I'm struggling. I feel that as of late I've been very good at disengaging with love. We have a toddler to co-parent and so when I'm working my program I'm great at ignoring husbands mood swings. I keep my life peaceful and kind of ignore his moaning and whining. He is an insomniac and typically looks exhausted/unavailable most days. It used to give me SUCH anxiety, but I'm learning to ignore his mental state. He's now telling me he feels frustrated because he feels frustrated that I'm not noticing his hard work. I politely said "I think you need to stop looking to me for validation. I'm working on creating my own happiness that isn't necessarily dependent on you." He's like "well that sounds like it's great for YOU." I'm just torn on "working on the marriage" and "focusing on myself." Does anyone have experience with this? Thank you!

Prissykitty - I too can only share my own ESH....I found out by working the program and steps with a sponsor that not only were my expectations unrealistic, my resentments were clouding most of my thinking. Like mentioned above, I had to work on me first. What I learned was to just pause and not react to what my qualifiers were saying or doing. My feelings are often present on my face even when my lips are closed, so I had to practice lovingly detaching even when I wanted to speak my peace/mind/feelings. I was as honest as I knew to be using only I statements...

As my sanity was restored, it was easier to respond vs. react or bite my tongue. When first starting out, each time my thoughts floated to them - how they looked, what they were doing, what they were not doing/thinking/saying.....I literally removed myself - even if it was to just start laundry, go to the bathroom, take a walk, etc. I just refused to engage because my resentments came 'forward' as angry witchie woman every time - no matter how much patience I tried to use! The path to serenity for me was longer than wanted, but worth it.

(((Hugs))) - one moment at a time, one day at a time!

Prissykitty- Oh I've tried working on a marriage with an active alcoholic. It didn't work for me. What has worked for my marriage is working the AL Anon program for myself. Every day I get better my marriage has improved. My AH found my detachment with love very disturbing at first too. It hurt and I can understand that now. At the time I had no sympathy and that was probably necessary for me to detach at first. But when I look at it now I completely flipped our entire marital dynamics upside down without any warning. I went from catering to his every need, tiptoeing on eggshells around him to avoid problems and tolerating all kinds of unacceptable behaviour to the complete opposite of all of those at what seemed to him like an overnight timeline. I remember very clearly one day being in the car with my AH and my daughter and he started to make fun of me for being forgetful and I found it insulting so I simply said "please don't speak that way about me I don't deserve that". The look of surprise on his face was evident and I realized that I had never thought to say that before. I had either gotten really angry and yelled and screamed at him and that allowed him to blame me for being angry or crazy or I just let it slide. I don't get that kind of critical "teasing" anymore after just that one comment. I felt like from that moment the dynamics in our relationship shifted to a more even setting. I went far with my detachment and I had to really cut a lot of emotional reliance and dependence before we could rebuild a more interdependent dynamic. But my marriage although imperfect is a lot better because of the changes in me. I started participating in my marriage as an equal instead of tiptoeing around like an anxious bird and amazing things happened. My AH has adjusted to my new way of behaving. He's become more self reliant and it seems as though he likes aspects of that. I personally prefer not to talk about my program much with my AH because he doesn't have a program and doesn't understand and it just opens things up for discussion that I don't want to discuss with him. As I worked my program and practiced detachment I was able to add in the love part more. I think I had to step away a bit and figure out what my wants and needs were first before I could really work on our marriage. Before Al Anon I didn't even know what I was feeling or what my wants and needs were. How could I have made a plan to get them met before I figured that part out first? I wish you luck. Practicing detachment with love took constant effort for me day in and out for quite a while. And the blowback at home was difficult at times. But this too shall pass. Keep working your program one day at a time.

Hi. I am like 5 minutes new here. I haven't started the program, because quite frankly I'm terrified , what do you mean regarding detachment? Then you talked about adding love into it later??

Jage1991 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared! Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and is truly never cured. The best course of treatment is recovery, and recovery is a personal journey. AA is recommended for an alcoholic who wants recovery, and Al-Anon is for family and friends affected by the drinking of another person.

In Al-Anon, we encourage meetings. Meetings are an excellent way to break the isolation many of us suffer because of the affects of the disease. We also work the same 12 Steps that AA uses, with a genuine, honest effort to focus on ourselves and how to find our joy and peace again no matter what the other is/is not doing.

There are many concepts in recovery - detachment simply means allowing them to do what they are going to do, and doing what you need to do for your own life/joy/peace. We learn to stop reacting to their words and actions also.

You can search out the Al-Anon website for more information and locations of meetings in your area. Please know there is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!