This keeps recurring for me and lately Ive been thinking about where it comes from and its becoming clear to me why I ended up with my exah. He fulfilled the roles played out in my childhood, being emotionally unavailable, the regular feelings of being rejected and abandoned. Every time he took a drink I felt like he had gone away and left me over and over again. I can see that this was very addictive, when he came back from binges, sober, it was like a huge reward until he left again in mind and spirit, even though his body remained behind. Going from crisis to crisis heightened my senses, adrenaline flowing, very dramatic, excited misery, just like a drug, also very addictive and the calm afterwards was such a relief, another reward.
What is it that meant I saught this out? Why was this comfortable for me and stimulating? I dont believe it happened by accident, i believe in the idea of child calling to child.
My Father was an alcoholic, big surprise there, so my Mother was also playing out this part before I came on the scene. She divorced him when I was a baby and I was brought up in the aftermath with no recovery program. The abandonment issues began right there I think. My Mother, being on her own had to rely on family to look after me while she worked and I have memories of being very young and feeling like a bit of a nuisance to people like aunties, cousins, neighbours even and I think she found it difficult to get structured, consistent child care for me and I do believe the scene was set for these issues that are still affecting my relationships today. To survive I think I developed really good people pleasing skills and a shape shifting personality to fit in with the different homes/families I found myself in. The not knowing where I was and where I should be each day must have affected my security and my self esteem was low from pretty early on most likely due to being a bit of an inconvenience to people and family members who my Mother had went to for help.
Its funny, Ive avoided looking at my childhood for answers because I thought it would mean I would be back to the old way of thinking and it would bring forward anger, blame, resentment self pity etc but Im coming to the conclusion that for this program to work for me then I have to get to know the whole me and my childhood is part of me and it might be time to dive in and take a look for the main purpose of gaining more understanding of me. I want to change, to keep changing and to be less self absorbed and so the idea of delving in to my past made me think I would get lost in me again but its time I think.
Thanks for reading.
El said
Nov 18, 2016
Great reflection, el-cee! You aren't looking to blame, only to truly understand. Obviously the time is right for you to look back without fear of getting sucked back into old patterns and thoughts. Good for you and thanks for sharing!
Iamhere said
Nov 18, 2016
El-Cee - love your thinking process and awareness. I love too what El has said - seeking to understand vs. to blame. I do remember thinking that there must have been some event, pattern, situation, etc. in my childhood that caused me to be as I am/was and who I am/was. What my sponsor suggested to me is no matter where we are in our lives, we have selective recall and most families with addiction have tons of secrets. She was very, very helpful in my processing - each time I would recall something that left me feeling lonely, left-out, abandoned, other - we would talk about the event and my feelings and then she almost did a devil's advocate scenario where she tried to imagine the thoughts/feelings of the other.
What this did for me was to help me keep an open mind, realize that no matter how bad it may have been for me, most likely the other person was doing their best in a bad/frightening/concerning situation, and that rarely if ever was the event directed at me, to me, etc. In other words, even as a small child in a dysfunctional situation, it was within me/my own mind that I developed the coping behavior that I did.
She knew me well enough to realize that even when I suggested I wanted to understand vs. blame, that my thinking can be very black/white and my results often still went to blame. She also suggested that anything I uncover - good, bad or indifferent - was proper for that event or situation because my HP always had my back.
I so love 'more will be revealed' in my recovery. Just within the last few years have I uncovered a great uncle that was a drunk womanizer who committed suicide. My father is religious so this uncle of his was a huge sinner. My father never, ever spoke of this uncle - I didn't know he existed until we began exploring our family origin. I could guess why my father never spoke of him, but that doesn't matter to me because my father has his own journey. What does matter to me is I have discovered another gene pool in my blood line where addiction and mental health issues might exist.
Peeling back our layers has been helpful for me. I think it would have been less helpful if I didn't have such a level-headed sponsor though. Being the only admitted alcoholic in my immediate family has brought me shame and guilt for most of my life. Even with almost 30 years of recovery, there appear to be some who don't understand it's a mental issue and not a moral choice. Digging deeper to understand patterns in my gene pool brought me some relief that I don't own the shame/blame/judgement of anyone else - I only can be the best version of me today and move forward.
The holiday season tends to make me more reflective and anxious. It's not my best processing time - be gentle with yourself as you process. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Nov 18, 2016
LC when I saw the topic of your post, I thought I and nothing to contribute to this thread. The more I reflected, I remembered that years ago,in working the steps, I discovered that I was the firstt to abanon myself very early on in childhood. It seemed as if, I looked around the world saw the pain and sorrow and decided to protect myself and keep myself safe from harm at all costs. I would wall myself up within and not let anyone get close enough to know the true me. I figured that this way I would not let anyone get close and that I would not let anyone know my true being, so that way they cannot hurt me.
