Today my RAH achieved 45 days of sobriety. Its a big deal because he has never made it past this point ever. (Except for the 90 days straight he was at sea when in the Navy 20 years ago) I have seen a sort of shift in him lately that he is serious and wants this. He has returned to AA and still goes to IOP 3 nights per week. I congratulated him on his achievement and it was me that brought it up. Kinda like I notice and way to go! He seemed to be appreciative and sincere unlike any other time we faked this achievement. This is the most I am involved in his recovery though.
So what is my issue? My issue is I am a little butt hurt here. He is celebrating a great achievement and I am still trying to hold things together. My 17 year old daughter is a big thorn in my side right now and I constantly find myself in a position where I have to JADE. It doesn't work to walk away because then she texts me. LOL She pulls in the 24 year old Addict son. Then its two on one. The gist of it is its unfair. Its unfair that RAH has been out of work for 3 months and I have had to take all the weight of the household and therefore there is no extra. No new Nike's, gas money and trips to Victoria's Secret on my credit card. It is unfair that my daughter has to share her car I bought her as RAH doesn't have a vehicle and has just returned to work. He took over the Jeep which is technically his but I drove. It is unfair that I cannot lend money to my addict son, which I wont do anyway but that's the only thing he has to attack with. Life is not fair.
RAH is celebrating a great achievement and I am still borrowing forgiveness from my HP. I remain hypervigilant because again we never made it past this point. I still have trust issues because of this and cant even make myself vulnerable enough to want to be intimate with him. I am frustrated with the finances and trying to hold things together. At times I actually feel worse about myself then I did when I found out that he wrecked the bike in the parking lot of the strip club. Absolutely its not fair that I have to suffer his consequences of this last relapse right along with him. Its not fair that I get backed into a corner of guilt by my children. Its not fair that he celebrates a great achievement and Im still stuck in the mud. Life is not fair.
So...he's sober 45 days! Life is not fair....it is what it is.....and I still feel like Im just treading water. Here he just won the 100 yard freestyle and Im still on the diving board. I know I have no right to feel this way but I just wish someone would say, hey I noticed and way to go! But life is not fair and to be honest I cant say I am 45 days anything. I cant even stick to a diet. LOL But yet Im so over feeling this way but cant seem to switch to 4 wheel drive.
So that's my truth
Iamhere said
Nov 12, 2016
Suzann - I am sending you positive thoughts and tons of prayers. My best suggestions are all from our program - first, just breathe.....breathe and know that others understand. The disease reaches far and wide and everyone is affected. I have 2 kids and do recall many times where it was 2 against 1 and even at times all 3 against one. I went and picked out a female dog so I would not be outnumbered by the males in our home!!
I'll suggest you try and do things just for you - don't have to cost $$ - take a walk, listen to some music, read some literature. When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.
Recovery is a spiritual journey; for me, it did start with conscious efforts to change my own attitude. I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat and that was just not a good place to be for trying to be more spiritual. Tons of meetings and heartfelt discussions with program friends carried me further than I even knew then.
Know that this too shall pass, and there is hope and help in keeping your efforts forward facing in recovery. One Day at a Time, it will get better!
You are not alone!
Calm Lady said
Nov 12, 2016
Hello Fooled
I hear your truth. Hugs and support to you.
milkwood said
Nov 12, 2016
Hi Fooled,
I completely understand those feelings, they consumed me for some time as well. I used to mutter 'nobody says well done to the spouse of an alcoholic...' Pout!! Did it help? Not really, apart from providing enough fuel for me to get on with things that I wanted to do, that made me feel good about myself regardless of what my husband was doing. That frustration/anger that I felt allowed me to do nice things without feeling guilty. I needed to 'get better' and that was where I put my focus as much as I could.
I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.
So sending ((((hugs))))). It is natural to have the feelings that you describe here I think - after all, we don't change overnight!
hotrod said
Nov 12, 2016
I agree Fooled and have said and felt much of what you are sharing. The huge light that was in that dark tunnel was the simple fact that since I did not have the funds to give to my son, he had to find a job and supply his own money That was a great contribution to his growing up.
FooledMeTwice said
Nov 12, 2016
((((FOOLED)))) - Congratulations on holding EVERYTHING together by yourself for so long!!! I am VERY PROUD of you and ADMIRE your strength!!!!! You are a beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who doesn't deserve any of this. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope and pray that your AH continues on the path of sobriety. YOU deserve a sober spouse that is pulling his weight with the household income and responsibilities!!! Love ya!
