I am new to this group and have already taken comfort from reading your messages.
My husband and I have now separated because he is an alcoholic. I am incredibly sad about this and struggling to come to terms with it because I love him but I had to end it for a number of reasons but mainly because he drinks around our children, and is nasty with me when he has been drinking.
He had a detox in sept and was sober for 2 months until we attended a function, in which he insisted he was ready to have 'a couple of shandys' he wasn't and it went back to square 1.....!
He still insists he does not have to abstain from alcohol altogether, and says he will never be able to do that because he wants to be a social drinker! Plus says he has been told by professionals he can still drink socially?
Over the past year I have tried everything to stop him drinking, including taking all his wage and buying things for him but his mother (an entirely different problem) kept giving him money behind my back (despite me begging her not to. I knew because he was drunk everytime she had been while I was working plus theyve both now admitted it).
I'm really struggling to cope with all of this, he is living with his mother now and I've had to block both of their numbers to my phone because I feel like I'm going insane. I'm angry with her because I feel she should be more tough on him but I feel she is angry with me (though she won't admit it) because she thinks I'm too tough on him!
So now I'm not only working a full time (stressful) job and raising the children alone but also worrying about them! I feel like I'v0e spent the past year banging my head against a brick wall. I want things to improve and want us to get back together but I'm also really embarrassed about what others think! I feel like I am to blame sometimes, and don't want my relationship to fail.
My main question is can this be resolved or is it time I moved on without him?
He has had a detox so what else can the dr do?
Thanks in advance x
hotrod said
Dec 2, 2016
Hello Joanne Welcome, Alcoholism is indeed a confusing, chronic progressive disease over which we are POWERLESS. You did not cause it, can not control it and cannot cure it.
Alanon is a recovery program established for families of alcoholics, because living with the disease causes many to develop negative coping tools to be able to live with the insanity. Alanon holds face to face meetign in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease and developed new tools to live . Finding a supportive network of people who truly understood was helpful.
Please keep coming back There is help and hope.
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 2, 2016
HI Josie,
As Betty said, you didn't cause it can't control it, and won't cure it. it is completely up to him as to whether he wants to recover from this dreadful disease or not. You can't do it for him, just like you don't lift the booze up to his mouth and make him drink.
Finding Al Anon meetings helped me a lot with my situation. My wife is in recovery now, but even then Al Anon is a huge help to me to understand what I own and what she owns. I have found that I am a perfectionist, and I desperately don't want my marriage to fail, because then I would have failed. I have found that a failed marriage wouldn't be all my fault, and that failure isn't always bad, and that a divorce is not really even failure, just a state. That is a lot of things for me to discover, and took quite a bit of work on my part to find out about myself. With Al Anon, working the steps, having a sponsor, you can find out some of these truths about yourself as well. I'm not saying the truths I just listed are yours, your own truths are waiting to be discovered by you!
As far as what else can be done by him, ther are plenty of things. Detox is simply a medical watch to make sure he doesn't have convulsions or other medically-challenging problems from coming down. Recovery is what he would need after detox, going to AA or some other group, understanding himself and understanding those same truths. Learning how to deal with life on life's terms, not by retreating behind a bottle. This is a huge process, and if not started, in general his alcoholism will get progressively worse. That's not just according to me, but according to the American Medical Association.
I hope you can find meetings to go to, or there are also online meetings available here. Keep coming back!
Kenny
Jerry F said
Dec 2, 2016
Aloha Josie and welcome to the board...Confusion is a starting point for those who are wanting to understand and then to be out of this insane condition of alcoholism. This disease is mind and mood altering which isn't a normal way of existing for the alcoholic or those affected by someone else's drinking which is how and why the Al-Anon Family Groups came into existence. Al-Anon was started and formed by the wives of them most early members of Alcoholics Anonymous and continues to grow on a daily basis to be in support to the wives, family, friends and associates of alcoholics in most countries on the planet. We are over 65 years old and aging very gracefully.
I was very confused when I first found the doors of this program and came to understand that I didn't know anything about alcoholism or the alcoholic and didn't know that I didn't know...why? I was born into it and the sickness and insanity was daily life for me.
Thank God for the program which mimics AA recovery though we do not have a problem with the chemical ourselves. Does that make sense to you or is that more confusing?
Most of my problem was with the drinker and not the drink at first. I was most addicted to her and came to understand that I would be as affected or worse as the alcoholic if I continued to participate as I did and would not change my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
I was very, very sick by then and was willing to do anything to get sane. I've been in the program for a long time one day at a time and no longer suffer as I use to. Al-Anon removes my confusion by giving me 20/20 understanding of what is going on with me while the disease runs. It gives me solutions I can practice that are very different than what I use to do that didn't work and resulted in insanity.
