Yesterdays reading was a good one, all about how when we take a hurt it can be because we think the whole world revolves around us and we get upset when a person or situation doesn't go our way. Wow, this is me right now and I hadn't linked it to being conceited, I had to look that word up and it means being egotistical, vain and narcissistic. Where does this shortcoming come from? I mean when we live within alcoholism its not as if we get the idea we are the centre of the universe or do we? does this come from our childhood or is it just to do with our distorted thought processes? I feel its linked with my major shortcoming of being emotionally immature. What do you think?
andromeda said
Nov 16, 2016
Hmm, for me, it's about abandonment but I also think it's a natural human response. Like I will never have enough because I was never given enough from my alcoholic and emotionally stunted father. And, then eventually from my XAH.
Yes, I can be conceited, but I also believe I have valid needs and sometimes when those 'wants' (probably not an actual need) go unmet, I act like a spoiled brat in my head making those shortcomings and lackings all about me. I've learned I have to take on someone else's perspective. I need to separate myself from my perceived transgressions and I need to learn to fix it, meet that need or want, or address it emotionally within myself using program and friends from program, as well.
I know, in my heart, that I am not the center of the universe but I often get resentful if I feel that I am giving my ALL in a relationship (or at work or with my son or whatever) and I feel taken for granted or as if there is an imbalance. We're all human and vanity and conceit and ego go hand in hand with being a human being. These feelings are nothing new and I honestly don't associate it with codependency, I associate it with me just feeling slighted, wanting fairness, wanting balance in my relationships even if my perceptions are wrong.
hotrod said
Nov 16, 2016
I believe that living with the disease of alcoholism I developed these concepts because i was always blamed and because I thought that I f i "caused it" I could fix it!!! It made me feel powerful and in control. Alanon taught me That I did not cause it,could not control it and that "EGO" meant "Easing God Out" and that is what I did as I saw myself as HP. Now thanks to program i have resigned as being all powerful and have a power greater than myself . My sponsor alco pointed out that we have low self esteem with a grandiose god complex which does not make sense and that is why we need to rebuild our self esteem and begin o trust in a Power Greater than ourselves This is one of the changed attitudes I needed to embrace.
Great topic.
Fooled said
Nov 16, 2016
From what I learned in going to family support groups and face to face meetings for both my qualifiers is that the qualifiers circle is so big whereas a "normal" person recognizes that they are just a blip or a spec in the universe. As each time the qualifier pulls us into his/her circle to use us to enable them or support their habit and then push us back of their circle, we tend to get upset or hurt and try to push our way back in the circle. A "normal" child learns empathy and compassion and they are a small blip in the universe around puberty. Put them in a home growing up with a qualifier and the need to be in that circle follows them their whole life until they enter recovery.
I too hate to think of myself as conceited but when I started to look at my thinking process, it was almost a sense of entitlement. Look at what I put up with from you? I deserve this or that. I am working hard at pulling myself back out of the circle and recognizing I am a just a blip in the universe and entitled to nothing.
Good question el-cee
FooledMeTwice said
Nov 16, 2016
Dearest Fooled ~ your quote "I am a just a blip in the universe and entitled to nothing." is so untrue. I know that you and I believe in the same HP and with that in mind you know in your heart that you are not just a blip in the universe and not entitled to anything. You are entitled to every good in the world that our HP blessed us with ..... just like I am ....and just like every poster on this board is. I'm sure it makes our HP very sad to think that you are actually trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough to be blessed with his blessings. I know you are struggling right now but please have faith that your HP loves you and that you deserve wonderful things in your life and you deserve to be treated with love, care and respect. And don't forget I love you also!!! Hang in there chickie! Brighter days are ahead for both of us!!! I have faith in that!!!
Fooled said
Nov 16, 2016
FooledMeTwice wrote:
Dearest Fooled ~ your quote "I am a just a blip in the universe and entitled to nothing." is so untrue. I know that you and I believe in the same HP and with that in mind you know in your heart that you are not just a blip in the universe and not entitled to anything. You are entitled to every good in the world that our HP blessed us with ..... just like I am ....and just like every poster on this board is. I'm sure it makes our HP very sad to think that you are actually trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough to be blessed with his blessings. I know you are struggling right now but please have faith that your HP loves you and that you deserve wonderful things in your life and you deserve to be treated with love, care and respect. And don't forget I love you also!!! Hang in there chickie! Brighter days are ahead for both of us!!! I have faith in that!!!
