My adult daughter and family is living with us. We do not drink. I have noticed daughter drinks every day. She does not get drunk. I'm thinking she has a tolerance. My gut has been telling me 'this is not good, danger, danger'. When, how do i say anything?
hotrod said
Nov 9, 2016
Hi Runi I do so understand and have found that confronting anyone's drinking never really accomplished anything positive. I try to remember that I am powerless over people places and things and that people only take in information that they are ready to hear.
Keeping the focus on yourself, sharing your experience in attending alanon and then moving into the concept of the disease of alcoholism will provide her with positive unbiased information so she can make an informed choice.
Positive thoughts on the way.
runi said
Nov 9, 2016
Are you saying I should pass on information etc. i get from alanon meetings? i have been attending alanon for several months. Confronting anyone's drinking never really accomplished anything positive ugh....... Are you saying, 'just live with it, let the disease run its course?
Lucy125 said
Nov 9, 2016
After my brother's divorce, he went to my dad's house. My dad told him, you drink too much. You need help. My brother cut off my dad and didn't speak to him. He wouldn't see my mom. My brother gaslighted my dad and told us he was all crazy. He then proceeded to tell stories about how terrible my dad was for the next ten years. I believed my brother and not my dad. He was very convincing. I should have known my dad was right. My brother did try to take my dad to the doctor in his last days. I think it was guilt for what my brother did.
Now Brother is dying. IMO this confrontation thing is was a no win situation. I would mention he problem one time, and then drop the subject. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Try and put your life back together and accept, they may or may never get help.
hotrod said
Nov 9, 2016
I am suggesting that keeping the focus on yourself and what you have learned might be a constructive way to impart information to your daughter.
Remember that it is your home and if you are upset over her drinking you can draw a boundary on this.
Some CAL books that are helpful: are:
Alcoholism the Family Disease, How do I Help My Children as well as the Merry go Round Named Denial, are all informative
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2016
Runi - welcome back.....glad that you are attending meetings - they helped me realize that confrontation doesn't work well mainly because of the deep denial brought about by the disease. What helped me when active alcoholism was in my home was to establish boundaries for my home that were enforceable. Both of my sons no longer live here as they were not able to respect my boundaries.
My sponsor really helped with these types of issues. She would remind me over and over again it's not that they are drinking that's bothering you - it's your own feelings about the drinking that is bothering you. She was right - in any other home, or in their own residence, they would have the choice to drink often/daily. However, in my home, it was not acceptable....to me.
I had to always remember I am powerless over what others do and say. Yet, I do have the right to a peaceful existence. Today, I do all that I can to keep my existence peaceful and to protect my serenity. Trust the program, the process and the steps.
It's been so much better with my sons to say, "I am really concerned for you regarding your ............................." instead of, "I think you ......................" I learned I statements in recovery and that's been a game-changer for our communications and our relationships.
Keep coming back!
Mattie said
Nov 9, 2016
Sadly, alchoholics never decide to go into recovery because someone else suggests that their drinking is damaging - the pull of the alcohol distorts their thinking, and they have to go through a lot to see the truth, which they do on their own timeline, if they ever do.
But non-alcoholics will sometimes be receptive to a caring person suggesting that their drinking might be hurting them. That's one of the differences between alcoholics and people who may be heavy drinkers but don't have that same compulsion. So if your daughter is "merely" a heavy drinker, without the compulsion, she might be open to hearing your concern. Bearing in mind that none of us are that fond of other people telling us what to do!
I think all of us have expressed our concern to the alcoholics in our family, even if it never did a bit of good (sadly). Because we wanted to be sure we had tried everything. What gets us into a bad state is trying again and again, despite the evidence that the alcoholic is not taking it in. If they're not open to taking it in, repeating it twenty times isn't any more effective, and risks making us obsessed with trying to persuade them, which distorts our own lives into just trying to control someone who cannot be controlled by anyone but themselves.
