First Post, please, I need an ear. Live in boyfriend is becoming paranoid/delusional when and after drinking.
megoreilly said
Nov 10, 2016
I laid awake most of the night wondering who I could speak to confidentially. I then remembered this wonderful program and am so happy there is an online resource.
My live in boyfriend, of 8 years, is spinning out of control. He is an admitted alcoholic, but has recently taken up with his old love, Vodka. His first drink is before 9 in the morning. By 11, he takes his first 'nap'. When he wakes, the drinks continue. By the evening he is often acting combative. If he stays up past 7 or 8 pm, which is not often, he becomes accusatory for issues that often don't exist. He thinks I am changing his on-line passwords, disconnecting his Skype account, taking up with an employee, or draining his bank accounts. In the morning, he doesn't remember the nature of what he did or said, so acts like nothing happened, and then the cycle continues. We moved to Ecuador together 3 years ago to start a small hotel business, which is doing well, but requires a lot of attention. Every day my only wish is that he doesn't disrupt our guests and employees with his drunkenness. I don't even expect his help anymore. Last week we had to take him to the doctors office because he had an accident on his bicycle and fell into the rocks. He continued to pass out while the doctor examined him. He has previously been hospitalized for withdrawal from vodka, where he experienced intense hallucinations and delusional thinking. I never knew such a thing was possible. We have a business that we need to run, (well, I do now), because we have a lot of our retirement savings invested. After the earthquake, the property is unlikely to sell quickly. How do I help him, and myself? I am tired, angry, nervous being around him, embarrassed and so very disappointed. It is hard for me to not look at him as weak, which I know is not fair. I want him out, because I am not in love with the man he has become. I will miss the old Chris, but not this very ill new version. I feel selfish for saying so, but I can't imagine living like this for much longer. I am afraid if I call his family, and let them know if his decline, I will hurt him more. I don't think they would do much in any case, as they have known for many years of his disease, and just say 'Well, he is a grown man'. How do you get an active alcoholic to listen, to reason, to be present for a sober conversation? How do I escape? His previous promises of staying sober, have always been empty. I am afraid for him, and I am sad and angry for myself. Thank you for listening to my story. Please pray for us, and if you can, offer to me any advice you may have from your experience. Thank you
hotrod said
Nov 10, 2016
Hello Megoreilly Welcome. I hear you and so understand the pain and anxiety of which you speak. Alcoholism is a destructive, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless.
AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon is the recovery program for family members. You see living with this disease we develop many negative coping tools to help us deal with the insanity and tend to neglect our own needs. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is usually in the telephone directory. It is in alanon that I was given new tools to live by and found a supportive network of people who understood as few others could. There is hope Please keep coming back.
Positive thoughts an prayers on the way
megoreilly said
Nov 10, 2016
Thank you Talmud for your kind response. We live in a small fishing village on the coast of South America. Unfortunately, we do not have alanon meetings...which is why I was hoping I could reach out in this forum.
hotrod said
Nov 10, 2016
We have on line meetings here but unfotunately I am unsure of the time zone conversion.
Here is he schedule
Al-Anon Family Group Meeting/Chat RoomMeetings 9 AM EST Mon-Fri 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun 7 PM EST Sunday
It sounds very stressful.
Unfortunately it's nigh on impossible to get anyone to see things our way, least of all an alcoholic.
There are online meetings here on the board...the link is at the top of the page. I believe they are held twice a day.
I think you're doing well to recognise that you can't count on him to help with anything; the unfortunate truth for most of us is that we have to work out how to navigate things on our own and perhaps leaving will be what you ultimately decide you want to do; al-anon is very helpful for calming our minds and making decisions based on what we want and need rather than what we think other people expect us to do.
Al-anon literature might also be helpful to you; I believe you can order much of it from amazon etc.
Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2016
I too send warm welcomes to you megoreilly.....so sorry that there appear to be no meetings in your area. We have meetings here twice a day - look to the top left for the meeting times and a link to the meeting 'room'. It's a chat room and hopefully that will get you more connected with others who truly understand what you're living with and experiencing.
You are always welcome to come here and post. Most of us will do what we can to share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with you. I am sorry for the way you are affected by the disease. It is progressive and is truly never cured - just arrested through abstinence and recovery of some sort. Most of us are affected by living with or loving them, and our ability to cope, manage and think clearly is often distorted because of the disease.
