I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. All my pent up anger has turned me into an asshole over the years...i just masked it as being 'authentic'....this is no longer a one off...this is a pattern I exhibit and it was only a matter of time before I could no longer get away with it.....i'm the common denominator. It's not the groups.
I hate this...i hate that I can't connect with people....that i can't have a normal conversation....that i cant love and therefore noone can love me back...i have no deep intimate connection with anything...I feel so numb and empty...all this time i thought i was a really likeable guy that impressed people by going after what he wanted....helping people with my 'advice'... I feel so broken..i fear i am beyond repair and i dont know where to go from here.....
Thanks for listening
hotrod said
Dec 1, 2016
((SJ)) great awareness and acceptance in this thread. This is a very important 4th, 5 th and 6 th Step.. Great courage on your part .
There is hope so simply keep on working the Steps.
el-cee said
Dec 2, 2016
Great step work in this Jim. Thanks for sharing with honesty and having the courage to look in, some people just cant do it.
You say you have no where to go, what about Alanon meetings in your area? Begin working the steps with commitment and you wont be an asshole for long or not as much anyway, lol.
You have been effected by alcoholism and this distorts our thinking, we get huge egos but with very low self esteem so we are either below others or above them, none of its a true perception of who we are. We are a mixture of good and bad parts or useful and not useful parts and we are neither above or below anyone else. Alanon got me close to feeling like an equal and my behaviour when I'm living within the alanon principles ensures I behave myself and carry myself with dignity and kindness and understanding and then I actually like myself more and more. At meetings I find Im accepted, all of me, im shown how it works and I get peace, serenity, love and understanding, along with hugs and friendship and connections with others. You deserve that Jim.x
Iamhere said
Dec 2, 2016
(((SJ))) - huge hugs to you.....I am reminded that recovery is about progress and not perfection. My experience is I can be my own best advocate and/or I can be my worst critic. In working the steps and doing many inventories, I always come back to this 'defect' of black/white thinking. I have a very lovely, gentle sponsor who has shown me by example that shades of gray is a much simpler way to process and to live.
We are imperfect humans, dealing and connecting with other imperfect humans. We also live in an imperfect world. Relationships of any kind are challenging with healthy folks because we all have different value sets and influences. Add any 'ism' to that fix, and it just gets more complicated!
The way I try to move forward from moments of self-pity or self-loathing is our program. For me, I do start my day over if/when I need to. I return to my knees for my morning prayers and meditation. I open my literature for my morning meetings. I plan my day around my need for recovery support. I just go back to the basics, including the steps. It is so, so easy for my mind to forget I am powerless over many, many things - but I have power completely within with my HP to change my attitude, my outlook and my being.
Anytime I am 'left or right of my center', I go to any lengths I can to get back to the middle of my boat. That for me begins with today, just today. I love this poem and it speaks volumes to me -
Look To This Day
Look To This Day Poem
Look To This Day
For it is life The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence
the joy of growth
the glory of action
the splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is already a memory
and tomorrow is only a vision
but today well lived makes every
yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Be gentle with you - you are a child of our creator and are loving and lovable. I believe our HP wants us to be Happy, Joyous and Free and leads us to the path necessary. For me, this is our program, our steps, our suggestions and our slogans. One Day at a Time - you got this!
Lucy125 said
Dec 2, 2016
Right now I am working on my own self pity. One thing that I think gets me on the wrong track is always focusing on the negative. So I try to find some positive things to focus on each day. Baby steps will get you there. Go watch that movie What About Bob? Think about the good you do, think on the successes even if they are small. I believe it's in the Bible: As a Man thinks, so is he.
Jerry F said
Dec 2, 2016
My former sponsor Don'T just nudged me (in spirit) and told me to ask you a question that he himself asked me when I was in this same place.
Ready?
"Could you be wrong?"
I was a very sick person using some very broken tools and experiences that told me I was worthless and the question jarred me. "Could I be wrong"? I didn't dare answer that question "No". I would have to add much too much weight to my poor me attitude with it so I kept quiet and did a more honest inventory of myself. This program works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
tiredtonite said
Dec 3, 2016
Imperfectly lovable, always. This is the kind of self acceptance I try to keep in front of me as I work this program one day at a time. Jim... there are no absolutes concerning our shortcomings and character defects. Picking up the emotional hammer and verbally beating myself up only hurts me. Fear of abandonment, vulnerability, failure can seem insurmountable before Alanon recovery. Thank goodness for the steps/traditions, Alanon meetings, sponsor and last but definitely not least, my loving higher power who is always there waiting for me to seek them.
We're told in Alanon that on the flip side of every defect there is an asset. I really liked hearing that because it offered hope to me. Maybe my perception of myself as damaged goods was wrong. Maybe I was just like everyone else - imperfectly human, shining in some moments, dim in others and perfectly lovable as is.