I so love you as well my friend and you are a blessing in my life! I did not mean I was undeserving of the things that our HP has brought to us since I have allowed Him to guide me and follow His will. I am talking about the things we have discussed as tangibles that we are not entitled to. For so long I have taken on all the burdens and not trusted my HP to handle it. Allowing myself to be "just a blip in the universe", one of many in my household, has been life changing for me in realizing I have no control. No worries, doll. I am learning my value and my assets and how to let my HP handle things His way. ((Hugs))
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2016
Great topic El-Cee and great shares above me....For me, vanity and conceit are the same and are more superficial. I do agree with Webster's definition --- inflated pride in oneself or ones appearance; conceit. What makes it a possible issue is the 'inflated' part.
Ego for me is what Betty suggests. It's not always bad based on this common definition - a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. What I know about me from my step work is that my black/white thinking caused huge blips in my sense of self. When things were going well, I took the credit and felt good/great. When things were not going well, I accepted the blame and felt defeated/sad/mad/enraged.
In recovery, as I am processing a situation, a problem or a solution, I've been taught to watch closely for I statements. I wish, I hope, I think, I want....these statements are the ones where I am pulling away from my HP and my spiritual program. I had an exchange last night with my first born and it was far from positive. What I took away from this is he is hurting, he is lashing out, he still blames me and it's frustrating in the moment. However, what I concluded after a discussion with my sponsor and another with God is that he's still finding his way, he's not mature yet and there is still hope. What happened well - I did not react or respond. I did not JADE and I was able to be present in the middle of a tantrum from a 24 year old. What did not go well - he's still of the habit, belief, mindset or ??? that I am the cause and solution for all his life issues. We are both still in progress.
My goal is to stay in that 'middle of the boat area' as often as possible. Clearly life brings us things we did not expect/anticipate. However, this program gives me tools to do better/be better. I did get in my car last night, and my first thoughts were not about God, my recovery or anything else. I really, really wanted to climb on my pity party and feel like doo-doo because my son doesn't like me. What I know is that's a bad place for me to go and nothing good ever comes from that as I tend to pile on top and create mountains out of ant hills. I did what I've been told to do - called my sponsor and we talked it out.
As far as my place in the universe - my God wants me happy, joyous and free. He's always wanted that even in the moments I walked away/turned my back. He wants to same for all of us imperfect humans here on Earth and does not bring us more than we can handle. No matter how spiritual my life/path are, I am no more worthy than a convict of God's grace. This for me is how I check my ego - reminding myself that I am an imperfect person living with other imperfect people in an imperfect world and we are all doing our best to find our joy, happiness and peace.
When I can interrupt that thinking process with any tool from our program, my serenity threat is minimized greatly. When I allow that negative thinking process to progress, it's harder to recover. Today, I am willing to go to any length to stay as close to the middle of the boat as possible, and if that includes letting my negative son vent at me, to me and about me - I accept that.
I don't know if this helps El-Cee but when I begin to wonder about things not going my way, I try to focus on what is good and how so many, many things have turned out way better than I thought when I put my trust in God, the program and my growth. (((Hugs)))
Calm Lady said
Nov 16, 2016
The thought that I am a diddy little blip in the universe gives my great comfort. I don't have to fix my qualifier. I can quietly go about my business.
sarahGee said
Nov 16, 2016
el-cee wrote:
does this come from our childhood or is it just to do with our distorted thought processes? I feel its linked with my major shortcoming of being emotionally immature. What do you think?
Awesome topic!
I'm really struggling with this right now. I know I'm emotionally immature and tend to think everything is about me. Where I struggle is that the A will tell me it IS about me.
Ie: I use because of YOU
An emotionally mature person would think - "no, you drink because you're an A. We may have difficulties between us, but I am not forcing you to choose alcohol"
Me (immature) - What did I do? Why do you hate me? Why am I not good enough? Then I defend defend defend and everything gets 20x worse than it was before.
I have no idea where it stems from. I know that I struggle to feel heard. Validated I guess. I can see where I was stunted emotionally as a child, but I don't have a good grip on it. My ego is way out of whack. If it were normal, I would be able to step back and allow people to feel their feelings about me. Whether I believe they are right or wrong, I wouldn't care. It's how they feel.
