When I was growing up, I was the black sheep and my brother was the Golden Child. He was a star in our town. I was basically nothing. I recently went to a funeral in our town and nobody knew me. The people at funeral asked about him and even called me his sister, I have no name. After I left home, I got some really really good help and I stopped playing that role. I did it for myself and my own children. We don't play rigid roles at my house. I told that to my mom when she lived with our family. She tried to make my kids play the roles, and they refused.
A few months before his terminal diagnosis with cirrhosis, he begged and begged me to go back to playing that Scapegoat. I told him, I am not playing that role so you can be the Golden one anymore. There's another way. We can both stop playing the role. He didn't want to, he wanted to be that object of praise again. Once again, I feel bad because I received the gift of recovery and he didn't. He was offered the gift several times by his work, before he lost his job. He was offered the gift by his doctor, but he did not take the gift.
I feel bad, but I could not play that role anymore. That role stole my young life, and I vowed we would not play those roles anymore. My kids were counting on me. I had other people to consider. I still feel terrible guilt because I got all the gifts and he got nothing. One thing I remember, he never felt bad when I had to play that scapegoat role. I guess it was expected of me. Well no more... no more.
Taraxacum said
Nov 6, 2016
Thank you for your share. I have also had a hard time with my family of origin. As I work to change my behaviors and boundaries, it upsets the (dysfunctional) family dynamic and has made people upset with me.
What i'm learning is I am also no longer willing to play those old roles or follow old scripts. Any anger my family may direct at me, is misplaced fear, denial, etc. Having program friends to talk things through and have some loving, sane, perspective when issues arise helps me a lot.
Iamhere said
Nov 7, 2016
Thank you for your share. I too was the black sheep and had 3 brothers who were golden. Looking back, I see truth in the statement that any attention, even negative attention is better than no attention. My father coached all my brothers and did many activities with them. My mother was not sports minded, so put me in dance. I began my rebel approach at the age of 4 - putting me in a tu-tu? No freaking way!!!
I continued until I stopped. My rebellion stage lasted a long, long while. I was tugged to so many sporting events, that I was much more comfortable at a ball field than at home. I have no doubt that I would not be alive if I had not found recovery through the other side of this program in my 20s. I was bound and determined to wear my black sheep costume to death, and proudly so.
For me, recovery gave me the steps to work through my issues with FOO (Family of Origin). I did also do some counseling many years ago. Every self-growth program or person I've engaged with has suggested that we have to work through our past to grow and be free. I have found this true. If recovery is not bringing you peace of mind/heart, there is no shame in seeking outside professional assistance. I believe today that my HP, God, does not want me bitter, unhappy, regretful or full of shame/remorse for any phase/stage of my life. He wants me happy, joyous and free. He wants me to know I am imperfect, but made by his design.
(((Hugs))) - my personal experience is that all my black sheep experiences made me one heckova strong woman once I found a purpose for all that had transpired!
hotrod said
Nov 7, 2016
IAH, Would love to have seen you in that Tutu as a child I too hated tutus and hair bow even at age 3. I guess we did march to our own drum early on .
I am grateful to program for providing me with principles that I can live by and accept without abandoning my inner self. I agree our experiences can make us stronger and wiser.
el-cee said
Nov 7, 2016
What great awareness and I can relate. Coming into recovery has made me reflect on the role I played within my family. I was the people pleaser, the chatty one putting on a show to entertain my family. I learned in recovery that this was harming me and others and it was pretence, so I too have stopped and I feel it has brought a rift between me and my sister.
She has no recovery and wont budge from her role and its difficult to not play out my old role and have any kind of relationship with her. Shes a taker ie doesn't talk much, doesn't share much of her life with me so to have any kind of relationship I ve got to go in full energy, talkative, giving up of all me and its not returned.
Ive decided to take a back seat from that relationship because Im intolerant of her attitude and I become a bit critical and cant keep my big mouth shut and challenge her, then Im left feeling crap because I come across as self righteous and arrogant. This is a relationship that really tests my progress and sometimes when im with her there is zero progress and I go backwards.
Im leaving it for now. I cant bring myself to go dancing to her tune so there is nothing right now, and its sad. Im hoping my own progress will allow us to have a relationship at some point but Im just allowing myself the time and im doing nothing.
Thanks for the share, I do understand and I think your progress is impressive.
Lucy125 said
Nov 7, 2016
BAHHAHHAH Funny my family was a "sports" family. I didn't mind sports, but it just wasn't my thing. My mom tried to force me to play tennis because her sisters kids were tennis stars. I stunk at Tennis and refused to play. The family tried to force me to play golf and softball, which I hated. I liked biking, but they thought it was weird. I caught so much crap for refusing. Every time I saw the extended family they belittled me for not playing sports. I was dragged to every sporting event that my AB was in.
Unfortunately, this aunt gave us vermouth when we were little. My brother drank the stuff, I poured it in the potted plant. I was subjected to humiliation for refusing to be compliant. I thought stubborn was part of my name.
My dad got me music lessons, something everyone loathed there after. My brother was, of course, better at music, but didn't want to play. They belittled him a little for quitting. I, on the other hand, loved music. I wasn't that great, but I loved it. That's when I started having panic attacks. I won a scholarship to play in a camp. I was afraid, the family would suck all the fun out of it for me and try to make me the source of family "pride". So I was caught in a bind, give up what I loved, or risk having them ride my butt to be perfect about it. That's what started my depression. I was suicidal at times. I finally got some decent help, it took a long time for me to get better. Unfortunately, I quit playing.
