I am smiling when I hear about the "pure rage". Yes, I had/have that too. I never knew if it was because of the drinking and HIM and his sucky attitude, because of my own menopause and homonal changes, because life just sucked........ who knows. I know I would be happy when I identified that it was what I was feeling BEFORE I put my foot in my mouth and threw a grenade..... even though I always felt it was fair and deserved..... but not the person I wanted to be. But a few times the grenades got thrown anyway and things changed and people got scared of me and then in a few hours or days I would have to say I was sorry for how I said what I said.

It's great that you are seeing this in your behavior. It took me a long time.

Serenity - I love your awareness! It reminded me that before recovery, I truly had no filter....what my mind was thinking literally popped out of my mouth. Trust me when I say - I was not a very nice person to engage with when I was HALT or H(ormonal).

Recovery has given me a different view of many, many things - one of my best tools is knowing I am loving and lovable even when I slam my lips closed to process!

I am glad to see you willing to 'do a relationship' - courage is in the air! (((Hugs))) - keep leaning into the program ... it works well for you!

Not nice before recovery .. Ugh .. That is a true story .. It is frustrating to know what I'm doing is not ok and try to identify the trigger I'm grateful my partner is trying to listen. It's the negative comments that ring so loud after the A and after my mother .. I spent the last 5 years putting humpty dumpty together again I do not need to go down this road again. Lesson learned. It's hard because what is over reaction .. What is appropriate. I tend to give to much benefit of the doubt and not enough holding someone accountable until I'm holding them so accountable it's painful for us both. I asked the question if all this is wrong with what I do .. What exactly do you like about me that makes you want to invest time in us? That one statement threw him big time. I know he is not doing these things in malice I also know this is 30 years of previous defense. At least he has enough self awareness to see I'm not the only one stating the same thing which I find interesting. My initial reactions threw me .. I felt defensive not sure how to communicate what I was feeling and just angry. Ha ha .. That's a jump. Then I felt panic who am I in a relationship and will I sacrifice that the way I did with the ex. My mother recently said I complicate everything in terms of a relationship .. Maybe I do my X said the same thing .. I don't recall being in relationships with these two as a walk in the park and I'm not the only one who has verbalized that .. My dad used to go on about my mother being complicated .. The irony is not lost on me. So now I try and figure out how to hold on to me while continuing to grow within a relationship .. I wish it were as easy for me as it seems to be for others. Grr ..

Great post and I really get how you feel. I am also like you on that I struggle to know if I'm being too tolerant or not enough and i can be obsessive compulsive about everything including trying to work it out. Within an intimate relationship my dis ease comes right out because I'm still fragile even after 5 or 6 yrs on my own. I've got wounds that can lie dormant and then something triggers it. I'm trying to stay close to my program trying real hard to keep my own identity not get all entangled with another where I lose myself. I. Redoing the steps with a woman in my group. I want to work on this me, the me within these new relationships. Your not alone and I think our relationships really are our mirrors encouraging us to go deeper into the truth of who we are good and bad.x

I think that's what is really frustrating me .. After all this time I'm still shedding skin from 20+ years ago .. Does it ever stop? I would much rather be focused on things that were only 5 years old vs almost 50!? I am thinking about finding a meeting closer to me. I haven't really found a good one near me. I have been so bad hormonal wise I took a pregnancy test thinking ok .. Seriously lol THAT would be the God of muy understandings sense of humor. Sigh. Not pregnant .. Lol. One thing I will say is this has been a year of a lot of loss for me. Two very significant people have been very ill or passed away. I miss my friends terribly. I feel off a little with the holidays I think. And honestly a LOT of change for me personally. The other issue is if I'm upset so is my guy .. I'm like dude.. No .. no .. I get my tantrum .. It's about me .. Please don't take that away .. That is what my mother would do. He asked a very intelligent question which was what can I do when you are upset? I asked him if I could get back to him about what I actually need when I'm like that .. Honestly I really just want to be held when I spin. At least that was the answer I came to realize. I just need a safe place to hide inside of for a while thank God I feel safe with him.