I am struggling about where to draw a boundary. My brother's family 3 kids and ex wife expect me to come and help my brother who is dying from alcoholism. BUTTT they were never there for me, my mom, dad or uncles. I took care of my dad, mom and I helped my uncles and aunts before they passed away. I visited my aunt every week in nursing home. I called her several times a week. My brother saw her once in 4 years. He cancelled when he promised to come to my kids birthday parties. He also kept my parents waiting for hours when he was late for dinners.
My brother saw my dad 2 times in the hospice when he was passing away from old age. I saw him every day and stayed for hours. I took care of my mom in my home for 4 years. My brother hasn't seen my mom in 2 years. I moved my mom 3 times to different places and I take her out every day for a walk.
If my husband or children were sick. Those three kids and ex wife would not help us at all. If I were sick they would not help us at all. I paid for their dinners when they came to see my mom and I invited them over and over, but they never invited me.
If these people were not family, nobody would take this kind of treatment. Now they are asking what kind of money my mom has. Right after my dad died, they wanted 1/2 the money. Like what was my mom supposed to live on?
I need Al Anon to show me how to stop these people from abusing me. So far I told them not to call me or speak to me. I am getting updates from a friend on my brother. I saw him once and I got him a priest when he ask for one.
Iamhere said
Nov 5, 2016
(((Anne))) - I am so sorry for all your pain and anxiety. That's what I 'hear' when I read your post so if I am not hearing right - take what you like and leave the rest.
When I arrived at Al-Anon, and heard the three C(s), it gave me the ability to breathe deep for the first time in a long time. As I kept going back, I heard things like One Day at a Time, Don't Dwell on the Past, Don't Fret about the Future, etc. It was very foreign to me as my mind was always either keeping score or projecting - rarely positive.
Gratitude lists and asset lists helped me realize that when I stay focused on the here and now, life was OK. It's when I looked at the past or assumed the future, my emotional state went wacko.
The affects of alcoholism are never an overnight scenario, nor is there easy/fast/consistent answers for any of us. We encourage all members to go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps so each member can find the answers/solutions that work for them.
We have a saying that helps ground me when I am not certain how to be of service - To Thine Own Self Be True. You get to decide what is next. Only you can determine that. I believe in the program and have seen it work miracles in many, many lives. Trust the program and the process.
We're here as best we can be - keep coming back.
Lucy125 said
Nov 5, 2016
yes thanks I need to hear take what is helpful and leave the rest. I am reading about enabling and trying to figure out how far to go.
2HP said
Nov 6, 2016
Hi Lucy, Al-anon offers us the twelve steps to use which guide me and my actions so that I don't have to keep living in turmoil.
In my family, we are dealing with our aging parents who need our help. I feel similar to you, I'm the reliable one while my other siblings have not stepped up as I have, yet they have the legal duties. I found myself feeling bitter like you. The steps have helped me to see I was COMPARING myself to them and judging their lack of effort. I'm powerless though, to do anything to change them.
I've decided that my goal is to be the person my Higher Power wants me to be, that's what will bring me peace and happiness. I want to GIVE because it makes ME feel good not to close off my heart. when I focus on what I'm receiving, it takes away the joy of giving. When my parents pass, I want to feel good about our time together and have no regrets about how I treated them. I want to be thoughtful and kind because it makes me feel Good.
my family is NEVER going to be the One to heal my woundedness, they are not that powerful. my life is not between me or anyone else, it is ONLY between me and the Higher Power. (((peace)))
FooledMeTwice said
Nov 6, 2016
Hi Lucy ~ I think you just need to do what you feel is right in your heart to do in regards to helping or not helping with your brother. In my opinion it really doesn't matter what others did or didn't do for past situations that you were dealing with. They will have to deal with their actions or lack thereof when they meet their HP. Al-Anon is about focusing on ourselves and doing what makes us feel good. If you don't feel good about helping out your brother than don't - if your heart is telling you to help him out than do.