Although, about 5 years ago, I started playing again. I have several musical instruments in my house which I play. My son and I play together. My kids also played sports. They weren't great, I didn't expect them to be, they had a lot of fun. Sometimes I wonder if I made them be under achievers for fear they would be compelled to be the source of family "pride". I feel bad and wish my brother could have gotten better too.
When I was growing up, I was the black sheep and my brother was the Golden Child. He was a star in our town. I was basically nothing. I recently went to a funeral in our town and nobody knew me. The people at funeral asked about him and even called me his sister, I have no name. After I left home, I got some really really good help and I stopped playing that role. I did it for myself and my own children. We don't play rigid roles at my house. I told that to my mom when she lived with our family. She tried to make my kids play the roles, and they refused.
A few months before his terminal diagnosis with cirrhosis, he begged and begged me to go back to playing that Scapegoat. I told him, I am not playing that role so you can be the Golden one anymore. There's another way. We can both stop playing the role. He didn't want to, he wanted to be that object of praise again. Once again, I feel bad because I received the gift of recovery and he didn't. He was offered the gift several times by his work, before he lost his job. He was offered the gift by his doctor, but he did not take the gift.
I feel bad, but I could not play that role anymore. That role stole my young life, and I vowed we would not play those roles anymore. My kids were counting on me. I had other people to consider. I still feel terrible guilt because I got all the gifts and he got nothing. One thing I remember, he never felt bad when I had to play that scapegoat role. I guess it was expected of me. Well no more... no more.
I continued until I stopped. My rebellion stage lasted a long, long while. I was tugged to so many sporting events, that I was much more comfortable at a ball field than at home. I have no doubt that I would not be alive if I had not found recovery through the other side of this program in my 20s. I was bound and determined to wear my black sheep costume to death, and proudly so.
For me, recovery gave me the steps to work through my issues with FOO (Family of Origin). I did also do some counseling many years ago. Every self-growth program or person I've engaged with has suggested that we have to work through our past to grow and be free. I have found this true. If recovery is not bringing you peace of mind/heart, there is no shame in seeking outside professional assistance. I believe today that my HP, God, does not want me bitter, unhappy, regretful or full of shame/remorse for any phase/stage of my life. He wants me happy, joyous and free. He wants me to know I am imperfect, but made by his design.
(((Hugs))) - my personal experience is that all my black sheep experiences made me one heckova strong woman once I found a purpose for all that had transpired!
IAH, Would love to have seen you in that Tutu as a child
I too hated tutus and hair bow even at age 3. I guess we did march to our own drum early on .
I am grateful to program for providing me with principles that I can live by and accept without abandoning my inner self. I agree our experiences can make us stronger and wiser.
She has no recovery and wont budge from her role and its difficult to not play out my old role and have any kind of relationship with her. Shes a taker ie doesn't talk much, doesn't share much of her life with me so to have any kind of relationship I ve got to go in full energy, talkative, giving up of all me and its not returned.
Ive decided to take a back seat from that relationship because Im intolerant of her attitude and I become a bit critical and cant keep my big mouth shut and challenge her, then Im left feeling crap because I come across as self righteous and arrogant. This is a relationship that really tests my progress and sometimes when im with her there is zero progress and I go backwards.
Im leaving it for now. I cant bring myself to go dancing to her tune so there is nothing right now, and its sad. Im hoping my own progress will allow us to have a relationship at some point but Im just allowing myself the time and im doing nothing.
Thanks for the share, I do understand and I think your progress is impressive.
BAHHAHHAH Funny my family was a "sports" family. I didn't mind sports, but it just wasn't my thing. My mom tried to force me to play tennis because her sisters kids were tennis stars. I stunk at Tennis and refused to play. The family tried to force me to play golf and softball, which I hated. I liked biking, but they thought it was weird. I caught so much crap for refusing. Every time I saw the extended family they belittled me for not playing sports. I was dragged to every sporting event that my AB was in.
Unfortunately, this aunt gave us vermouth when we were little. My brother drank the stuff, I poured it in the potted plant. I was subjected to humiliation for refusing to be compliant. I thought stubborn was part of my name.
My dad got me music lessons, something everyone loathed there after. My brother was, of course, better at music, but didn't want to play. They belittled him a little for quitting. I, on the other hand, loved music. I wasn't that great, but I loved it. That's when I started having panic attacks. I won a scholarship to play in a camp. I was afraid, the family would suck all the fun out of it for me and try to make me the source of family "pride". So I was caught in a bind, give up what I loved, or risk having them ride my butt to be perfect about it. That's what started my depression. I was suicidal at times. I finally got some decent help, it took a long time for me to get better. Unfortunately, I quit playing.
Although, about 5 years ago, I started playing again. I have several musical instruments in my house which I play. My son and I play together. My kids also played sports. They weren't great, I didn't expect them to be, they had a lot of fun. Sometimes I wonder if I made them be under achievers for fear they would be compelled to be the source of family "pride". I feel bad and wish my brother could have gotten better too.