I am really struggling today. I can't get my ex ABF off my mind and am still in disbelief that after 8 years together he ended everything between us to work on his sobriety - and he ended it in a text message no less. I know we are all in control of our own happiness and I need to focus on me etc. etc. But it's been 2 1/2 months and I just want to get past this and feel alive again. I am grateful that I have had good days - and days where I feel like I'm getting stronger but today is really bringing me down emotionally. It's my own fault for getting involved with a recovering alcoholic (even though he had over 30 years sobriety) I should of realized the risk I was taking. Yes I'm on a pity pot and I know I need to get over it. Any tips in how to do that would be much appreciated.
Mercury said
Nov 10, 2016
If you go to a face to face meeting that may help. Chances are high that there are those there who will understand and you will know that you're not alone. That always help me. I would also suggest (and reinforcing this for myself as well) to allow yourself to feel whatever is you feel and know that it's ok to allow yourself to grieve.
{{{{{{FooledMeTwice}}}}}}
sarahGee said
Nov 10, 2016
oh no!! (((FMT))) You're having a hard day. And that's OK.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your situation is difficult, no one would disagree with that.
What I've learned so far (and believe me I'm still in the thick of it as well!) is that it is best to give myself space to feel my feelings. If I try and bandaid them, or reach out to someone that will feed my ego I never really get the "point" of why I'm going through it all. It's best for me to sit back, feel that punched-in-the-gut feeling, cry and talk to those working the program just like you have done here.
I've been having all kinds of light bulb moments wading through my own brokenness. I'm no where close to having it all figured out, but I've learned that this pain I'm feeling SUCKS.. but it has a much bigger purpose.
Sitting on the 'pity pot' can be really useful. It allows you to ask all of the "why's". Bring your why's to program friends & you will get a good understanding of the how-to's.
I hope that makes sense. I'm a little discombobulated myself today. Going through moments of agony followed by moments of clarity. It's exhausting, but there's a greater purpose here!
Be kind to yourself. You're not alone!
ItsAllAboutMeMC said
Nov 10, 2016
I really feel for you as I am struggling with a break up with an A as well. The only difference is that hes not sober and I broke it off. It was a very unhealthy relationship even from the start. I still however am in love with him so I struggle every day with my choice. But I know it was the right one. Both of us are sick him still being a very active user and me still suffering the effects of growing up with an A mother and an abusive father.
I am only 32 and in the past 16 years I have gone from 1 ABF to a AH to another ABF. All with in months of each other. This one was the hardiest though. We grew up in very similar families and connected on a level I had never experienced before. I'm sure you can understand why I really never had time to work on myself. My latest ex and I just broke up a mouth ago and like I said I struggle from day to day. But you know what I have found being alone? That I'm really and truly getting to know myself and I'm also spending a lot more time with my friends. My relationships that I neglected from being so addicted to my ex are really growing that includes my relationship with myself. The best thing about it is I realized that unconditional love I was searching for was there all the time with in myself and my amazing friends.
So if your feeling down and sad just remember every break up is a chance to grow and learn. Hang in there <3
Also if you can make a meeting that will help :)
-- Edited by ItsAllAboutMeMC on Thursday 10th of November 2016 01:48:44 PM
SerenityRUS said
Nov 10, 2016
My opinion is you are grieving .. I know I did 8 years is a long time to invest into a relationship that didn't turn out the way I imagined in my case it was 15 years. It's ok to have good days and not so great days it sounds like you are processing and right where you need to be. Please be gentle with yourself. 2 1/2 months is not a long time. I am not someone who advocates jumping from one relationship to another to get over the last one. Let's not even talk about the disrespect of your x of ending it over text?! Seriously?! Wow. Words are insufficient to express what I'm really thinking. Take care of yourself and do the next right thing for you which means in my mind at least feelings are not facts .. Feel them and move forward. Hugs.
andromeda said
Nov 10, 2016
Ok, first off, I don't think you're on a pity pot. You are grieving the loss of a relationship and the ending of something that you weren't quite prepared for. I think you should give yourself a break, love up on yourself, and just breathe. Just take care of you and get to some meetings, vent to your friends, and let time heal those wounds. It won't happen overnight. Sending you tons of love and support friend.
