Haven't posted for a while. Been working my program and growing.
Just wanted to kind of say out loud that as I move forward I am finding AHs drinking behaviours far harder to cope with. I obviously practice 'detach with love,' I move away, don't engage etc but wow, whereas in the past in my numb state the drinking and drunk stuff didn't particularly bother me. Now I find it very irritating. Very.
I resent it. That it is me that has to leave the room, dodge around it, come downstairs to a passed out drunk every morning.
All things that I suspect a normal, healthy person would have found unacceptable the whole time. Whereas I accepted them as ok behaviours before.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:06:59 PM
Jerry F said
Dec 2, 2016
I understand also...that is how I felt early on myself and it was the help of the fellowship and my sponsor to tell me that the program wasn't for me to gain and exert power over my alcoholic/addict wife and for me to gain and exert power over my non-working thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I had arrived at the default thought, feeling and behavior that she was a "bad" person...truthfully a bitch...I saw nothing good in her and refused to try until the program using a inventory of myself helped me to see what was going on with me that caused so much negativity which often resulted in rage which I hated in myself. I hated her, I hated myself, I hated everything...I found habitual hatred until "I came to understand".
I ramped up my recovery and found the miracles of the program.
Keep coming back Calm Lady...keep practicing, practicing, practicing. This is all about you. (((())))
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 2, 2016
I remember my 4th or 5th meeting, topic was "unacceptable behavior". I was thinking "well, this won't amount to much". By the time we were done, instead I was saying "OMG, yes, that's unacceptable. And that's unacceptable. How was it I didn't think that it was unacceptable while I was going through it?"
For the record, it was about half-and-half unacceptable behavior from my qualifier, and unacceptable behavior from me!
Kenny
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
Many thanks for the shares.a
Yes, what i was getting at is that MY view of behaviours was totally distorted. Coming from an alcoholic home, I am beginning to see reality. Things I thought were normal are not.
I am starting to come out of the fog, seeing things as they are. Not judging AH, more me waking up to the real world.
I am rather surprised at what I see and how I feel now.
My point being I didn't know what was acceptable and what was not. I don't hate AH, I just didn't realise how intense the drunk behaviours are. And yes, normal people would find them irritating. Because they are. I was in deep denial and believed I didn't find them irritating. That was my dysfunction.
Life is becoming in full colour, like in The Wizard of Oz.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:40:21 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:55:40 PM
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
In my childhood and in my marriage, I was never allowed to express my true emotions and feelings. I had to plaster a smile on my face and act like I was happy.
I had to line up with the irrational mood swings of those around me.
I was not allowed feelings. I had to be an extra in the theatre play of happy families that my family, then Ah wanted to portray.
I shut down. Didn't trust my feelings. I had been told they were wrong so many times. Told what I saw and felt was wrong. Gaslighting. I was numb to the dangerous insanity I was living in.
Now all these decades later, my feelings, instincts, intuition is coming back.
milkwood said
Dec 2, 2016
When my feelings started coming back I made myself a Celebration!!!! Whey Hey!!!!
(I was feeling rage and tears at the time but figured that joy wasn't going be far behind!)
I love, just love, reading this post, I take from it that our feelings, instincts and intuition stay close by and that they know when they are invited to return. We just have to be open enough to send them an invite! Thank you for this thread ((((Calm Lady))))
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
I am so glad they are coming back. They are designed to protect us, in amongst other things. I never felt safe before.
I feared AH from a deeply irrational place. There is nothing he can do to harm me (he isn't violent, never has been). I grew up in extreme violence.
That fear followed me. I couldn't protect myself as a kid, also you could never judge when the violence would explode. No consistency in it. Mum was the violent one. Nasty, with weapons.
Also my dad was a sexually creepy drunk. Ewwwwwwwww, just thinking about it. Ewwwwwwwww. Again I was told I was wrong about that. I was told he was a lovely man. No, he wasn't he was a predator. Just walking past him, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
Thank you, Milkwood, Kenny and Jerry.