So what I'm saying is that if someone is not an alcoholic, they may be open to hearing concern. If they are an alcoholic, we will know we have tried. But if they are an alcoholic, the best way to cultivate a healthy dynamic is to concentrate on our own recovery, by going to meetings, learning the tools, etc., rather than to keep at them in an effort to convince them. Not saying that that's what you're doing, just that it's the pattern many of us fall into.
runi said
Nov 9, 2016
Thank you all for your wisdom, counsel and answers. 'I am really concerned for you regarding your.........'..is great. i will be waiting, praying, for God to lead me in saying that. Timing... Yes, i agree this is a no win situation and I must continue going to alanon and working on me. (I am and have never been good at that) Boundaries, I will be praying for guidance
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2016
Runi - you were on my mind in my meeting today....we discussed motives and there are some great readings in Courage to Change about this. As you pray and process, they may be of value to you in your message.
My sponsor really helped me 'see' that others were not doing to me or at me. That was my thinking that personalized actions/reactions. As far as words went, unless my qualifiers were just no-good bums (which they are not) she always asked me to consider the person vs. the disease before taking their words personally. She's been very awesome for my growth and always makes me restate my rants to her with I feel ........................................ when ................................ or I am worried, afraid, mad, sad, etc. when ...............................................
I statements are something that she taught me and they have truly worked well here. Because I didn't think I was part of the problem before recovery, I usually came out of the gates with YOU statements. Owning my part or detaching from what I can't control has really helped me best formulate I statements. My qualifiers may not change their actions resulting from my concerns, but when they are stated with pure motives for me, they certainly respond much better than how I tried to discuss things before. Things have improved greatly and rarely are any of them (if ever) under the influence around me. Finally - boundaries are respected...
I stunk with boundaries too before I got a sponsor. If you don't have one, you can always ask another member to help you with boundaries, and I am certain one will. Getting input from others in recovery has helped me realize there are more ways to do things that what I come up with alone!
(((Hugs)))
runi said
Nov 9, 2016
iamhere, thank you for your thoughts, thoughtfulness and kindness with your words, wisdom, and encouragement. yes i agree getting input from others in recovery has helped. and does help. i am very grateful for your response and the responses of others. i am feeling better.
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2016
Good on you - just keep working on you and it will continue to get better.....that was my experience! It's hard when it's a child - I do understand that.....(((Hugs)))
Fedora said
Nov 9, 2016
Just wanted to chime in that everything people have been suggesting is true. It goes against our instincts - like, "shouldn't we warn people that a train is about to hit them, and knock them over a cliff"? But in fact, they're already ON the train. The trick is to get so that you don't go over the cliff with them.
I'm not sure why it's in our nature to deny things. It's not just about alcohol. My dad's physician told him that he was pre-diabetic and that he would need to make some lifestyle changes. Dad ignored. MD told him he was diabetic and about to suffer consequences. Dad ignored. Bad things happened. My dad was an intelligent man. And yet ... Unfortunately my AH is just like him. I tried telling him (a while back) about the badness of alcohol etc. It was about as effective as telling someone they shouldn't be so tall.
When it finally came out in public that he's a drinker (he won't say alcoholic), he just got mad at everyone for labeling him. If I even hint at something that sounds like it came from Al-Anon he goes OFF. He's sure that I go to AlAn. "to get attention", and to "make stuff up".
Anyway, (enough about me already, ha ha) you take care of you. It won't make them well, but it will make you better. And that's worth a whole lot.
My adult daughter and family is living with us. We do not drink. I have noticed daughter drinks every day. She does not get drunk. I'm thinking she has a tolerance. My gut has been telling me 'this is not good, danger, danger'. When, how do i say anything?
Keeping the focus on yourself, sharing your experience in attending alanon and then moving into the concept of the disease of alcoholism will provide her with positive unbiased information so she can make an informed choice.
Positive thoughts on the way.
After my brother's divorce, he went to my dad's house. My dad told him, you drink too much. You need help. My brother cut off my dad and didn't speak to him. He wouldn't see my mom. My brother gaslighted my dad and told us he was all crazy. He then proceeded to tell stories about how terrible my dad was for the next ten years. I believed my brother and not my dad. He was very convincing. I should have known my dad was right. My brother did try to take my dad to the doctor in his last days. I think it was guilt for what my brother did.
Now Brother is dying. IMO this confrontation thing is was a no win situation. I would mention he problem one time, and then drop the subject. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Try and put your life back together and accept, they may or may never get help.
