I asked my husband to leave because I don't deserve to be treated so badly: aiming fist at me and calling me names and demeaning my being a person. I don't know if he drank last friday but he came home later than usual. He keeps on saying bad words while sleeping friday night. Saturday was quiet, I tried avoiding too much conversation with him. But Saturday night he was becoming tight and hot headed and we got into a fight. Sunday morning he left telling me that he's leaving because that is what I wanted. I tried to explain that it's not in that context. I told him to just leave me if he thinks of me as such a very bad wife and person. He insisted I caused him to leave and so he did... and I'm hurting so much now... was it my fault... should i ask him to come back... should I just have not said a word in defense of myself... in my mind I know I shouldn't let him treat me so badly but it hurts... it hurts so much, consuming every strength left in me... I've been asking God to help us... I've been asking God why is He allowing this to happen to us... what wrong have I do
hotrod said
Nov 27, 2016
((Jocelgp)) I am sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Please try to take slow deep breaths. remember that HP is in control and that drawing a boundary is a healthy response in a relationship. Positive thoughts on the way
Jerry F said
Nov 27, 2016
J this is the insanity of the disease which we all suffer from. We want to be rid of it and then when that happens we get afraid and want to blame ourselves and have it go back to what???? insanity again??? Part of the literature of the program that I trusted when I was in your place was to "Abandon myself to God as I understand God..." and then I got very quiet with prayer and meditation. My HP doesn't want me insane or causing fault so I wait with my HP and ask, "Place me where you want me...Tell me what to do" and then I stay quiet and listen.
I'm sad with you as this happens. I am sad with all of us when this happens. ((((hugs))))
lookingup said
Nov 28, 2016
(((((( jocelgp))))) so glad your here,and shared.
This to shall pass.....that's what came to my mind reading your sharing ........stay strong ,keep coming back .....hugs Lu
el-cee said
Nov 28, 2016
I suggest attending face to face alanon meetings. This helped me see the truth of the life is was living and how it was only me that could change it.
milkwood said
Nov 28, 2016
((((((joceigp))))))
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt but so pleased that you came here to share it with us as well.
It is horrible that alcoholism creates such chaos and I have often grieved for what could have been. I found it to be a process. Looking for what I could have done differently to fix things never turned out as I hoped. When I 'gave up' and no longer tried to change things I found that some changes did start to happen. In the meantime, I took up yoga and meditation and joined an on-line course. I tried to nurture myself rather than my relationship and when my mind turned to thinking of AH or trying to figure out how it could have been different I came to realise that I needed to bring something positive into my life - I started with baking bread, painting fingernails, taking nice walks and now I've made a few quilts and painted a few nice paintings, I am just starting at university (oldest in my class of course!) and I am loving it. If you were watching a movie, how would you like to see the heroine reacting in a situation like this?
Learning to leave well alone and concentrate on myself was really really difficult, I felt full of anxiety and self-doubt for a while, but the more I progressed the better life got. It is a process me-thinks.
I love Lookingup's quote by Maya Angelo - listening to Maya's wisdom on line helped me through a rough patch!
Fooled said
Nov 28, 2016
((Jocelgp)) I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. I can feel you are in pain. You did nothing wrong. You do not deserve to be treated that way and I am sorry that your Husband chose to interpret those feelings of being mistreated into you telling him to leave. Alcoholics often twist words, thoughts, feelings to manipulate us so that they can continue to do what they do. I have been in your shoes and I can relate to what you are feeling right now. Fear, hurt, anger, confusion all rolled up into one.
He may come back on his own, he may not. If you feel you must call him and have him come back, its ok, its your choice. I am sure that God hears your prayers and has not abandoned you. In my own circumstance, he had something better in mind for me so therefore although it hurt like the dickens also came the wave of relief.
I hope that you get some relief from your pain soon. Distract yourself as mentioned above until you get your answer. Be good to yourself
SerenityRUS said
Nov 28, 2016
Welcome and I am also so sorry for the initial pain and stress specifically during the holidays. Please be gentle with yourself. It's a process of healing and it will be ok. I really had to keep my focus on the 3 C' s I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it. It being the disease. Face to face meetings and sponsors help a great deal. Hugs .. Keep coming back. ;) you are worth it!!