I am letting my feelings in. Darn scary. But good.
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
More coming up and out.
Ok so I had it drummed into me that I wasn't allowed to mind when the drunk with me was being obnoxious and loud in public, say a restaurant for example. No, I am not allowed to mind that. Well i do, which is why I don't go out with AH. Ever!
Calm Lady said
Dec 2, 2016
I hope the joy part comes along in due course, Milkwood.
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 2, 2016
(((Calm One)))
Iamhere said
Dec 2, 2016
Great share Calm Lady.....feelings do feel kind of new when we've stuffed them, or let them out inappropriately (I did this) before recovery. It is when I started to 'feel' again that my sponsor was critical for my recovery. Many of the circumstances that happened during my numb stage were just below the surface, and until I worked the steps, I caused some explosions by blasting on behaviors and activities I had let slide for a long, long, long while.
It is with my sponsor that I learned how to feel the feeling, talk it out and then decide that which really affected 'me' vs. that which was not my business. I have slowly set and enforced boundaries around those which affect me and it's worked well. Detaching saved my bacon for a long while and still does. It's healthy boundary setting that allowed me to save face, and say what I need to say with grace and dignity.
I am glad that things are clearer and clearer for you! I agree with Milkwood - we have to first learn to feel and then before you know it ... there are many more positive moments in a day vs. numb/frustrating. That's how it worked for me...those can and do flip if I let my program slip.
(((Hugs)))
Mcat54 said
Dec 3, 2016
I can so relate, Calm Lady. I am one of five girls. People used to joke about my dad's "harem." Little did they know what he was doing to us at home while my mom was away at Mass. We were those perfect little girls on the outside, scared to death on the inside. I have a very hard time with boundaries and recognizing appropriate behavior, as I was taught not to question, contradict or challenge any man. His playfulness involved creepy boundary violations whe we were teenagers, and of course we'd been groomed not to object.
I am finding my voice and learning to protect myself, with the help of the program. One day at a time. It's hard not to let the pendulum swing so far in the opposite direction after a lifetime of extreme dysfunction. Searching for balance here. Cathy
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
Thank you Kenny, IAmHere and Cathy.
Finding it very difficult. Feels like the feelings will eat me up. AH just doing what he normally does but feels incredibly amplified. Like my body burning. He is upstairs blasting out loud music at present. He likes to bait me. Get a reaction.
Normally I ignore it all but it feels like I will explode with anger.
Spoken with my sponsor but feel ill with it.
Also feel sick at my choice of being with an active alcoholic.
Thank you, Cathy. You have given me a good word 'groomed' not to object. Exactly right.
H turning music up even louder in attempt to further bait. Normally i would go out of the house but ies dark here now.
H has mental health issues as well as being an A.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 11:59:43 AM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 12:08:27 PM
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
I have heard ladies in my home group talk of this consuming rage many times. I think this is my first times feeling it.
Perhaps I need to alter my user name for a while from Calm Lady, to Raging Nutcase!
I just need to say this, I said it recently but need to say it now too, i really don't like AH. There is nothing to like. He is empty. There is just nothing there.
The stress of getting rid of him at present feels way beyond being possible.
Plus I know that he has an abuse cycle. He is currently is nasty part of it, it will change in a day or two to him being soft, gentle and ok to be around. Still empty. But not trying to bait me or cause a fight.
His cycle is roughly three pleasant weeks, then a few days of nasty, a couple of transition days from pleasant to nasty.
Yes. I know this is Al-anon and my focus is on me. However I do have the right to state all of this. Unlike in the past when I thought I didn't have the right to tell things as they truthfully are.
Meant to pretend. I can't pretend any more. My growth and recovery will not allow it.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 4, 2016
I completely relate to your share about being told and dismissed when you said hey there is an elephant pretending to be a coffee table and being told no that's a coffee table pretending to be an elephant. I think honestly even now I react strongly to being told that I didn't see or feel something .. My xah was very angry when I stopped allowing him to pretend that everything was ok. I couldn't even see how out of control I was at the time. All I did was stand quietly in my own truth. It was such a freeing feeling not to have to be right just to say yup this is my truth and I'm ok with that. Hugs great share. ;)
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
Thank you do much. You sum it up so well.
