Thanksgiving was a small celebration with just my mom, one sister, AH and his friend. Got to use my al-anon tools and feel much better for it. After dinner, AH got a bottle of scotch and took his friend into the TV room, leaving the three of us without a word. He emerged to tell my mother goodbye when she left. Said they were watching a movie. I felt abandoned and ignored. I found myself sitting there, wondering what condition he'd be in when he came out of there. Then I remembered what I've read here -- find something to do, go for a walk, make yourself happy. My sister invited me for a drive, so I told hubby I was going out for a bit. (Resisted the passive-aggressive urge to vanish like he had.) Completely skipped the part where I'm waiting at home for the "reveal." When I came home, friend was gone and he was getting ready for bed. The next day, I spoke my truth -- said I felt abandoned, ignored and that discussing our plans and expectations would be helpful next time.
It's easy for me to get all judgmental and speculate about what was happening with him, but I don't know, and guessing isn't productive. I have to take him at his word -- it wasn't his intent to do what he did. I find this idea of intent very tiresome. He didn't intend to yell, or drink that whole bottle of wine that caused the blackout, or to blurt out some randomly inappropriate sexual comment when I offered to help him in the kitchen, or leave our thanksgiving celebration to watch movies for four hours and drink. Regardless, I am grateful I have tools to deal with the experiences as they happen. Iamthisclose to calling it quits. I am taking it one day at a time. I don't want to act out of anger. I want to do what is right. Praying for HP will and power to carry it out. Meeting today. So grateful.
hotrod said
Nov 26, 2016
Great post Mcat. Thanks for sharing the journey. Keep up the good work, as program works when we work it.
El said
Nov 26, 2016
Sounds like you handled it beautifully, Mcat.
I also had to use my toolbox on Thanksgiving. My AH's drinking is on the up swing again and I was giving the day to my HP for days in advance. I had all my slogans lined up, my Plans A-Z, and most importantly I kept resisting the immense urge to peak in at him when he went for his smoke breaks in the garage, to see if he was nipping at something. I would not do it.
While this was for my serenity, it still put a lot of my focus on him! What I would or would not do about HIM!
The day turned out fine, but every beer can I heard popped open, and every refill of his wine glass at the table, made me a little more anxious. I have a long way to go, but I am grateful for the al-anon tools we have that have brought me forward this far.
Mcat54 said
Nov 26, 2016
I completely understand, El. Somehow my drink-o-meter was not running that day. I'm always aware of what's happening but wasn't as tuned in and feeling the need to count, for some reason. Had my plan for answering my mom's comments about how I have a black thumb, can't grow anything, always kill plants (while she's admiring my thriving houseplants) and didn't need it. Felt a small victory in letting things unfold and not letting myself get wrapped up in what HE was up to. The day was somewhat easier as this is the first holiday he wasn't also stoned and forgetting everything. Things were somewhat tense with him but I didn't let it affect me. Two steps forward, one back is my experience. Meeting this a.m. will put me in good shape. Have a great day.
el-cee said
Nov 26, 2016
Thanks for the post and the shares. i think this is what alanon is for, these times that trigger our obsession and the horrid knot in the stomach. so glad we have these tools. its the new year celebrations thag have tested my own progress. i love the fact that we are in this together and can share with others who understand.
El said
Nov 26, 2016
Absolutely, el-cee! Thank you!
Iamhere said
Nov 26, 2016
Lovely topic and great shares....I am one who tries to prepare (with program) for situations that may bring forth a need for my toolbox. I always go with my HP and my tools. So - I usually step up my meetings, program friend/sponsor time, etc. in advance.
Imagine my surprise when the 2 family members who stir the pot and create most of the unnecessary drama WERE NOT present!!! It was the calmest, most normal Thanksgiving I've ever experienced with my family. A part of me truly enjoyed the love, sharing, thankful conditions and another part of me was still waiting for the 'shoe to drop'.
I have no explanation other than HP was in charge. He knew we've had a trying year and wanted to remind us what it is all about. I do laugh and believe he's got a great sense of humor - what happened is what I've been praying for ... for years!! His time, not mine.
