Been reading a lot here, to help me get strength. Reading lots of posts on divorce, taking comfort in the fact so many others have trod this beaten path. Finally told my AH this weekend that I am ready to move forward with divorce. Been living apart for 15 months, and I don't see much will to change on his part. He has built up a wall of denial and false jollity, and lack of accountability. I really hoped his car accident (hit and run) 7 weeks ago, and consequent loss of our kids living with him half time would be enough - but it's still all words. I feel awful for him. He is very alone - he has few friends, his family is far away, and he seems to be just passively accepting what life is handing him at this point. It's so painful to watch.
I told our kids last night. I was hoping he and I could do that together, but he has not cooperated with me on anything to support our boys in all this time. Or should I say, his ideas on support are different than mine. Mine are more about facing where we are all at, and letting the difficult feelings arise. His are more about acting like everything is fine, having shows of affection in front of the kids (i.e., forcing me to hug him), etc. I guess without making either of us wrong in our approach, I have learned that honest, transparency and authenticity are non-negotiables for me in a committed relationship.
Telling my kids was the worst moment of my life to date. I watched pain, fear, anger and more cross the face of my younger son simultaneously, and disappointment and defeat on the face of my older son (they are 11 and 14). Hurting your kids like that is obviously the last thing anybody would want.
I am so very very grateful to have Alanon in my life, and all of you. I see how much support I have, so many positive examples of people figuring out how to navigate their lives gracefully, and honestly, one day at a time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am also so fortunate to have supportive friends and family. I feel so sad for my AH that he does not have these resources, but I also know they are there if he chooses to reach out and be honest about what is going on. Nothing I can do about that, though.
Hardest part is my 11 year old feels I have not been supportive of his dad. Of course there is a lot he does not see or understand. Last night he yelled, you should be supporting Dad instead of divorcing him. It's just so hard to know what to say... I really struggle with that.
Thanks for being here. This place is such a refuge. Especially these days, when it is hard to get to meetings (they are few and over the dinner hour). I have learned sooo much from you all.
-- Edited by oceanpine on Tuesday 15th of November 2016 04:00:19 PM
sarahGee said
Nov 15, 2016
(((oceanpine))) I am so, so sorry.
I can relate, telling your children of divorce is excruciating. It was 7 years ago for me, and it is burned in my mind like it happened yesterday.
I can tell you that it does get better for your kids. I am not sure where your ex will land, hopefully he chooses to get himself better.
My ex and I have an amazing relationship now. He still frustrates me almost constantly, but my kids are protected from it. They know nothing other than their Dad loves them so much.
Sometimes he doesn't show up. We struggle financially because he chooses not to help as much as he can. Sometimes he's really difficult to be around.. BUT, children... your home, your safe space is here with mom & thankfully we don't have to deal with Dad & those upsets all too often.
My kids have grown into amazing young men and I am so proud of them. I know had we stayed under the same roof as their dad, they would not have become the gentlemen they are today.
I have 3 boys. My oldest has terrible anxiety when he knows he's supposed to see his dad. He throws up, he feels dizzy and emotional. My youngest gets let down a lot and I spend a lot of time hugging him and telling him it's OK to feel what he's feeling inside. My middle son doesn't voice his troubles too often. He's a happy, loving kid and has a lot of patience. That could very well change one day, I don't know. I hope not.
They don't know even 1/4 of the garbage I have to handle with their dad, and I keep it that way. They are kids & they deserve to have a healthy, happy childhood. Keep the grown up stuff between the grown ups.
I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know that time will pass and even though you may not see it now through all the heart ache, you are doing your kids a favor. Stability will help them.
And you're right, there is so much that they don't see. They will question you and possibly even blame you.
Keep them talking, always keep them talking. Validate their pain and allow them to feel it. Then you can get to the root of why their heart is hurting and do your best to help repair it.
No easy task. You are not alone <3
oceanpine said
Nov 15, 2016
Thank you for your wise and empathetic words. They are a gift to my hurting heart.
Iamhere said
Nov 15, 2016
Oceanpine - sending you thoughts and prayers.....I've no experience in this arena directly but have friends who've moved on with the divorce option. I have to agree with Sarah - it adds a new level of complexity but the children adjust well so long as they are loved and protected from the adult 'stuff'. It's the kids who are told their parent is 'bad' that struggle the most. No child, even if it is true, wants to hear that they have a bad parent or any of the other 'fault' stuff. They just want to be happy, have fun and be kids.
We are here for you - one great thing I learned in recovery - I get to choose dinner time! If my meeting is at 6pm, dinner is at 4:45. Your home, your schedule, your rules!!!
