My RAH celebrated 60 days of sobriety yesterday. I am confused as what to do when he shares this with me and that he got a round of applause. I have stuck to, "I am happy for you" Is that the right thing? Does anybody have any experience in acknowledging the accomplishment but staying on your side of the street? Or is a heart felt I am happy for you sufficient?
pinkchip said
Nov 26, 2016
It is. "Im proud of you. Keep it up! Good work!" Beyond that, don't go overboard. Peers in AA are the ones to both congratulate and challenge him. You need not complete with that.
PS - they will give a round of applause for anything good in a meeting. It was actually made clear to me to enjoy it in AA because the rest of the world isn't giving me tokens and kudos just for finally acting like a responsible adult.
Fooled said
Nov 26, 2016
Thanks pinkchip And that is why I was confused...It doesn't feel right to me to say I'm proud of you to my Husband for finally acting like an adult. In his past attempts at sobriety I was the cheerleader Go Go Go and all it did was cause resentment from him for progress that was not real. I was too supportive, and too involved. Im really trying to keep what I have learned here and apply it.
LinSC said
Nov 26, 2016
Suzann sounds like you are doing good. It seems you are truly happy about your AH's progress. He's a big boy not much else needs to be said, he knows you are there and witnessing his moves toward recovery. Lots of prayer for him and yourself is in order. Please don't worry, take that time instead to study Alanon a much better idea.
Take what you like and leave the rest. linsc
Fooled said
Nov 26, 2016
Thanks LinSC I am happy about his achievements. I am happy for him. I am happy for myself in the progress I made as well. A year ago? Oh boy. Progress not perfection!
tiredtonite said
Nov 26, 2016
Hi Suzann,
If you feel genuinely happy for him that's how you feel. You deserve to express those feelings if you want to express them to him. I was taught in Alanon not to stuff my feelings which includes "good" feelings too. I respond to these milestones as I do to anyone else's accomplishments - I don't show any more enthusiasm or any less. It's a great question. Thanks for sharing it. ((hugs))) TT
Fooled said
Nov 26, 2016
((TT)) Sometimes I think he looks for validation from me and that bothers me. Like I said above I feel odd saying I am proud of you. Because he is my husband finally acting like an adult. I did say that to my son however. I took a step back and thought ok, that felt weird too. For the same reason. I am genuinely happy for them both. They both deserve the opportunity to live a happy sober life. It's their choice though that's I keep it at. I am happy for you. I just didn't know if that was blasé or not. I am hopeful but I so enjoy staying to my side of the street this time.
serenity47 said
Nov 27, 2016
For me there is no hard and fast rules. I have told my Ad that I am proud of her just yesterday for the commitment she has been showing towards her recovery. At her three month sober mark, I sent her some flowers stating that we were proud of her. She did have a recent slip about two months ago so has a new sober date I am assuming (haven't asked) but I am planning to simply send a text on her initial sober one year date as that is an important date to me. That was the date she finally agreed to treatment and committed herself to recovery That date signifies change for our entire family, when we began to climb out of the despair of addiction and find our way back to our own lives. For that I am grateful daily and it feels right to express my feelings about it to her. I often think in this world we do not express our love, pride, enough to others. It is important to me to do this with all the people in my life not just her. Great question. Thanks for the post.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Sunday 27th of November 2016 12:47:18 AM
Jen said
Nov 27, 2016
Enthusiasm for their progress is good, but they can tell when we have too much invested ourselves. That's when I step over the line. So, I try to be gently encouraging, but detached. That conveys my caring, but saves my sanity. If I am not sure how much enthusiasm to show, I try to err on the side of preserving myself, first.
Two of the most important lessons I have learned here are to detach and stay on my own side of the street, and to say what I mean including the good stuff. I was a critical person before Al-Anon. I could spend hours telling a person what was wrong with their behavior. It took me a long time to learn to point out good things I saw in people. Now I practice that on a regular basis. That said, I think the first one is more important because it protects me from all the typical behaviors that get me into trouble by bogging me down in other peoples stuff. Once I could learn where to draw that line between my business and somebody elses, then I could learn to bless others with positive encouragement the way others have done for me.
Fooled said
Nov 27, 2016
Yes Jen I am so committed to staying on my side of the street and letting go of all the crap and my expectations and disappointments. I have come to realize that I was my own worst enemy when it came to dealing with the chaos. Its like I thrived on it. I am working so hard on myself, I don't want to express pride, because that's their job, pride in themselves. I want to acknowledge it, because he is sharing his accomplishment with me, I am genuinely happy and I am grateful. I know AA does do ceremonies at like 90 days I just don't know what my role is in that either. In examining my motives, I don't want him to say well you didn't do this, or that. Im trying so hard to say soft as well. I don't think I would like him criticizing my recovery as much as he probably didn't like me criticizing his first attempts. So confusing.
LinSC said
Nov 27, 2016
This is ALL new to you, give yourself a break, the important thing is that you are aware and are taking it easy. With your good intentions just keep going forward one day at a time. Keep your Alanon books close and attend meetings and you will be fine.
Fooled said
Nov 27, 2016
Oh LinSC thank you so much for your vote of confidence in me. I so need it!
Iamhere said
Nov 27, 2016
Suzann - I sometimes have to 'act as if'......I am excited even if I am fearful. I do know (because I am a double-winner) that we believe one day without a substance is a miracle it's a big miracle for folks to put together some time in the program. Pinkchip is correct - we celebrate many things - days, weeks, months, etc. in the other side of the program - and we do here too.