That was the reason that I kept the focus on others, always tried to be accommodating and help them, so that they did not focus on me and be able to hurt me. I abandoned myself for a long time until it no longer served me and then I needed to learn to take the walls down.
Al-Anon gave me the tools to do so and how to learn how to connect with others in a constructive manner. I am very grateful for that. I no longer abandon myself because I've learned to validate who I am, I have rebuilt my self-esteem and I'm grateful for my assets on the goodness in my life. Thanks to Al-Anon. This is all possible.
I guess I did not answer your question about abandonment but this is what I discovered about myself.Since I no longer abandon myself and have a trust in my HP I am confident , compassionate and supportive in the world while still supporting myself. Thank you alanon
el-cee said
Nov 18, 2016
Thank you, I want to look without the old patterns of blame. I know the people in my life were always doing the best they could at that time with what they had. Before alanon I was all about the blaming but that allowed me to take no responsibility for my life as an adult. I am doing that no longer so I want to look now with my mature (er) outlook and view of the world. Im hoping that by looking at more of me and my shortcomings I can get to be entirely ready because I think in order to be entirely ready I need more understanding of what it is im entirely ready to let go of. Does this make sense?
hotrod said
Nov 18, 2016
LC Makes a great deal of sense to me. Please keep on asking- The answers will surface
sarahGee said
Nov 18, 2016
Awesome post - thank you for sharing!
2HP said
Nov 18, 2016
Great topic, particularly for adult children of alcoholics. Abandonment awareness didnt come easy for me...
I remember sitting in meetings and hearing things that jolted my memories of childhood, especially when I found myself in adult-child focused meetings. To even survive childhood, many of us had to bury certain realities and go into deep denial for self-protection. When this stuff bubbles up during recovery, dealing with the painful memories is frightening.
I remember such an occurrence during an al-anon meeting as a double winner old-timer came to speak. During his share, he paused a lot, barely able to speak as he was crying from memories of alcoholic parental abuse, cradling himself and holding his hand over his forehead scars. His sharing jolted my own memories of specific abuse for the first time ever and I spoke about it for the first time during that meeting. A member shared after me, shook her head laughing and said, "Some people are so addicted to drama."
That is when I sought a professional counselor to aid my healing journey. I encourage anyone who has been affected by an alcoholic parent to do the same since we are not professionals and even the professionals within our fellowship are just another equal member, affected by alcoholism just the same.
Abandonment issues can be terrifying and not all members identify with it (or in denial themselves.) Our literature paints what recovery will look like as we PROGRESS in personal healing, but it doesnt happen overnight. If anothers awakening finds them waking up very angry and blaming and not understanding the one who caused them harm, it is unreasonable to expect that this is the place to begin. This is why Al-anon has numerous readings on "feelings," in Al-anon we let them come up so we can heal and go beyond.
A woman in my Saturday group began waking up to memories of incest she had buried for 35 years. Ours is a gentle group, we allowed her to keep coming back angry and "sitting on the pity pot" (a most inappropriate phrase sometimes) for as long as she needed to. Many of us understood the need to vomit all the poison up before she can ever hope to feel better.
Drilling recovery all the way back to childhood did wonders for me but it was a process. I relied on our slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST, working to develop a "self" first.....
Because only THEN is there a even a "self" to surrender to God, the ultimate freedom.
And whenever I've felt abandoned by anyone... it has only served to point me in the right direction, right back to Higher Power, it has served the perfect purpose. Repeatedly, I remind myself it does not matter who might abandon me, I am only in trouble...REAL TROUBLE... if I abandon myself.
I applaud your courage (((El cee))) for facing the painful past so that you can go beyond it when you are ready. BE where you are, my friend.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:41:31 AM
Iamhere said
Nov 18, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Thank you, I want to look without the old patterns of blame. I know the people in my life were always doing the best they could at that time with what they had. Before alanon I was all about the blaming but that allowed me to take no responsibility for my life as an adult. I am doing that no longer so I want to look now with my mature (er) outlook and view of the world. Im hoping that by looking at more of me and my shortcomings I can get to be entirely ready because I think in order to be entirely ready I need more understanding of what it is im entirely ready to let go of. Does this make sense?
It makes perfect sense to me too! What I keep discovering is that more is revealed and with each pass of the steps, I find new things....