Lucy125 said
Nov 12, 2016
You know how the program says One Day at a Time? Well I think one day is too long. Sometimes, I do one minute at a time. A person can take almost anything for one minute. When I had no money, I would buy little inexpensive bottles of perfume from a well known company that sells door to door. I would just smell the perfume. Sometimes, I would go to local park with rose garden and just focus on the color of one rose. That was my big dream when I was a kid, that I would become famous and someone would name a rose after me.
Fooled said
Nov 12, 2016
Thank you all for your wisdom and compassion Taking what I like out of all :
When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.
I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat
I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.
That was a great contribution to his growing up.
Congratulations on holding EVERYTHING together by yourself for so long!!! I am VERY PROUD of you and ADMIRE your strength!!!!! You are a beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who doesn't deserve any of this. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope and pray that your AH continues on the path of sobriety. YOU deserve a sober spouse that is pulling his weight with the household income and responsibilities!!
I do one minute at a time. A person can take almost anything for one minute.
Gratitude List assets lists and what is working wonderful idea. I have started a Scripture Armor Journal and write a scripture in response to what I am feeling that day and write a letter to my HP regarding what I am thankful for or what I need his assistance with. I had hoped I wasn't being negative or full of self pity but I guess I was/am at times. Since complaining is a sin I guess I should focus on what is good and trust my HP that he is bringing me to something good: Which is what FooledMeTwice wrote a functioning spouse who pulls his own weight. That is what my I need and expect. A partnership. At almost 50 there should not be a financial disaster like this. I want to be secure physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. That is my need. Growing up in an alcoholic home there was never any security in any shape or form. Betty, that is so true. My son at 24 needs to grow up. He has made some good moves the last month. He budgeted wrong last week and its not my business to know how but he couldn't pay his cell phone bill and asked me to pay it and he will pay me back with his next check. When I said I didn't know that I could do that as I had my own bills to pay I got the "Why cant you trust and believe that I am not using and have been clean. I am not asking for drug money" That's not it, well maybe a little. That's where the guilt comes in. I can no longer be the bank of Suzann. I am very disappointed that my daughter has become so narcissistic. I don't like having to use her car, I would much rather drive my jeep. I have to work and continue to put a roof over everyones head. Food in their stomach. I cant do that on foot. I shouldn't have to JADE. Her feelings are its not her fault he has nothing to drive, I/she deserves better, I should just leave him. Well, I love him, I'd still be using her car because technically it's still his jeep. I do deserve better not just from him though. I am trying, I am working hard and have made progress, I would like it acknowledged. I have stayed out of my A's recovery this time. I would like him to take notice. My daughter wants to be treated like an adult, she has a job, she gets good grades, I bought her a car but I need to borrow it for a while...I shouldn't have to argue about it.
I live in a house of addiction. I have chosen to stay. Somehow I have put myself in a state of mind where I am the female of the Xmen and I have my shield up deflecting all the power balls of addiction off of me. When I miss one and it hits me it stings and throws me off track. Maybe I need to lower the being able to stand it for a minute to a second. The sting will only last a second, and Ill be ok. Maybe then I can let the shield down a little if its only going to last a second.
geems said
Nov 12, 2016
I'm here to tell you that you're awesome kiddo. Whether you live in a house of addiction or not. Clearly you have a sane person living in your head given what you've written. Sounds like she can and does know how to navigate the waters of addiction. We all have had the experience. Some waters are deeper than others I guess. You could probably use a sponser for times when you get too overwhelmed but that's just my opinion and what I made work when I decided to stay. Love ya kiddo. You made of some strong stuff!!
Iamhere said
Nov 12, 2016
I am with geems - you're awesome and you're working it......I did get a chuckle out of 'Bank of ...' - I vividly remember having that discussion with my children. In spite of being taught differently, they both had expectations that they could blow off high school, get hand outs for gas, social, etc. and that we would also just write checks for college. Needless to say, when I closed the Bank of ... around here, it was an adjustment for us all.
However, they learned how to survive financially. They learned that shopping sales is not a bad thing. They learned that cell phones do get shut off if the bill is not paid. They learned about what a credit score is and how collector's act when you commit to a payment schedule and default. They are 24 and 22, and I no longer have to remind them that we are on a fixed income. They've made it and are actually doing well with that aspect of their life.
