Hi all,

I am an Al-Anon member for almost 5 years now, and have been on this forum on and off. I have been regularly to meetings and working the steps with my sponsor, and have experienced so much healing! One thing I almost expected from recovery is that my relationships heal and improve on their own, which they do a lot of the time, and so do romantic relationships. I am separated from my alcoholic qualifier since two years and have felt quite good alone, enjoying life with a fun job, a pretty flat and tons of social support. Life is a million times better compared to when I first came to a meeting.

A few months ago I got a new colleague. At first I instinctively kept some professional distance to him, also when I noticed the way he looked at me, shy, sometimes charming. At one point I developed a crush and at times stronger feelings towards him. I started warming up towards him, flirting at times and making an effort to get to know him, always making sure that I stay out of his problems, instead just listening and sharing.

A few days ago, when a bunch of colleagues was about to go out, I asked him whether he was going too. He said that he would not go, because lost his wallet, but was not taking any steps to close his cards, because he didn't have money on his account anyways. I was just nodding and acknowledging. When he then smiled charmingly, I just saw a big red flag! Oh no, not again a guy in troubles and crises who needs me to sort him out! Plus, not this manipulative (not sure how he meant it, but this is my understanding) "Well, I am not going, unless you want me to, but then you need to fix my problem!" This money problem could have been a one-off situation, but I really need to be careful here. In the end he went, but because someone else paid for his drinks and food. The day after he told me that he will pay her back. So, after all the programme work, though, I am wondering why I am attracted to such a person, and why he is attracted to me! Can you please share your ESH on dating and friendships, and attraction? I am confused and questioning my senses and feelings.

Love in fellowship.

Hi Smukke,

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of serenity after five years in the program but maybe fee ready for some new experiences for even more growth. I found the more I grew to have courage to walk away from situations that didn't feel right to me, the more willing I felt to risk to get to know others. At some point even with a little fear of being hurt, I felt I needed to get out there and try to make new friends using tools I learned in Alanon. Sure there were disappointments but also some good friendships too. In the beginning, I think some potential relationships failed not because I attracted unhealthy people (I think healthy and unhealthy people have always been on my path) but some potential relationships failed because I was leading with fear rather than faith in myself and other people. I didn't have an open mind. I projected my past experiences onto present situations. When I did that, it clouded reality. I was lonely and wanted others in my life but everyone was a suspect. I was always on high alert - not really seeing the person but wondering if they had an agenda, were looking for something from me, we're out to use me in some way. My fear was so great because I feared confronting a person if that was happening and the loneliness of letting go of a person I was investing in as a friend. Of course these growing pains were necessary developing trust in myself and other people, learning to feel safe and for being true to myself.

It's good that you are observant concerning other people's actions and your own responses. It takes time to know ourselves as people through working the steps of the program. LOL if I was so wrong about thinking I knew myself, it certainly makes me wonder how much I really know others. As far as your coworker with the wallet thing, you put a boundary in place that was right for you. You didn't offer to lend him money to have his company. We use the term "trust your gut," in Alanon. I think it's a pretty good tool. It's kept me from acting with very little information and kept me safe at times. With time, I've gotten to know people by letting them into my life a little at a time. Maybe this guy just did lose his wallet, maybe not. More will be revealed about him over time as you keep working together. And you know what... you are open to romantic feelings again so there will be others you're attracted to and who will find you attractive. You'll choose. It's a gift of this program to learn we have choices and it can be a fun and exciting adventure getting to know ourselves and others. Hope you will keep enjoying it. Thank you for sharing.  TT

Aloha Smukke...my first mental reaction to your post and his part in it was "Slick".  He chanced a behavior it seems even he knew would be very difficult to enable.  Asking someone to front him with their money when he was irresponsible to himself.  Reluctance and guilt and fear didn't seem to make him stumble at all.  Truthfully I have had similar events happen to me also but for the affect of our program my responses have changed a lot.  I don't leave myself open to self doubt and self hatred anymore because I end up carrying that whole load and the person I enable learns nothing at all I feel.  I know how to be responsible for my consequences now and "no" is a complete sentence.

