Oh, I lost it big time today. My serenity went right out the window.....which thank goodness the windows were closed or the neighbors would have heard an earful!
I recently posted that I know that my AH's mood can and usually changes as the day goes on. The kind, thoughtful, listening husband in the morning can be a figment of my imagination by late afternoon. I am usually mentally prepared for that and have been using my tool box to deal with it. OR, he is so close to sleeping by late afternoon, he's too tired to be belligerent. The key is though.....I am prepared for it. Not today!
I went shopping with a friend and was gone for a total of 4 hours. Left at 10:30 and got back home by 2:30. It was a good time with my friend and I came in happy and ready to share a couple of stories. I was totally blindsided for some reason by his behavior. I really had the rug pulled out from me and I shouldn't have been so surprised. However......presto-change had occurred and I was met with:
Me: Showing hubby a birthday present I bought for a big party we are going to. AH: That looks cheap.
Me: Jack hurt his foot very badly and has to stay totally off of it for at least a week. AH: Everyone's got drama. He's a baby.
Me: Karen picked up a couple of really good bargains for her grandkids. AH: She spends $$ like water.
Me: Your daughter texted and wondered about a date for our get-together. AH: You and everyone else just ruin my holidays!
Well.....that is when I blew! I ruin HIS holidays?!? We ruin HIS?!? Ohhhh, I went nuts. All serenity was nowhere to be found for me in the next 20 minutes that I blasted his ass. Sorry.
Afterwards, I prayed to keep my cool and as soon as another stupid thing came out of his mouth, I was all over it. I couldn't make myself leave the room or the house, or the country! He was going to hear (and deny and forget most likely) every single thing I had to say. Good thing tomorrow is a new day.......because this one was not to be saved. I said it. I yelled it. I looked like a lunatic. It actually felt good....but I know it is not helpful....detrimental, actually.
So, I can't let my guard down.....very sad. This evening since he is not speaking to me (smart man) I am keeping busy with other things and will chalk it up to a blip, a slip, a temporary step back, a lesson, a need to ramp up my program even more.
Meanwhile, the gift I bought was not or does not look cheap, Jack is not a baby, my friend is careful about her money and we know who can ruin the holidays.
Thanks so much for reading and I hope you all had a much more serene day, than I.
serenity47 said
Nov 13, 2016
I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. I know how my AD daughter who is in recovery can still have some pretty dramatic mood shifts throughout the course of the day. I however am much better at not taking it so personally and not allowing it to ruin my moment. It is not easy that is for sure, as some days I would really like to just let her have it so to speak but then I remind myself that is not good for my peace of mind. I end up feeling guilty and upset. I walk away a lot more now and don't attend every fight I am invited to. As she recovers and I recover it does improve but I have lowered my expectations and I have a lot more peace. It sounds like you are dong very well in your own recovery and just had a temporary blip. It happens.....So glad you had a nice time with your friend.
hotrod said
Nov 13, 2016
((EL))) We are all too human, so that you "reacted" to the insanity without picking up your program tools and discovered, what you already knew, that without program we react in a negative destructive manner that often hurts ourselves .
You have performed a 10th Step on the situation, now look for the lesson that the situation has to teach, forgive yourself and remember that it is progress not perfection that we seek.
Keep coming back, we all have slips and since we live ODAT tomorrow has the promise to be a better day.
Iamhere said
Nov 13, 2016
(((El))) - it does happen.....and I believe it happens in my life to remind me what matters most - my serenity....which is what you wrote about losing! I love your awareness and agree with what Betty suggests - ODAT we are promised a better day when we work our program/use our tools!
I love that our program is about progress and not perfection! (((hugs)))
el-cee said
Nov 14, 2016
I totally understand, its a full moon here just now and Im blaming that!!! Im trying to remember we are in recovery, not recovered. We are affected by alcoholism and we're working hard to get better and better but we're only human and its going to surface from time to time. I like what Hotrod suggested, accept it forgive ourselves and look for the lesson.
Fooled said
Nov 14, 2016
If I had a $1 for every time I slipped...LOL It happens. Sometimes a person can only take so much. In the past two weeks I have gone from working the program and seeing the serenity to full blown lunatic. I recently complained to someone how long to I have to keep doing this crap of praying for them, leaving the room, etc? She responded it all depends who you are doing it for you or them? If you are doing it for you, someday you wont be doing it, it will become natural. Be good to yourself. Hugs.
El said
Nov 14, 2016
Thank you all so much! Yes, it happens but I need to take that breath and do what is best for ME admist the insanity.
QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally
ODAT
Progress, not Perfection
Bless Them, Change Me
(((Hugs))) to all!
Calm Lady said
Nov 14, 2016
Warmth hugs to you, El.
KT2015 said
Nov 14, 2016
Hi there El,
I really appreciate your honest post and can so relate. There is something about being intoxicated that makes my AH say the same types of things. Things that I don't think he even believes himself when he's sober. It sounds like you were caught off guard and that happens to all of us. It's hard to know what kind of mood you are going to encounter when you come home. As soon as my AH starts to talk like that I tell myself "that's just the disease talking". And I do my best to detach and let it go. I was watching a movie last week and this family had a dad who was an A and the son asked his mom "why does he hate us so much mom?" and the mom says "oh honey he doesn't hate us.....he hates himself". You know when you hear or see something that comes at just the right time for you. The movie went on to portray the father as someone who wasn't all good or all bad. And somehow that helped me.