I am sorry that you felt abandoned. So glad you used your tools and are headed to a meeting today. This is just not my favorite time of year any ways so I am super vigilant about my own frame of center and my HP's will for me....to enjoy the present without a care for the past or the future.
Sending positive thoughts, prayers and hugs to us all today and each day!
lookingup said
Nov 26, 2016
Mcat ,thank you for posting this,
I can so relate to IAH on waiting for the other shoe to drop,went to my aging dads enjoyed thanksgiving with him and one brother, the ones that would've stirred the pot never showed up.
I used my tools of not engaging in the blaming,comparing and criticizing others in foo,my a/d fav. Thing to do.
I also sent my hp days before,hp already aware of sit.i recited serenity prayer lots,read all 3 dailies,prayed and prayed.
Stayed in the moment,stayed 2 nites ,left came home kept my serenity.
WOAH,I made it,yay me.i love my foo,but learning to detach with love .
Hi all,
Thanksgiving was a small celebration with just my mom, one sister, AH and his friend. Got to use my al-anon tools and feel much better for it. After dinner, AH got a bottle of scotch and took his friend into the TV room, leaving the three of us without a word. He emerged to tell my mother goodbye when she left. Said they were watching a movie. I felt abandoned and ignored. I found myself sitting there, wondering what condition he'd be in when he came out of there. Then I remembered what I've read here -- find something to do, go for a walk, make yourself happy. My sister invited me for a drive, so I told hubby I was going out for a bit. (Resisted the passive-aggressive urge to vanish like he had.) Completely skipped the part where I'm waiting at home for the "reveal." When I came home, friend was gone and he was getting ready for bed. The next day, I spoke my truth -- said I felt abandoned, ignored and that discussing our plans and expectations would be helpful next time.
Great post Mcat. Thanks for sharing the journey. Keep up the good work, as program works when we work it.
Sounds like you handled it beautifully, Mcat.
I also had to use my toolbox on Thanksgiving. My AH's drinking is on the up swing again and I was giving the day to my HP for days in advance. I had all my slogans lined up, my Plans A-Z, and most importantly I kept resisting the immense urge to peak in at him when he went for his smoke breaks in the garage, to see if he was nipping at something. I would not do it.
While this was for my serenity, it still put a lot of my focus on him! What I would or would not do about HIM!
The day turned out fine, but every beer can I heard popped open, and every refill of his wine glass at the table, made me a little more anxious. I have a long way to go, but I am grateful for the al-anon tools we have that have brought me forward this far.
Thanks for the post and the shares. i think this is what alanon is for, these times that trigger our obsession and the horrid knot in the stomach. so glad we have these tools. its the new year celebrations thag have tested my own progress. i love the fact that we are in this together and can share with others who understand.
Absolutely, el-cee! Thank you!
Imagine my surprise when the 2 family members who stir the pot and create most of the unnecessary drama WERE NOT present!!! It was the calmest, most normal Thanksgiving I've ever experienced with my family. A part of me truly enjoyed the love, sharing, thankful conditions and another part of me was still waiting for the 'shoe to drop'.
I have no explanation other than HP was in charge. He knew we've had a trying year and wanted to remind us what it is all about. I do laugh and believe he's got a great sense of humor - what happened is what I've been praying for ... for years!! His time, not mine.
I am sorry that you felt abandoned. So glad you used your tools and are headed to a meeting today. This is just not my favorite time of year any ways so I am super vigilant about my own frame of center and my HP's will for me....to enjoy the present without a care for the past or the future.
Sending positive thoughts, prayers and hugs to us all today and each day!
I can so relate to IAH on waiting for the other shoe to drop,went to my aging dads enjoyed thanksgiving with him and one brother, the ones that would've stirred the pot never showed up.
I used my tools of not engaging in the blaming,comparing and criticizing others in foo,my a/d fav. Thing to do.
I also sent my hp days before,hp already aware of sit.i recited serenity prayer lots,read all 3 dailies,prayed and prayed.
Stayed in the moment,stayed 2 nites ,left came home kept my serenity.
WOAH,I made it,yay me.i love my foo,but learning to detach with love .