My own sons pointed out to me that I was kinder to strangers (in meetings) than them at times. This was such a hard pill to swallow but so true. I would go to meetings and celebrate someone who was new in recovery and how they were using their tools one day at a time. Then I'd come home, and give them the 'death glare' if they appeared to be sneaking around or doing things I did not like. I had to spend some angry/anxious time with my sponsor to take off my role hat (wife, mother, sister, etc.) when talking recovery with folks and instead put on my program hat.
For me, I can't celebrate newcomers and not celebrate small successes in my own home. So - I now say/do what I would say/do for anyone in recovery that met a milestone. If that's a hand + a hug - that's what I do. If that's a lunch/cup of coffee - that's what I do. If that's a, "Way to go" or "great job" or "proud of you" then that's what I do. For me to grow in recovery, I have to develop one standard of integrity and practice it in all my affairs.
You are new and you are doing great - live one day at a time, look for the miracles and focus on what's improving vs. what's broken. These 3 things helped me be more supportive and positive even in the face of insanity and uncertainty. (((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Nov 27, 2016
While I know it is daily living to get and stay sober and serene I have been told in AA that "Sober is normal" and I got it because that is what it is. I applaud the work and the person not the condition. That might sound trite to some however I have been taught well in both programs to practice what works. Smiles and hugs is what has worked well for me. (((hugs)))
wp said
Nov 27, 2016
Fooled, Good job. I'd like to add that if you relax, offer a genuine smile, and just say "Nice going!" that's sufficient. Been there.
wp
Fooled said
Nov 28, 2016
Thanks so much everybody. I am glad to know I am on the right track. I need to trust my gut more. I am going to go with my universal for everyone, a smile and an "Awesome, Amen" I use that professionally, personally, and casually. I am so not a touchy feelie person. I am not a hugger, a high fiver, fist pumper, PDA type of gal. To do that would be out of character for me and over acting. For some reason I am not fearful, I am hopeful, but not fearful.
My RAH celebrated 60 days of sobriety yesterday. I am confused as what to do when he shares this with me and that he got a round of applause. I have stuck to, "I am happy for you" Is that the right thing? Does anybody have any experience in acknowledging the accomplishment but staying on your side of the street? Or is a heart felt I am happy for you sufficient?
PS - they will give a round of applause for anything good in a meeting. It was actually made clear to me to enjoy it in AA because the rest of the world isn't giving me tokens and kudos just for finally acting like a responsible adult.
Suzann sounds like you are doing good. It seems you are truly happy about your AH's progress. He's a big boy not much else needs to be said, he knows you are there and witnessing his moves toward recovery. Lots of prayer for him and yourself is in order. Please don't worry, take that time instead to study Alanon a much better idea.
Take what you like and leave the rest. linsc
Hi Suzann,
If you feel genuinely happy for him that's how you feel. You deserve to express those feelings if you want to express them to him. I was taught in Alanon not to stuff my feelings which includes "good" feelings too. I respond to these milestones as I do to anyone else's accomplishments - I don't show any more enthusiasm or any less. It's a great question. Thanks for sharing it. ((hugs))) TT
For me there is no hard and fast rules. I have told my Ad that I am proud of her just yesterday for the commitment she has been showing towards her recovery. At her three month sober mark, I sent her some flowers stating that we were proud of her. She did have a recent slip about two months ago so has a new sober date I am assuming (haven't asked) but I am planning to simply send a text on her initial sober one year date as that is an important date to me. That was the date she finally agreed to treatment and committed herself to recovery That date signifies change for our entire family, when we began to climb out of the despair of addiction and find our way back to our own lives. For that I am grateful daily and it feels right to express my feelings about it to her. I often think in this world we do not express our love, pride, enough to others. It is important to me to do this with all the people in my life not just her. Great question. Thanks for the post.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Sunday 27th of November 2016 12:47:18 AM
Two of the most important lessons I have learned here are to detach and stay on my own side of the street, and to say what I mean including the good stuff. I was a critical person before Al-Anon. I could spend hours telling a person what was wrong with their behavior. It took me a long time to learn to point out good things I saw in people. Now I practice that on a regular basis. That said, I think the first one is more important because it protects me from all the typical behaviors that get me into trouble by bogging me down in other peoples stuff. Once I could learn where to draw that line between my business and somebody elses, then I could learn to bless others with positive encouragement the way others have done for me.
This is ALL new to you, give yourself a break, the important thing is that you are aware and are taking it easy. With your good intentions just keep going forward one day at a time. Keep your Alanon books close and attend meetings and you will be fine.
My own sons pointed out to me that I was kinder to strangers (in meetings) than them at times. This was such a hard pill to swallow but so true. I would go to meetings and celebrate someone who was new in recovery and how they were using their tools one day at a time. Then I'd come home, and give them the 'death glare' if they appeared to be sneaking around or doing things I did not like. I had to spend some angry/anxious time with my sponsor to take off my role hat (wife, mother, sister, etc.) when talking recovery with folks and instead put on my program hat.
For me, I can't celebrate newcomers and not celebrate small successes in my own home. So - I now say/do what I would say/do for anyone in recovery that met a milestone. If that's a hand + a hug - that's what I do. If that's a lunch/cup of coffee - that's what I do. If that's a, "Way to go" or "great job" or "proud of you" then that's what I do. For me to grow in recovery, I have to develop one standard of integrity and practice it in all my affairs.
You are new and you are doing great - live one day at a time, look for the miracles and focus on what's improving vs. what's broken. These 3 things helped me be more supportive and positive even in the face of insanity and uncertainty. (((Hugs)))
While I know it is daily living to get and stay sober and serene I have been told in AA that "Sober is normal" and I got it because that is what it is. I applaud the work and the person not the condition. That might sound trite to some however I have been taught well in both programs to practice what works. Smiles and hugs is what has worked well for me. (((hugs)))
wp