I found myself in a new situation. My qualifier, son, and me went over to our friends house for dinner. This was the first time I faced a situation that I was humiliated not only in front of our friend, but a stranger as well. The humiliation came from the mouth. I quickly collected my things and gathered our son. My excuse was getting him ready for bed. We took separate cars. I had nothing to say, but my actions I'll sure demonstrated my distress. There was no argument at home, for many of us know, there is no such thing as a conversation with a drunk. What is a better way to handle such situations? The holidays are coming up and I want to make things less awkward for myself and those who may be around us. Thank you!
Mattie said
Nov 7, 2016
Leaving in a separate car was a great way to handle that.
I found that the only way to be sure of not being present at an embarrassing scene was not to go anywhere public with my A. I didn't want my friends to have to go through that. He wasn't usually that eager to go, so I just went without him.
I hope you have a meeting? Support is so essential! Hugs.
Calm Lady said
Nov 7, 2016
Very sorry to read what happened. I relate. I decided to set one of my boundaries that I do not go out with my AH for reasons as you describe.
I was out with a friend for breakfast a while ago and her AH said something nasty about her. I found it mortifying for her. The A had invited himself along. She didn't invite him.
Sadly is not uncommon. I also don't go on holiday with AH.
Very well done for leaving, also great work on having separate transport. Vital escape route.
Iamhere said
Nov 7, 2016
Reakoblack - great job taking separate cars.....that was one suggestion early on that I could do easily enough. The other was to have a Plan B - even if that was just a good book at home, a meeting, another option (if you want to go out/about), etc. I also was told to always have my phone list and if necessary, step into a bathroom and/or step outside and call someone just for a sanity check.
I've gotten better about departing awkward/uncomfortable/humiliating situations passively - like all other program things, it takes practice. I get plenty of that with 3 qualifiers. I once quietly walked out of my grandson's first birthday party without saying a thing, as if I was going to go talk outside. It took my son a while to figure out I had left without saying good-bye. When he asked about it, I just said that I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I no longer have to JADE anything I do for self preservation to another - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 7, 2016
I agree with the above posters that was wonderful self- care .. What I had to learn to do was not to take things personally .. It wasn't my humiliation I learned to not accept responsibility for what wasn't mine. I find I still take way to much responsibility for other people's stuff and honestly not on me. Continue to take care of you and doing the next right thing. Hugs.
KT2015 said
Nov 7, 2016
Hi there!
I can relate to your post as well. My AH doesn't tend to say things to directly humiliate me in public but I have a boundary with him that I will leave any situation where anyone's drinking is making me feel uncomfortable. I think you handled it well by leaving and ending the outing. I have communicated this boundary to my AH when he has not been drinking so he knows because this was a new behaviour for me. And I have only had to carry it out once. I had more of a problem with my AHs behaviour and comments in general when he got to a certain level of intoxication when in social situations. I realized that I had been jumping in to smooth over his ridiculous statements and make him look better for example "Oh you like that person you don't mean that do you hon" (I Know I'm rolling my eyes at myself). Practicing detachment in social situations works for me. I focus on enjoying myself with friends. They know exactly who he is and they can address anything he says that offends them it doesn't have to reflect on me. And when I don't jump in anymore they do (when it's important to do so). I've noticed since I stopped trying to mediate things between him and other people his behaviour has improved too. Probably because he doesn't have a negotiator/translator to facilitate his relationships with people. And deep down my AH wants people to like him. Now he just deals with the consequences of his own actions. When I am out with a friend and her AH does something embarrassing even says something to her that is rude I don't think badly of her.
I'm sorry you felt humiliated that is a terrible way to feel.
Jerry F said
Nov 7, 2016
That is another sadness of this disease Chris and also an example of how one can deal with it. Separate cars was one solutions I heard in early recovery yet never had to use myself. The disease is often very humiliating and I for one am not very skilled at handling it other than not reacting to it. Detachment and letting others make up their own perceptions is my usual thought. Good for you on the cars and keep coming back cause this works when you work it. Are you attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups?
