Do you also call them on their wrong doings? I can't imagine just ignoring the behaviours.

I would not.....unless you feel it would be constructive for you. We talk often about motives in Al-Anon - if your motives are to explain that you are affected by the alcohol and you are going to seek support for you - it might go well. If your motives are to try and convince him, cajole him, manipulate him into admitting disease and getting help, I would not.

For your second question - I don't unless it's affecting me and I have to. For example, if my AH has late nights that are keeping me awake and I need the sleep, I can choose to sleep in another room (we have several). I go to any lengths to avoid any blaming/shaming but have no issue in a discussion if it is affecting my life/needs. Not my wants....my needs.

These are very difficult questions to ask/answer for others - we each have our circumstances that affect daily living. The program can help you understand more about what will work in your home and with your qualifier...meetings were golden for me in the beginning!

Thanks as I haven't attended a meeting yet. It is much harder seeing my son go through the feelings that his dad doesn't love him than going through it myself

Hugs Jage,

I don't know if your son would be open to Alateen that might help him not feel alone. I think it's difficult enough as an adult to feel alone in all of this let alone as a child trying to go through it. It sure did help me to listen to others who had also had to walk that path.

Hugs S :)

I agree with about examining your motives. I also no longer share anything related to the disease with my qualifiers unless it affects my needs. Sometimes I don't even share my plan B for my needs unless I have to.
When my A was active, and his snoring was bouncing off the walls of the living room, he would wake up and find his pillows and on the couch. He knew. If I had to go to a regional meeting the next day I would give my son a heads up that I needed to sleep tonight and therefore the door was being locked at 11 pm. He knew he either had to be in by 11 or find a place to sleep. I didn't need him coming him at all hours and waking the dogs and disturbing my sleep. I still do that with him.

I never share anything I have learned specifically about their disease anymore. It usually backfires and makes me look superior and self righteous, which was the intent at the time as I am being honest.

Staying to my side of the street has become a blessing.

I try not to share what I have learned or believe with my qualifier as for me it usually results in a power struggle. She has her beliefs and I have mine. I often find myself feeling a little irritated as she can come across as a self appointed expert since being in recovery and I having worked in mental health and addictions for years and now in my own al anon recovery probably have a tendancy to do the same lol. It just isn't a safe topic for us yet and may never be and that is ok too. We have other things to talk about that do not stir the pot.

Thanks everyone. I know absolutely nothing about how to handle this. I attended my first meeting last night online and did come away with a few things to keep in mind for now.

Jage - good on you for getting to a meeting! Keep your focus on you as good as you can, and the program will make more sense as time goes on...

Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!