Sister in recovery has never made amends but says it's unfair to use her past against her
Familyofaddicts said
Nov 15, 2016
I'm posting here because I don't know where else to post this.
My sister got out of prison 2 years ago. Before that she was on all kinds of drugs and into many illegal activities. She now lives in a recovery house.
Before going to prison she stole about $6000 worth of things from me. This is nothing compared to what she stole from both of my (divorced) parents. She stole from me about 5 years ago at this point. Before she got out of prison we had no kind of relationship what so ever. After she got out of prison she badgered me a lot, leaving messages, sending me cards (I completely stopped talking to my father for giving my sister my phone number and address). After a few months of this I texted her back a few times to get her to leave me alone. I probably sent her a total of 5 text messages. None of the messages said anything about forgiving her, nor did she explicitly ask for forgiveness. She said she knew she had done some f***d up things and she was getting her life on track and I said I was glad to hear it. This was the last time I spoke to her and over a year ago.
Last month our mother died. She didn't have any money, and few possessions. She didn't have a will, and we are her only children. All of the money issues were handled by my grandmother which I was fine with. After paying for the cremation, lawyer, and whatever else me and my sister both got checks for $300.
I flew out to clean out my mothers house. My sister didn't. She told my grandmother she didn't go because her recovery house wouldn't let her, although I think she just couldn't afford it. Or she's still on probation and lying about that, because my grandmother thinks she's off probation.
I boxed up many things and sent them home to myself, as did my grandmother. My grandmother sent a few things to my sister, but no where near as much as I sent home to myself because my grandmother couldn't afford the shipping and I wasn't willing to pay to send anything to my sister. I spent a total of $900 at FedEx for mine and my grandmothers boxes. The rest of my mothers belongings were donated or thrown away.
I sold my mothers grandfather clock to an old friend of hers for about a grand. My grandmother told my sister this, and now my sister is demanding half of that money. My grandmother also thinks I should be giving my sister half of this money.
I don't think I need to. She isn't legally entitled to this money. She got the money she was legally entitled to. As far as I'm concerned, my sister still owes me money so why she would expect me to hand anything over to her is beyond me.
She sent me an email (the first communication we've had in a year) telling me she wants half the money from the clock. I told her I don't care what she wants, she wasn't there to claim what she wants so I'm not sending her anything. She asked me why, so I told her that I had no legal obligation to share the things I collected from my mothers house with her, and because she stole so much from me I have no desire to either. She responded by calling me a "greedy b" and a "miserable a person" for "holding things over her head that happened years ago."
I also got a phone call from my grandmother telling me that shouldn't bring up her past and I shouldn't keep her mothers things from her especially since I got so much more than my sister. My grandmother says I need to be "gentle with her" as she is "learning to live a sober life." That's not how I see it. The clock would have been thrown away or claimed by my mothers landlord had I not found someone to buy it. So for all my sister knows it could have been trash, it's not as though this money from the clock has sentimental value for my sister.
Plus, why not hold these things over her head? She never apologized, and she was never forgiven. It was 5 years ago. That's not very long ago. I imagine if my sister (or my grandmother, or anyone) was robbed 5 years ago they would still be mad about it, yes? And what does her living a sober life have to do with me? Good for her, but her getting herself out of a terrible situation doesn't negate the awful things she's done.
I have never been an addict myself, but I am farmiliar with the 12 steps and it clearly says make amends. My sister is a narcissist (as is my father, she gets it honestly), so saying "I know I've done some messed up things" is what I'm assuming is as close to an apology as she is capable of. Not my problem she didn't learn how to properly apologize or make amends while in rehab. If she had never stolen from me, or properly apologized, my attitude about this would be different. I'm not saying simply speaking an apology would make me forgive her, but it would be a start.
I spent way more than what I got from my clock on the trip out there (I paid for myself and my grandmother) for us to get the few things of my mothers that we did, which my sister benefited from. I did plenty.
Am I being a terrible person or sticking to my boundaries?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of November 2016 01:59:17 PM
sarahGee said
Nov 15, 2016
I don't think you have to explain yourself or your choices. If that is the way you feel, than that is the way you feel.
In Al Anon we learn not to "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain). There is no need for it, and anything you try to explain will never come across properly the addict or those who enable them.
If you feel that you are within your rights to keep the money, then keep it and don't carry on conversation about it. Neither with your Grandmother or your sister. This is all a part of building boundaries. "Yes" and "No" are complete answers.