You got this - and I totally get where you are. We have a phrase we share often around here - It's not always easy growing up in public... That's so how it feels when we 'feel' or 'see' something that pushes us to process/deal/heal from.
(((Hugs)))
e_i_m said
Nov 18, 2016
El-Cee, I think you're really brave for delving in to your childhood to figure out how it's affecting your present life. I can barely remember anything from my upbringing and childhood. I know people who talk about kids they went to school with in first grade and their teachers and things and I'm like "how can you possibly remember that?" My parents were both alcoholics and I grew up in lots of chaos. I also have MAJOR abandonment issues and feel really hurt when someone I care for doesn't respond the way I want/expect them to (or in the timeframe I want). I'd love to know what you're doing to work through this. I would like not to feel so attached to other people's attention. Certainly, as I work my program this (like everything) improves, but if you have specific tools you want to share, I'd love to hear them. I've tried to find a therapist I can afford (who works at night so I can go after work), but haven't been successful, so all my recovery is al-anon based now.
el-cee said
Nov 19, 2016
Thank you for your feedback everyone. Eim I can relate to everything you say my memory is terrible can't remember much at all. I have a childhood friend who will say do you remember. ... and I'm like no was in even there? I've wondered if it's something to do with protecting ourselves from hurtful memories and then gradually huge chunks are missing? I have just gained this awareness or maybe I've just gained the willingness to go in. I can see why some would want a professional person but for me the program has it all for me. I think my higher power is here within the program and the people so I'm trusting that I'll hear what I need or understand what I need to in order to get more peace. I called my sister last night and told her I think mum neglected me some of the time. She isn't in recovery and she thinks that maybe yes she did but it's made you who you are today. True. I think I'm just becoming more willing to see the facts of me and my childhood without the negative thoughts processes so that I can accept more of me. I may always have abandonment issues and I want to get to a place where I'm accepting this and understanding and using tools to stop it sabotaging my life.
e_i_m said
Nov 19, 2016
I've been thinking about this post a lot. I know that now, as an adult, I'm often not present in the here and now. I'm worried about what other people are doing or I'm thinking about what's gonna happen next or I'm thinking about what I'm going to say. (I'm getting better about this, thanks to al-anon and meditation and prayer). So I wonder if that happened as a kid, too, and that's why my childhood memory is so poor -- my adult memory is also not good. Maybe I don't remember stuff because my mind was elsewhere when it was happening.
I read today's Hope for Today (11/19) and the writer said something to the effect of "I have lots of smugness and self-righteousness and I have to stop blaming my current behaviors on my alcoholic childhood and start correcting them now". I guess I would add that I want to acknowledge and understand where my current behaviors come from, in order to correct them now. I don't want to be smug or self-righteous and I don't want to suffer from my fear of abandonment and rejection. I am pretty clear that they came from childhood. So I know that. And now I want to change them and be better and more whole. All three of today's readings in the dailies really complemented each other in terms of getting at using al-anon as a program for emotional, spiritual, and mental wholeness.
For myself, I need to focus on the present and reality and figure out what it is that I think is gonna change or what I'm going to lack if someone I care about rejects or abandons me. I've still got myself and my HP and I have to focus on that being bountifully enough -- not the hard-to-get approval of a suffering addict who's got his or her own craziness. One day at a time.
Fooled said
Nov 20, 2016
To even survive childhood, many of us had to bury certain realities and go into deep denial for self-protection.Drilling recovery all the way back to childhood did wonders for me but it was a process. I relied on our slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST, working to develop a "self" first.....
Because only THEN is there a even a "self" to surrender to God, the ultimate freedom.
And whenever I've felt abandoned by anyone... it has only served to point me in the right direction, right back to Higher Power, it has served the perfect purpose. Repeatedly, I remind myself it does not matter who might abandon me, I am only in trouble...REAL TROUBLE... if I abandon myself.
2HP Wow Wow Wow These words affected me so much. I didn't realize my feelings of abandonment and burying things so deep that I couldn't trust anyone, be vulnerable to anyone, even God, until I started seeing a therapist. I had no idea who I was. I once developed a "past" and a childhood just to not face what it was.
Thank you so much for those words.
el-cee said
Nov 21, 2016
Thanks for sharing your take on this Eim. I believe your right about not being in the moment so not having clear memories, that sounds like me or before Alanon. You asked what Im doing about this and I dont really know what to do so Im thinking what Iamhere suggested about working the steps and being mindful of this awareness while im working them. Ive spoken to someone who is going to go through these with me and this time im trying to gain momentum on them and maybe doing one step per week because I tend to procrastinate due to perfectionism so I'm working them with someone who will pull me up and hold me accountable and that should get me moving. I will let you know how this goes. Thanks again everyone.