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2016
(((FMT))) - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I tend to also think you are grieving and what the program teaches me is that feelings are real and we must walk through them. However they are not facts. It took me a bit of time and an understanding sponsor to separate my feelings from my disease. In my crazy brain, when I woke up sad, mad or overwhelmed, I 'expected' that I was just going to have a bad day.
I had to be taught that how I woke up and how my day would be were not aligned. I could do a variety of things - pray, talk to my sponsor or a close program friend, breathe, journal, etc. I also was told I could start my day over at any time. So - it's OK and normal to feel. Where 'we' get stuck is that we take the feeling and allow it to dominate our thoughts. Such as, "I am always going to be alone" or "Nobody likes me" or "I'll never learn" or "He's/She's always going to be ....................." <<<<< This is the thinking that is crazy making - not the feelings.
Positive affirmations, as silly as they sound, have worked wonders for me this year.....my sponsor suggests that for every projecting thought I have that's negative, I need to find 3 positive ones. So - in your example, just as you did, you wrote about it. You've shared it with others. You're working a program. You're seeking support and ESH from others. You done exactly what we do in this program!
So - a mini inventory would suggest that you woke up sad and feeling a bit lonely. But, you put you first, pulled out some tools, and took some action. We are asked to use our past as a learning tool. Nobody ever said we use our past to ensure no repeats. Life is full of risk/reward situations. We are not perfect - quite the opposite. We can't ever assume what has happened before will happen again as each of us, recovering or not, grows/changes each day. The spiritual aspect of our program asks us to just focus on this day and trust our HP to lead us.
My hope for you is the next time you are sad and grieving your relationship, you recall how you worked your program to get through this day. On the other side of the program, we talk about being willing to go to any lengths to get/keep serenity. I use that too when I have those days where I'd rather just stay in bed, pull the covers up and allow life to happen around me. I am reminded that my HP truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free. While the bed may sound appealing, it's just not action. Recovery is about action.
(((Hugs))) - we got this - together we are better!!
FooledMeTwice said
Nov 10, 2016
Thanks everyone for the kind words, understanding and suggestions. Today is done and tomorrow is a new day -
el-cee said
Nov 11, 2016
I find it hard to let these feelings flow through me and accept them. I am quite hard on myself and put a label on it like self pity or other shortcomings but sometimes it must just be pain and hurt and it will pass. I do believe allowing your feelings to just be and to sit with them, maybe write about them, explore them a little is true acceptance of self. something Im not too good at, I fight and struggle against feeling my full range of feelings. I hope you can be gentle and allow this to be and I hope it passes with a little more healing and progress.
I am really struggling today. I can't get my ex ABF off my mind and am still in disbelief that after 8 years together he ended everything between us to work on his sobriety - and he ended it in a text message no less. I know we are all in control of our own happiness and I need to focus on me etc. etc. But it's been 2 1/2 months and I just want to get past this and feel alive again. I am grateful that I have had good days - and days where I feel like I'm getting stronger but today is really bringing me down emotionally. It's my own fault for getting involved with a recovering alcoholic (even though he had over 30 years sobriety) I should of realized the risk I was taking. Yes I'm on a pity pot and I know I need to get over it. Any tips in how to do that would be much appreciated.
{{{{{{FooledMeTwice}}}}}}
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your situation is difficult, no one would disagree with that.
What I've learned so far (and believe me I'm still in the thick of it as well!) is that it is best to give myself space to feel my feelings. If I try and bandaid them, or reach out to someone that will feed my ego I never really get the "point" of why I'm going through it all. It's best for me to sit back, feel that punched-in-the-gut feeling, cry and talk to those working the program just like you have done here.