I never wanted them to want for things and that was 'my bad'. I didn't want them to miss out of events, etc. and that too was 'my bad'. When they rebelled, and I imposed rules, they learned to manipulate as my rules were not proper boundaries. A good old fashion family meeting in the form of a "Come to Jesus" session helped me be truthful about finances, independence and the realities of life being difficult at times was one of the best things I ever did.
In a family, one should never have to bear the burden of troubled times - no matter what the trouble is. My parents had sheltered us big time growing up, so I thought that's what good parents did. I was shell-shocked into reality when I left home. It was a major hurdle that I was not expecting. It was life-changing. I tried to do it a bit different, but did ... one day just call a meeting and close the family bank, the family taxi service, the family laundry service, and the family cleaning service, etc.
You deserve a break and you deserve support. I had done for everyone for so, so, so long that when I had to change that up, it was hard but the best thing I ever did! Keep working on you and you'll 'see' that you matter - they will too!
el-cee said
Nov 13, 2016
Maybe your nearing your bottom, your point of surrender. i got to the point where i had enough too and then i got to give up so much of my old thinking and truly embraced this new philosophy that gave me freedom from playing the roles that chained me. could be a good time to up your meetings, readings, contact with sponsor. best of luck.
Fooled said
Nov 13, 2016
I reached my bottom about two weeks ago. I completely surrendered. The problem is there a person in my household that is not of age for me to let go of. I tried to have a conversation with that person last night. I approached in an adult manner about their behavior, their suspected drug use, their narcissistic attitude and the response I got was they DO NOT CARE. I accept full responsibility. For so long after I divorced their Drug using Alcoholic father, I gave them everything they ever wanted, because I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to like me and love me more than their father. That's my truth. This is what I am stuck with. Ungrateful, narcissistic, unremorseful brats. It is time for me to detach.
FooledMeTwice said
Nov 13, 2016
(((Fooled)))) - I'm proud of you for attempting to talk to the person that is stressing you out in an adult, mature and calm matter. Sorry they weren't receptive and appreciative of the approach you were taking. You definitely took the high road and deserved some positive interaction from them. I think a lot of parents do what you did in the past when divorcing the parent of the children they have together. Don't be ashamed of how you handled things then. At that time you did the best you knew how. At least you have the courage to admit it and know you would do it different if there were "do-overs". Hang in there....tomorrow is a new day.
el-cee said
Nov 13, 2016
I also made the mistake of over indulging my kids and getting exactly what I should have, brats. I totally understand. For me it was driven by guilt, guilt that I never gave them the life I wanted to give them and instead they got a sick dysfunctional family that has damaged everyone. I have to remember I did the best with what I knew at that time. I know better so Im doing better. I began putting healthy boundaries in place with my kids with fair consequences to back up my boundaries. I had to let go, even with my children, I let go of the idea that I owed them and that It was my job to make them happy. I dont believe it is, even with young children. I had to get clear my actual job as their parent and remove the sick thinking I had confused with my role as a Mother. It became pretty clear and simple to be honest and my kids have responded well to the changed Mother they have. They are older now and I have let go of much more of my mother role. So with everything, this too shall pass.
Jerry F said
Nov 13, 2016
"Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" I learned this in early meetings when we use to read the definition of alcoholism and then when I stood silently and look around me I found out it was absolutely true. You are hurting sister and so are the kids and your husband still because they cannot not be hurting. You all are wanting better and at times are not getting it. You are not at fault for it all...it is impossible for you to be totally responsible for the crises that the disease has caused in your lives. I learned in early recovery to say "Not"!! each time those thoughts of over responsibility came to mind because it was true and I needed to acknowledge the truth. No Life isn't fair....at times....and at other times it gives me more than I thought I was worthy of. I have to prepare myself into acknowledge those blessed times by keeping a positive mental attitude and that works. ((((Fooled)))) standing with you in support.