Rinn said
Nov 28, 2016
I am so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. Just remember put one foot in front of the other and eventually you can get through anything. We are here for you, keep comming back!
Jen61 said
Nov 29, 2016
Positive thoughts from me too!
Iamhere said
Nov 29, 2016
(((Jocel))) - I too am sending you prayers of support and positive thoughts.
jocelgp said
Nov 30, 2016
Thank you very much for all your encouragements. I thank God for you and this Board, should this have happened at the time I had no Al-anon tools yet I'm sure you will find me a terrible mess. Thank you for learning so much here, I am holding on to God for whatever future He has for me, I can honestly say I still love my husband and I understand where he is coming from. But I am letting go, you're right Fooled, he may come back or he may not, that is also beyond my control. I am surrendering him and lifting him up to God. And yes, I believe there is healing for him and for myself. As I continue to focus on myself, I am learning to love and accept myself with all my defects. I can feel in my heart that as I learn to love & accept myself I too will learn to love & accept my husband and others with all their defects.
Yes I did grieved for days, felt all the physical weakness, my eyes all puffed up with tears. I still hurt, I still cry but I am dismissing anger, hatred... I don't want to live in bitterness. I have forgiven my husband even when he is not sorry, I have asked forgiveness from him and insisted nothing even as he still blames me and has not forgiven me. I will remain married even when he has left me. I am dismissing all projections of the future, I can only live for the present moment, praying every moment.
hotrod said
Nov 30, 2016
Thank you Jocelgp for such an inspiring message of unconditional love and recovery Continued prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 30, 2016
Joc, big hugs again with a message to be very gentle with yourself. This is all going to ebb and flow. There may be hours you feel like an Illinois spring not sure if you are a tornado or a sunny day. You are right it's all out of your control. My HP's plan is far better than anything I have going on .. And just because A didn't work there are 26 letters in the alphabet. I strongly encourage you to take care of you. I just remember the gambit I ran and how difficult it was for me to work through things. Some days I have peace and some days I did not. You know it's ok. ;)
Jerry F said
Nov 30, 2016
How inspiring and memorial that share is. It speaks to the memories of when I got into program myself, what I was like, what happened and how it is now. I could hear the voice of my elder sponsor telling me on the subject of "offering her up"...."....and when you bring your hands back down make sure they are empty. Turn her over". Mahalo Jocelgp. ((((Hugs))))
KennyFenderjazz said
Nov 30, 2016
jocel, that was one of the most beautiful shares I have seen here. Big hugs to you!
Kenny
jocelgp said
Nov 30, 2016
Thank you Jerry for sharing this: "....and when you bring your hands back down make sure they are empty..."
Letting go and letting GOD is much more hurting than losing... so much grief in losing and much much more in letting go...
Thanks everyone for your hugs and prayers
Jerry F said
Dec 1, 2016
When I learned to rely on that it was the best place for me to place my alcoholic/addict wife; that God would have her, my fear went away. ((((Hugs))))
MeTwo2 said
Dec 1, 2016
We want to be rid of it and then when that happens we get afraid and want to blame ourselves and have it go back to what???? insanity again??? jerry this is hugely insightful for me .. relating to this through the times i have thought of how much i give to god then take back .. later recognised the real giving was through the 4th and 5th ... this was how i gave without taking in the steps walk .. but seeing this now different .. same with my own ex .. we want to be rid of it .. the chaos but then through fear take it back continually .. will definitely be letting this one simmer .. thank you from me too .. this speaks 'volumes ..
(jocelgp) i have been where you are and i too recommend face to face meetings .. the power in the program is love .. (higher love) for me another word i use in place of that is divine ?
reasoning with others there and here on this board is so much better than trying to 'reason with an alcoholic who has very much become irritable and unreasonable .. blaming to 'justify their choices .. for not wanting or being able yet to face themselves .. i finally realised every time i tried to reason there i would be sucked into the feelings and madness of it all .. wasn't a good ride . it was a merry go round .. recovery can feel like a merry go round too but a much slower turning one that is actually enjoyable .. there was a time when i 'never thought i would 'ever become grateful for the alcoholic too .. i couldn't even fathom this but somehow over time i did .. hugs to you and wishing you some more serene thoughts .. know it is painful .. i so wanted to jump out of my pain .. made it hard for me to stay in the moment .. it hurt there ..