It's wonderful that your sister is sober for her healths sake. But the act of drinking/drugging is only one part of the disease. There are many personality traits and manipulations that come along with it. This is why we are here together, learning how to deal with those traits and our own traits that exacerbate those behaviors.
I am in the same boat as you as far as sticking to my boundaries. Different stories all together, but I am making decisions that are best for ME (instead of the alcoholics/addicts around me) and I am getting all kinds of flack for it.
The more I try to explain my decisions, the harder I make it for myself. So I stopped explaining. Even that comes with a wave of drama. Al Anon helps us prepare ourselves to deal with the fall out we face when we stop enabling and participating in the addiction. There is hope on the other side.
I completely understand where you are coming from. You are not alone!!
lookingup said
Nov 15, 2016
Hi familyofaddicts,I really like your title,familyofaddicts,same here ,all addicts in my foo ,you done great ,you stood your ground with your sisters behavior,I come from a family of non recovering addicts,I choose not to deal with them today,I do still talk on phone to my father who is still active in his alcoholism,slowed down a bunch only because of age he is 83 y/o,I'm currently learning to use my alanon tools ,finding that I use them a lot when in a bad sit.i grab tools I didn't even know I had,I guess they were always there just in case,I found them,alanon tools have really helped me a lot along with working my program to the best of my ability,I keep on a keeping on,with my program.this is a dreadful desease for us and all those involved.......glad your here,,,,keep coming back,,,,,(((((hugs)))) lu
Jerry F said
Nov 15, 2016
Family in the AFG we do not give advise...we share our experiences strengths and hope and do not take on the responsibility for the consequences of advise on purpose. I have been there and done that my self in my family when connected relatives passed on and left assets to those who followed. I knew that the beneficiaries would carry on and so I wouldn't carry on with resentments especially in my family of origin which was and still is consumed in the disease and very dysfunctional because of it. Today there is nothing about having money that holds it in such high regard with me that I will war over it. I was just speaking with my alcoholic/addict son about this yesterday...I don't even carry it around with me so that I can recovery from false reactive need. When it comes to loving relationships money is not in the mix unless I am giving it without strings. This is how the Al-Anon Family Groups has helped to retrain me with humility and honesty and acceptance.
Al-Anon is a program of principles which we learn to live by. Find a local meeting and join us...listen and learn and do what is right for you. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
a4l said
Nov 15, 2016
To me the right thing to do would be to decide together what to keep and what to give away and what to sell. None of that stuff will ever be seen again. That would sadden me alot.
tiredtonite said
Nov 15, 2016
Hi FamilyofAddicts,
I see this is your first post. Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I was so grateful for unconditional love at face to face Alanon meetings when I lost my mother. Like you, I had much more interaction with family afterwards because the estate needed settling. I will share with you a little of went on in my own situation. My brother who is an active alcoholic was executor of the estate. My brother is highly functioning and very controlling. He has a lot of unresolved resentments concerning me. He's felt he was saddled with more responsibility than he signed up for. You see.. I moved away and he lived within driving distance of our mother. I had expressed my gratitude to him at times for taking care of our parent and offered help at times as well. At the risk of taking his inventory... he chose time and time again to play the martyr - the one who does it all.. well because if he doesn't who will, right? In my humble opinion, this is usually the stance of the unrecovering Alanon. I know first hand, because I use to be one. I accepted that our mother made him executor and I surrendered it all to my hp when my mother died. I knew I had been taken care of my higher power and would continue to be. My serenity depended on how wisely I made choices concerning participation and detachment. I prayed to be guided concerning both. My brother has never expressed any sorrow concerning our mother since her death. He fulfilled the task assigned to him and I believe he did it fairly. I may be wrong but if he didn't that's on him not me. I continue to have a relationship with him on terms that are acceptable for him. Basically, I meet him where he's at. My life is good with or without him in it. But I will tell you, despite his disease, his flaws, innuendos, actions that were hurtful he is my brother and I love him. Since losing our mother, I am even more grateful to have him in my life even a little. One of my greatest prayers that's unanswered so far is that he would get sober. You are so lucky your sister has found recovery. I wish you both the best on your recovery journeys and that it only brings you closer as sisters.
Only you can decide whether your motive is clean concerning the decisions you're making about what is in your mom's home. You've mentioned a lot of things in your post about your sister's actions from the past. Alanon at least to my estimation of recovery is about keeping my side of the street clean. I guess what I would ask myself if it were me is would my mother want me paid back for what my sister owes to me by selling her things to get that money? Your mom had a voice. Are your actions honoring it today? Your sister has a voice too. I wish you the best in working through this with your family. Your grandmother sound very loving. I wish her healing concerning the loss of her child. (((hugs))) TT
Iamhere said
Nov 15, 2016
I too welcome you to MIP FamilyofAddicts....so glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction is a progressive disease for which there really is not cure. Treatment does consist of abstinence and recovery support. It's also considered a family disease - meaning every one is usually negatively affected in one way or another.