Fooled said
Nov 13, 2016
Thank you all for understanding how I feel. Fooledmetwice I so appreciate your support. It seems like its still all jumbled up in my head. I for some reason want to categorize in my head, into black and white files, RAH, daughter, son #1, son #2....etc. I am so guilty of all of that el-cee and I did what you did Iamhere. After growing up in an alcoholic home I wanted to give my children what I didn't get. Security and Happiness. Somehow I took that responsibility and put it on myself. I vividly recall the blow up between by ExAH when I kicked him out after discussing a two year affair in which he blamed me for making him unhappy because I "wouldn't let him do what he wanted" saying I am not responsible for world peace, the war in Iraq and your personal happiness. But then turned around and made it my job to make my kids happy. Obviously, at the time I was so broken that I thought that I had to provide for people to love me. In my head I became a joke to my children and my RAH as the puppet on the string. I don't think I am far off with that illustration but no one has come out and directly said it. Jerry F you are so right it effects everyone! Despite my warnings to my children that alcoholism and addiction runs in both sides of their family, they hurt too, and look to stuff to numb the pain. So did I. Thanks for the enlightenment.
Reading this thread I have come to realize, it's all jumbled in my head because its all jumbled together in a chaos called living in a home with addiction. It is not fair, but it is what it is. I am still discontent and jealous of my RAH progress and not able to acknowledge my own because Im still trying to put things in black and white. I feel responsible for where things are now. I have the expectation that everything is going to be peaches and cream as long as my RAH stays sober. That's not fair. The truth is my children and myself have been effected by the disease of alcoholism long before my RAH came in to the picture. I made mistakes in my parenting and as a wife of both A's because the way the disease effected me.
Now comes Iamhere's favorite go to little ditty: Bless them; change me.
Iamhere said
Nov 13, 2016
Suzann - I can so relate....it's a challenge to live with the disease and it does get even more jumbled when there is more than one qualifier. I remember trying to compartmentalize too....I remember feeling as if nothing I did mattered or was enough.
What I did at that point was kind of just surrendered, as you have and truly worked on my program. I worked hard to not react and to give God as much as I could. I had 2 under 18 when it was the most chaos and I will tell you it felt 'better' when 18 rolled around. I am blessed that my sponsor is a licensed therapist and she would often/always remind me to use I statements.....and speak my truth as kindly as possible.
You are right - it's jumbled at times. And - Bless Them, Change Me was repeated so many times in my mind some days. It will pass, but I did want you to know I get it. It took me a long while to realize that even if I was out-numbered, the disease and the diseased were not a match for my HP when I aligned as best I knew how to.
Hang in there! (((Hugs)))
Fooled said
Nov 14, 2016
Thank you so much for giving me hope. Today is a new day and although its early morning and I already feel like I have served the chow line with one direct hit from each of them ...NEXT! I am ok. Each one was a nano second of sting, which is an improvement. Yesterday, RAH called an audible and insisted everyone let me sleep. Not to wake me up for church, I needed to sleep and heal my mind. I woke up at almost noon. LOL I was disappointed in missing church, but I thought it was a loving tender gesture of all of them. A glimmer of I matter. Finding the good in everything
Iamhere said
Nov 14, 2016
Suzann - it sounds like a lovely, lovely gesture and well-deserved rest!!! Love that you are finding the good in everything - it just makes life so much more enjoyable!
Today my RAH achieved 45 days of sobriety. Its a big deal because he has never made it past this point ever. (Except for the 90 days straight he was at sea when in the Navy 20 years ago) I have seen a sort of shift in him lately that he is serious and wants this. He has returned to AA and still goes to IOP 3 nights per week. I congratulated him on his achievement and it was me that brought it up. Kinda like I notice and way to go! He seemed to be appreciative and sincere unlike any other time we faked this achievement. This is the most I am involved in his recovery though.
So what is my issue? My issue is I am a little butt hurt here. He is celebrating a great achievement and I am still trying to hold things together. My 17 year old daughter is a big thorn in my side right now and I constantly find myself in a position where I have to JADE. It doesn't work to walk away because then she texts me. LOL She pulls in the 24 year old Addict son. Then its two on one. The gist of it is its unfair. Its unfair that RAH has been out of work for 3 months and I have had to take all the weight of the household and therefore there is no extra. No new Nike's, gas money and trips to Victoria's Secret on my credit card. It is unfair that my daughter has to share her car I bought her as RAH doesn't have a vehicle and has just returned to work. He took over the Jeep which is technically his but I drove. It is unfair that I cannot lend money to my addict son, which I wont do anyway but that's the only thing he has to attack with. Life is not fair.
