Hello! So I'm new to this but have sought out individual counseling before... anyways my mother has been an alcoholic since before I was born. I'm 32 years young and a mother of two young boys. In the last year my mother's health has taken a turn for the worst, she was hospitalized last fall for not eating and only drinking vodka, in that hospital stay she went through DTs and is also now not able to walk. She has continued to drink. I've lately been questioning why I still talk to her when all she wants to do is cause arguments or give me huge guilt trips. Her family enables her drinking and will take her weekly to get vodka even though they know she has a problem. Specifically my aunt (her sister) who is a nurse, is constantly getting her liquor and then also starting fights between my mother and myself. I don't want to live with the regret if I walk away now and she ends up killing herself with the drinking but I also can't live in this crazy codependent world I'm currently in. The only thing that keeps me talking to her is that I want my boys to have a relationship with their grandma, but is it worth my happiness and sanity?
-- Edited by Beans22 on Monday 7th of November 2016 08:19:12 PM
SerenityRUS said
Nov 7, 2016
Hi Beans and welcome,
Not sure if you are attending alanon meetings as well as individual counseling. So much of this is personal choice. Reality is the outcome will be a final one since your mom is continuing to do what she's doing and there are direct health issues attached. I am very sorry for your pain. It's very difficult to watch someone kill themselves in the very literal sense of the word.
I hope you will keep coming back you are not alone there are many people who have walked in your shoes and had to make very difficult decisions regarding to continue a relationship or not.
Keep coming back it does make a difference.
S :)
Beans22 said
Nov 7, 2016
Thanks for the kind words and support. I will definitely be coming back. I recently moved to a new state so I haven't found any meetings yet but I plan to find some.
e_i_m said
Nov 7, 2016
Hi Jill, welcome to MIP. My mother died of cirhosis of the liver from drinking when I was 28 and she was 66. She drank until the day she went into the hospital and died a few days later. There was a lot of chaos in my life growing up. I distanced myself from my parents as soon as I could (they were both alcoholics, my father also died from alcoholism a few years after my mother -- and I was the only child), and left home when I was 17. I did return repeatedly to try to have a relationship with my parents but it was really difficult. I wanted them to love and care for me, and not for me to have to take care of them. I was going to the hardware store for bread, as we say in al-anon. In the last six months of my mother's life, I moved in to her home (my childhood home) to care for her, and I came to have a lot of compassion for her. I wish she had been able to stop drinking, but she wasn't. I didn't discover al-anon until I was 39 (8 yrs ago). I had known about alateen as a kid (a friend of my father's was in AA and always tried to get my folks into AA and left alateen booklets around for me, but I couldn't get to a meeting because I was a kid and lived in the suburbs), but I didn't know about al-anon until much later. I've been able to make a lot of positive changes in my life with the help of al-anon. If I had found the program while my folks were still alive, I might have made different choices, but I believe our Higher Power guides us to the program at a time when it's right. Anyway, it was really hard for me to watch my parents choose booze and to see the way their bodies and minds were affected by the disease. If your mom winds up dying from alcoholism, it's not your fault or your responsibility in any way -- no one but the alcoholic can make the alcoholic stop drinking. "We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it" is one of our sayings in al-anon. I hope you'll have the chance to find some in person meetings and try out different ones, find some of the literature to read, and maybe find some members to talk to as well as using this board. Face to face meetings are miraculous. I cried for two weeks straight and went to daily meetings before I could even say my name. I was so relieved and amazed to hear people telling my story and speaking honestly about the horrible things that alcoholism had brought into their lives. I hope you will find the healing and support that is available through al-anon. Thinking of you.
hotrod said
Nov 7, 2016
((Beans)) Alcoholism is a dreadful disease and I am sorry it is overshadowing your life. I think that once you are able to find an alanon meeting, you will also find the support, compassion and empathy necessary for you to develop new toos to live by. Keep coming back.
sarahGee said
Nov 8, 2016
Beans - welcome!
Your post resonates with me. im also the mother of young boys, my mom is getting very sick as well.
i am relatively new in the program, but I can tell you it has changed my life in the short time I have been involved. The pain around you will not leave, but you will learn how to maneuver yourself through it.
i can empathize with your frustrations. Everyone in the family is trying to help in their own way, but you can see that it isn't really helping at all. Step 1 teaches us that we are powerless. These things are happening, and will continue to happen despite our kicking and screaming. Just that one step will open up a new understanding for you.
keep coming back. You're not alone, I promise.
Beans22 said
Nov 8, 2016
Just reading these replies gives me hope that I will find the strength to make the right decision when it comes to my mother. My life has been put on the back burner so many times so I could be my mother's crutch or verbally and emotionally abused rag doll. I wanted to keep her around for the sake of my children but I feel like they also deserve to have a happy mom. So today while my oldest is at preschool I will search out an in person meeting because it's time I let go and find my happiness and live my life.
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2016
Great Jill I am pleased that you have found support here an urge you to keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2016
Good morning Beans and I send a warm welcome to you too. Living with or loving one with this disease is life-changing. I came to Al-Anon broken, hopeless and full of guilt, shame and negativity. I was amazed at the support and understanding from others who truly understood my lot in life. They showed me I could be happy and at peace by focusing on me and my journey. They showed me that giving away my state of mind to others was a choice. I was given tools and steps to help me heal from the devastating affects of alcoholism. I was relieved to find a safe place to share where others really understood, and supported me.
I hope you too will find local meetings, and find local support, help and hope! Keep coming back here too - you are not alone!
Hello! So I'm new to this but have sought out individual counseling before... anyways my mother has been an alcoholic since before I was born. I'm 32 years young and a mother of two young boys. In the last year my mother's health has taken a turn for the worst, she was hospitalized last fall for not eating and only drinking vodka, in that hospital stay she went through DTs and is also now not able to walk. She has continued to drink. I've lately been questioning why I still talk to her when all she wants to do is cause arguments or give me huge guilt trips. Her family enables her drinking and will take her weekly to get vodka even though they know she has a problem. Specifically my aunt (her sister) who is a nurse, is constantly getting her liquor and then also starting fights between my mother and myself. I don't want to live with the regret if I walk away now and she ends up killing herself with the drinking but I also can't live in this crazy codependent world I'm currently in. The only thing that keeps me talking to her is that I want my boys to have a relationship with their grandma, but is it worth my happiness and sanity?
-- Edited by Beans22 on Monday 7th of November 2016 08:19:12 PM
Not sure if you are attending alanon meetings as well as individual counseling. So much of this is personal choice. Reality is the outcome will be a final one since your mom is continuing to do what she's doing and there are direct health issues attached. I am very sorry for your pain. It's very difficult to watch someone kill themselves in the very literal sense of the word.
I hope you will keep coming back you are not alone there are many people who have walked in your shoes and had to make very difficult decisions regarding to continue a relationship or not.
Keep coming back it does make a difference.
S :)
Beans - welcome!
Your post resonates with me. im also the mother of young boys, my mom is getting very sick as well.
i am relatively new in the program, but I can tell you it has changed my life in the short time I have been involved. The pain around you will not leave, but you will learn how to maneuver yourself through it.
i can empathize with your frustrations. Everyone in the family is trying to help in their own way, but you can see that it isn't really helping at all. Step 1 teaches us that we are powerless. These things are happening, and will continue to happen despite our kicking and screaming. Just that one step will open up a new understanding for you.
keep coming back. You're not alone, I promise.
I hope you too will find local meetings, and find local support, help and hope! Keep coming back here too - you are not alone!
(((Hugs)))