Yes there is a great big elephant in the room that I believed I had to pretend not to see.
I can see it.
As a kid I wasn't allowed to see it. In my marriage I wasn't allowed to see t.
Yep, it's definitely there. I have been walking around it for years.
H very strongly wants me to pretend we live a normal life. We don't. We really really don't.
His drinking isn't actually that big a deal to me. It the pretending that makes me crazy.
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
Thanks Serenity, it IS very freeing!
I cannot unsee the elephant. It is there.
As I say there is a mix of mental illness plus alcoholism going on, plus throw in a king baby attitude.
There! Said it!
Along with utterly self induced very severe physical damage of H's body. He can hardly walk now. Severe heart failure, neuropathy which we are meant to pretend were not caused by his drinking. The various doctors who have said this have been wiped from his memory.
But, no. We are meant to pretend he is just unlucky with his health!
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 01:25:59 PM
El said
Dec 4, 2016
Ahhhh, I can relate to the cycles in personality. The build-up, the rage and back to calm. Now during buildup, I make my plans and stick close to HP because I know it's going to be a tough week or two. It is such an effort to not retaliate, but I only end up exhausted and H just goes about being himself. The only one affected is me! So, I try really hard to choose peace. I am not always successful, but much better than I used to be.
You have been doing great, Calm Lady. Sounds like more growth is coming your way and these are your growing pains. Hang in there!
(((Hugs)))
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
Many thanks, El.
This is helping me so much.
I hear you on this being 'growing pains:. I believe that too. I will feel this deep pain and suddenly, usually when I wake up in the morning, a great feeling of relief and growth happens in me. Like a load of dirt and stink has been cleaned out of me.
Oh goodness, yes. The cycles. AH is amazed every time they cycle through! He is like it has never happened before. It happens every month!!! He is oblivious.
I end up exhausted too. In his nasty phrase he wants to buy and do all sorts of insane things. With my money and that will impact on me. I have to stop him.
What I would like is to live with him for his the nice weeks, then send him somewhere for his nasty insane week!
Jerykle and Hyde.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 01:24:13 PM
Calm Lady said
Dec 4, 2016
You are right, El. It is rage building up in him. Like a pressure cooker, then it needs to come out. His only avenue to release it is to be nasty to me.
He never leaves the house. So the only person he has contact with is me. Boooooom!
Calm Lady said
Dec 5, 2016
........ And it passes. Big spurt of growth in me. Thanks for the support.
Back to being calm and laid back.
El said
Dec 5, 2016
Calm Lady,
So glad you are feeling better! It can certainly be so painful at times.....and at times I think, "what the HELL is wrong with me that I choose to stay?!?"
I think though that when the really rough stuff passes ( temporarily) we can catch our breath, regain our equilibrium, and feel OK, calm, and somewhat serene. My H is in his build up phase..".I can feel him gearing up.....lol. Batten down the hatches!!
The good news is we are getting farther into our recoveries and bounce back quicker!
Again, I think you are doing great! Big hugs to you. I am so glad to have your support and to read about your progress.
Ellen
el-cee said
Dec 5, 2016
I also felt intense rage for a while when I first got recovery. It was like an awakening my eyes opening and God I was so angry. Angry as I realised how much crap I had allowed I was angry at me too. How the hell could I have allowed this for myself for so long. I could have committed murder during this time. I didn't and it passed but not after I vented my anger in a few different ways. It was replaced by joy. I think it's part of the program of our progress like you can't get to b without going through a.