As mentioned above, we do not give advice - only share our own ESH. I really have no experience in dealing with this type of situation but can say that when I am faced with any challenge, I do lean into my Al-Anon recovery program for the answers. We work a spiritual program that allows us to make decisions based on our own needs and the best choice based on our own circumstances.
My best suggestion is to seek some recovery for yourself - it's there where I found my best voice and my best version of me to deal with this disease in my own family.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
My sister got out of prison 2 years ago. Before that she was on all kinds of drugs and into many illegal activities. She now lives in a recovery house.
Before going to prison she stole about $6000 worth of things from me. This is nothing compared to what she stole from both of my (divorced) parents. She stole from me about 5 years ago at this point. Before she got out of prison we had no kind of relationship what so ever. After she got out of prison she badgered me a lot, leaving messages, sending me cards (I completely stopped talking to my father for giving my sister my phone number and address). After a few months of this I texted her back a few times to get her to leave me alone. I probably sent her a total of 5 text messages. None of the messages said anything about forgiving her, nor did she explicitly ask for forgiveness. She said she knew she had done some f***d up things and she was getting her life on track and I said I was glad to hear it. This was the last time I spoke to her and over a year ago.
Last month our mother died. She didn't have any money, and few possessions. She didn't have a will, and we are her only children. All of the money issues were handled by my grandmother which I was fine with. After paying for the cremation, lawyer, and whatever else me and my sister both got checks for $300.
I flew out to clean out my mothers house. My sister didn't. She told my grandmother she didn't go because her recovery house wouldn't let her, although I think she just couldn't afford it. Or she's still on probation and lying about that, because my grandmother thinks she's off probation.
I boxed up many things and sent them home to myself, as did my grandmother. My grandmother sent a few things to my sister, but no where near as much as I sent home to myself because my grandmother couldn't afford the shipping and I wasn't willing to pay to send anything to my sister. I spent a total of $900 at FedEx for mine and my grandmothers boxes. The rest of my mothers belongings were donated or thrown away.
I sold my mothers grandfather clock to an old friend of hers for about a grand. My grandmother told my sister this, and now my sister is demanding half of that money. My grandmother also thinks I should be giving my sister half of this money.
I don't think I need to. She isn't legally entitled to this money. She got the money she was legally entitled to. As far as I'm concerned, my sister still owes me money so why she would expect me to hand anything over to her is beyond me.
She sent me an email (the first communication we've had in a year) telling me she wants half the money from the clock. I told her I don't care what she wants, she wasn't there to claim what she wants so I'm not sending her anything. She asked me why, so I told her that I had no legal obligation to share the things I collected from my mothers house with her, and because she stole so much from me I have no desire to either. She responded by calling me a "greedy b" and a "miserable a person" for "holding things over her head that happened years ago."
I also got a phone call from my grandmother telling me that shouldn't bring up her past and I shouldn't keep her mothers things from her especially since I got so much more than my sister. My grandmother says I need to be "gentle with her" as she is "learning to live a sober life." That's not how I see it. The clock would have been thrown away or claimed by my mothers landlord had I not found someone to buy it. So for all my sister knows it could have been trash, it's not as though this money from the clock has sentimental value for my sister.
Plus, why not hold these things over her head? She never apologized, and she was never forgiven. It was 5 years ago. That's not very long ago. I imagine if my sister (or my grandmother, or anyone) was robbed 5 years ago they would still be mad about it, yes? And what does her living a sober life have to do with me? Good for her, but her getting herself out of a terrible situation doesn't negate the awful things she's done.
I have never been an addict myself, but I am farmiliar with the 12 steps and it clearly says make amends. My sister is a narcissist (as is my father, she gets it honestly), so saying "I know I've done some messed up things" is what I'm assuming is as close to an apology as she is capable of. Not my problem she didn't learn how to properly apologize or make amends while in rehab. If she had never stolen from me, or properly apologized, my attitude about this would be different. I'm not saying simply speaking an apology would make me forgive her, but it would be a start.
I spent way more than what I got from my clock on the trip out there (I paid for myself and my grandmother) for us to get the few things of my mothers that we did, which my sister benefited from. I did plenty.