When I'm just not feeling it, I know the face to face rooms of Alanon are filled with unconditional love and acceptance - it's where I go, to listen, share and release what's heavy on my heart. This board and prayers to my hp also help. We are not alone, we are lovable and we are worth it.
Thank you for your share. I hope the loving responses here add to your day in a positive way today. Keep coming back. TT
slogan_jim said
Dec 3, 2016
Thanks Guys,
I'm feeling better today and putting more things in perspective.
This has always clashed with the alcoholic, who was an extrovert. I always desired peace and quiet, honnesty and intimacy in my relationships. The alcoholic was very superficial, manipulative and a professional liar.
Extroverted does not equal alcoholic, but I have always been drawn to these extroverted types as they provide something to me that I can't. They give me a chance to meet more people than I otherwise wouldn't. However a lot of these people are also extroverted and value surface level superficial conversation. They like hanging out in big groups and that drains me.
What happens is that because I can't or they won't allow me to get past the surface level stuff, (omg, lol, look at my new car, listen about my vacation) I act out and try to call them on their s**t...that new car put them into major debt...you can afford that trip because your parents support you as a grown adult, etc.......I get upset that I can't be me and I in turn wind up looking like the crazy one and everyone confuses my indifference with bitterness. This stuff shouldn't bother me, but just like the alcoholic did, I feel on some level I am being lied to and manipulated.
Thanks for listening.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 3, 2016
Hugs SJ,
You have NO idea how much I relate to what you posted originally and this last follow up post .. it's incredibly frustrating to try and do my best to connect with others specially in romantic types of relationships and just not know how in the heck to process what I'm feeling. I hate that, I am in the middle of a massive adult tantrum not because someone has wronged me in some way well .. I take that back "I" feel wronged how much is ego and how much is actual oh I really feel put out .. LOL.
For me as I judge others I am the one I need to look at and that's been easier to stay in my hula hoop as much as the slogan what other people think of me is none of my business so is some things are just none of my business and I can be happy and grateful focusing on the positive of what someone brings vs dwelling on what they should or shouldn't be doing.
It's my fear at the moment that has me all wonky .. ok .. in my case fear and paramenopause which is such a treat. So I am trying to learn to function with another human being accept my short comings and feeling that I am being criticized which may or may not be real .. it may all be my perception based upon the issue of my childhood which I am apparently still trying to deal with .. it's completely ridiculous on my part. Or at least I feel it's that way.
Dealing with someone else who is brooding seriously is ticking me off. They have the nerve to interfere and brood while I'm brooding .. LOL .. reminds me of my mother and her past behavior .. if I had a cut she had one that had to have stitches .. it was never just I have a cut and the response which was reasonable .. let me look at that for you honey. That's what this feels like .. again .. what is real and what is perception .. I don't know.
It's like OMGOSH .. LOL .. seriously .. I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment too. It's like discovering that I am moody and maybe I really am that unlovable .. LOL .. I don't know. I know logically I am .. my behavior doesn't feel lovable and I'm not clear what to do with that exactly.
Anyway, thank you so much for your honest share because again .. I can totally relate.
Hugs ..
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2016
Glad things have improved for you today SJ --- I love how you shared and then turned back to you/your HP for processing. I always feel very blessed to have this program when I see it in action.
((SJ)) great awareness and acceptance in this thread. This is a very important 4th, 5 th and 6 th Step.. Great courage on your part .
There is hope so simply keep on working the Steps.
Great step work in this Jim. Thanks for sharing with honesty and having the courage to look in, some people just cant do it.
You say you have no where to go, what about Alanon meetings in your area? Begin working the steps with commitment and you wont be an asshole for long or not as much anyway, lol.
You have been effected by alcoholism and this distorts our thinking, we get huge egos but with very low self esteem so we are either below others or above them, none of its a true perception of who we are. We are a mixture of good and bad parts or useful and not useful parts and we are neither above or below anyone else. Alanon got me close to feeling like an equal and my behaviour when I'm living within the alanon principles ensures I behave myself and carry myself with dignity and kindness and understanding and then I actually like myself more and more. At meetings I find Im accepted, all of me, im shown how it works and I get peace, serenity, love and understanding, along with hugs and friendship and connections with others. You deserve that Jim.x
We are imperfect humans, dealing and connecting with other imperfect humans. We also live in an imperfect world. Relationships of any kind are challenging with healthy folks because we all have different value sets and influences. Add any 'ism' to that fix, and it just gets more complicated!
The way I try to move forward from moments of self-pity or self-loathing is our program. For me, I do start my day over if/when I need to. I return to my knees for my morning prayers and meditation. I open my literature for my morning meetings. I plan my day around my need for recovery support. I just go back to the basics, including the steps. It is so, so easy for my mind to forget I am powerless over many, many things - but I have power completely within with my HP to change my attitude, my outlook and my being.