I really have no ESH as I'm stuck here also.
el-cee said
Nov 16, 2016
I've heard the smaller we get the higher we rise towards our higher powers will. I also want to be a tiny spec but sometimes I'm the size of a small planet.x
milkwood said
Nov 16, 2016
Great topic El-cee.
A few days ago I was really aware of how my ego/conceit was capable of rising in the most irrational way - I knew that I was the cause of my own discomfort! I was slipping into victimhood about our earthquake - upset at the cracks in our walls and the changes in our environment and routine. I knew in my head that none of this had anything to do with me and yet I could feel myself getting ready to pout! At which point, it helps to just laugh!!
As those above have said, I too think that I am simply a blip and that is a comforting thought. I remember when I was about fifteen discovering a quote that brought that home to me. At the same time I also think that blips have value, mainly because even a planet the size of Jupiter is made of molecules, they are our building blocks for life - miraculous! Deserving and incredibly relevant to the balance of everything.
Being a blip with good and constructive energy is my overarching ambition in life!
el-cee said
Nov 17, 2016
I hadnt realised you were so close to the earthquake Milwood, im glad your okay, its scary stuff, I cant imagine living with the threat of one. The program helps us with everything life can throw at us, you sound so good these days.x
Yesterdays reading was a good one, all about how when we take a hurt it can be because we think the whole world revolves around us and we get upset when a person or situation doesn't go our way. Wow, this is me right now and I hadn't linked it to being conceited, I had to look that word up and it means being egotistical, vain and narcissistic. Where does this shortcoming come from? I mean when we live within alcoholism its not as if we get the idea we are the centre of the universe or do we? does this come from our childhood or is it just to do with our distorted thought processes? I feel its linked with my major shortcoming of being emotionally immature. What do you think?
Yes, I can be conceited, but I also believe I have valid needs and sometimes when those 'wants' (probably not an actual need) go unmet, I act like a spoiled brat in my head making those shortcomings and lackings all about me. I've learned I have to take on someone else's perspective. I need to separate myself from my perceived transgressions and I need to learn to fix it, meet that need or want, or address it emotionally within myself using program and friends from program, as well.
I know, in my heart, that I am not the center of the universe but I often get resentful if I feel that I am giving my ALL in a relationship (or at work or with my son or whatever) and I feel taken for granted or as if there is an imbalance. We're all human and vanity and conceit and ego go hand in hand with being a human being. These feelings are nothing new and I honestly don't associate it with codependency, I associate it with me just feeling slighted, wanting fairness, wanting balance in my relationships even if my perceptions are wrong.
I believe that living with the disease of alcoholism I developed these concepts because i was always blamed and because I thought that I f i "caused it" I could fix it!!! It made me feel powerful and in control.
Alanon taught me That I did not cause it,could not control it and that "EGO" meant "Easing God Out" and that is what I did as I saw myself as HP. Now thanks to program i have resigned as being all powerful and have a power greater than myself .
My sponsor alco pointed out that we have low self esteem with a grandiose god complex which does not make sense and that is why we need to rebuild our self esteem and begin o trust in a Power Greater than ourselves This is one of the changed attitudes I needed to embrace.
Great topic.
I too hate to think of myself as conceited but when I started to look at my thinking process, it was almost a sense of entitlement. Look at what I put up with from you? I deserve this or that. I am working hard at pulling myself back out of the circle and recognizing I am a just a blip in the universe and entitled to nothing.
Good question el-cee
Dearest Fooled ~ your quote " I am a just a blip in the universe and entitled to nothing." is so untrue. I know that you and I believe in the same HP and with that in mind you know in your heart that you are not just a blip in the universe and not entitled to anything. You are entitled to every good in the world that our HP blessed us with ..... just like I am ....and just like every poster on this board is. I'm sure it makes our HP very sad to think that you are actually trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough to be blessed with his blessings. I know you are struggling right now but please have faith that your HP loves you and that you deserve wonderful things in your life and you deserve to be treated with love, care and respect. And don't forget I love you also!!! Hang in there chickie! Brighter days are ahead for both of us!!! I have faith in that!!!