Remember that it is your home and if you are upset over her drinking you can draw a boundary on this.
Some CAL books that are helpful: are:
Alcoholism the Family Disease, How do I Help My Children as well as the Merry go Round Named Denial, are all informative
My sponsor really helped with these types of issues. She would remind me over and over again it's not that they are drinking that's bothering you - it's your own feelings about the drinking that is bothering you. She was right - in any other home, or in their own residence, they would have the choice to drink often/daily. However, in my home, it was not acceptable....to me.
I had to always remember I am powerless over what others do and say. Yet, I do have the right to a peaceful existence. Today, I do all that I can to keep my existence peaceful and to protect my serenity. Trust the program, the process and the steps.
It's been so much better with my sons to say, "I am really concerned for you regarding your ............................." instead of, "I think you ......................" I learned I statements in recovery and that's been a game-changer for our communications and our relationships.
Keep coming back!
Sadly, alchoholics never decide to go into recovery because someone else suggests that their drinking is damaging - the pull of the alcohol distorts their thinking, and they have to go through a lot to see the truth, which they do on their own timeline, if they ever do.
But non-alcoholics will sometimes be receptive to a caring person suggesting that their drinking might be hurting them. That's one of the differences between alcoholics and people who may be heavy drinkers but don't have that same compulsion. So if your daughter is "merely" a heavy drinker, without the compulsion, she might be open to hearing your concern. Bearing in mind that none of us are that fond of other people telling us what to do!
I think all of us have expressed our concern to the alcoholics in our family, even if it never did a bit of good (sadly). Because we wanted to be sure we had tried everything. What gets us into a bad state is trying again and again, despite the evidence that the alcoholic is not taking it in. If they're not open to taking it in, repeating it twenty times isn't any more effective, and risks making us obsessed with trying to persuade them, which distorts our own lives into just trying to control someone who cannot be controlled by anyone but themselves.
So what I'm saying is that if someone is not an alcoholic, they may be open to hearing concern. If they are an alcoholic, we will know we have tried. But if they are an alcoholic, the best way to cultivate a healthy dynamic is to concentrate on our own recovery, by going to meetings, learning the tools, etc., rather than to keep at them in an effort to convince them. Not saying that that's what you're doing, just that it's the pattern many of us fall into.
My sponsor really helped me 'see' that others were not doing to me or at me. That was my thinking that personalized actions/reactions. As far as words went, unless my qualifiers were just no-good bums (which they are not) she always asked me to consider the person vs. the disease before taking their words personally. She's been very awesome for my growth and always makes me restate my rants to her with I feel ........................................ when ................................ or I am worried, afraid, mad, sad, etc. when ...............................................
I statements are something that she taught me and they have truly worked well here. Because I didn't think I was part of the problem before recovery, I usually came out of the gates with YOU statements. Owning my part or detaching from what I can't control has really helped me best formulate I statements. My qualifiers may not change their actions resulting from my concerns, but when they are stated with pure motives for me, they certainly respond much better than how I tried to discuss things before. Things have improved greatly and rarely are any of them (if ever) under the influence around me. Finally - boundaries are respected...
I stunk with boundaries too before I got a sponsor. If you don't have one, you can always ask another member to help you with boundaries, and I am certain one will. Getting input from others in recovery has helped me realize there are more ways to do things that what I come up with alone!
(((Hugs)))
I'm not sure why it's in our nature to deny things. It's not just about alcohol. My dad's physician told him that he was pre-diabetic and that he would need to make some lifestyle changes. Dad ignored. MD told him he was diabetic and about to suffer consequences. Dad ignored. Bad things happened. My dad was an intelligent man. And yet ... Unfortunately my AH is just like him. I tried telling him (a while back) about the badness of alcohol etc. It was about as effective as telling someone they shouldn't be so tall.
When it finally came out in public that he's a drinker (he won't say alcoholic), he just got mad at everyone for labeling him. If I even hint at something that sounds like it came from Al-Anon he goes OFF. He's sure that I go to AlAn. "to get attention", and to "make stuff up".
Anyway, (enough about me already, ha ha) you take care of you. It won't make them well, but it will make you better. And that's worth a whole lot.
((hugs))