On a practical note him playing loud music that is upsetting you can be stopped. You could disconnect the electricity or you could call the police. He's creating a disturbance and there is consequences for most folks for this carry on. This is unacceptable behaviour and it's boundaries through action that stop it and allow you to begin trusting that you can take care of yourself. It's not an easy road. Your doing great x
pinkchip said
Dec 5, 2016
Nothing to add but encouragement and praise. This work you are doing is HARD and you are really working! I know it is horribly painful but your courage in facing all this yucky stuff is so admirable and inspiring. It is like I can hear part of you saying "I refuse to be broken any more."
Calm Lady said
Dec 6, 2016
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement El, L-cee and Pink Chip
That was hard and painful. I am out the other side of it now, feeling calm and blissful. Clean.
A deep deep cleansing. All came up and out. This has been the biggest and most powerful work so far in my six year journey. My feeling is that what can up was the deepest buried and most yucky stuff. From many decades ago. When I learnt as a little kiddie to keep quiet, to stuff down my feelings, that my feelings were not valid or important in any way. I remember the pure fear of getting through the day.
What was also baffling is that on the outside family appeared financially well off and happy! People would often tell me I was lucky to have such a great dad!!
Façade.
Yes, PC, I refuse to be broken anymore, I am proud to be me. I like me.
My emotions are back in proper perspective.
Very grateful to this safe place.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 6th of December 2016 03:04:03 AM
el-cee said
Dec 6, 2016
Thats brilliant Calm Lady. Its like a purging of your soul, I hadn't thought of it in this way before but I just got the feeling it was necessary while I was going through it and in fact I kind of enjoyed it because it was like I was finally standing up for myself and even though my own behaviour during this time wasn't exactly great, I needed that period of time and it passed quite quickly .
When we are living in denial of the truth its all about stuffing down the feelings that are telling us no way this isnt right, for me its like now Im in recovery then no Im out in the light and so the truth is my friend now. I can live with the truth and part of learning about the truth for me was finally seeing the alcoholic as a sick person that was behaving just like a sick person and I was too and so this let me forgive and have compassion and when I replaced the anger, resentment, bitterness etc with these gold nuggets then I was free. This I think was my spiritual awakening. Thank you for sharing your journey here, I so relate and its good for me to relate.x
Hey all
Haven't posted for a while. Been working my program and growing.
Just wanted to kind of say out loud that as I move forward I am finding AHs drinking behaviours far harder to cope with. I obviously practice 'detach with love,' I move away, don't engage etc but wow, whereas in the past in my numb state the drinking and drunk stuff didn't particularly bother me. Now I find it very irritating. Very.
I resent it. That it is me that has to leave the room, dodge around it, come downstairs to a passed out drunk every morning.
All things that I suspect a normal, healthy person would have found unacceptable the whole time. Whereas I accepted them as ok behaviours before.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:06:59 PM
I understand also...that is how I felt early on myself and it was the help of the fellowship and my sponsor to tell me that the program wasn't for me to gain and exert power over my alcoholic/addict wife and for me to gain and exert power over my non-working thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I had arrived at the default thought, feeling and behavior that she was a "bad" person...truthfully a bitch...I saw nothing good in her and refused to try until the program using a inventory of myself helped me to see what was going on with me that caused so much negativity which often resulted in rage which I hated in myself. I hated her, I hated myself, I hated everything...I found habitual hatred until "I came to understand".
I ramped up my recovery and found the miracles of the program.
Keep coming back Calm Lady...keep practicing, practicing, practicing. This is all about you. ((((
))))
For the record, it was about half-and-half unacceptable behavior from my qualifier, and unacceptable behavior from me!
Kenny
Many thanks for the shares.a
Yes, what i was getting at is that MY view of behaviours was totally distorted. Coming from an alcoholic home, I am beginning to see reality. Things I thought were normal are not.
I am starting to come out of the fog, seeing things as they are. Not judging AH, more me waking up to the real world.
I am rather surprised at what I see and how I feel now.
My point being I didn't know what was acceptable and what was not. I don't hate AH, I just didn't realise how intense the drunk behaviours are. And yes, normal people would find them irritating. Because they are. I was in deep denial and believed I didn't find them irritating. That was my dysfunction.