This keeps recurring for me and lately Ive been thinking about where it comes from and its becoming clear to me why I ended up with my exah. He fulfilled the roles played out in my childhood, being emotionally unavailable, the regular feelings of being rejected and abandoned. Every time he took a drink I felt like he had gone away and left me over and over again. I can see that this was very addictive, when he came back from binges, sober, it was like a huge reward until he left again in mind and spirit, even though his body remained behind. Going from crisis to crisis heightened my senses, adrenaline flowing, very dramatic, excited misery, just like a drug, also very addictive and the calm afterwards was such a relief, another reward.
What is it that meant I saught this out? Why was this comfortable for me and stimulating? I dont believe it happened by accident, i believe in the idea of child calling to child.
My Father was an alcoholic, big surprise there, so my Mother was also playing out this part before I came on the scene. She divorced him when I was a baby and I was brought up in the aftermath with no recovery program. The abandonment issues began right there I think. My Mother, being on her own had to rely on family to look after me while she worked and I have memories of being very young and feeling like a bit of a nuisance to people like aunties, cousins, neighbours even and I think she found it difficult to get structured, consistent child care for me and I do believe the scene was set for these issues that are still affecting my relationships today. To survive I think I developed really good people pleasing skills and a shape shifting personality to fit in with the different homes/families I found myself in. The not knowing where I was and where I should be each day must have affected my security and my self esteem was low from pretty early on most likely due to being a bit of an inconvenience to people and family members who my Mother had went to for help.
Its funny, Ive avoided looking at my childhood for answers because I thought it would mean I would be back to the old way of thinking and it would bring forward anger, blame, resentment self pity etc but Im coming to the conclusion that for this program to work for me then I have to get to know the whole me and my childhood is part of me and it might be time to dive in and take a look for the main purpose of gaining more understanding of me. I want to change, to keep changing and to be less self absorbed and so the idea of delving in to my past made me think I would get lost in me again but its time I think.
Thanks for reading.
Great reflection, el-cee! You aren't looking to blame, only to truly understand. Obviously the time is right for you to look back without fear of getting sucked back into old patterns and thoughts. Good for you and thanks for sharing!
What this did for me was to help me keep an open mind, realize that no matter how bad it may have been for me, most likely the other person was doing their best in a bad/frightening/concerning situation, and that rarely if ever was the event directed at me, to me, etc. In other words, even as a small child in a dysfunctional situation, it was within me/my own mind that I developed the coping behavior that I did.
She knew me well enough to realize that even when I suggested I wanted to understand vs. blame, that my thinking can be very black/white and my results often still went to blame. She also suggested that anything I uncover - good, bad or indifferent - was proper for that event or situation because my HP always had my back.
I so love 'more will be revealed' in my recovery. Just within the last few years have I uncovered a great uncle that was a drunk womanizer who committed suicide. My father is religious so this uncle of his was a huge sinner. My father never, ever spoke of this uncle - I didn't know he existed until we began exploring our family origin. I could guess why my father never spoke of him, but that doesn't matter to me because my father has his own journey. What does matter to me is I have discovered another gene pool in my blood line where addiction and mental health issues might exist.
Peeling back our layers has been helpful for me. I think it would have been less helpful if I didn't have such a level-headed sponsor though. Being the only admitted alcoholic in my immediate family has brought me shame and guilt for most of my life. Even with almost 30 years of recovery, there appear to be some who don't understand it's a mental issue and not a moral choice. Digging deeper to understand patterns in my gene pool brought me some relief that I don't own the shame/blame/judgement of anyone else - I only can be the best version of me today and move forward.
The holiday season tends to make me more reflective and anxious. It's not my best processing time - be gentle with yourself as you process. (((Hugs)))
LC when I saw the topic of your post, I thought I and nothing to contribute to this thread. The more I reflected, I remembered that years ago,in working the steps, I discovered that I was the firstt to abanon myself very early on in childhood. It seemed as if, I looked around the world saw the pain and sorrow and decided to protect myself and keep myself safe from harm at all costs. I would wall myself up within and not let anyone get close enough to know the true me. I figured that this way I would not let anyone get close and that I would not let anyone know my true being, so that way they cannot hurt me.
That was the reason that I kept the focus on others, always tried to be accommodating and help them, so that they did not focus on me and be able to hurt me. I abandoned myself for a long time until it no longer served me and then I needed to learn to take the walls down.