(((hugs)))
Mercury said
Nov 8, 2016
Yes, sigh, humiliation. This is a big issue I am dealing with. My AH has a very bad habit of denigrating me to anyone who will listen after we have an argument. I suppose it makes him feel better about himself when other people believe that he is fine, but I am just "this, that or the other..." and the cause of all of his problems. He also garners sympathy. When certain people started acted badly towards me (which made me scratch my head, not understanding why) and I responded in kind by telling my AH that I didn't want that person in our house I was told that I have trouble getting along with people. At that point I didn't realize what was happening and I began to believe it. Since I have been working the program we haven't had as many arguments and I've talked to him about this issue for the first time.
Our arguments usually begin when I want to talk about feelings, he then gets angry and becomes a victim and I am the bad guy, asking too much of him. Then, rather than talk to me about it, he decides to vent to others. Talk about feeling emotionally un-safe!! That is a horrible feeling. I think this is the # 1 issue in my decision to stay or go. I don't see how I can overlook that since I don't/can't trust that he won't continue to do this. We may make up, but the people he talks to have already made their judgement against me and he has forgot that he ever said anything. He's just venting in the moment. He has a very strong personality and is the type of person who people are intimidated by and want to be on his good side. Even though most of the people in question I don't really care about or know (his bar buddies/acquaintances) but others I do. This was starting to make me feel a little crazy. We live in a smallish community and when I walk down the street I never know who he talks to and doesn't. I hate to admit it but it makes me feel paranoid. That is a really horrible feeling!! From his perspective, it gives him power and he knows it and I suppose that is what he wants. Then he acts sweet and tells me he loves me. Those words have too much power over me. Detachment becomes more difficult and I start telling myself the same unhealthy things I did that put myself here in the first place - "It's not that bad", "If I am a better person (better at giving him what he wants) then he will appreciate that and things will be better", "It's better than being alone", "He really does love me". I need to remember that love is an action verb.
The bottom line is that even though things are getting better between us, I don't think I can ever forget that he did/does? that since I don't think he understands how deeply that has hurt me. I have told him that it has but then, is he capable of appreciating that? He might say he is but I don't believe it (but then there's that part of me that wants to believe that things could change. Really, really wants to believe that).
This has been helpful for me to write about this since I have been thinking about humiliation a lot lately. When is enough enough? I know why I have such a high threshold for being mis-treated but what I don't know is when I'll have the courage to stop it. I have been biding my time, going to meetings, therapy and trying to let things happen organically but then he got an email from his brother this weekend asking if he, his wife and daughter could stay with us the end of March when they're visiting. I had no choice but to tell my AH that I don't know if I will still be here in March. I did not want to commit to that when I have no idea what lies ahead. This came as a surprise to him, even though it really shouldn't have. Now I feel like I have to make a decision one way or another soon.
Glad I have therapy tonight....the old tapes and the new tapes are playing at the same time and I'm confused!!
Hello All,
I found myself in a new situation. My qualifier, son, and me went over to our friends house for dinner. This was the first time I faced a situation that I was humiliated not only in front of our friend, but a stranger as well. The humiliation came from the mouth. I quickly collected my things and gathered our son. My excuse was getting him ready for bed. We took separate cars. I had nothing to say, but my actions I'll sure demonstrated my distress. There was no argument at home, for many of us know, there is no such thing as a conversation with a drunk. What is a better way to handle such situations? The holidays are coming up and I want to make things less awkward for myself and those who may be around us. Thank you!
Leaving in a separate car was a great way to handle that.
I found that the only way to be sure of not being present at an embarrassing scene was not to go anywhere public with my A. I didn't want my friends to have to go through that. He wasn't usually that eager to go, so I just went without him.
I hope you have a meeting? Support is so essential! Hugs.
I was out with a friend for breakfast a while ago and her AH said something nasty about her. I found it mortifying for her. The A had invited himself along. She didn't invite him.
Sadly is not uncommon. I also don't go on holiday with AH.
Very well done for leaving, also great work on having separate transport. Vital escape route.