(((Hugs))) - keep working on you and your program - trust the process and HP.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 15, 2016
Hugs .. Soo sorry you are going through this .. No one gets married to get divorced .. Keep coming back Alanon was a safe place during the divorce drama for me. S :)
e_i_m said
Nov 15, 2016
I can give you my perspective as the only child of two alcoholic parents who didn't divorce while I was a kid (they had divorced and remarried prior to having me, then divorced after I left home, but still kept getting back together). I used to BEG them to get divorced and/or send me away to live with some other relative or to boarding school (not a financial option, I realize now as an adult, but as a kid I watched lots of movies) and I ran away from home often. My parents' fighting and drunkeness, violence and chaos and the role of "parent" that I felt I had to take on was not what I wanted as a child. They said they were staying together for my sake (a, wtf? and b, that wasn't true -- they were stuck in codependent morass). If they had divorced, things would have been different -- maybe better, maybe worse, but certainly different. If they had ever stopped drinking and gotten therapy, things would have definitely been better. I had some rough patches in my life but I'm really happy with who I am today (thanks in large part to al-anon and thanks in large part to my folks who had many fine qualities). So..... you're probably not going to ruin your kids' lives either way.
hi, Alanon Family,
Been reading a lot here, to help me get strength. Reading lots of posts on divorce, taking comfort in the fact so many others have trod this beaten path. Finally told my AH this weekend that I am ready to move forward with divorce. Been living apart for 15 months, and I don't see much will to change on his part. He has built up a wall of denial and false jollity, and lack of accountability. I really hoped his car accident (hit and run) 7 weeks ago, and consequent loss of our kids living with him half time would be enough - but it's still all words. I feel awful for him. He is very alone - he has few friends, his family is far away, and he seems to be just passively accepting what life is handing him at this point. It's so painful to watch.
I told our kids last night. I was hoping he and I could do that together, but he has not cooperated with me on anything to support our boys in all this time. Or should I say, his ideas on support are different than mine. Mine are more about facing where we are all at, and letting the difficult feelings arise. His are more about acting like everything is fine, having shows of affection in front of the kids (i.e., forcing me to hug him), etc. I guess without making either of us wrong in our approach, I have learned that honest, transparency and authenticity are non-negotiables for me in a committed relationship.
Telling my kids was the worst moment of my life to date. I watched pain, fear, anger and more cross the face of my younger son simultaneously, and disappointment and defeat on the face of my older son (they are 11 and 14). Hurting your kids like that is obviously the last thing anybody would want.
I am so very very grateful to have Alanon in my life, and all of you. I see how much support I have, so many positive examples of people figuring out how to navigate their lives gracefully, and honestly, one day at a time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am also so fortunate to have supportive friends and family. I feel so sad for my AH that he does not have these resources, but I also know they are there if he chooses to reach out and be honest about what is going on. Nothing I can do about that, though.
Hardest part is my 11 year old feels I have not been supportive of his dad. Of course there is a lot he does not see or understand. Last night he yelled, you should be supporting Dad instead of divorcing him. It's just so hard to know what to say... I really struggle with that.
Thanks for being here. This place is such a refuge. Especially these days, when it is hard to get to meetings (they are few and over the dinner hour). I have learned sooo much from you all.
-- Edited by oceanpine on Tuesday 15th of November 2016 04:00:19 PM
I can relate, telling your children of divorce is excruciating. It was 7 years ago for me, and it is burned in my mind like it happened yesterday.
I can tell you that it does get better for your kids. I am not sure where your ex will land, hopefully he chooses to get himself better.
My ex and I have an amazing relationship now. He still frustrates me almost constantly, but my kids are protected from it. They know nothing other than their Dad loves them so much.
Sometimes he doesn't show up. We struggle financially because he chooses not to help as much as he can. Sometimes he's really difficult to be around.. BUT, children... your home, your safe space is here with mom & thankfully we don't have to deal with Dad & those upsets all too often.
My kids have grown into amazing young men and I am so proud of them. I know had we stayed under the same roof as their dad, they would not have become the gentlemen they are today.
I have 3 boys. My oldest has terrible anxiety when he knows he's supposed to see his dad. He throws up, he feels dizzy and emotional. My youngest gets let down a lot and I spend a lot of time hugging him and telling him it's OK to feel what he's feeling inside. My middle son doesn't voice his troubles too often. He's a happy, loving kid and has a lot of patience. That could very well change one day, I don't know. I hope not.
They don't know even 1/4 of the garbage I have to handle with their dad, and I keep it that way. They are kids & they deserve to have a healthy, happy childhood. Keep the grown up stuff between the grown ups.
I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know that time will pass and even though you may not see it now through all the heart ache, you are doing your kids a favor. Stability will help them.
And you're right, there is so much that they don't see. They will question you and possibly even blame you.
Keep them talking, always keep them talking. Validate their pain and allow them to feel it. Then you can get to the root of why their heart is hurting and do your best to help repair it.
No easy task. You are not alone <3
We are here for you - one great thing I learned in recovery - I get to choose dinner time! If my meeting is at 6pm, dinner is at 4:45. Your home, your schedule, your rules!!!
(((Hugs))) - keep working on you and your program - trust the process and HP.