One of my A's has gone around trashing me for a long while now. To my own family members even. I have been raised to "protect the secret", so I'm not even sure if any of these people know she's an A. Some of them do, I assume, but most wont.
I'm letting it happen. Keeping my mouth shut and trusting that HP will wash away any mistruths. I've deleted social media apps, because A was posting at least 5 passive aggressive comments or "quotes" a day to draw the pity parade towards them and trash me in the process. I tried to communicate with a family member today and got a very chilly response. I'm heart broken, these people are MY family too? I'm being punished. A is going to make sure that everyone goes on their side and I am alone. Isolated. That's healthy behavior, isn't it. It hurts, but it also helps. I honestly believed that A and I had a better relationship than that. Until I disagreed. Now I see that I was only useful if I enabled. I'm useless. I also see that in order for A to feel justified, they have to reach out to others who will agree with them. The drinking is protected. A is right, I am wrong. I am shunned, A keeps drinking and has a whole new set of enablers to lean on.
Do I reach out? Or just let it go?
Part of me wonders why I care so much? Why I need them to like me? People pleasing is part of the ACOA laundry list. In reaching out, I can't say that A is an A, can I? That will just start more drama and I don't want it. My cousins, who I used to go to dinner with once a month, they've gone silent. My aunts, family friends, even my own grandmother. NO ONE KNOWS!! So of course I look like a jerk!!!!!
Then part of me says that I should stand up for myself, our relationships were fine until A swooped in and told them I was an awful person.
I'm so torn here!
hotrod said
Nov 22, 2016
Remembering that I am powerless over people places and things and that what others think of me is none of my business, I would recite the serenity prayer, Let Go and let God and when given the opportunity to speak with these people, I would validate myself in a positive manner without appearing to defend myself. Good Luck
sarahGee said
Nov 22, 2016
That makes perfect sense. Thank you Betty. I haven't said anything to anyone, but this has been rolling around my head. No harm done, and none will be.
It will stay with me until HP decides to bring the opportunity to me, and even then only speak about myself.
It's really, really hard knowing that everyone is listening to A. No one knows the truth, I've protected everyone. The alcoholic, the abuser... their secrets are safe. Why do they get off free & I get this?
milkwood said
Nov 22, 2016
Although it is painful to go through, I found that learning to drop my worries about whether or not other people liked me felt really empowering. What matters is do I like myself. Am I comfortable with my own behaviour?
Of course there is nobility (or, dang it, should that read superiority??!) in rising above gossip but I also believe that there is grace in speaking my own truth if that is what feels appropriate and if it helps those that I care about, and who care about me, understand me better.
One of the struggles I have had is not being able to explain to some people what my motivations are because my natural instinct is to protect my AH and also I was embarrassed to admit how deep my own denial went for a long time. The few times when I have managed to speak my truth to others without pointing fingers and getting emotional about it have left me feeling that I can find ways to take care of myself and that I am secure on my own two feet.
It isn't very nice to have someone going about in the background badmouthing us so I completely get that level of discomfort and how frustrating it can feel. I sometimes imagine how someone I admire would react in difficult situations and then try to figure out how I would like to see myself react. (((Hugs)))
e_i_m said
Nov 22, 2016
A trait that I believe many al-anoners have and I know I have (but it's really really receding, thanks to years of working on this in recovery) is a desire to find some sort of independent "Truth" and that if we have that "Truth", everything will change. I think that is why many of us look for stashes of alcohol or drugs, mark off levels on liquor bottles (me, starting at about ten years old to my parents), follow people to bars, snoop on phones or social media, or do other behaviors in search of the Truth. Living with addiction for al-anoners is so destabilizing that we want to latch on to something solid and real and if we can just find that, then.... I don't know what. I don't know what I thought would happen if I could know it all! But, in fact, we all have our own take on things -- what the A thinks/says/does/believes is probably what they believe to be true at that moment (even if it's a manipulative lie or a bald-faced lie like "no, I didn't just drive into that tree"), just like us. I know that when I hear someone bad-mouthing someone else, I don't put too much stock in what's being said. I don't like anyone talking junk about me, whether I believe it to be "true" or not, but I don't have to react to it in any way. That whole "truth" thing is a slippery eel.