Al-Anon gave me the tools to do so and how to learn how to connect with others in a constructive manner. I am very grateful for that. I no longer abandon myself because I've learned to validate who I am, I have rebuilt my self-esteem and I'm grateful for my assets on the goodness in my life. Thanks to Al-Anon. This is all possible.
I guess I did not answer your question about abandonment but this is what I discovered about myself.Since I no longer abandon myself and have a trust in my HP I am confident , compassionate and supportive in the world while still supporting myself. Thank you alanon
Great topic, particularly for adult children of alcoholics. Abandonment awareness didnt come easy for me...
I remember sitting in meetings and hearing things that jolted my memories of childhood, especially when I found myself in adult-child focused meetings. To even survive childhood, many of us had to bury certain realities and go into deep denial for self-protection. When this stuff bubbles up during recovery, dealing with the painful memories is frightening.
I remember such an occurrence during an al-anon meeting as a double winner old-timer came to speak. During his share, he paused a lot, barely able to speak as he was crying from memories of alcoholic parental abuse, cradling himself and holding his hand over his forehead scars. His sharing jolted my own memories of specific abuse for the first time ever and I spoke about it for the first time during that meeting. A member shared after me, shook her head laughing and said, "Some people are so addicted to drama."
That is when I sought a professional counselor to aid my healing journey. I encourage anyone who has been affected by an alcoholic parent to do the same since we are not professionals and even the professionals within our fellowship are just another equal member, affected by alcoholism just the same.
Abandonment issues can be terrifying and not all members identify with it (or in denial themselves.) Our literature paints what recovery will look like as we PROGRESS in personal healing, but it doesnt happen overnight. If anothers awakening finds them waking up very angry and blaming and not understanding the one who caused them harm, it is unreasonable to expect that this is the place to begin. This is why Al-anon has numerous readings on "feelings," in Al-anon we let them come up so we can heal and go beyond.
A woman in my Saturday group began waking up to memories of incest she had buried for 35 years. Ours is a gentle group, we allowed her to keep coming back angry and "sitting on the pity pot" (a most inappropriate phrase sometimes) for as long as she needed to. Many of us understood the need to vomit all the poison up before she can ever hope to feel better.
Drilling recovery all the way back to childhood did wonders for me but it was a process. I relied on our slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST, working to develop a "self" first.....
Because only THEN is there a even a "self" to surrender to God, the ultimate freedom.
And whenever I've felt abandoned by anyone... it has only served to point me in the right direction, right back to Higher Power, it has served the perfect purpose. Repeatedly, I remind myself it does not matter who might abandon me, I am only in trouble...REAL TROUBLE... if I abandon myself.
I applaud your courage (((El cee))) for facing the painful past so that you can go beyond it when you are ready. BE where you are, my friend.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:41:31 AM
It makes perfect sense to me too! What I keep discovering is that more is revealed and with each pass of the steps, I find new things....
You got this - and I totally get where you are. We have a phrase we share often around here - It's not always easy growing up in public... That's so how it feels when we 'feel' or 'see' something that pushes us to process/deal/heal from.
(((Hugs)))
I read today's Hope for Today (11/19) and the writer said something to the effect of "I have lots of smugness and self-righteousness and I have to stop blaming my current behaviors on my alcoholic childhood and start correcting them now". I guess I would add that I want to acknowledge and understand where my current behaviors come from, in order to correct them now. I don't want to be smug or self-righteous and I don't want to suffer from my fear of abandonment and rejection. I am pretty clear that they came from childhood. So I know that. And now I want to change them and be better and more whole. All three of today's readings in the dailies really complemented each other in terms of getting at using al-anon as a program for emotional, spiritual, and mental wholeness.
For myself, I need to focus on the present and reality and figure out what it is that I think is gonna change or what I'm going to lack if someone I care about rejects or abandons me. I've still got myself and my HP and I have to focus on that being bountifully enough -- not the hard-to-get approval of a suffering addict who's got his or her own craziness. One day at a time.
Because only THEN is there a even a "self" to surrender to God, the ultimate freedom.
And whenever I've felt abandoned by anyone... it has only served to point me in the right direction, right back to Higher Power, it has served the perfect purpose. Repeatedly, I remind myself it does not matter who might abandon me, I am only in trouble...REAL TROUBLE... if I abandon myself.
2HP Wow Wow Wow These words affected me so much. I didn't realize my feelings of abandonment and burying things so deep that I couldn't trust anyone, be vulnerable to anyone, even God, until I started seeing a therapist. I had no idea who I was. I once developed a "past" and a childhood just to not face what it was.
Thank you so much for those words.