Miracles in Progress is place I stop at daily and several times daily to listen and learn and to pass on what I have learned that works for me and may work for someone else and remove some of their confusion. I hope some of this might have helped you. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
ItsAllAboutMeMC said
Dec 2, 2016
Welcome JosieP you are in the right place. I understand your struggle its hard to leave someone you love especially when they are not doing well. I can't tell you weather it will be resolved, I can only say that its important to take advantage of this time you have away from your alcoholic. I did not realize how much I neglected myself and other relationships until I actually stepped away from my now ex. Now I know some people who have been able to do that while still with their alcoholic. I personally could not at least not at this time. I still love my ex very much and I would love to be in a healthy relationship with him. I'm just not sure that's possible but I have hope. I don't have any expectations as that got me in this mess in the first place. The wonderful thing about this program is I realize how much those two things are truly different. If you have meetings in your area try to make one. I can't tell you how much better I felt just from hearing others tell their stories. I'm not really a talker and I'm still trying to find my voice at meetings but that's ok I know I'll get there. I hope you find comfort as well <3
Enigmatic said
Dec 2, 2016
Welcome, Josie, so glad you found us. When I arrived at AlAnon I had exhausted myself trying to plan, fix, adjust, deal, direct, coerce and threaten the drinker in my life. I started attending face to face meetings and reading the books put out by AlAnon, and found answers that helped me understand things so much better. I found instant relief when I understood what I could do that would allow me to find peace and would be most helpful in the long run for my qualifier (the person in my life who drank alcohol).
As others have shared, I recommend finding an AlAnon meeting if possible try it out. I have found incredible strength, guidance, and hope through the AlAnon program and hope you can do. Hang in there, and keep coming back
Iamhere said
Dec 2, 2016
I too send warm welcomes to you Josie! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. The disease is baffling, cunning and powerful. Denial is a huge part of the disease and it can be very overwhelming. Local F2F (face-to-face) Al-Anon meetings will give you support from others who also live with or love someone with the disease (whether they are actively drinking or in recovery). Al-Anon also gave me a safe place to share, listen, learn and understand without judgement or advice.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Mcat54 said
Dec 3, 2016
Hi Josie, and welcome. I had a big aha moment after I separated from my spouse many years ago when my daughter was a baby. Someone shared in a meeting about trusting ourselves and looking at our thoughts vs what's really happening. In my case, I realized I could trust myself to take care of everything, as I had been all along. The absence of daily stress and conflict with the 200-pound toddler made a big difference for my daughter and me. Lots of challenges, of course, as a single mom, which I won't go into. Every choice brings its own implications.
Today, my daughter (26) has a close relationship with her dad, and he says the divorce is what forced him to forge that. He's grateful that he had to take responsibility, and admits he probably wouldn't have if we hadn't divorced. Of course, every situation is different but this was a blessing for my daughter.
Since you're busy with the kiddos, it may be helpful to know there are many online meetings and recorded al-anon speakers, speaker apps and literature. I read literature on my phone as I walk from the parking lot to my desk each day. Keep coming back. You're among people who care.
Cathy
I am new to this group and have already taken comfort from reading your messages.
My husband and I have now separated because he is an alcoholic. I am incredibly sad about this and struggling to come to terms with it because I love him but I had to end it for a number of reasons but mainly because he drinks around our children, and is nasty with me when he has been drinking.
He had a detox in sept and was sober for 2 months until we attended a function, in which he insisted he was ready to have 'a couple of shandys' he wasn't and it went back to square 1.....!
He still insists he does not have to abstain from alcohol altogether, and says he will never be able to do that because he wants to be a social drinker! Plus says he has been told by professionals he can still drink socially?
Over the past year I have tried everything to stop him drinking, including taking all his wage and buying things for him but his mother (an entirely different problem) kept giving him money behind my back (despite me begging her not to. I knew because he was drunk everytime she had been while I was working plus theyve both now admitted it).
I'm really struggling to cope with all of this, he is living with his mother now and I've had to block both of their numbers to my phone because I feel like I'm going insane. I'm angry with her because I feel she should be more tough on him but I feel she is angry with me (though she won't admit it) because she thinks I'm too tough on him!
So now I'm not only working a full time (stressful) job and raising the children alone but also worrying about them! I feel like I'v0e spent the past year banging my head against a brick wall. I want things to improve and want us to get back together but I'm also really embarrassed about what others think! I feel like I am to blame sometimes, and don't want my relationship to fail.
My main question is can this be resolved or is it time I moved on without him?
He has had a detox so what else can the dr do?
Thanks in advance x
Hello Joanne Welcome, Alcoholism is indeed a confusing, chronic progressive disease over which we are POWERLESS. You did not cause it, can not control it and cannot cure it.