Fooled said
Dec 1, 2016
When it comes to letting go and surrendering to my HP, I to wavered a lot. I let it go and then took it back. When I find myself doing that I have to pause and go back to the image I created in my head of my HP sitting on his cloud, with his hands on his head saying, "Ok Suzann, do you want it or not? I can give it back to you, but do you really want it?" but I do like the statement about making sure your hands are empty when you bring your hands back down.
Sometimes its a vicious circle for me, but if I use the tool Pause which I learned here, when I am in the midst of chaos, feeling lost, grief, etc I often find that it's me trying to take it back from God.
You are doing great! Keep up the great work! ((hugs))
Suburban Denizen said
Dec 1, 2016
(((((( jocelgp)))))
I can identify with your situation so easily - last weekend my sober A very nearly walked out (he had his coat on) after a dreadful argument he blamed completely on me. The ease with which he turned everything against me amazed and appalled me. During the aftermath, I wondered if I shouldn't have encouraged him to leave rather than allow him to stay. At the time of the argument, I didn't want to give up on a 27-year-old relationship. In hindsight, taking the easier route may have been a big mistake.
During arguments he calls me every dreadful name in the book, right down to declaring me evil and threatening physical violence. My self-esteem is trashed, and I'm in a potentially dangerous situation...but I just don't want to face the heartache of calling it quits.
You aren't at fault. There is never a good reason to call someone names or threaten harm...but that doesn't really mitigate the hurt you are facing now. I am in awe of your grace and strength of character in recognizing that by letting go and forgiving him you are healing yourself. My thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are with you, and I am grateful that you shared your experience - I have a lot to learn from you.
I asked my husband to leave because I don't deserve to be treated so badly: aiming fist at me and calling me names and demeaning my being a person. I don't know if he drank last friday but he came home later than usual. He keeps on saying bad words while sleeping friday night. Saturday was quiet, I tried avoiding too much conversation with him. But Saturday night he was becoming tight and hot headed and we got into a fight. Sunday morning he left telling me that he's leaving because that is what I wanted. I tried to explain that it's not in that context. I told him to just leave me if he thinks of me as such a very bad wife and person. He insisted I caused him to leave and so he did... and I'm hurting so much now... was it my fault... should i ask him to come back... should I just have not said a word in defense of myself... in my mind I know I shouldn't let him treat me so badly but it hurts... it hurts so much, consuming every strength left in me... I've been asking God to help us... I've been asking God why is He allowing this to happen to us... what wrong have I do
((Jocelgp)) I am sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Please try to take slow deep breaths. remember that HP is in control and that drawing a boundary is a healthy response in a relationship. Positive thoughts on the way
J this is the insanity of the disease which we all suffer from. We want to be rid of it and then when that happens we get afraid and want to blame ourselves and have it go back to what???? insanity again??? Part of the literature of the program that I trusted when I was in your place was to "Abandon myself to God as I understand God..." and then I got very quiet with prayer and meditation. My HP doesn't want me insane or causing fault so I wait with my HP and ask, "Place me where you want me...Tell me what to do" and then I stay quiet and listen.
I'm sad with you as this happens. I am sad with all of us when this happens. ((((hugs))))
This to shall pass.....that's what came to my mind reading your sharing ........stay strong ,keep coming back .....hugs Lu
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt but so pleased that you came here to share it with us as well.
It is horrible that alcoholism creates such chaos and I have often grieved for what could have been. I found it to be a process. Looking for what I could have done differently to fix things never turned out as I hoped. When I 'gave up' and no longer tried to change things I found that some changes did start to happen. In the meantime, I took up yoga and meditation and joined an on-line course. I tried to nurture myself rather than my relationship and when my mind turned to thinking of AH or trying to figure out how it could have been different I came to realise that I needed to bring something positive into my life - I started with baking bread, painting fingernails, taking nice walks and now I've made a few quilts and painted a few nice paintings, I am just starting at university (oldest in my class of course!) and I am loving it. If you were watching a movie, how would you like to see the heroine reacting in a situation like this?
