Do you consider it enabling if my husband uses any money that isn't for basic necessities to pay off drug debts? He has racked up huge credit card debts (in his name, thank God) and doesn't spend any money on anything but the bare minimum for our family, in my opinion. I do get to keep the baby bonus (I am a stay at home Mom) but that needs to cover all clothing, gifts, entertainment, bus fare, home furnishings, vacations (ya right), etc. for myself and my daughter. I don't think it's right that he keep relapsing and using the family income to pay for his mistakes. He calls it making financial amends to the credit card companies. I started going to meetings on a more regular basis, have done a set of Alanon steps and understand the disease of alcoholism, but I am starting to wonder if this is a form of enabling if he continues to do this? I told him that I think it's only fair that he spend as much on our family as he does on paying off his credit cards. He continues to use the money for this despite my request. I'm also noticing that this situation shows some of the warning signs or hallmarks of financial abuse. Any thoughts?
hotrod said
Nov 5, 2016
Hi I do understand the problem as my hubby did likewise. Being powerless over people ,places and things as the first Step suggests then speaking your mind about the expenditures is a great step however the inability to force solutions then leaves the issue unresolved. Glad you are attending meetings. Please keep coming back
Iamhere said
Nov 5, 2016
I'm with Betty on this - speaking my truth/needs calmly has been a gift of recovery. I was not good at it in the beginning so my sponsor was very helpful on how to improve my communication skills to say what I need in a reasonable/calm way. We always have the right to share our truth - I had issues leaving the outcome to God (Higher Power). (((Hugs))) - I will say to avoid drama/chaos, It often took me a while to collect my thoughts and speak with grace and kindness.
Rinn said
Nov 7, 2016
When I read this I see a few different concerns you are voicing
It seems you have differing views on where your income should be spent
It also seems you have different ideas on the priority of the debt. (he sees it as making amends, you see it as more money toward the addiction)
I like the input the other members gave about patience and speaking form a place of kindness. Perhaps there is a way you two could sit down and explain your feelings in a kind way and sort through these issues. Maybe having a third party help you sort through the issue like a counselor, pastor, or close friend. I think so often we deal with the crisis of addiction we forget how hard all the pieces left in the wake are. Trying to focus on the principles of alanon, and trying to speak about your needs and wants in a kind way are very important. I know it is hard too. I remember trying to make myself not over react ALL the time. Even dealing with simple things made my words want to comeout like shrapnel at times for all the pain I went through. Just try to find ways to talk it out. maybe you can find some common ground and understanding. it sounds like you have a lot of your plate financially.
Do you consider it enabling if my husband uses any money that isn't for basic necessities to pay off drug debts? He has racked up huge credit card debts (in his name, thank God) and doesn't spend any money on anything but the bare minimum for our family, in my opinion. I do get to keep the baby bonus (I am a stay at home Mom) but that needs to cover all clothing, gifts, entertainment, bus fare, home furnishings, vacations (ya right), etc. for myself and my daughter. I don't think it's right that he keep relapsing and using the family income to pay for his mistakes. He calls it making financial amends to the credit card companies. I started going to meetings on a more regular basis, have done a set of Alanon steps and understand the disease of alcoholism, but I am starting to wonder if this is a form of enabling if he continues to do this? I told him that I think it's only fair that he spend as much on our family as he does on paying off his credit cards. He continues to use the money for this despite my request. I'm also noticing that this situation shows some of the warning signs or hallmarks of financial abuse. Any thoughts?
When I read this I see a few different concerns you are voicing
It seems you have differing views on where your income should be spent
It also seems you have different ideas on the priority of the debt. (he sees it as making amends, you see it as more money toward the addiction)
I like the input the other members gave about patience and speaking form a place of kindness. Perhaps there is a way you two could sit down and explain your feelings in a kind way and sort through these issues. Maybe having a third party help you sort through the issue like a counselor, pastor, or close friend. I think so often we deal with the crisis of addiction we forget how hard all the pieces left in the wake are. Trying to focus on the principles of alanon, and trying to speak about your needs and wants in a kind way are very important. I know it is hard too. I remember trying to make myself not over react ALL the time. Even dealing with simple things made my words want to comeout like shrapnel at times for all the pain I went through. Just try to find ways to talk it out. maybe you can find some common ground and understanding. it sounds like you have a lot of your plate financially.