My favorite quote is by William Shakespeare, but I learned in al-anon (in C2C I think), "There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." So what if someone is talking about me -- I've got bigger fish to fry -- mainly, trying to find HP's will for me and the power to carry it out and to live my own life with dignity. I keep on trying (and failing), and trying again!
a4l said
Nov 22, 2016
Sometimes i do. But honestly people are not stupid. When i remain me, not anxious or worried and thus defensive and reactionary, its pretty easy to see the truth even its just something's not as it seems. I guess knowing the difference between self defense and control is, its not my business till it is. So whatever people think, if they're gullible enough to beleive it, its not my business. If they treat me based on those assumptions in my space then it is my business and I'll deal with it bluntly. overall i think detaching is the best all round tool. They do it because they don't know better ways of getting attention. sad really. No need to sink there though hindsights 20 20 isn't it? Take care.
Iamhere said
Nov 22, 2016
(((Sarah))) - I have a tendency to pause often and realize how much I am truly powerless over. One of the first things I heard in recovery was to hang with the winners. As my sanity began to return and I worked the steps, there were patterns and habits I had that I was not proud of. One was acting as your 'person' is - getting in front of the story to deflect blame. If I wasn't first, you can be assured that I voiced my side and with tons of passion. Quite frankly, I realized how crazy this was and so I tend to walk away from any and all drama now. I have faith in my HP that no matter what's going on around me, my truth sets me free - not others, just me.
What I've discovered over time is my mind truly magnifies things in a manner that makes me want to defend. Being defensive and right were 2 of my go-to reactions before recovery. If I wanted to get and maintain my serenity, I just had to let it go....let it all go - it takes 2 or more to create drama/chaos. I have choices and it's not always easy to do so, but I prefer the high road any time I see it.
Great topic, especially with the holiday season approaching. I have had to make tough choices over the years that include missing family functions to keep my sanity as well as others to 'normal' folks would seem unheard of. But, I heard early on that I needed to be willing to go to any lengths to have and keep my serenity and I focus on that first and foremost. All I have to do is take one step backwards, and all the effort I've put in goes 'poof' in my mind, and I can return to being broken, sad, miserable, isolating, etc. I've done it - not on purpose - but by wanting others to 'see' or 'hear' my truth. What I finally accept now is that it only matters to me and my HP.
As I continue in recovery, I do tend to stick closely with those who are working the program. I've shrunk down my circle of influence to be like-minded people, and cherish the authenticity of true friendship. They call me on my 'stuff' with no agenda and no desire to do anything but help me. Given the choice, I'd spend my holidays with my circle of friends vs. my family - and have. But, as I've grown up, my family has a place in my heart too. I tend to now leave family events full of gratitude that I found a way 'out of the insanity' and a cool set of tools when I feel drawn to 'it'. I pray they find peace in their lives/hearts too and that's what my HP would want for me to do.
I go through moments where I avoid social media. It typically is during phases of self-assessment and processing. I do not need help getting sidetracked from reality and social media can do that to me/for me. I also have no issue turning my phone off to meditate, nap, etc. I truly try to put me and my sanity/health above all things as I am a better person when I am centered. Anytime I put anyone/anything in front of me, I risk slipping from my place of peace.
What others think of me is not my business and is truly about them, not me. I love QTIP - and it works even when it's at me or about me. Level-headed, spiritual people will see it for what it is - one person's opinion with no facts. Leaning into the program/steps always helps me in times of turmoil so I keep doing what works...(((Hugs)))
Mcat54 said
Nov 24, 2016
As always, so much wisdom here. I'm so grateful for the ESH. I've learned that no one gets to define me but me, and others' statements aren't true just because the words come floating out of their mouths. The truth is between me and my HP. Hugs, to you, SarahGee. Happy thanksgiving everyone. Cathy
One of my A's has gone around trashing me for a long while now. To my own family members even. I have been raised to "protect the secret", so I'm not even sure if any of these people know she's an A. Some of them do, I assume, but most wont.