Life is becoming in full colour, like in The Wizard of Oz.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:40:21 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 2nd of December 2016 01:55:40 PM
I had to line up with the irrational mood swings of those around me.
I was not allowed feelings. I had to be an extra in the theatre play of happy families that my family, then Ah wanted to portray.
I shut down. Didn't trust my feelings. I had been told they were wrong so many times. Told what I saw and felt was wrong. Gaslighting. I was numb to the dangerous insanity I was living in.
Now all these decades later, my feelings, instincts, intuition is coming back.
(I was feeling rage and tears at the time but figured that joy wasn't going be far behind!)
I love, just love, reading this post, I take from it that our feelings, instincts and intuition stay close by and that they know when they are invited to return. We just have to be open enough to send them an invite! Thank you for this thread ((((Calm Lady))))
I feared AH from a deeply irrational place. There is nothing he can do to harm me (he isn't violent, never has been). I grew up in extreme violence.
That fear followed me. I couldn't protect myself as a kid, also you could never judge when the violence would explode. No consistency in it. Mum was the violent one. Nasty, with weapons.
Also my dad was a sexually creepy drunk. Ewwwwwwwww, just thinking about it. Ewwwwwwwww. Again I was told I was wrong about that. I was told he was a lovely man. No, he wasn't he was a predator. Just walking past him, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
I am letting my feelings in. Darn scary. But good.
Ok so I had it drummed into me that I wasn't allowed to mind when the drunk with me was being obnoxious and loud in public, say a restaurant for example. No, I am not allowed to mind that. Well i do, which is why I don't go out with AH. Ever!
(((Calm One)))
It is with my sponsor that I learned how to feel the feeling, talk it out and then decide that which really affected 'me' vs. that which was not my business. I have slowly set and enforced boundaries around those which affect me and it's worked well. Detaching saved my bacon for a long while and still does. It's healthy boundary setting that allowed me to save face, and say what I need to say with grace and dignity.
I am glad that things are clearer and clearer for you! I agree with Milkwood - we have to first learn to feel and then before you know it ... there are many more positive moments in a day vs. numb/frustrating. That's how it worked for me...those can and do flip if I let my program slip.
(((Hugs)))
I am finding my voice and learning to protect myself, with the help of the program. One day at a time. It's hard not to let the pendulum swing so far in the opposite direction after a lifetime of extreme dysfunction. Searching for balance here. Cathy
Thank you Kenny, IAmHere and Cathy.
Finding it very difficult. Feels like the feelings will eat me up. AH just doing what he normally does but feels incredibly amplified. Like my body burning. He is upstairs blasting out loud music at present. He likes to bait me. Get a reaction.
Normally I ignore it all but it feels like I will explode with anger.
Spoken with my sponsor but feel ill with it.
Also feel sick at my choice of being with an active alcoholic.
Thank you, Cathy. You have given me a good word 'groomed' not to object. Exactly right.
H turning music up even louder in attempt to further bait. Normally i would go out of the house but ies dark here now.
H has mental health issues as well as being an A.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 11:59:43 AM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 12:08:27 PM
Perhaps I need to alter my user name for a while from Calm Lady, to Raging Nutcase!
I just need to say this, I said it recently but need to say it now too, i really don't like AH. There is nothing to like. He is empty. There is just nothing there.
The stress of getting rid of him at present feels way beyond being possible.
Plus I know that he has an abuse cycle. He is currently is nasty part of it, it will change in a day or two to him being soft, gentle and ok to be around. Still empty. But not trying to bait me or cause a fight.
His cycle is roughly three pleasant weeks, then a few days of nasty, a couple of transition days from pleasant to nasty.
Yes. I know this is Al-anon and my focus is on me. However I do have the right to state all of this. Unlike in the past when I thought I didn't have the right to tell things as they truthfully are.
Meant to pretend. I can't pretend any more. My growth and recovery will not allow it.
