I was at work he packed his stuff and moved out of our house. No warning - just left. I went crazy looking for him at hospitals, jails, etc (the usual procedure when he disappeared) Finally I found him at his ex's house. He refused to take my calls for a month. He not only left me, he left our 12 month old baby, too! Finally he came around saying he made a big mistake, etc. but didn't really change. I eventually got him to agree to check into a rehab. The first two weeks were tough. All he wanted was for me to assure him he was coming home after and all was forgiven. I was apprehensive because I never know what I'm going to get with him. During this time I also found out I was pregnant. I think that was a turning point for him. He stopped looking for reassurance from me regarding our relationship, stopped calling and would rarely take my calls. I was no longer invited to come visit during family day. I spoke to him his last night there ... he told me how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to come back home, how much he missed me. Made plans to start working right away to help me out financially, etc. Said he wold call the minute he was out ... I sat by my phone all day waiting for his call, kept running to the window each time I heard a truck. Never got a call.
I finally got a hold of him and he told me he was sorry that he was having a hard time, that he was sick and just wasn't ready to deal with me. I completely understood, except he was leaving his son's parent/teacher conference. Meaning, he was okay to call his ex once he was out, go to a parent teacher conference, and well enough to visit his other children. It was just me and our son he wasn't well enough to see. I tried to be understanding and explained that this was his time to be selfish, to get better, etc. That all I asked from him was to be honest so that I wasn't up worried about him, waiting for his call. We spoke again the next day and he said he would come visit. I was ECSTATIC! I thought, 'okay, now we're getting somewhere'... I get a text after work telling me that he was sorry, that he was still feeling pretty crappy and rather stay home. That he loved me and wanted to make things work, that I didn't have to wait around forever. That he was going back to rehab for some aftercare and would come over after for as long as I'd like. I immediately called him back to tell him how proud I was of him for being honest, that I know he probably thought I'd be mad but I wasn't. That I understood and supported EVERY single thing that helped him get better. Saturday morning came and I sent him a few pix of our son. Wished him a good day and asked him to let me know when he thought he'd be over. No reply... I started to panic. Blowing up his phone, texting him, the usual embarrassing routine. Finally he texts me back to tell me that he's trying to use the map feature on his phone and if i would please stop. He blocked my phone number from his phone after that.
Well it's been exactly two weeks since I've been blocked from his phone. TWO WEEKS! Two and a half weeks out of rehab. He's seen his other children, he was on facebook last week (he deleted it when I sent him a message on there). I don't know what's going on!!! I've been attending al-anon meetings and last night I went to my first CoDa meeting. They're great and they help... but then it wears off. I start to go back into that dark place of uncertainty. I start to want to call, change my number so i can message him, etc. I just want to know what happened. Is this normal after rehab? Why is he okay to be around his other children and not our son?
Letting go and leaving this to my HP is a lot of work. It requires so much conscious effort and I'm finding myself getting lazy. I'm acting on my own will. Is it likely he's using again? His ex is totally okay with him using, etc. she doesn't mind her kids being around that. I of course do. Am I just making excuses for him? Could it be that he just really wants nothing to do with us? But why would he say all the things before he walked out on us? I wish someone could just give me an answer. I'm angry/sad/frustrated/scared/depressed - everything! I spend weekends on the couch crying. I've failed as a mother for the last few months. I have zero energy to move. This is slowly killing me. I feel my insides dying. I hate admitting that I'm slowly losing my will over someone that doesn't care about me.
I love him, but I know I don't want to be with him anymore. I know this relationship is over. He never even had the guts to break up with me... this is the second time he disappears this way. The first time he moved out without notice while I was at work. He didnt speak to us for a month. This rehab stay was his way of showing me he was willing to change so we could be a family again! Why go through all that just to leave us again. Why ask me to open up my heart again just to crush it all over again. I understand there is no logic behind addiction... but I don't understand how this started to happen while he was "sober"...
(((((Confused))))) He has never been sober...he might have been dry for a spell but sober is an entirely different thing. Addition to mind and mood altering drugs is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and I hear you telling that you are dealing with both. Alcoholics are past-masters at putting the responsibility on others and not only their significant others either. Your man is sick very sick and read your post as if you were one of us and see how you feel about it on your side. That was a practice my former sponsor also put me thru and I eventually stopped complaining about how and what my alcoholic/addict wife was doing and focus only on myself. I was insane and realized why the last word of the 2nd step is sanity. In Al-Anon I was given the definition of sanity as "The continuous and orderly process of thought" and with that as a ruler my mental state didn't measure up...I was toast. The program says to me "If you keep and open mind....You will find help" and I attached myself to that promise and did there after.
You situation is in my experience very in need of as many meetings as you can get to in the next 90 days. That saved my life and it can save yours. Keep coming back here also and stick with the MIP family. We will stand with you. ((((hugs))))