Finding literature would possibly also help you out a bit. What we learn in Al-Anon is that we too are powerless over alcohol. We can't control it or cure it and nothing we did caused it. We do what we can to work on ourselves and accept life on life's terms. We work a 12 step program that helps us rely on a power greater than ourselves.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
KennyFenderjazz said
Nov 10, 2016
Hi Meg, it looks like you are on Eastern time where you are, so the times Betty posted should be correct for you.
Kenny
hotrod said
Nov 10, 2016
Thanks Kenny
megoreilly said
Nov 10, 2016
Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and support. By reading posts and the 12 steps this morning, I was able to interact with my AB calmly, when I discovered he is already drunk. His shirt is on backwards and his breath smells like booze, his baseball hat is on crooked, unshowered.....yuck. How did it get this far? I will join the online group to learn more. Thank you.
Mattie said
Nov 10, 2016
I am so sorry, but glad you have found us.
It sounds like you have two separate sets of things to deal with: the running of the hotel and preserving of your financial stability; and the remaining calm and keeping your sanity.
Al-Anon has the tools for the second one, and the second one will help you figure out how to do the first one.
Al-Anon suggests that we shouldn't give advice, but I will tell you what I learned from dealing with my own alcoholic boyfriend-later-husband - that for financial and legal things, a lawyer is pretty much a necessity. Someone who has experience with alcoholics and others who have lost their sound decision-making capacities. If your A had been hit on the head, or developed schizophrenia, or had early-onset dementia, you'd need a way to protect things also. This is another situation like that, where reasoning with him isn't going to produce a helpful solution, sadly. But in all those situations you'd find a way ahead - maybe not an ideal way, but a way. So there will be a way here too.
I hope you'll reading through the threads on this site, connect with the meetings, and keep coming back. I know this is very sad and hard. Hugs.
megoreilly said
Dec 10, 2016
Thank you for your kind reply. I am actually on my way to my first post break-up meeting with my now EX! Writing on this board was a wake up call for me. If I was asking for help, then I knew what had to be done. He is now in the pleading stages, 'can change' process, 'one more time' panic, but I pray for strength today to stick to my guns and go on to a healthier life alone. And yes, the finances are going to be a difficult part. The selfish ego, one that loves to be the victim won't go away....and he now wants financial support. THAT I can deal with. Sleeping next to him was something I couldn't. Thank you for your support as I move forward <3
hotrod said
Dec 10, 2016
((Megoreilly)) Good work in taking care of yourself Sending positive thoughts and payers on the way. Please do keep coming back
Freetime said
Dec 10, 2016
Hi Meg, I remember your first post, and am so glad you came back to report on your progress. I, too, have experienced times of having to figure out finances and being no longer able to sleep next to someone because of the disease. Keep coming back! You might also look for some of the Al-Anon literature such as the "Courage to Change" daily reader, to have nearby as a day-to-day inspiration.
Iamhere said
Dec 10, 2016
Good on you for getting to meetings and using the program to work on you - for you! When ever I embark upon a new leg of our journey, I always pull out two things to read each day - the Just for Today hand-out and the Acceptance write-up (from the AA Big Book). Reading these each day help me get grounded and stay present in this day - which is so, so helpful when change is in process!
Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
Maresie25 said
Dec 12, 2016
That must be a very difficult undertaking. I hope you have lots of space for yourself. Saying No to an alcoholic is very very difficult. Divesting your stuff is really hard.
Financial support is the tricky part because of course for them the finances are all about their supply
Maresie25
I laid awake most of the night wondering who I could speak to confidentially. I then remembered this wonderful program and am so happy there is an online resource.
