I was just curious as to how you handle when the alcoholic in your life is drunk and says awful crazy things? Obviously I feel like what I have done in the past doesn't work or at least feel like the right thing. I usually just ignore it unless it really upsets me, then I'll bring it up the next day. Is this behavior excusable because they are intoxicated? It doesn't seem as though it should be. He feels awful the next day, but doesn't really do anything to "fix" it. Just curious as to any insight as how you all have dealt with this situation and what seems to have an impact and also help you cope with it. Thanks!
pinkchip said
Nov 13, 2016
"That's not true. Leave me alone. We will interact when you are sober." Repeat...and if it continues...leave the house. Not worth fighting with a drunk person but their drunkeness is no free pass to lie about and abuse me. I HAVE to stick by those boundaries for me.
vvv said
Nov 13, 2016
That's exactly what I've done and still do. what about the next day? I Usually remind him and tell him it's not ok, but them I just go back to everyday life and Basically "let it go"
pinkchip said
Nov 13, 2016
That may be the best you can do for now...go to alanon, get your self as grounded as you can, build outside supports, and if leaving for good is what you need to do for you...do it if, and when, ready.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 13th of November 2016 05:59:49 PM
Iamhere said
Nov 13, 2016
I don't JADE at all - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I usually just walk away, leave the room or ignore the crazy-making. More often than not, no response from me tends to make the insanity stop faster. In my home, any reaction/response from me when they are under the influence seems to light the pilot and it goes longer than if I say nothing.
I have actually paused the TV, allowed a rant for a while, said nothing and when they paused just calmly asked if they were finished. I then turn the TV back up and carry-on. I clearly can tell when it's the disease talking and I just fair better when I don't react or respond to it.
My sponsor did suggest one time saying something like, "You must really be hurting to lash out at me like that. I'll prayer for you tonight when I go to bed." I did do this and it also worked.
a4l said
Nov 14, 2016
Say what you mean, mean what you say ablnd don't say it mean is my goal in this scenario once they're sober. When drunk its just ignore, walk away, feed it food or whatever it takes to keep safe in that moment.
-- Edited by a4l on Monday 14th of November 2016 12:36:56 AM
Calm Lady said
Nov 14, 2016
With my AH I have found what is best is for me to gently leave the room. If I say anything, it escalates.
Mattie said
Nov 14, 2016
In the long run, you can express that you don't like it, and a reasonable person would take your words seriously. But what an alcoholic or abuser is listening to is your actions: "Will she stick around if I keep doing it? If she will, then I can keep doing it. And I will." Your actions speak louder than your words, and what your actions say is "I would rather stick around and deal with this than leave." And that's true, isn't it? Not trying to be harsh here, just saying that you do have choices. Maybe leaving isn't feasible in the short term, but you could make a plan as to how to leave in the longterm, and you are always free to make that choice. (I know it's often a scary and emotional choice.) Not that you should necessarily tell him that that's a choice in your mind. Some men become more abusive and even violent when they think they're losing control of the other person. But just to remind you that you are not stuck in an impossible situation forever, if you should make that choice.
Bethany66 said
Nov 14, 2016
I speak only because I have hit my head repeatedly against that same wall, still do on occasion. I know for myself, I always think it should/could/would help the situation if I respond in my own defense or even try to reason things out when he is sober. What I have found is that is not the road to serenity for me. The only way I have found to get peace when my AH is crazy talking me, is to shut up, leave the area, or say, I am sorry you feel that way and leave the area. There is no reasoning with him when he is drunk, and if I broach the subject when he is sober later I am not sure he believes that he said the things he said. IF he does believe me, he apologizes, but it doesn't mean he won't do it again. When he is drunk he is not in control of his mind or mouth. I know that to be true.
Jerry F said
Nov 14, 2016
If I am wide awake and aware of what and how I felt when I did the same thing I take my time and in that time ask and consider for myself how I want to handle the situation. "How do I want this to turn out for me". I don't like leaving consequences up to accident and so I think it out leaving the emotions out of the formula and when I am done I do it one more time so that I act responsibly to myself and my wife. When I am done I act it out in respect and humility (not weakness) as I would want it to be done with me and when I am done I am done while still being open to sane discussion. I have no control over her responses and reactions so acceptance is always a tool to carry...acceptance that I am powerless and borderline manageable at times. When it is done I am at a boundary for me with the exception of asking myself what have I learned and how have I responded in the lesson. My spouse must have grace and room to move in our process. We don't ever reach perfection. ((((hugs))))
That's exactly what I've done and still do. what about the next day? I Usually remind him and tell him it's not ok, but them I just go back to everyday life and Basically "let it go"
That may be the best you can do for now...go to alanon, get your self as grounded as you can, build outside supports, and if leaving for good is what you need to do for you...do it if, and when, ready.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 13th of November 2016 05:59:49 PM
I have actually paused the TV, allowed a rant for a while, said nothing and when they paused just calmly asked if they were finished. I then turn the TV back up and carry-on. I clearly can tell when it's the disease talking and I just fair better when I don't react or respond to it.
My sponsor did suggest one time saying something like, "You must really be hurting to lash out at me like that. I'll prayer for you tonight when I go to bed." I did do this and it also worked.
Say what you mean, mean what you say ablnd don't say it mean is my goal in this scenario once they're sober. When drunk its just ignore, walk away, feed it food or whatever it takes to keep safe in that moment.
-- Edited by a4l on Monday 14th of November 2016 12:36:56 AM
In the long run, you can express that you don't like it, and a reasonable person would take your words seriously. But what an alcoholic or abuser is listening to is your actions: "Will she stick around if I keep doing it? If she will, then I can keep doing it. And I will." Your actions speak louder than your words, and what your actions say is "I would rather stick around and deal with this than leave." And that's true, isn't it? Not trying to be harsh here, just saying that you do have choices. Maybe leaving isn't feasible in the short term, but you could make a plan as to how to leave in the longterm, and you are always free to make that choice. (I know it's often a scary and emotional choice.) Not that you should necessarily tell him that that's a choice in your mind. Some men become more abusive and even violent when they think they're losing control of the other person. But just to remind you that you are not stuck in an impossible situation forever, if you should make that choice.
If I am wide awake and aware of what and how I felt when I did the same thing I take my time and in that time ask and consider for myself how I want to handle the situation. "How do I want this to turn out for me". I don't like leaving consequences up to accident and so I think it out leaving the emotions out of the formula and when I am done I do it one more time so that I act responsibly to myself and my wife. When I am done I act it out in respect and humility (not weakness) as I would want it to be done with me and when I am done I am done while still being open to sane discussion. I have no control over her responses and reactions so acceptance is always a tool to carry...acceptance that I am powerless and borderline manageable at times. When it is done I am at a boundary for me with the exception of asking myself what have I learned and how have I responded in the lesson. My spouse must have grace and room to move in our process. We don't ever reach perfection. ((((hugs))))