Anytime I am 'left or right of my center', I go to any lengths I can to get back to the middle of my boat. That for me begins with today, just today. I love this poem and it speaks volumes to me -
Look To This Day
Look To This Day Poem
Look To This Day
For it is life The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence
the joy of growth
the glory of action
the splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is already a memory
and tomorrow is only a vision
but today well lived makes every
yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Be gentle with you - you are a child of our creator and are loving and lovable. I believe our HP wants us to be Happy, Joyous and Free and leads us to the path necessary. For me, this is our program, our steps, our suggestions and our slogans. One Day at a Time - you got this!
Right now I am working on my own self pity. One thing that I think gets me on the wrong track is always focusing on the negative. So I try to find some positive things to focus on each day. Baby steps will get you there. Go watch that movie What About Bob? Think about the good you do, think on the successes even if they are small. I believe it's in the Bible: As a Man thinks, so is he.
My former sponsor Don'T just nudged me (in spirit) and told me to ask you a question that he himself asked me when I was in this same place.
Ready?
"Could you be wrong?"
I was a very sick person using some very broken tools and experiences that told me I was worthless and the question jarred me. "Could I be wrong"? I didn't dare answer that question "No". I would have to add much too much weight to my poor me attitude with it so I kept quiet and did a more honest inventory of myself. This program works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
Imperfectly lovable, always. This is the kind of self acceptance I try to keep in front of me as I work this program one day at a time. Jim... there are no absolutes concerning our shortcomings and character defects. Picking up the emotional hammer and verbally beating myself up only hurts me. Fear of abandonment, vulnerability, failure can seem insurmountable before Alanon recovery. Thank goodness for the steps/traditions, Alanon meetings, sponsor and last but definitely not least, my loving higher power who is always there waiting for me to seek them.
We're told in Alanon that on the flip side of every defect there is an asset. I really liked hearing that because it offered hope to me. Maybe my perception of myself as damaged goods was wrong. Maybe I was just like everyone else - imperfectly human, shining in some moments, dim in others and perfectly lovable as is.
When I'm just not feeling it, I know the face to face rooms of Alanon are filled with unconditional love and acceptance - it's where I go, to listen, share and release what's heavy on my heart. This board and prayers to my hp also help. We are not alone, we are lovable and we are worth it.
Thank you for your share. I hope the loving responses here add to your day in a positive way today. Keep coming back. TT
Thanks Guys,
I'm feeling better today and putting more things in perspective.
One thing I've realized over the last few years is that I have a very Introverted Personality (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert).
This has always clashed with the alcoholic, who was an extrovert. I always desired peace and quiet, honnesty and intimacy in my relationships. The alcoholic was very superficial, manipulative and a professional liar.
Extroverted does not equal alcoholic, but I have always been drawn to these extroverted types as they provide something to me that I can't. They give me a chance to meet more people than I otherwise wouldn't. However a lot of these people are also extroverted and value surface level superficial conversation. They like hanging out in big groups and that drains me.
What happens is that because I can't or they won't allow me to get past the surface level stuff, (omg, lol, look at my new car, listen about my vacation) I act out and try to call them on their s**t...that new car put them into major debt...you can afford that trip because your parents support you as a grown adult, etc.......I get upset that I can't be me and I in turn wind up looking like the crazy one and everyone confuses my indifference with bitterness. This stuff shouldn't bother me, but just like the alcoholic did, I feel on some level I am being lied to and manipulated.
Thanks for listening.
You have NO idea how much I relate to what you posted originally and this last follow up post .. it's incredibly frustrating to try and do my best to connect with others specially in romantic types of relationships and just not know how in the heck to process what I'm feeling. I hate that, I am in the middle of a massive adult tantrum not because someone has wronged me in some way well .. I take that back "I" feel wronged how much is ego and how much is actual oh I really feel put out .. LOL.
For me as I judge others I am the one I need to look at and that's been easier to stay in my hula hoop as much as the slogan what other people think of me is none of my business so is some things are just none of my business and I can be happy and grateful focusing on the positive of what someone brings vs dwelling on what they should or shouldn't be doing.
It's my fear at the moment that has me all wonky .. ok .. in my case fear and paramenopause which is such a treat. So I am trying to learn to function with another human being accept my short comings and feeling that I am being criticized which may or may not be real .. it may all be my perception based upon the issue of my childhood which I am apparently still trying to deal with .. it's completely ridiculous on my part. Or at least I feel it's that way.
Dealing with someone else who is brooding seriously is ticking me off. They have the nerve to interfere and brood while I'm brooding .. LOL .. reminds me of my mother and her past behavior .. if I had a cut she had one that had to have stitches .. it was never just I have a cut and the response which was reasonable .. let me look at that for you honey. That's what this feels like .. again .. what is real and what is perception .. I don't know.
It's like OMGOSH .. LOL .. seriously .. I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment too. It's like discovering that I am moody and maybe I really am that unlovable .. LOL .. I don't know. I know logically I am .. my behavior doesn't feel lovable and I'm not clear what to do with that exactly.
Anyway, thank you so much for your honest share because again .. I can totally relate.
Hugs ..
Keep working it - it looks really good on you!