RAH is celebrating a great achievement and I am still borrowing forgiveness from my HP. I remain hypervigilant because again we never made it past this point. I still have trust issues because of this and cant even make myself vulnerable enough to want to be intimate with him. I am frustrated with the finances and trying to hold things together. At times I actually feel worse about myself then I did when I found out that he wrecked the bike in the parking lot of the strip club. Absolutely its not fair that I have to suffer his consequences of this last relapse right along with him. Its not fair that I get backed into a corner of guilt by my children. Its not fair that he celebrates a great achievement and Im still stuck in the mud. Life is not fair.
So...he's sober 45 days! Life is not fair....it is what it is.....and I still feel like Im just treading water. Here he just won the 100 yard freestyle and Im still on the diving board. I know I have no right to feel this way but I just wish someone would say, hey I noticed and way to go! But life is not fair and to be honest I cant say I am 45 days anything. I cant even stick to a diet. LOL But yet Im so over feeling this way but cant seem to switch to 4 wheel drive.
So that's my truth
I'll suggest you try and do things just for you - don't have to cost $$ - take a walk, listen to some music, read some literature. When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.
Recovery is a spiritual journey; for me, it did start with conscious efforts to change my own attitude. I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat and that was just not a good place to be for trying to be more spiritual. Tons of meetings and heartfelt discussions with program friends carried me further than I even knew then.
Know that this too shall pass, and there is hope and help in keeping your efforts forward facing in recovery. One Day at a Time, it will get better!
You are not alone!
I hear your truth. Hugs and support to you.
I completely understand those feelings, they consumed me for some time as well. I used to mutter 'nobody says well done to the spouse of an alcoholic...' Pout!! Did it help? Not really, apart from providing enough fuel for me to get on with things that I wanted to do, that made me feel good about myself regardless of what my husband was doing. That frustration/anger that I felt allowed me to do nice things without feeling guilty. I needed to 'get better' and that was where I put my focus as much as I could.
I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.
So sending ((((hugs))))). It is natural to have the feelings that you describe here I think - after all, we don't change overnight!
I agree Fooled and have said and felt much of what you are sharing. The huge light that was in that dark tunnel was the simple fact that since I did not have the funds to give to my son, he had to find a job and supply his own money That was a great contribution to his growing up.
You know how the program says One Day at a Time? Well I think one day is too long. Sometimes, I do one minute at a time. A person can take almost anything for one minute. When I had no money, I would buy little inexpensive bottles of perfume from a well known company that sells door to door. I would just smell the perfume. Sometimes, I would go to local park with rose garden and just focus on the color of one rose. That was my big dream when I was a kid, that I would become famous and someone would name a rose after me.
When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.
I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat
I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.
That was a great contribution to his growing up.
Congratulations on holding EVERYTHING together by yourself for so long!!! I am VERY PROUD of you and ADMIRE your strength!!!!! You are a beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who doesn't deserve any of this. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope and pray that your AH continues on the path of sobriety. YOU deserve a sober spouse that is pulling his weight with the household income and responsibilities!!
I do one minute at a time. A person can take almost anything for one minute.
Gratitude List assets lists and what is working wonderful idea. I have started a Scripture Armor Journal and write a scripture in response to what I am feeling that day and write a letter to my HP regarding what I am thankful for or what I need his assistance with. I had hoped I wasn't being negative or full of self pity but I guess I was/am at times. Since complaining is a sin I guess I should focus on what is good and trust my HP that he is bringing me to something good: Which is what FooledMeTwice wrote a functioning spouse who pulls his own weight. That is what my I need and expect. A partnership. At almost 50 there should not be a financial disaster like this. I want to be secure physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. That is my need. Growing up in an alcoholic home there was never any security in any shape or form. Betty, that is so true. My son at 24 needs to grow up. He has made some good moves the last month. He budgeted wrong last week and its not my business to know how but he couldn't pay his cell phone bill and asked me to pay it and he will pay me back with his next check. When I said I didn't know that I could do that as I had my own bills to pay I got the "Why cant you trust and believe that I am not using and have been clean. I am not asking for drug money" That's not it, well maybe a little. That's where the guilt comes in. I can no longer be the bank of Suzann. I am very disappointed that my daughter has become so narcissistic. I don't like having to use her car, I would much rather drive my jeep. I have to work and continue to put a roof over everyones head. Food in their stomach. I cant do that on foot. I shouldn't have to JADE. Her feelings are its not her fault he has nothing to drive, I/she deserves better, I should just leave him. Well, I love him, I'd still be using her car because technically it's still his jeep. I do deserve better not just from him though. I am trying, I am working hard and have made progress, I would like it acknowledged. I have stayed out of my A's recovery this time. I would like him to take notice. My daughter wants to be treated like an adult, she has a job, she gets good grades, I bought her a car but I need to borrow it for a while...I shouldn't have to argue about it.