Iamhere said
Nov 6, 2016
Welcome to MIP FooledMeTwice - love the fur-baby in your avatar! Glad you found us and joined right in!!
Keep coming back!
Lucy125 said
Nov 6, 2016
Taking care of my parents was a great blessing. It's good you are doing that. I figured out that one person is always going to be the one to do the most. That was never the problem.
When you have people actively trying to drag you down, that's the exhausting part. Caring for all this alone is too hard when others are not only not helping, they are actively causing problems. My children had to give up a lot because I could not do for them as I wanted. They couldn't be in sports. We could only do Karate or music lessons. I just couldn't bring them to all the games.
I decided today, I have no energy left. I have been doing this care giver thing for 10 years. I couldn't help my alcoholic brother, because there's is nothing left to give. Let everyone criticize and call me the bad guy. I don't care. My mother had mules, and donkeys when she was a girl. She told me, the mule will work itself to death, but the donkey won't. The donkey will just sit down when it has had enough. She seemed to think the mule was the better animal. I think the donkey is the better animal. The donkey is smart enough to take a rest and live to work another day.
There's a scene in the Godfather. Little Vito Corleone's family all dies, but he escapes on the back of a donkey hidden in a basket and is put on a ship to America. When he's on Ellis island, he is put in a quarantine cell alone. He's singing a song about the donkey in the cell. Now I understand that scene. He could have been like the mule and tried to save his family and died himself, but he chose the donkey and escaped to live another day.
2HP said
Nov 6, 2016
Your post about donkeys and mules is so perfect, thank you. I am reminded of the Martyr syndrome. The belief that life must be hard. you gotta work until youre suffering and if you're NOT suffering, you're not a quality human being.
I come from a family of martyrs, so it was my conditioning. I too had fallen into this trap, believing that my very worth was based on how much I could accomplish in a single day. I see it in my children too (family disease.)
I was in recovery when I began to notice how every time I'd speak with a family member, I would go into negativity, telling them how "bad" everything was, how "hard" it was... like looking for validation from them..... love me now?? I saw myself do this time and time again. How awful to recognize I had become my mother, ugh.
The goal of recovery is to stop my own pain. I had simply adopted a family belief and now that I see it, I can change. Like you, GUILT still comes in when I try to take care of myself because it's a family expectation...... who do I think I am trying to have more peace and joy while theyre still suffering?!
so I've experienced a distancing from them for having a boundary for myself.... just for today. I cant do it any other way, though, I wont like myself very much if I do.
I'm convinced this is why God gave me a fellowship, so I don't have to do it alone (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 6th of November 2016 05:40:00 PM
I am struggling about where to draw a boundary. My brother's family 3 kids and ex wife expect me to come and help my brother who is dying from alcoholism. BUTTT they were never there for me, my mom, dad or uncles. I took care of my dad, mom and I helped my uncles and aunts before they passed away. I visited my aunt every week in nursing home. I called her several times a week. My brother saw her once in 4 years. He cancelled when he promised to come to my kids birthday parties. He also kept my parents waiting for hours when he was late for dinners.
My brother saw my dad 2 times in the hospice when he was passing away from old age. I saw him every day and stayed for hours. I took care of my mom in my home for 4 years. My brother hasn't seen my mom in 2 years. I moved my mom 3 times to different places and I take her out every day for a walk.
If my husband or children were sick. Those three kids and ex wife would not help us at all. If I were sick they would not help us at all. I paid for their dinners when they came to see my mom and I invited them over and over, but they never invited me.
If these people were not family, nobody would take this kind of treatment. Now they are asking what kind of money my mom has. Right after my dad died, they wanted 1/2 the money. Like what was my mom supposed to live on?
I need Al Anon to show me how to stop these people from abusing me. So far I told them not to call me or speak to me. I am getting updates from a friend on my brother. I saw him once and I got him a priest when he ask for one.
When I arrived at Al-Anon, and heard the three C(s), it gave me the ability to breathe deep for the first time in a long time. As I kept going back, I heard things like One Day at a Time, Don't Dwell on the Past, Don't Fret about the Future, etc. It was very foreign to me as my mind was always either keeping score or projecting - rarely positive.