I'm letting it happen. Keeping my mouth shut and trusting that HP will wash away any mistruths. I've deleted social media apps, because A was posting at least 5 passive aggressive comments or "quotes" a day to draw the pity parade towards them and trash me in the process. I tried to communicate with a family member today and got a very chilly response. I'm heart broken, these people are MY family too? I'm being punished. A is going to make sure that everyone goes on their side and I am alone. Isolated. That's healthy behavior, isn't it. It hurts, but it also helps. I honestly believed that A and I had a better relationship than that. Until I disagreed. Now I see that I was only useful if I enabled. I'm useless. I also see that in order for A to feel justified, they have to reach out to others who will agree with them. The drinking is protected. A is right, I am wrong. I am shunned, A keeps drinking and has a whole new set of enablers to lean on.
Do I reach out? Or just let it go?
Part of me wonders why I care so much? Why I need them to like me? People pleasing is part of the ACOA laundry list. In reaching out, I can't say that A is an A, can I? That will just start more drama and I don't want it. My cousins, who I used to go to dinner with once a month, they've gone silent. My aunts, family friends, even my own grandmother. NO ONE KNOWS!! So of course I look like a jerk!!!!!
Then part of me says that I should stand up for myself, our relationships were fine until A swooped in and told them I was an awful person.
I'm so torn here!
It will stay with me until HP decides to bring the opportunity to me, and even then only speak about myself.
It's really, really hard knowing that everyone is listening to A. No one knows the truth, I've protected everyone. The alcoholic, the abuser... their secrets are safe. Why do they get off free & I get this?
Of course there is nobility (or, dang it, should that read superiority??!) in rising above gossip but I also believe that there is grace in speaking my own truth if that is what feels appropriate and if it helps those that I care about, and who care about me, understand me better.
One of the struggles I have had is not being able to explain to some people what my motivations are because my natural instinct is to protect my AH and also I was embarrassed to admit how deep my own denial went for a long time. The few times when I have managed to speak my truth to others without pointing fingers and getting emotional about it have left me feeling that I can find ways to take care of myself and that I am secure on my own two feet.
It isn't very nice to have someone going about in the background badmouthing us so I completely get that level of discomfort and how frustrating it can feel. I sometimes imagine how someone I admire would react in difficult situations and then try to figure out how I would like to see myself react. (((Hugs)))
My favorite quote is by William Shakespeare, but I learned in al-anon (in C2C I think), "There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." So what if someone is talking about me -- I've got bigger fish to fry -- mainly, trying to find HP's will for me and the power to carry it out and to live my own life with dignity. I keep on trying (and failing), and trying again!
What I've discovered over time is my mind truly magnifies things in a manner that makes me want to defend. Being defensive and right were 2 of my go-to reactions before recovery. If I wanted to get and maintain my serenity, I just had to let it go....let it all go - it takes 2 or more to create drama/chaos. I have choices and it's not always easy to do so, but I prefer the high road any time I see it.
Great topic, especially with the holiday season approaching. I have had to make tough choices over the years that include missing family functions to keep my sanity as well as others to 'normal' folks would seem unheard of. But, I heard early on that I needed to be willing to go to any lengths to have and keep my serenity and I focus on that first and foremost. All I have to do is take one step backwards, and all the effort I've put in goes 'poof' in my mind, and I can return to being broken, sad, miserable, isolating, etc. I've done it - not on purpose - but by wanting others to 'see' or 'hear' my truth. What I finally accept now is that it only matters to me and my HP.
As I continue in recovery, I do tend to stick closely with those who are working the program. I've shrunk down my circle of influence to be like-minded people, and cherish the authenticity of true friendship. They call me on my 'stuff' with no agenda and no desire to do anything but help me. Given the choice, I'd spend my holidays with my circle of friends vs. my family - and have. But, as I've grown up, my family has a place in my heart too. I tend to now leave family events full of gratitude that I found a way 'out of the insanity' and a cool set of tools when I feel drawn to 'it'. I pray they find peace in their lives/hearts too and that's what my HP would want for me to do.
I go through moments where I avoid social media. It typically is during phases of self-assessment and processing. I do not need help getting sidetracked from reality and social media can do that to me/for me. I also have no issue turning my phone off to meditate, nap, etc. I truly try to put me and my sanity/health above all things as I am a better person when I am centered. Anytime I put anyone/anything in front of me, I risk slipping from my place of peace.
What others think of me is not my business and is truly about them, not me. I love QTIP - and it works even when it's at me or about me. Level-headed, spiritual people will see it for what it is - one person's opinion with no facts. Leaning into the program/steps always helps me in times of turmoil so I keep doing what works...(((Hugs)))