Alanon is a recovery program established for families of alcoholics, because living with the disease causes many to develop negative coping tools to be able to live with the insanity. Alanon holds face to face meetign in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease and developed new tools to live . Finding a supportive network of people who truly understood was helpful.
Please keep coming back There is help and hope.
As Betty said, you didn't cause it can't control it, and won't cure it. it is completely up to him as to whether he wants to recover from this dreadful disease or not. You can't do it for him, just like you don't lift the booze up to his mouth and make him drink.
Finding Al Anon meetings helped me a lot with my situation. My wife is in recovery now, but even then Al Anon is a huge help to me to understand what I own and what she owns. I have found that I am a perfectionist, and I desperately don't want my marriage to fail, because then I would have failed. I have found that a failed marriage wouldn't be all my fault, and that failure isn't always bad, and that a divorce is not really even failure, just a state. That is a lot of things for me to discover, and took quite a bit of work on my part to find out about myself. With Al Anon, working the steps, having a sponsor, you can find out some of these truths about yourself as well. I'm not saying the truths I just listed are yours, your own truths are waiting to be discovered by you!
As far as what else can be done by him, ther are plenty of things. Detox is simply a medical watch to make sure he doesn't have convulsions or other medically-challenging problems from coming down. Recovery is what he would need after detox, going to AA or some other group, understanding himself and understanding those same truths. Learning how to deal with life on life's terms, not by retreating behind a bottle. This is a huge process, and if not started, in general his alcoholism will get progressively worse. That's not just according to me, but according to the American Medical Association.
I hope you can find meetings to go to, or there are also online meetings available here. Keep coming back!
Kenny
Aloha Josie and welcome to the board...Confusion is a starting point for those who are wanting to understand and then to be out of this insane condition of alcoholism. This disease is mind and mood altering which isn't a normal way of existing for the alcoholic or those affected by someone else's drinking which is how and why the Al-Anon Family Groups came into existence. Al-Anon was started and formed by the wives of them most early members of Alcoholics Anonymous and continues to grow on a daily basis to be in support to the wives, family, friends and associates of alcoholics in most countries on the planet. We are over 65 years old and aging very gracefully.
I was very confused when I first found the doors of this program and came to understand that I didn't know anything about alcoholism or the alcoholic and didn't know that I didn't know...why? I was born into it and the sickness and insanity was daily life for me.
Thank God for the program which mimics AA recovery though we do not have a problem with the chemical ourselves. Does that make sense to you or is that more confusing?
Most of my problem was with the drinker and not the drink at first. I was most addicted to her and came to understand that I would be as affected or worse as the alcoholic if I continued to participate as I did and would not change my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
I was very, very sick by then and was willing to do anything to get sane. I've been in the program for a long time one day at a time and no longer suffer as I use to. Al-Anon removes my confusion by giving me 20/20 understanding of what is going on with me while the disease runs. It gives me solutions I can practice that are very different than what I use to do that didn't work and resulted in insanity.
Miracles in Progress is place I stop at daily and several times daily to listen and learn and to pass on what I have learned that works for me and may work for someone else and remove some of their confusion. I hope some of this might have helped you. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Welcome JosieP you are in the right place. I understand your struggle its hard to leave someone you love especially when they are not doing well. I can't tell you weather it will be resolved, I can only say that its important to take advantage of this time you have away from your alcoholic. I did not realize how much I neglected myself and other relationships until I actually stepped away from my now ex. Now I know some people who have been able to do that while still with their alcoholic. I personally could not at least not at this time. I still love my ex very much and I would love to be in a healthy relationship with him. I'm just not sure that's possible but I have hope. I don't have any expectations as that got me in this mess in the first place. The wonderful thing about this program is I realize how much those two things are truly different. If you have meetings in your area try to make one. I can't tell you how much better I felt just from hearing others tell their stories. I'm not really a talker and I'm still trying to find my voice at meetings but that's ok I know I'll get there. I hope you find comfort as well <3
As others have shared, I recommend finding an AlAnon meeting if possible try it out. I have found incredible strength, guidance, and hope through the AlAnon program and hope you can do. Hang in there, and keep coming back
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Today, my daughter (26) has a close relationship with her dad, and he says the divorce is what forced him to forge that. He's grateful that he had to take responsibility, and admits he probably wouldn't have if we hadn't divorced. Of course, every situation is different but this was a blessing for my daughter.
Since you're busy with the kiddos, it may be helpful to know there are many online meetings and recorded al-anon speakers, speaker apps and literature. I read literature on my phone as I walk from the parking lot to my desk each day. Keep coming back. You're among people who care.
Cathy