I am not sure what it was today that kept pushing me off kilter but there was something. Nothing really concrete but a state of restless anxiety slowly burning under the surface all day. I really found myself fed up, ready to give up, hopeless, tired and weak. Like the armor I have been putting on is now to heavy and burdensome. The other day was the first time I felt anything for so long. It was almost relieving that I could feel something, anything. Now the gates have a little hole that feelings are flowing out in little drips and small streams, and I am fighting it I think. Things were so much easier when I didn't have to think about the ugly stuff. I had them locked in the back of my mind in a box with a lock. It has been awhile that I actually felt something that its hard to recognize what it is. Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. I want to retreat back in to my safe hidey hole, but I know I cant. I resent the disease and the trouble it has caused. I resent my imprisoning myself because of it. Looking for inspiration to get up and push through.
LinSC said
Dec 3, 2016
I have experienced that overwhelming feeling, it is scary. When ever this happens to me, I step back and change my path for a while, take a break, give it to God, put it down. I sometimes needed a break from all the learning and stuffing my head with new things. I take a day to go shopping, see a funny movie, and I always make sure I get plenty of rest and relaxation. The real sense of "Let go Let God". Usually a break refreshes me....and I always make sure I have at least one good friend to talk to and download all my woes.
All of the above is what helps me, take what you like and leave the rest linsc
pinkchip said
Dec 3, 2016
If I am trying that hard to block emotions...something is wrong. I need a planned, time limited period to get real with my sponsor, self, and my HP. Yeah...i gotta stuff it to work and interact with people who need me, but there HAS to be time for me to center and get real honest and raw with what is going on with me. The steps and program taught me that and if I don't do it...I pay for it in my experience because those feelings and thought eat at me and come out all wrong.
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2016
My thoughts and prayers are with you Fooled - I can relate....I am like pinkchip - when I am bothered by anything, whether I can identify or not, my best course of action is talking it out with my sponsor or trusted program friends. I made a bad habit of erupting towards the closest person when I let things fester, and it affected my ability to listen with reason, respond and even move forward/grow.
Meetings are also for me another safe place to 'get it out'....Sending you big (((hugs))).
SerenityRUS said
Dec 4, 2016
I can remember after my xah had left that I was standing in line at the grocery store and I wasn't sobbing however tears were just running down my face the poor little cashier lol. Looks at me and says are you ok? I was like I'm just leaking .. I drank too much water LOL. Anyways .. It wad so much easier to deal with one feeling vs the array I have now. The good news is your healing .. The bad news your healing lol. It's this catch 22 of things that haven't been dealt with and all of a sudden there's that more than one feeling issue going on. This too shall pass. It will be on a new playing field of growth .. Now it's the time to take care of you and bee gentle with yourself. I know it's hard at times. Hugs s ;)
Fooled said
Dec 4, 2016
Thank you all for your inspiration. I just took a break yesterday. Not do anything but "stay in" the day. Replenish myself. Saw my nuggets, worked on my Christmas stuff, finished decorating... RAH and I went to my office Christmas party last night, (Nurses and Social Workers can put it away like no ones business lol) I was very proud of my RAH. He was graceful and humble and he apologized to my team members for causing me so to lose my focus from my work at times. I was able to accomplish some forgiveness there. He even asked me, was I that much of an asshole when I drank? I just smiled. No judgment here! It seems like I was looking at things like a big check off sheet, so my program friend explained. My itinerary of things to accomplish was based on where my qualifiers were in the disease/recovery instead of where I was in my Recovery. Therefore I became frustrated that I was working so hard that I couldn't see the forest through the trees. I learned a valuable lesson though, I didn't make my face2face last week because my RAH came down with his man flu. Right now I need those Face2Face meetings and if I don't go, my focus shifts and I return to my old patterns.
I can so relate to the leaking SRU, there was so much stuffed in there that its hard enough to deal with one let alone all those others than come flooding in.
I am not sure what it was today that kept pushing me off kilter but there was something. Nothing really concrete but a state of restless anxiety slowly burning under the surface all day. I really found myself fed up, ready to give up, hopeless, tired and weak. Like the armor I have been putting on is now to heavy and burdensome. The other day was the first time I felt anything for so long. It was almost relieving that I could feel something, anything. Now the gates have a little hole that feelings are flowing out in little drips and small streams, and I am fighting it I think. Things were so much easier when I didn't have to think about the ugly stuff. I had them locked in the back of my mind in a box with a lock. It has been awhile that I actually felt something that its hard to recognize what it is. Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. I want to retreat back in to my safe hidey hole, but I know I cant. I resent the disease and the trouble it has caused. I resent my imprisoning myself because of it. Looking for inspiration to get up and push through.
I have experienced that overwhelming feeling, it is scary. When ever this happens to me, I step back and change my path for a while, take a break, give it to God, put it down. I sometimes needed a break from all the learning and stuffing my head with new things. I take a day to go shopping, see a funny movie, and I always make sure I get plenty of rest and relaxation. The real sense of "Let go Let God". Usually a break refreshes me....and I always make sure I have at least one good friend to talk to and download all my woes.
All of the above is what helps me, take what you like and leave the rest linsc
Meetings are also for me another safe place to 'get it out'....Sending you big (((hugs))).
I can so relate to the leaking SRU, there was so much stuffed in there that its hard enough to deal with one let alone all those others than come flooding in.
Thank you all