So my ex abf just got out of jail last night for a DUI that happened on Saturday. Against my better judgment I went and picked him up because after all he's done to me and I've allowed I still wanted to hear what he had to say. He told me he had been going to church and aa while in jail and had a very good plan for himself to dig himself out of the hole he made and that he wants to create the life he and I always had talked about having. I'm living with my parents right now and they have been hurting sooo much with everything because of how much it hurts me, however there's a part of me that still wants to see if he can do what he says. I'm quite disappointed in him that he went to his nieces house tonight and says he had two beers, but it sounds like more to me and after he went as far as to pour all the vodka (his number one go to) down the drain last night. Am I holding to high of standards? Have I just created a fantasy in my mind? I have literally never been so confused and bounced back and forth with emotions so much in my life! Do alcoholics ever heal? If he really wanted help he would be doing it all on his own despite what he and I were going through...that's what i keep getting told. Is this all accurate or is every alcoholic different in their needs of recovery???

You have lots of questions that for me took time to find the answers, no-one else can really give you them to any depth, its an inside thing, learning to look at who you are, why are you craving the love of a man who is sick, chances are you are sick too and you are in need of your own recovery program. He is a grown man and he has the right to drink, not drink, its his life to do with as he chooses. You have only one life and you get to choose between drama excitement or not. Until you get help for yourself then in my experience we choose the drama and excitement every time because we are addicted to it in the same way the alcoholic is addicted to the alcohol. Same disease , same symptoms, good news is there is hope for a different life and Alanon got me there. Good luck.

In my opinion, if he was serious it would show in his actions and the words and promises would mean nothing. If he already drank...no, he's not serious about changing. For a real alcoholic, they cannot make significant healthy life changes while actively drinking. They can half assed try for a bit, but it doesnt last. Alcoholics are all different people but the disease is the same pretty much. It does much the same thing to all people who have it...it sucks! I would go to alanon if I were you and pin less of your hopes and happiness on him. YOU build the life you want and don't make it contingent on an alcoholic who isn't capable of delivering. You can choose to love him but drop expectations and make your own happiness...if you can't do that with him in the picture...then you have other choices. It will become clearer if you do dig into alanon.

I am one who always listens to words, just don't bank on them. I'm reminded often that I need to show compassion for sick people, so listening with love is what I am told to do. I pay far more attention to actions vs. the words and refuse to sacrifice my boundaries for anyone any more.

It's very true that each alcoholic has their own personal journey and recovery. There is no one size fits all. Some use AA, others use something different. Even those in AA have their own journey - relapse, recover - only God truly know what is going to happen less.

Our side of the recovery program is designed to help us help ourselves so our feelings, efforts, etc. are not tied to what they are/are not doing. I would suggest that you lean into your recovery and take care of you.

Actions truly do speak louder than words - that's a statement that's been around for thousands of years and rings true always in my life.

(((Hugs))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all for your responses. I know I need to go to al anon meetings in person, I'm just trying to find one or a few. I've been going to therapy and she asks the same question...why do you want to be with this person who comes with so much drama and hurt and I can't come up with an answer! Have any of you been there and going to al anon helped you realize the WHY???

I've definitely been taking his words with a grain of salt because they are not trustworthy and paying more attention to the actions...however sometimes I get confused (yet again!) because he follows through with some, but not all...is this normal behavior for someone who is trying to change, but really isn't there yet?

In a face to face meeting I recently attended, there was a speaker who defined what addiction was: Continually doing a certain behavior despite knowing there will be consequences for that behavior.
When he made those statements to you, he mostly likely meant them, at the time. Acceptance that the person is an alcoholic and he is active in his disease helped me to stop the chaos in my own head. Knowing that when my RAH was active, he was going to lie, he was going to deny the amount that he drank, that his behavior was going to be less than stellar: jail, dui, lies, manipulation etc , and I was able to work on my disappointments and my expectations. The bottom line is he is not going to enter sobriety, real sobriety, until he has reached the full consequences of his disease. Everyone is different. That doesn't mean that you cannot find your own recovery and peace through working the steps, while he is in the midst of the disease. I cant tell you how many "therapeutic relapses my RAH went through while I stood there criticizing his journey to sobriety. You should be doing this, you should be doing that, etc. Letting go and detaching with love, was the key to not only his recovery but mine as well. Him knowing that I was going to be happy with or without him, sober or not, was priceless. Step 1 I can't Step 2 God can Step 3 Let him saved ME.

I agree - I believe that people, all people, are fundamentally good. I have no doubt that his intentions are real at the time. When one is addicted, no amount of information, statistics, facts, and for some - direct consequences is enough of a bottom to seek help. Recovery is an individual journey, but it is a WE program. Most of the literature discusses the value of meetings - knowing/feeling/hearing that you are not alone. Hearing there is hope and others sharing their own ESH to help others.

When alcoholism/addiction was classified as a disease, it was for a variety of reasons but what I hold onto is that it is an illness and not a moral choice/issue. This helps me understand that nothing I can do, say, suggest, threaten will heal the disease - one must seek treatment and then follow treatment.

It is one day at a time for you and him. When I started Al-anon I thought I could fix my A, but they have to come to terms with the disease themselves. I wish you the best.

I too thought that Al-Anon was a class in learning how to get my A to learn to behave. I am not sure if it is CAL approved literature but the book Getting them sober was a huge help to me in learning that Al-anon was not about my A, but about MY recovery, how I need to learn to behave. I so value the WE part of Al-anon, there are a lot of people that I wouldn't have made it this far without. I remember when I first started and went to an on line meeting here and I read some ones share, I thought, I am so $%#$@ jealous. When will that be me? Without the members of here, my face to face, my family support group for Ala-non and Nar-Anon, and other resources, I would still be sitting there saying the same thing. The phrase "it takes a village" comes to mind.

It does take a village Suzann - I so agree! That book you mention, Getting Them Sober is an excellent read. It's not CAL, but it is often mentioned outside of meetings because it's a great read to understand more about personal recovery and the journey back to sanity...

I love that each of the steps is WE. Recovery is an individual journey, but WE come together to share our journey for others to learn and for healing.

(((Hugs)))

What helped me in going to the face to face meetings was knowing while my situation maybe different the feelings I was having were very similar to what others were going through .. I wasn't a freak of nature, .. I wasn't special, .. this was a common core issue and when dealing with unreasonable situations my mind goes into lock down on what is and is not reasonable.

As a co-dependent I believe what the addict told me .. ironically the addict believed what I showed him .. so when I didn't follow through on something it just gave way to more bad behavior. Yes, the addict in my life meant what he said when he said it however he blinked and whatever intension was there went out the window with the blink.

For me that put me in a place where my eyes and my ears couldn't correlate what was going on .. I wanted to believe what he told me however experience had taught me that was not the case. So I turned off my ears and started watching with my eyes .. it makes it easier not to have expectations in regards to him following through or not. I already knew if his lips were moving he was not telling the truth.

What I really learned in meetings though was how to live vs survive I had been on survival mode. I realized how to be responsible for just me in a healthy way. I got to build relationships and one of the things that I often say now is it sucks having more than one feeling .. lol .. there are days I wish I had only one feeling .. sigh .. in some ways that was a whole lot easier. I got a sponsor and she accepted me unconditionally no judgments no should have would have could have she just let me work through my stuff. I will always love her for helping me learn I am enough .. just as I am .. my strengths as well as my character defects make up the whole of who I am.

I do value face to face meetings when they are available .. however coming from a small town they are not always feasible, times availability and so on.

Hugs S :)