I live in a house of addiction. I have chosen to stay. Somehow I have put myself in a state of mind where I am the female of the Xmen and I have my shield up deflecting all the power balls of addiction off of me. When I miss one and it hits me it stings and throws me off track. Maybe I need to lower the being able to stand it for a minute to a second. The sting will only last a second, and Ill be ok. Maybe then I can let the shield down a little if its only going to last a second.
However, they learned how to survive financially. They learned that shopping sales is not a bad thing. They learned that cell phones do get shut off if the bill is not paid. They learned about what a credit score is and how collector's act when you commit to a payment schedule and default. They are 24 and 22, and I no longer have to remind them that we are on a fixed income. They've made it and are actually doing well with that aspect of their life.
I never wanted them to want for things and that was 'my bad'. I didn't want them to miss out of events, etc. and that too was 'my bad'. When they rebelled, and I imposed rules, they learned to manipulate as my rules were not proper boundaries. A good old fashion family meeting in the form of a "Come to Jesus" session helped me be truthful about finances, independence and the realities of life being difficult at times was one of the best things I ever did.
In a family, one should never have to bear the burden of troubled times - no matter what the trouble is. My parents had sheltered us big time growing up, so I thought that's what good parents did. I was shell-shocked into reality when I left home. It was a major hurdle that I was not expecting. It was life-changing. I tried to do it a bit different, but did ... one day just call a meeting and close the family bank, the family taxi service, the family laundry service, and the family cleaning service, etc.
You deserve a break and you deserve support. I had done for everyone for so, so, so long that when I had to change that up, it was hard but the best thing I ever did! Keep working on you and you'll 'see' that you matter - they will too!
Maybe your nearing your bottom, your point of surrender. i got to the point where i had enough too and then i got to give up so much of my old thinking and truly embraced this new philosophy that gave me freedom from playing the roles that chained me. could be a good time to up your meetings, readings, contact with sponsor. best of luck.
"Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" I learned this in early meetings when we use to read the definition of alcoholism and then when I stood silently and look around me I found out it was absolutely true. You are hurting sister and so are the kids and your husband still because they cannot not be hurting. You all are wanting better and at times are not getting it. You are not at fault for it all...it is impossible for you to be totally responsible for the crises that the disease has caused in your lives. I learned in early recovery to say "Not"!! each time those thoughts of over responsibility came to mind because it was true and I needed to acknowledge the truth. No Life isn't fair....at times....and at other times it gives me more than I thought I was worthy of. I have to prepare myself into acknowledge those blessed times by keeping a positive mental attitude and that works. ((((Fooled)))) standing with you in support.
Reading this thread I have come to realize, it's all jumbled in my head because its all jumbled together in a chaos called living in a home with addiction. It is not fair, but it is what it is. I am still discontent and jealous of my RAH progress and not able to acknowledge my own because Im still trying to put things in black and white. I feel responsible for where things are now. I have the expectation that everything is going to be peaches and cream as long as my RAH stays sober. That's not fair. The truth is my children and myself have been effected by the disease of alcoholism long before my RAH came in to the picture. I made mistakes in my parenting and as a wife of both A's because the way the disease effected me.
Now comes Iamhere's favorite go to little ditty: Bless them; change me.
What I did at that point was kind of just surrendered, as you have and truly worked on my program. I worked hard to not react and to give God as much as I could. I had 2 under 18 when it was the most chaos and I will tell you it felt 'better' when 18 rolled around. I am blessed that my sponsor is a licensed therapist and she would often/always remind me to use I statements.....and speak my truth as kindly as possible.
You are right - it's jumbled at times. And - Bless Them, Change Me was repeated so many times in my mind some days. It will pass, but I did want you to know I get it. It took me a long while to realize that even if I was out-numbered, the disease and the diseased were not a match for my HP when I aligned as best I knew how to.
Hang in there! (((Hugs)))
(((Hugs))) - happy Monday!