I really like how you listed what you know to be true despite the things he said. To me that is real growth to be able to trust your own judgements and not take his grumbly comments to heart. What came to mind for me too was progress not perfection and I really love that about this program. It means that when I slip up or act in a way that doesn't align with who I want to be I can keep working at it. I don't have to throw away my whole program because I made a mistake or didn't practice it. I'm allowed to be human and I love the program for the constant reminder of that. HUGS back to you!
El said
Nov 14, 2016
Yes, KT....that is what I love about the program also; you don't have to throw it all away or feel like a failure. Slips are to be expected and then we just move forward again.
Maybe that Super Moon we are experiencing does have something to do with it! LOL
Oh well, it is a new day......hubby and I are OK.....and I have lots to do today. Yesterday was just a tug on my shirt tail to remind me that I need to always focus on what I know or believe to be my truth. AH has his truth....both sober and intoxicated versions and I am powerless over them. QTIP!
Oh, I lost it big time today. My serenity went right out the window.....which thank goodness the windows were closed or the neighbors would have heard an earful!
I recently posted that I know that my AH's mood can and usually changes as the day goes on. The kind, thoughtful, listening husband in the morning can be a figment of my imagination by late afternoon. I am usually mentally prepared for that and have been using my tool box to deal with it. OR, he is so close to sleeping by late afternoon, he's too tired to be belligerent. The key is though.....I am prepared for it. Not today!
I went shopping with a friend and was gone for a total of 4 hours. Left at 10:30 and got back home by 2:30. It was a good time with my friend and I came in happy and ready to share a couple of stories. I was totally blindsided for some reason by his behavior. I really had the rug pulled out from me and I shouldn't have been so surprised. However......presto-change had occurred and I was met with:
Me: Showing hubby a birthday present I bought for a big party we are going to. AH: That looks cheap.
Me: Jack hurt his foot very badly and has to stay totally off of it for at least a week. AH: Everyone's got drama. He's a baby.
Me: Karen picked up a couple of really good bargains for her grandkids. AH: She spends $$ like water.
Me: Your daughter texted and wondered about a date for our get-together. AH: You and everyone else just ruin my holidays!
Well.....that is when I blew! I ruin HIS holidays?!? We ruin HIS?!? Ohhhh, I went nuts. All serenity was nowhere to be found for me in the next 20 minutes that I blasted his ass. Sorry.
Afterwards, I prayed to keep my cool and as soon as another stupid thing came out of his mouth, I was all over it. I couldn't make myself leave the room or the house, or the country! He was going to hear (and deny and forget most likely) every single thing I had to say. Good thing tomorrow is a new day.......because this one was not to be saved. I said it. I yelled it. I looked like a lunatic. It actually felt good....but I know it is not helpful....detrimental, actually.
So, I can't let my guard down.....very sad. This evening since he is not speaking to me (smart man) I am keeping busy with other things and will chalk it up to a blip, a slip, a temporary step back, a lesson, a need to ramp up my program even more.
Meanwhile, the gift I bought was not or does not look cheap, Jack is not a baby, my friend is careful about her money and we know who can ruin the holidays.
Thanks so much for reading and I hope you all had a much more serene day, than I.
You have performed a 10th Step on the situation, now look for the lesson that the situation has to teach, forgive yourself and remember that it is progress not perfection that we seek.
Keep coming back, we all have slips and since we live ODAT tomorrow has the promise to be a better day.
I love that our program is about progress and not perfection! (((hugs)))
I totally understand, its a full moon here just now and Im blaming that!!! Im trying to remember we are in recovery, not recovered. We are affected by alcoholism and we're working hard to get better and better but we're only human and its going to surface from time to time. I like what Hotrod suggested, accept it forgive ourselves and look for the lesson.
Thank you all so much! Yes, it happens but I need to take that breath and do what is best for ME admist the insanity.
QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally
ODAT
Progress, not Perfection
Bless Them, Change Me
(((Hugs))) to all!
I really appreciate your honest post and can so relate. There is something about being intoxicated that makes my AH say the same types of things. Things that I don't think he even believes himself when he's sober. It sounds like you were caught off guard and that happens to all of us. It's hard to know what kind of mood you are going to encounter when you come home. As soon as my AH starts to talk like that I tell myself "that's just the disease talking". And I do my best to detach and let it go. I was watching a movie last week and this family had a dad who was an A and the son asked his mom "why does he hate us so much mom?" and the mom says "oh honey he doesn't hate us.....he hates himself". You know when you hear or see something that comes at just the right time for you. The movie went on to portray the father as someone who wasn't all good or all bad. And somehow that helped me.
I really like how you listed what you know to be true despite the things he said. To me that is real growth to be able to trust your own judgements and not take his grumbly comments to heart. What came to mind for me too was progress not perfection and I really love that about this program. It means that when I slip up or act in a way that doesn't align with who I want to be I can keep working at it. I don't have to throw away my whole program because I made a mistake or didn't practice it. I'm allowed to be human and I love the program for the constant reminder of that. HUGS back to you!
Yes, KT....that is what I love about the program also; you don't have to throw it all away or feel like a failure. Slips are to be expected and then we just move forward again.
Maybe that Super Moon we are experiencing does have something to do with it! LOL
Oh well, it is a new day......hubby and I are OK.....and I have lots to do today. Yesterday was just a tug on my shirt tail to remind me that I need to always focus on what I know or believe to be my truth. AH has his truth....both sober and intoxicated versions and I am powerless over them. QTIP!
Thanks again to all!