Keep coming back and thanks for the trust.  (((((hugs))))) 

Dear all,

Thank you for the amazing replies, which look at my post from different perspectives. I had read them earlier on and reflected a bit on them. Let me share about the different ideas here.

I think I am fully attracted to this person, physically and emotionally. We have been talking and laughing a lot and have been able to easily connect once the awkwardness of initiating a conversation with a crush was overcome  I don't think I would only have sex with him, as I feel it is either a 'proper' relationship on several levels or not. Yesterday I felt confused, but also kind of safe with the idea of pushing the guy away. Now, reconsidering and allowing the opportunity to get to know him better and giving it time, I feel the fear, almost to the point I could throw up, but also more serenity, if it makes sense.

Yes, I do recognise my pattern of recognising patterns and blowing them out of proportion. I do the same in friendships. My worst triggers are drinking and generally being used for sorting people's lives out. Earlier on in my recovery I thought that me changing means that I'd need to let go of some relationships, as I would not be compatible anymore with some people. I do not think in this way anymore, and try to be tolerant. For example, if people gossip, I do not have to participate, or say something positive about the third party to share my point of view. The "this-person-is-not-right-for-me" voice in my head is getting quieter. Still, there have been people quite honest towards me with their expectations that their life would be more functional (organised, productive, serene) if they were living with or dating me or so. I have done my best to detach and just be a friend.

I have been trying to hand everything over to God. Some of the events that occurred within the last few weeks have been quite particular and I have been wondering a lot what God's will is. One possible answer could really be that I need to take more time. Making a decision now about that person seems more difficult, but I am also given more time with him. It is funny how it makes sense when I write it down in one sentence 

Thanks again, and lots of love.

I have been trying to hand everything over to God. Some of the events that occurred within the last few weeks have been quite particular and I have been wondering a lot what God's will is. One possible answer could really be that I need to take more time. Making a decision now about that person seems more difficult, but I am also given more time with him. It is funny how it makes sense when I write it down in one sentence 

So often I've been taught and shown that this is how the program works thru us.   Keep on keeping on  (((((hugs)))))

Thank you 

I caught the title of your initial post (Unhealthy crush)  and then read in your second post, "I think I am fully attracted to this person."

This is so familiar to me, I get it.

After a painful ending from my AH of over 20 years, I got into a relationship with someone from the 12-step recovery rooms. My attraction to him continued even after I had learned he had his own addiction. My brain wanted what my brain wanted and it wanted it from HIM. The relationship lasted over a year and ran the typical course of an addictive relationship. It was very painful. Again.

As I was recovering from the pain of yet another loss, I said to my sponsor, NEVER AGAIN. I will NEVER AGAIN fall for another "slick" as Jerry so brilliantly puts it.

Lo and behold, an opportunity came for me to date someone who appeared to be a most amazing catch.... wealth, intelligence, witty sense of humor and that all equals instant attraction for me, and everything I had before. My brain once again did all the thinking, "This seems right" it said once again.

While getting to know him, the red flags (intuition) began wildly waving for my attention, and my sponsor dubbed this the "ARE YOU SURE?" period.

She explained the universe was testing me because I had already broadcasted to the universe, NEVER AGAIN. I have since found this to be a real phenomenon when I've tried to change the things I can, it has happened many times where all the energies of the past come back as if to say, "Are you sure you're done with this, cuz I can certainly bring you more....??"

I'm not a slow learner. But I am a darn fast forgetter.

I did date him.  But only for a month. It became very clear that I did NOT want more of this. I told the universe no, and I meant it.

The ARE YOU SURE period is not unlike the 10th step to me... using step 10 as something of a guidepost and in this case it was also about making amends to ME. It also reminds me of the old recovery story of walking down the street with the big pothole.... the first time I walked down that street, I fell into that big pothole and it took me a long LONG time to crawl out of it...

The second time I walked down that street, I fell into the hole again. I was very confused. But I managed to get out again.

The third time I walked down that street, I stared at the hole. I decided to walk around it.

After that, I decided to walk down a different street.

No matter what you decide to do my friend, I just posted to let you know that you're not alone  ((hugs))