Yes there is a great big elephant in the room that I believed I had to pretend not to see.
I can see it.
As a kid I wasn't allowed to see it. In my marriage I wasn't allowed to see t.
Yep, it's definitely there. I have been walking around it for years.
H very strongly wants me to pretend we live a normal life. We don't. We really really don't.
His drinking isn't actually that big a deal to me. It the pretending that makes me crazy.
Thanks Serenity, it IS very freeing!
I cannot unsee the elephant. It is there.
As I say there is a mix of mental illness plus alcoholism going on, plus throw in a king baby attitude.
There! Said it!
Along with utterly self induced very severe physical damage of H's body. He can hardly walk now. Severe heart failure, neuropathy which we are meant to pretend were not caused by his drinking. The various doctors who have said this have been wiped from his memory.
But, no. We are meant to pretend he is just unlucky with his health!
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 01:25:59 PM
Ahhhh, I can relate to the cycles in personality. The build-up, the rage and back to calm. Now during buildup, I make my plans and stick close to HP because I know it's going to be a tough week or two. It is such an effort to not retaliate, but I only end up exhausted and H just goes about being himself. The only one affected is me! So, I try really hard to choose peace. I am not always successful, but much better than I used to be.
You have been doing great, Calm Lady. Sounds like more growth is coming your way and these are your growing pains. Hang in there!
(((Hugs)))
Many thanks, El.
This is helping me so much.
I hear you on this being 'growing pains:. I believe that too. I will feel this deep pain and suddenly, usually when I wake up in the morning, a great feeling of relief and growth happens in me. Like a load of dirt and stink has been cleaned out of me.
Oh goodness, yes. The cycles. AH is amazed every time they cycle through! He is like it has never happened before. It happens every month!!! He is oblivious.
I end up exhausted too. In his nasty phrase he wants to buy and do all sorts of insane things. With my money and that will impact on me. I have to stop him.
What I would like is to live with him for his the nice weeks, then send him somewhere for his nasty insane week!
Jerykle and Hyde.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 4th of December 2016 01:24:13 PM
He never leaves the house. So the only person he has contact with is me. Boooooom!
Back to being calm and laid back.
Calm Lady,
So glad you are feeling better! It can certainly be so painful at times.....and at times I think, "what the HELL is wrong with me that I choose to stay?!?"
I think though that when the really rough stuff passes ( temporarily) we can catch our breath, regain our equilibrium, and feel OK, calm, and somewhat serene. My H is in his build up phase..".I can feel him gearing up.....lol. Batten down the hatches!!
The good news is we are getting farther into our recoveries and bounce back quicker!
Again, I think you are doing great! Big hugs to you. I am so glad to have your support and to read about your progress.
Ellen
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement El, L-cee and Pink Chip
That was hard and painful. I am out the other side of it now, feeling calm and blissful. Clean.
A deep deep cleansing. All came up and out. This has been the biggest and most powerful work so far in my six year journey. My feeling is that what can up was the deepest buried and most yucky stuff. From many decades ago. When I learnt as a little kiddie to keep quiet, to stuff down my feelings, that my feelings were not valid or important in any way. I remember the pure fear of getting through the day.
What was also baffling is that on the outside family appeared financially well off and happy! People would often tell me I was lucky to have such a great dad!!
Façade.
Yes, PC, I refuse to be broken anymore, I am proud to be me. I like me.
My emotions are back in proper perspective.
Very grateful to this safe place.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 6th of December 2016 03:04:03 AM
When we are living in denial of the truth its all about stuffing down the feelings that are telling us no way this isnt right, for me its like now Im in recovery then no Im out in the light and so the truth is my friend now. I can live with the truth and part of learning about the truth for me was finally seeing the alcoholic as a sick person that was behaving just like a sick person and I was too and so this let me forgive and have compassion and when I replaced the anger, resentment, bitterness etc with these gold nuggets then I was free. This I think was my spiritual awakening. Thank you for sharing your journey here, I so relate and its good for me to relate.x