Gratitude lists and asset lists helped me realize that when I stay focused on the here and now, life was OK. It's when I looked at the past or assumed the future, my emotional state went wacko.
The affects of alcoholism are never an overnight scenario, nor is there easy/fast/consistent answers for any of us. We encourage all members to go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps so each member can find the answers/solutions that work for them.
We have a saying that helps ground me when I am not certain how to be of service - To Thine Own Self Be True. You get to decide what is next. Only you can determine that. I believe in the program and have seen it work miracles in many, many lives. Trust the program and the process.
We're here as best we can be - keep coming back.
yes thanks I need to hear take what is helpful and leave the rest. I am reading about enabling and trying to figure out how far to go.
In my family, we are dealing with our aging parents who need our help. I feel similar to you, I'm the reliable one while my other siblings have not stepped up as I have, yet they have the legal duties. I found myself feeling bitter like you. The steps have helped me to see I was COMPARING myself to them and judging their lack of effort. I'm powerless though, to do anything to change them.
I've decided that my goal is to be the person my Higher Power wants me to be, that's what will bring me peace and happiness. I want to GIVE because it makes ME feel good not to close off my heart. when I focus on what I'm receiving, it takes away the joy of giving. When my parents pass, I want to feel good about our time together and have no regrets about how I treated them. I want to be thoughtful and kind because it makes me feel Good.
my family is NEVER going to be the One to heal my woundedness, they are not that powerful. my life is not between me or anyone else, it is ONLY between me and the Higher Power. (((peace)))
Keep coming back!
Taking care of my parents was a great blessing. It's good you are doing that. I figured out that one person is always going to be the one to do the most. That was never the problem.
When you have people actively trying to drag you down, that's the exhausting part. Caring for all this alone is too hard when others are not only not helping, they are actively causing problems. My children had to give up a lot because I could not do for them as I wanted. They couldn't be in sports. We could only do Karate or music lessons. I just couldn't bring them to all the games.
I decided today, I have no energy left. I have been doing this care giver thing for 10 years. I couldn't help my alcoholic brother, because there's is nothing left to give. Let everyone criticize and call me the bad guy. I don't care. My mother had mules, and donkeys when she was a girl. She told me, the mule will work itself to death, but the donkey won't. The donkey will just sit down when it has had enough. She seemed to think the mule was the better animal. I think the donkey is the better animal. The donkey is smart enough to take a rest and live to work another day.
There's a scene in the Godfather. Little Vito Corleone's family all dies, but he escapes on the back of a donkey hidden in a basket and is put on a ship to America. When he's on Ellis island, he is put in a quarantine cell alone. He's singing a song about the donkey in the cell. Now I understand that scene. He could have been like the mule and tried to save his family and died himself, but he chose the donkey and escaped to live another day.
Your post about donkeys and mules is so perfect, thank you. I am reminded of the Martyr syndrome. The belief that life must be hard. you gotta work until youre suffering and if you're NOT suffering, you're not a quality human being.
I come from a family of martyrs, so it was my conditioning. I too had fallen into this trap, believing that my very worth was based on how much I could accomplish in a single day. I see it in my children too (family disease.)
I was in recovery when I began to notice how every time I'd speak with a family member, I would go into negativity, telling them how "bad" everything was, how "hard" it was... like looking for validation from them..... love me now?? I saw myself do this time and time again. How awful to recognize I had become my mother, ugh.
The goal of recovery is to stop my own pain. I had simply adopted a family belief and now that I see it, I can change. Like you, GUILT still comes in when I try to take care of myself because it's a family expectation...... who do I think I am trying to have more peace and joy while theyre still suffering?!
so I've experienced a distancing from them for having a boundary for myself.... just for today. I cant do it any other way, though, I wont like myself very much if I do.
I'm convinced this is why God gave me a fellowship, so I don't have to do it alone (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 6th of November 2016 05:40:00 PM