My now grown kids are both successfully married and on their own,have been for several yrs now,still miss them,
especially my 3 grandsons by my daughter I never get to see for their father joined airforce way back when they were babies now teens except 1 will be soon,oldest is 16 ,my daughter and her hubby decided to do only over sea tours,now back in Japan.
guess I'm been on a self pity roll,missing them ,never get to them.
g,kids have grown without having any grandparents,things are so much different now ,nothing like I'd expected like everybody being close wanting to all be together especially with such a small flock as mine.
guess I never knew things would be this hard to have to go from kids being around me to none ,
i live life day by day mostly min. By min,if needed,
living life on lifes terms allowing things to unfold as they should,
and letting go of my sit.letting God take it gently from me with arms outstretched to his.
last several mths has been rough .
daughter has cut ties with me for no real reasons,other than she thinks my life is drama and I make poor decisions ,
no messageing me,no skypeing with my g,kids or her anymore she has stopped all,saying she is just way to busy ,
i can see where I wanted control with my kids all their growing up life,to the extreme,
my kids grew up hearing me shout ,scream,cuss,leave their dad numerous times they would always be with me though,they were my heart still are my heart,
i can see somewhat why my daughter always wanted to move out of our home now ,because of the sickness,she could see it in all my people the drinking/drugging,she wNted better for her family children,so she moved away,now today she has cut me off out of her life and her brother ,brother don't drink or drug.
i had no program back then,I was a non recovering alanoner raising 2 kids best I knew how with what I had ,their dad was my qaulifier.before him it was my father.now my thinking is ,im not for sure that my daughters husband my sil,is or become an a since being in airforce now he has ranked up to staff Sargent ,been serving now for 10 yrs straight,
i never would had believed all this with my daughter cutting her mother ,only parent she has left out of her life ,
i do know why now ,I understand how my defects has effected her to,hard to admit ,it's true ,my truth.
my son also ,I can really see how it has effected him,he and wife argue and fight just as I did,
its a lot to look at ,not knowing what to say or how to say it to my kids,wanting so bad to talk to them about this desease that their having to live ,deal,cope with on a daily bases,just don't really know what to say without them blaming me for everything that's gang wrong for them,
i know my daughter isn't free from it like she thinks she has been for she has to deal with herself also,
im just trying to stay quietly in the background now working on me myself as much as possible,trying to be a better person than I was or have been before program,in hopes my kids understand one day,
i just don't want to lose my kids on account of this desease,without them understanding what it's all about and the truth of it all.
hope I can get some great esh on this toptic ,maybe I have a lot of guilt also? ..........hugs ,in recovery lu
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2016
(((LU))) - I would agree that having adult children and grandchildren is way different than I thought. I do understand they are super busy and the disease has caused great calamity in our lives. I also do understand that their emotional growth has been stunted because of the disease. I get sad at times too and wonder why on earth loving family times have to be so out of reach/difficult.
All I know to do is to work on my side of the street and keep the avenues open. Taking their inventory and listing in my brain the things they are and do hurts my heart as I tend to blame myself at the same time. However, I am reminded by my HP as well as my sponsor that I did the best I knew at the time, am not perfect and they have to find their own way.
My son ripped me last night because I'm never available to babysit. He was genuinely coming at me with two barrels. I said as I always say, if you have a need and I am available, I will help out. This time, I added, "I am entitled to have a life son." He resents that I golf, play softball and am always busy.
Whatever is going on with him, I can't make him happy, whole, serene, pleasant, positive or ...................................... As frustrating as it is and as sad as I feel, my best is to pray for him to find his peace/joy. I will share that it appears to be quite 'vogue' now a days to 'divorce yourself from your parent(s)' and label them as 'narcissistic' or other. There is a whole movement of adults who've divorced themselves from their parents for a variety of reasons (parents would not pay bills, parents made them move out, parents had a different political opinion, etc.) I was raised to honor and respect my parents - no matter what as they had given me a life, at a minimum....that doesn't seem to matter any more to the next generation. Family and family values have become accidental instead of the norm.
Build your life 'as if' you are a wonderful, single, fun-loving person. I've upped my meetings, my softball, my fitness and started golfing. Between these things and my gal pals, I've got more going on that desired many days. But, I am happy and content that my life is full - different than I thought but still full and fun...
(((Hugs)))
lookingup said
Nov 16, 2016
Thank you IAH for sharing your esh,I can relate to being ripped at,by my daughter it's been with her even though she's 1000s miles away from me living on a island she use to say to me a lot ,I shoulda,I coulda,if only.
She has a whole new family over there ,I don't even know.
Ido realize though I have today,I'm to live in the moment.