I've gotten better about departing awkward/uncomfortable/humiliating situations passively - like all other program things, it takes practice. I get plenty of that with 3 qualifiers. I once quietly walked out of my grandson's first birthday party without saying a thing, as if I was going to go talk outside. It took my son a while to figure out I had left without saying good-bye. When he asked about it, I just said that I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I no longer have to JADE anything I do for self preservation to another - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
I can relate to your post as well. My AH doesn't tend to say things to directly humiliate me in public but I have a boundary with him that I will leave any situation where anyone's drinking is making me feel uncomfortable. I think you handled it well by leaving and ending the outing. I have communicated this boundary to my AH when he has not been drinking so he knows because this was a new behaviour for me. And I have only had to carry it out once. I had more of a problem with my AHs behaviour and comments in general when he got to a certain level of intoxication when in social situations. I realized that I had been jumping in to smooth over his ridiculous statements and make him look better for example "Oh you like that person you don't mean that do you hon" (I Know I'm rolling my eyes at myself). Practicing detachment in social situations works for me. I focus on enjoying myself with friends. They know exactly who he is and they can address anything he says that offends them it doesn't have to reflect on me. And when I don't jump in anymore they do (when it's important to do so). I've noticed since I stopped trying to mediate things between him and other people his behaviour has improved too. Probably because he doesn't have a negotiator/translator to facilitate his relationships with people. And deep down my AH wants people to like him. Now he just deals with the consequences of his own actions. When I am out with a friend and her AH does something embarrassing even says something to her that is rude I don't think badly of her.
I'm sorry you felt humiliated that is a terrible way to feel.
That is another sadness of this disease Chris and also an example of how one can deal with it. Separate cars was one solutions I heard in early recovery yet never had to use myself. The disease is often very humiliating and I for one am not very skilled at handling it other than not reacting to it. Detachment and letting others make up their own perceptions is my usual thought. Good for you on the cars and keep coming back cause this works when you work it. Are you attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups?
(((hugs)))
Our arguments usually begin when I want to talk about feelings, he then gets angry and becomes a victim and I am the bad guy, asking too much of him. Then, rather than talk to me about it, he decides to vent to others. Talk about feeling emotionally un-safe!! That is a horrible feeling. I think this is the # 1 issue in my decision to stay or go. I don't see how I can overlook that since I don't/can't trust that he won't continue to do this. We may make up, but the people he talks to have already made their judgement against me and he has forgot that he ever said anything. He's just venting in the moment. He has a very strong personality and is the type of person who people are intimidated by and want to be on his good side. Even though most of the people in question I don't really care about or know (his bar buddies/acquaintances) but others I do. This was starting to make me feel a little crazy. We live in a smallish community and when I walk down the street I never know who he talks to and doesn't. I hate to admit it but it makes me feel paranoid. That is a really horrible feeling!! From his perspective, it gives him power and he knows it and I suppose that is what he wants. Then he acts sweet and tells me he loves me. Those words have too much power over me. Detachment becomes more difficult and I start telling myself the same unhealthy things I did that put myself here in the first place - "It's not that bad", "If I am a better person (better at giving him what he wants) then he will appreciate that and things will be better", "It's better than being alone", "He really does love me". I need to remember that love is an action verb.
The bottom line is that even though things are getting better between us, I don't think I can ever forget that he did/does? that since I don't think he understands how deeply that has hurt me. I have told him that it has but then, is he capable of appreciating that? He might say he is but I don't believe it (but then there's that part of me that wants to believe that things could change. Really, really wants to believe that).
This has been helpful for me to write about this since I have been thinking about humiliation a lot lately. When is enough enough? I know why I have such a high threshold for being mis-treated but what I don't know is when I'll have the courage to stop it. I have been biding my time, going to meetings, therapy and trying to let things happen organically but then he got an email from his brother this weekend asking if he, his wife and daughter could stay with us the end of March when they're visiting. I had no choice but to tell my AH that I don't know if I will still be here in March. I did not want to commit to that when I have no idea what lies ahead. This came as a surprise to him, even though it really shouldn't have. Now I feel like I have to make a decision one way or another soon.
Glad I have therapy tonight....the old tapes and the new tapes are playing at the same time and I'm confused!!