I've been having all kinds of light bulb moments wading through my own brokenness. I'm no where close to having it all figured out, but I've learned that this pain I'm feeling SUCKS.. but it has a much bigger purpose.
Sitting on the 'pity pot' can be really useful. It allows you to ask all of the "why's". Bring your why's to program friends & you will get a good understanding of the how-to's.
I hope that makes sense. I'm a little discombobulated myself today. Going through moments of agony followed by moments of clarity. It's exhausting, but there's a greater purpose here!
Be kind to yourself. You're not alone!
I really feel for you as I am struggling with a break up with an A as well. The only difference is that hes not sober and I broke it off. It was a very unhealthy relationship even from the start. I still however am in love with him so I struggle every day with my choice. But I know it was the right one. Both of us are sick him still being a very active user and me still suffering the effects of growing up with an A mother and an abusive father.
I am only 32 and in the past 16 years I have gone from 1 ABF to a AH to another ABF. All with in months of each other. This one was the hardiest though. We grew up in very similar families and connected on a level I had never experienced before. I'm sure you can understand why I really never had time to work on myself. My latest ex and I just broke up a mouth ago and like I said I struggle from day to day. But you know what I have found being alone? That I'm really and truly getting to know myself and I'm also spending a lot more time with my friends. My relationships that I neglected from being so addicted to my ex are really growing that includes my relationship with myself. The best thing about it is I realized that unconditional love I was searching for was there all the time with in myself and my amazing friends.
So if your feeling down and sad just remember every break up is a chance to grow and learn. Hang in there <3
Also if you can make a meeting that will help :)
-- Edited by ItsAllAboutMeMC on Thursday 10th of November 2016 01:48:44 PM
I had to be taught that how I woke up and how my day would be were not aligned. I could do a variety of things - pray, talk to my sponsor or a close program friend, breathe, journal, etc. I also was told I could start my day over at any time. So - it's OK and normal to feel. Where 'we' get stuck is that we take the feeling and allow it to dominate our thoughts. Such as, "I am always going to be alone" or "Nobody likes me" or "I'll never learn" or "He's/She's always going to be ....................." <<<<< This is the thinking that is crazy making - not the feelings.
Positive affirmations, as silly as they sound, have worked wonders for me this year.....my sponsor suggests that for every projecting thought I have that's negative, I need to find 3 positive ones. So - in your example, just as you did, you wrote about it. You've shared it with others. You're working a program. You're seeking support and ESH from others. You done exactly what we do in this program!
So - a mini inventory would suggest that you woke up sad and feeling a bit lonely. But, you put you first, pulled out some tools, and took some action. We are asked to use our past as a learning tool. Nobody ever said we use our past to ensure no repeats. Life is full of risk/reward situations. We are not perfect - quite the opposite. We can't ever assume what has happened before will happen again as each of us, recovering or not, grows/changes each day. The spiritual aspect of our program asks us to just focus on this day and trust our HP to lead us.
My hope for you is the next time you are sad and grieving your relationship, you recall how you worked your program to get through this day. On the other side of the program, we talk about being willing to go to any lengths to get/keep serenity. I use that too when I have those days where I'd rather just stay in bed, pull the covers up and allow life to happen around me. I am reminded that my HP truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free. While the bed may sound appealing, it's just not action. Recovery is about action.
(((Hugs))) - we got this - together we are better!!
I find it hard to let these feelings flow through me and accept them. I am quite hard on myself and put a label on it like self pity or other shortcomings but sometimes it must just be pain and hurt and it will pass. I do believe allowing your feelings to just be and to sit with them, maybe write about them, explore them a little is true acceptance of self. something Im not too good at, I fight and struggle against feeling my full range of feelings. I hope you can be gentle and allow this to be and I hope it passes with a little more healing and progress.