And yesterday's gone.........hugs ((((IAH))))))
hotrod said
Nov 16, 2016
Hi Lu I am sorry that you are in such pain and can so understand. It just sounds as if worked a powerful 4th, 5 and 6th Step on this issue. Rememebr alanon gives us tools in order to clear up the wreckage from the past (since we all have this wreckage) so move on to step 7 and ask HP to remove the defects that you identified and in time you will be to step 9 and will know how to make amends to your children. Keep an open mind and keep on keeping on. It does work so
My now grown kids are both successfully married and on their own,have been for several yrs now,still miss them,
especially my 3 grandsons by my daughter I never get to see for their father joined airforce way back when they were babies now teens except 1 will be soon,oldest is 16 ,my daughter and her hubby decided to do only over sea tours,now back in Japan.
guess I'm been on a self pity roll,missing them ,never get to them.
g,kids have grown without having any grandparents,things are so much different now ,nothing like I'd expected like everybody being close wanting to all be together especially with such a small flock as mine.
guess I never knew things would be this hard to have to go from kids being around me to none ,
i live life day by day mostly min. By min,if needed,
living life on lifes terms allowing things to unfold as they should,
and letting go of my sit.letting God take it gently from me with arms outstretched to his.
last several mths has been rough .
daughter has cut ties with me for no real reasons,other than she thinks my life is drama and I make poor decisions ,
no messageing me,no skypeing with my g,kids or her anymore she has stopped all,saying she is just way to busy ,
i can see where I wanted control with my kids all their growing up life,to the extreme,
my kids grew up hearing me shout ,scream,cuss,leave their dad numerous times they would always be with me though,they were my heart still are my heart,
i can see somewhat why my daughter always wanted to move out of our home now ,because of the sickness,she could see it in all my people the drinking/drugging,she wNted better for her family children,so she moved away,now today she has cut me off out of her life and her brother ,brother don't drink or drug.
i had no program back then,I was a non recovering alanoner raising 2 kids best I knew how with what I had ,their dad was my qaulifier.before him it was my father.now my thinking is ,im not for sure that my daughters husband my sil,is or become an a since being in airforce now he has ranked up to staff Sargent ,been serving now for 10 yrs straight,
i never would had believed all this with my daughter cutting her mother ,only parent she has left out of her life ,
i do know why now ,I understand how my defects has effected her to,hard to admit ,it's true ,my truth.
my son also ,I can really see how it has effected him,he and wife argue and fight just as I did,
its a lot to look at ,not knowing what to say or how to say it to my kids,wanting so bad to talk to them about this desease that their having to live ,deal,cope with on a daily bases,just don't really know what to say without them blaming me for everything that's gang wrong for them,
i know my daughter isn't free from it like she thinks she has been for she has to deal with herself also,
im just trying to stay quietly in the background now working on me myself as much as possible,trying to be a better person than I was or have been before program,in hopes my kids understand one day,
i just don't want to lose my kids on account of this desease,without them understanding what it's all about and the truth of it all.
hope I can get some great esh on this toptic ,maybe I have a lot of guilt also? ..........hugs ,in recovery lu
All I know to do is to work on my side of the street and keep the avenues open. Taking their inventory and listing in my brain the things they are and do hurts my heart as I tend to blame myself at the same time. However, I am reminded by my HP as well as my sponsor that I did the best I knew at the time, am not perfect and they have to find their own way.
My son ripped me last night because I'm never available to babysit. He was genuinely coming at me with two barrels. I said as I always say, if you have a need and I am available, I will help out. This time, I added, "I am entitled to have a life son." He resents that I golf, play softball and am always busy.
Whatever is going on with him, I can't make him happy, whole, serene, pleasant, positive or ...................................... As frustrating as it is and as sad as I feel, my best is to pray for him to find his peace/joy. I will share that it appears to be quite 'vogue' now a days to 'divorce yourself from your parent(s)' and label them as 'narcissistic' or other. There is a whole movement of adults who've divorced themselves from their parents for a variety of reasons (parents would not pay bills, parents made them move out, parents had a different political opinion, etc.) I was raised to honor and respect my parents - no matter what as they had given me a life, at a minimum....that doesn't seem to matter any more to the next generation. Family and family values have become accidental instead of the norm.
Build your life 'as if' you are a wonderful, single, fun-loving person. I've upped my meetings, my softball, my fitness and started golfing. Between these things and my gal pals, I've got more going on that desired many days. But, I am happy and content that my life is full - different than I thought but still full and fun...
(((Hugs)))
She has a whole new family over there ,I don't even know.
Ido realize though I have today,I'm to live in the moment.
And yesterday's gone.........hugs ((((IAH))))))