My live in boyfriend, of 8 years, is spinning out of control. He is an admitted alcoholic, but has recently taken up with his old love, Vodka. His first drink is before 9 in the morning. By 11, he takes his first 'nap'. When he wakes, the drinks continue. By the evening he is often acting combative. If he stays up past 7 or 8 pm, which is not often, he becomes accusatory for issues that often don't exist. He thinks I am changing his on-line passwords, disconnecting his Skype account, taking up with an employee, or draining his bank accounts. In the morning, he doesn't remember the nature of what he did or said, so acts like nothing happened, and then the cycle continues. We moved to Ecuador together 3 years ago to start a small hotel business, which is doing well, but requires a lot of attention. Every day my only wish is that he doesn't disrupt our guests and employees with his drunkenness. I don't even expect his help anymore. Last week we had to take him to the doctors office because he had an accident on his bicycle and fell into the rocks. He continued to pass out while the doctor examined him. He has previously been hospitalized for withdrawal from vodka, where he experienced intense hallucinations and delusional thinking. I never knew such a thing was possible. We have a business that we need to run, (well, I do now), because we have a lot of our retirement savings invested. After the earthquake, the property is unlikely to sell quickly. How do I help him, and myself? I am tired, angry, nervous being around him, embarrassed and so very disappointed. It is hard for me to not look at him as weak, which I know is not fair. I want him out, because I am not in love with the man he has become. I will miss the old Chris, but not this very ill new version. I feel selfish for saying so, but I can't imagine living like this for much longer. I am afraid if I call his family, and let them know if his decline, I will hurt him more. I don't think they would do much in any case, as they have known for many years of his disease, and just say 'Well, he is a grown man'. How do you get an active alcoholic to listen, to reason, to be present for a sober conversation? How do I escape? His previous promises of staying sober, have always been empty. I am afraid for him, and I am sad and angry for myself. Thank you for listening to my story. Please pray for us, and if you can, offer to me any advice you may have from your experience. Thank you
Hello Megoreilly Welcome. I hear you and so understand the pain and anxiety of which you speak. Alcoholism is a destructive, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless.
AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon is the recovery program for family members. You see living with this disease we develop many negative coping tools to help us deal with the insanity and tend to neglect our own needs.
I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is usually in the telephone directory. It is in alanon that I was given new tools to live by and found a supportive network of people who understood as few others could.
There is hope Please keep coming back.
Positive thoughts an prayers on the way
We have on line meetings here but unfotunately I am unsure of the time zone conversion.
Here is he schedule
Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat RoomMeetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday
Here is the link
www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Unfortunately it's nigh on impossible to get anyone to see things our way, least of all an alcoholic.
There are online meetings here on the board...the link is at the top of the page. I believe they are held twice a day.
I think you're doing well to recognise that you can't count on him to help with anything; the unfortunate truth for most of us is that we have to work out how to navigate things on our own and perhaps leaving will be what you ultimately decide you want to do; al-anon is very helpful for calming our minds and making decisions based on what we want and need rather than what we think other people expect us to do.
Al-anon literature might also be helpful to you; I believe you can order much of it from amazon etc.
Keep coming back
You are always welcome to come here and post. Most of us will do what we can to share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with you. I am sorry for the way you are affected by the disease. It is progressive and is truly never cured - just arrested through abstinence and recovery of some sort. Most of us are affected by living with or loving them, and our ability to cope, manage and think clearly is often distorted because of the disease.
Finding literature would possibly also help you out a bit. What we learn in Al-Anon is that we too are powerless over alcohol. We can't control it or cure it and nothing we did caused it. We do what we can to work on ourselves and accept life on life's terms. We work a 12 step program that helps us rely on a power greater than ourselves.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
Kenny
Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and support. By reading posts and the 12 steps this morning, I was able to interact with my AB calmly, when I discovered he is already drunk. His shirt is on backwards and his breath smells like booze, his baseball hat is on crooked, unshowered.....yuck. How did it get this far? I will join the online group to learn more. Thank you.
I am so sorry, but glad you have found us.
It sounds like you have two separate sets of things to deal with: the running of the hotel and preserving of your financial stability; and the remaining calm and keeping your sanity.
Al-Anon has the tools for the second one, and the second one will help you figure out how to do the first one.
Al-Anon suggests that we shouldn't give advice, but I will tell you what I learned from dealing with my own alcoholic boyfriend-later-husband - that for financial and legal things, a lawyer is pretty much a necessity. Someone who has experience with alcoholics and others who have lost their sound decision-making capacities. If your A had been hit on the head, or developed schizophrenia, or had early-onset dementia, you'd need a way to protect things also. This is another situation like that, where reasoning with him isn't going to produce a helpful solution, sadly. But in all those situations you'd find a way ahead - maybe not an ideal way, but a way. So there will be a way here too.
I hope you'll reading through the threads on this site, connect with the meetings, and keep coming back. I know this is very sad and hard. Hugs.
Hi Meg, I remember your first post, and am so glad you came back to report on your progress. I, too, have experienced times of having to figure out finances and being no longer able to sleep next to someone because of the disease. Keep coming back! You might also look for some of the Al-Anon literature such as the "Courage to Change" daily reader, to have nearby as a day-to-day inspiration.
Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))