Am I being a terrible person or sticking to my boundaries?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of November 2016 01:59:17 PM
In Al Anon we learn not to "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain). There is no need for it, and anything you try to explain will never come across properly the addict or those who enable them.
If you feel that you are within your rights to keep the money, then keep it and don't carry on conversation about it. Neither with your Grandmother or your sister. This is all a part of building boundaries. "Yes" and "No" are complete answers.
It's wonderful that your sister is sober for her healths sake. But the act of drinking/drugging is only one part of the disease. There are many personality traits and manipulations that come along with it. This is why we are here together, learning how to deal with those traits and our own traits that exacerbate those behaviors.
I am in the same boat as you as far as sticking to my boundaries. Different stories all together, but I am making decisions that are best for ME (instead of the alcoholics/addicts around me) and I am getting all kinds of flack for it.
The more I try to explain my decisions, the harder I make it for myself. So I stopped explaining. Even that comes with a wave of drama. Al Anon helps us prepare ourselves to deal with the fall out we face when we stop enabling and participating in the addiction. There is hope on the other side.
I completely understand where you are coming from. You are not alone!!
Family in the AFG we do not give advise...we share our experiences strengths and hope and do not take on the responsibility for the consequences of advise on purpose. I have been there and done that my self in my family when connected relatives passed on and left assets to those who followed. I knew that the beneficiaries would carry on and so I wouldn't carry on with resentments especially in my family of origin which was and still is consumed in the disease and very dysfunctional because of it. Today there is nothing about having money that holds it in such high regard with me that I will war over it. I was just speaking with my alcoholic/addict son about this yesterday...I don't even carry it around with me so that I can recovery from false reactive need. When it comes to loving relationships money is not in the mix unless I am giving it without strings. This is how the Al-Anon Family Groups has helped to retrain me with humility and honesty and acceptance.
Al-Anon is a program of principles which we learn to live by. Find a local meeting and join us...listen and learn and do what is right for you. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Hi FamilyofAddicts,
I see this is your first post. Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I was so grateful for unconditional love at face to face Alanon meetings when I lost my mother. Like you, I had much more interaction with family afterwards because the estate needed settling. I will share with you a little of went on in my own situation. My brother who is an active alcoholic was executor of the estate. My brother is highly functioning and very controlling. He has a lot of unresolved resentments concerning me. He's felt he was saddled with more responsibility than he signed up for. You see.. I moved away and he lived within driving distance of our mother. I had expressed my gratitude to him at times for taking care of our parent and offered help at times as well. At the risk of taking his inventory... he chose time and time again to play the martyr - the one who does it all.. well because if he doesn't who will, right? In my humble opinion, this is usually the stance of the unrecovering Alanon. I know first hand, because I use to be one. I accepted that our mother made him executor and I surrendered it all to my hp when my mother died. I knew I had been taken care of my higher power and would continue to be. My serenity depended on how wisely I made choices concerning participation and detachment. I prayed to be guided concerning both. My brother has never expressed any sorrow concerning our mother since her death. He fulfilled the task assigned to him and I believe he did it fairly. I may be wrong but if he didn't that's on him not me. I continue to have a relationship with him on terms that are acceptable for him. Basically, I meet him where he's at. My life is good with or without him in it. But I will tell you, despite his disease, his flaws, innuendos, actions that were hurtful he is my brother and I love him. Since losing our mother, I am even more grateful to have him in my life even a little. One of my greatest prayers that's unanswered so far is that he would get sober. You are so lucky your sister has found recovery. I wish you both the best on your recovery journeys and that it only brings you closer as sisters.
Only you can decide whether your motive is clean concerning the decisions you're making about what is in your mom's home. You've mentioned a lot of things in your post about your sister's actions from the past. Alanon at least to my estimation of recovery is about keeping my side of the street clean. I guess what I would ask myself if it were me is would my mother want me paid back for what my sister owes to me by selling her things to get that money? Your mom had a voice. Are your actions honoring it today? Your sister has a voice too. I wish you the best in working through this with your family. Your grandmother sound very loving. I wish her healing concerning the loss of her child. (((hugs))) TT
As mentioned above, we do not give advice - only share our own ESH. I really have no experience in dealing with this type of situation but can say that when I am faced with any challenge, I do lean into my Al-Anon recovery program for the answers. We work a spiritual program that allows us to make decisions based on our own needs and the best choice based on our own circumstances.
My best suggestion is to seek some recovery for yourself - it's there where I found my best voice and my best version of me to deal with this disease in my own family.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!