I so love you as well my friend and you are a blessing in my life! I did not mean I was undeserving of the things that our HP has brought to us since I have allowed Him to guide me and follow His will. I am talking about the things we have discussed as tangibles that we are not entitled to. For so long I have taken on all the burdens and not trusted my HP to handle it. Allowing myself to be "just a blip in the universe", one of many in my household, has been life changing for me in realizing I have no control. No worries, doll. I am learning my value and my assets and how to let my HP handle things His way. ((Hugs))
Ego for me is what Betty suggests. It's not always bad based on this common definition - a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. What I know about me from my step work is that my black/white thinking caused huge blips in my sense of self. When things were going well, I took the credit and felt good/great. When things were not going well, I accepted the blame and felt defeated/sad/mad/enraged.
In recovery, as I am processing a situation, a problem or a solution, I've been taught to watch closely for I statements. I wish, I hope, I think, I want....these statements are the ones where I am pulling away from my HP and my spiritual program. I had an exchange last night with my first born and it was far from positive. What I took away from this is he is hurting, he is lashing out, he still blames me and it's frustrating in the moment. However, what I concluded after a discussion with my sponsor and another with God is that he's still finding his way, he's not mature yet and there is still hope. What happened well - I did not react or respond. I did not JADE and I was able to be present in the middle of a tantrum from a 24 year old. What did not go well - he's still of the habit, belief, mindset or ??? that I am the cause and solution for all his life issues. We are both still in progress.
My goal is to stay in that 'middle of the boat area' as often as possible. Clearly life brings us things we did not expect/anticipate. However, this program gives me tools to do better/be better. I did get in my car last night, and my first thoughts were not about God, my recovery or anything else. I really, really wanted to climb on my pity party and feel like doo-doo because my son doesn't like me. What I know is that's a bad place for me to go and nothing good ever comes from that as I tend to pile on top and create mountains out of ant hills. I did what I've been told to do - called my sponsor and we talked it out.
As far as my place in the universe - my God wants me happy, joyous and free. He's always wanted that even in the moments I walked away/turned my back. He wants to same for all of us imperfect humans here on Earth and does not bring us more than we can handle. No matter how spiritual my life/path are, I am no more worthy than a convict of God's grace. This for me is how I check my ego - reminding myself that I am an imperfect person living with other imperfect people in an imperfect world and we are all doing our best to find our joy, happiness and peace.
When I can interrupt that thinking process with any tool from our program, my serenity threat is minimized greatly. When I allow that negative thinking process to progress, it's harder to recover. Today, I am willing to go to any length to stay as close to the middle of the boat as possible, and if that includes letting my negative son vent at me, to me and about me - I accept that.
I don't know if this helps El-Cee but when I begin to wonder about things not going my way, I try to focus on what is good and how so many, many things have turned out way better than I thought when I put my trust in God, the program and my growth. (((Hugs)))
Awesome topic!
I'm really struggling with this right now. I know I'm emotionally immature and tend to think everything is about me. Where I struggle is that the A will tell me it IS about me.
Ie: I use because of YOU
An emotionally mature person would think - "no, you drink because you're an A. We may have difficulties between us, but I am not forcing you to choose alcohol"
Me (immature) - What did I do? Why do you hate me? Why am I not good enough? Then I defend defend defend and everything gets 20x worse than it was before.
I have no idea where it stems from. I know that I struggle to feel heard. Validated I guess. I can see where I was stunted emotionally as a child, but I don't have a good grip on it. My ego is way out of whack. If it were normal, I would be able to step back and allow people to feel their feelings about me. Whether I believe they are right or wrong, I wouldn't care. It's how they feel.
I really have no ESH as I'm stuck here also.
A few days ago I was really aware of how my ego/conceit was capable of rising in the most irrational way - I knew that I was the cause of my own discomfort! I was slipping into victimhood about our earthquake - upset at the cracks in our walls and the changes in our environment and routine. I knew in my head that none of this had anything to do with me and yet I could feel myself getting ready to pout! At which point, it helps to just laugh!!
As those above have said, I too think that I am simply a blip and that is a comforting thought. I remember when I was about fifteen discovering a quote that brought that home to me. At the same time I also think that blips have value, mainly because even a planet the size of Jupiter is made of molecules, they are our building blocks for life - miraculous! Deserving and incredibly relevant to the balance of everything.
Being a blip with good and constructive energy is my overarching ambition in life!