Thank you for this group. My mother was an alcoholic. Now my son. He is 28 years old, very bright, and the world was his for the asking. He has been a slow downward spiral for years looking back but we just didn't see it. He was in Korea when his father died and that triggered an event with Adderall. He received a general discharge and has been home for about 4 months. He passed the praxis without effort in biology, had a job lined up, and he self destructed. He spent one night in a hotel, and then the next night blew .24 sitting in a parking lot. My daughter and I finally found out what happened after calling all the hospitals and police stations. He admitted that this was not the first time driving while drinking. He called that morning and wasn't even going to tell us this happened. Because I have no family whatsoever other than my daughter who lives in Tn, I moved to be near her when my husband died. My son came here as well. He knows no one and will not easily talk to either of us.
Thankfully, there is a year long veteran program in this state, whereas if he completes it, the DUI and all contained can be expunged completely. He has to live in the county where he received the DUI. I plan to spend the week helping him move into the apt and be with him to have him be able to talk. I live an hour away from where he will live in a rental house. He has no job and will have to get one that will take someone with a DUI. The only reason he got the apt was because he used his job that he had in the school system.
I know I can't stop him, make him realize that drinking is only hiding the truth of what is really the issue. His mind. He says he drinks to make his mind shut off. To have quiet. The words are all too familiar.
I am trying to walk a tight line. Support but not do. I am just not sure I am strong enough.
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2016
Welcome Dee to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. This disease is powerful and baffling and is considered a family disease as it reaches well beyond the drinker and affects those who love or live with them. I suggest you reach out and find some local Al-Anon meetings - you will find tons of support from others who have similar experiences.
Recovery allowed me to better understand the difference between supporting my A sons and enabling them. I learned how to work on me, how I reacted and other issues that the disease brought out in me. I was taught to create healthy boundaries that help keep me from getting sucked into the issues that affect their lives. Al-Anon truly saved my soul and my sanity in so many ways.
I am sure sorry for the pain you are experiencing and can relate. Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
Jerry F said
Dec 3, 2016
Aloha Dee S and welcome to the board. Stick around and listen for the similarities in our stories and yours with the gold being what we did to find peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic qualifier is still drinking or not. You can have relief in our 3Cs awareness...We didn't Cause it, We cannot Control it and We will not Cure it. Of course the "it" refers to the disease of alcoholism and/or addiction to other mind and mood altering chemicals. You can turn the "Cs" over to him and your Higher Power however you decide that is. Alcoholism can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence that is part of the AMA definition on alcoholism which helped me stay inside the rooms of Al-Anon while I was attempting to force my wife into sobriety....that didn't work HP did and she got sober and was doing great when I last saw her.
Stick around, we have many members who will come to stand with you. ((((hugs))))
Lyne said
Dec 4, 2016
Greetings Dee~I know I was completely confused, upset, depressed, overwhelmed, etc., when I came to Alanon over 3 years ago. I tried talking to my A for years, made lists of helpers, meetings, doctors, articles to read, etc., etc., etc. My A is still active but I have gotten a grip on myself. I have learned that the only person I can control is me. I can support, encourage, etc., but the addict will only get help if he/she wants it. I hope you will give Alanon a chance to help you. I hope your son will get into recovery but that is up to him. It's hard to let go and let God but with A's, that's what we can do-take care of ourselves. Lyne :)
Freetime said
Dec 4, 2016
Hello Dee, and welcome to our world! Wonderful wisdom has already been shared by those above me in this thread. I just wanted to add a couple more thoughts.
You mentioned that you have moved to a new area and don't have family. One thing I noticed as soon as I started in Al-Anon ... I now had family and friends who understood what I was going through, had been there, and had good experience to share. Now I can go anyplace in the country, find a meeting, and I'm instantly among friends who welcome me so warmly, it's as if they've known me my whole life. It is amazing.
I, too, felt that I was not strong enough to handle it. And I discovered that was true, I could no longer handle it on my own. But adding the strength of others, reaching out, I gained strength. And it is hard, whenever our children are troubled. But you are not alone.
Thank you for this group. My mother was an alcoholic. Now my son. He is 28 years old, very bright, and the world was his for the asking. He has been a slow downward spiral for years looking back but we just didn't see it. He was in Korea when his father died and that triggered an event with Adderall. He received a general discharge and has been home for about 4 months. He passed the praxis without effort in biology, had a job lined up, and he self destructed. He spent one night in a hotel, and then the next night blew .24 sitting in a parking lot. My daughter and I finally found out what happened after calling all the hospitals and police stations. He admitted that this was not the first time driving while drinking. He called that morning and wasn't even going to tell us this happened. Because I have no family whatsoever other than my daughter who lives in Tn, I moved to be near her when my husband died. My son came here as well. He knows no one and will not easily talk to either of us.
Thankfully, there is a year long veteran program in this state, whereas if he completes it, the DUI and all contained can be expunged completely. He has to live in the county where he received the DUI. I plan to spend the week helping him move into the apt and be with him to have him be able to talk. I live an hour away from where he will live in a rental house. He has no job and will have to get one that will take someone with a DUI. The only reason he got the apt was because he used his job that he had in the school system.
I know I can't stop him, make him realize that drinking is only hiding the truth of what is really the issue. His mind. He says he drinks to make his mind shut off. To have quiet. The words are all too familiar.
I am trying to walk a tight line. Support but not do. I am just not sure I am strong enough.
Recovery allowed me to better understand the difference between supporting my A sons and enabling them. I learned how to work on me, how I reacted and other issues that the disease brought out in me. I was taught to create healthy boundaries that help keep me from getting sucked into the issues that affect their lives. Al-Anon truly saved my soul and my sanity in so many ways.
I am sure sorry for the pain you are experiencing and can relate. Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
Aloha Dee S and welcome to the board. Stick around and listen for the similarities in our stories and yours with the gold being what we did to find peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic qualifier is still drinking or not. You can have relief in our 3Cs awareness...We didn't Cause it, We cannot Control it and We will not Cure it. Of course the "it" refers to the disease of alcoholism and/or addiction to other mind and mood altering chemicals. You can turn the "Cs" over to him and your Higher Power however you decide that is. Alcoholism can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence that is part of the AMA definition on alcoholism which helped me stay inside the rooms of Al-Anon while I was attempting to force my wife into sobriety....that didn't work HP did and she got sober and was doing great when I last saw her.
Stick around, we have many members who will come to stand with you. ((((hugs))))
Hello Dee, and welcome to our world! Wonderful wisdom has already been shared by those above me in this thread. I just wanted to add a couple more thoughts.
You mentioned that you have moved to a new area and don't have family. One thing I noticed as soon as I started in Al-Anon ... I now had family and friends who understood what I was going through, had been there, and had good experience to share. Now I can go anyplace in the country, find a meeting, and I'm instantly among friends who welcome me so warmly, it's as if they've known me my whole life. It is amazing.
I, too, felt that I was not strong enough to handle it. And I discovered that was true, I could no longer handle it on my own. But adding the strength of others, reaching out, I gained strength. And it is hard, whenever our children are troubled. But you are not alone.