Learning to leave well alone and concentrate on myself was really really difficult, I felt full of anxiety and self-doubt for a while, but the more I progressed the better life got. It is a process me-thinks.
I love Lookingup's quote by Maya Angelo - listening to Maya's wisdom on line helped me through a rough patch!
He may come back on his own, he may not. If you feel you must call him and have him come back, its ok, its your choice. I am sure that God hears your prayers and has not abandoned you. In my own circumstance, he had something better in mind for me so therefore although it hurt like the dickens also came the wave of relief.
I hope that you get some relief from your pain soon. Distract yourself as mentioned above until you get your answer. Be good to yourself
Yes I did grieved for days, felt all the physical weakness, my eyes all puffed up with tears. I still hurt, I still cry but I am dismissing anger, hatred... I don't want to live in bitterness. I have forgiven my husband even when he is not sorry, I have asked forgiveness from him and insisted nothing even as he still blames me and has not forgiven me. I will remain married even when he has left me. I am dismissing all projections of the future, I can only live for the present moment, praying every moment.
Thank you Jocelgp for such an inspiring message of unconditional love and recovery Continued prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
How inspiring and memorial that share is. It speaks to the memories of when I got into program myself, what I was like, what happened and how it is now. I could hear the voice of my elder sponsor telling me on the subject of "offering her up"...."....and when you bring your hands back down make sure they are empty. Turn her over". Mahalo Jocelgp. ((((Hugs))))
Kenny
Letting go and letting GOD is much more hurting than losing... so much grief in losing and much much more in letting go...
Thanks everyone for your hugs and prayers
When I learned to rely on that it was the best place for me to place my alcoholic/addict wife; that God would have her, my fear went away. ((((Hugs))))
We want to be rid of it and then when that happens we get afraid and want to blame ourselves and have it go back to what???? insanity again??? jerry this is hugely insightful for me ..
relating to this through the times i have thought of how much i give to god then take back .. later recognised the real giving was through the 4th and 5th ... this was how i gave without taking in the steps walk .. but seeing this now different .. same with my own ex .. we want to be rid of it .. the chaos but then through fear take it back continually .. will definitely be letting this one simmer .. thank you from me too .. this speaks 'volumes ..
(jocelgp) i have been where you are and i too recommend face to face meetings .. the power in the program is love .. (higher love) for me another word i use in place of that is divine ?
reasoning with others there and here on this board is so much better than trying to 'reason with an alcoholic who has very much become irritable and unreasonable .. blaming to 'justify their choices .. for not wanting or being able yet to face themselves .. i finally realised every time i tried to reason there i would be sucked into the feelings and madness of it all .. wasn't a good ride . it was a merry go round .. recovery can feel like a merry go round too but a much slower turning one that is actually enjoyable .. there was a time when i 'never thought i would 'ever become grateful for the alcoholic too .. i couldn't even fathom this but somehow over time i did .. hugs to you and wishing you some more serene thoughts .. know it is painful .. i so wanted to jump out of my pain .. made it hard for me to stay in the moment .. it hurt there ..
Sometimes its a vicious circle for me, but if I use the tool Pause which I learned here, when I am in the midst of chaos, feeling lost, grief, etc I often find that it's me trying to take it back from God.
You are doing great! Keep up the great work! ((hugs))
I can identify with your situation so easily - last weekend my sober A very nearly walked out (he had his coat on) after a dreadful argument he blamed completely on me. The ease with which he turned everything against me amazed and appalled me. During the aftermath, I wondered if I shouldn't have encouraged him to leave rather than allow him to stay. At the time of the argument, I didn't want to give up on a 27-year-old relationship. In hindsight, taking the easier route may have been a big mistake.
During arguments he calls me every dreadful name in the book, right down to declaring me evil and threatening physical violence. My self-esteem is trashed, and I'm in a potentially dangerous situation...but I just don't want to face the heartache of calling it quits.
You aren't at fault. There is never a good reason to call someone names or threaten harm...but that doesn't really mitigate the hurt you are facing now. I am in awe of your grace and strength of character in recognizing that by letting go and forgiving him you are healing yourself. My thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are with you, and I am grateful that you shared your experience - I have a lot to learn from you.
Denizen