my boyfriend is two weeks out of rehab, he came home just now and told me he had two drinks at the bar..I suspect it's more. He kept saying I'm sorry ur disappointed, but I'm just not going to be one of those guys who never drinks again. I said I'm disappointed for u, not me. He seemed like he wanted to pick a fight, somehow turn it on me, like his old behaviors..I didn't get into it, but I'm so scared and I want to do the right thing for me..and him too. So what is that? How do I handle this, right now, what do I say, do, not say, not do? Please help..
Jerry F said
Nov 4, 2016
My suggestion Is generic for me and what I practice...find a home group Al-Anon meeting and sponsor and literature a part of your life as a great offset to the affects of the alcoholic and or addict. Other wise I would just be at the bottom of the well all the time. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Junenine said
Nov 4, 2016
so very sorry that he and you are going through this. i don't know. i guess i would say, i will work my program and handle my life, and it's your job to handle yours. he is making his decisions, after all. all you can do is make your own. what do YOU need? (((desperateinnyc)))
Junenine said
Nov 4, 2016
i would also get to some meetings and get a phone list... and talk to anyone who shares who i can relate to. people have been in your position and there's a lot of experience and wisdom - and compassion - in those rooms.
Desperateinnyc said
Nov 4, 2016
Thank you, I do get what you're saying..I can only be ok for me, not us. And maybe he slipped up tonight, but progress and not perfection is the goal. I initially felt panicked and incredibly sad and scared..but I cannot control this..and he didn't drink because of me. Funny how he tried so hard to flip it on me when he came home..not in a mean way..just a deflective way..even that is progress. But I didn't play into it and I'm very aware of how my own thinking is changing. I saw he was really disappointed in himself, I feel bad for that, but he made that decision..not me. Anyway, thanks so much!
Iamhere said
Nov 4, 2016
Sorry that the disease is interfering....it does tend to do that. Each and every time I've been faced with any crisis around this disease, the only way I have found relief is stepping up my program. The old behaviors of worry, fear, anxious, etc. want to raise up as my disease and I have to consciously do things a different way if I want a different outcome.
Putting me first was not my first thought in early recovery. I love that you see it was not about you and that you can't control what he does. Do you and focus on the program and trust your HP to guide you....this has been the only thing that has consistently worked for me.
(((Hugs)))
Desperateinnyc said
Nov 4, 2016
Thanks, iamhere..I know I said it is not about me, but the old tendencies of inadequacies creep in, as much as I know what complete bs they r, they still linger. Thanks for your response.
-- Edited by Desperateinnyc on Friday 4th of November 2016 11:33:20 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 5th of November 2016 06:52:45 AM
Iamhere said
Nov 5, 2016
I hear you and understand. (((Hugs))) Sending continued positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Fooled said
Nov 5, 2016
I recently had someone tell me, every woman wants to be enough, when it comes to addiction, no woman be it wife, gf, mother is ever enough. Kind of stopped those feelings of inadequacies.
Desperateinnyc said
Nov 6, 2016
No..we are not enough..but no one and nothing is enough for the addict. Not even his own kids. Here's my question tho..once, before he was in the midst of this disease, I did feel I was enough. And I guess it mattered too much to me. But it felt good. As he gets healthier, will I become more important, so to speak, to him..or am I still focusing on the wrong thing? Just curious about others experience with this..thanks!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 6, 2016
My honest opinion is if I'm basing my self worth on my relationships with others I terms of I feel good about myself when my partner feels good ... I feel bad about myself when my partner feels bad .. My focus is not healthy.
hotrod said
Nov 6, 2016
To answer your question, I would suggest that you prepare an asset and gratitude list to reinforce the simple fact that you are complete and enough.
I agree Serenity WE ARE ENOUGH!!The reading in the Courage to Change today explains how living with this disease distorts our reality I also posted a summary of the reading here: http://alanon.activeboard.com/t62859340/c2c-reading-11-6/
pinkchip said
Nov 6, 2016
Just from knowing about alcoholism...Whay he is telling you is he needs far more consequences to be completely abstinent and work a program. The disease needs to get worse and it will. I also said I would never be one of those guys to never drink again...all the way up til I wished I was dead and smashed my car driving drunk. That is also a rather high bottom compared to most my peers in AA. So...knowing that, I would say grab on to your alanon seat and stick around cuz this disease is a beast and i guarantee it has and will continue to mess you up too. We alanoners dont react to alcoholism the same way most folks would. We tend to think "How do I respond to change or help this helpless, destructive, selfish, addicted person?" Most others would be like "Um...WTF...just out of rehab and drinking already! What a loser. BYE!!" Not saying we are bad for caring so much or loving diseased people...but it is a disease of its own where you lose your own internal caretaking voice and it becomes other-focused. Alanon will help you learn to put you first again while still being the caring person you already are.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 6th of November 2016 08:20:18 AM
Fooled said
Nov 6, 2016
Desperateinnyc wrote:
No..we are not enough..but no one and nothing is enough for the addict. Not even his own kids. Here's my question tho..once, before he was in the midst of this disease, I did feel I was enough. And I guess it mattered too much to me. But it felt good. As he gets healthier, will I become more important, so to speak, to him..or am I still focusing on the wrong thing? Just curious about others experience with this..thanks!
As the disease gets worse and the A gets sicker with each relapse, so do we. At one time I thought I was enough but soon the disease took away my self esteem as well. As I became angry and resentful, I didn't like myself, and therefore I wasn't enough. I am sure you are important to him, as is kids, but this disease has convinced him that he needs it more. This is my A's 5 attempt at sobriety in the last 3 years. He has been sober 40 days, he just admitted to me the other day, the consequence of losing me has kept him going. Its not that I am enough, the consequence was enough. Through my HP, Alanon, and Family programs I learned I was enough for ME. Despite what he does, I am enough for me.
Rinn said
Nov 7, 2016
I think what you need to do is several things. 1. like a few other people mentioned find a home group and some supportive alanon people to help you. 2. keep coming back here, keep sharing and working your steps. and 3. decide on some boundaries as you go through your program about what YOU need. It doesn't have to to be, "i will kick him out if.." kind of boundaries. But do think about what you can control about you, and what you want to be around.
my boyfriend is two weeks out of rehab, he came home just now and told me he had two drinks at the bar..I suspect it's more. He kept saying I'm sorry ur disappointed, but I'm just not going to be one of those guys who never drinks again. I said I'm disappointed for u, not me. He seemed like he wanted to pick a fight, somehow turn it on me, like his old behaviors..I didn't get into it, but I'm so scared and I want to do the right thing for me..and him too. So what is that? How do I handle this, right now, what do I say, do, not say, not do? Please help..
My suggestion Is generic for me and what I practice...find a home group Al-Anon meeting and sponsor and literature a part of your life as a great offset to the affects of the alcoholic and or addict. Other wise I would just be at the bottom of the well all the time. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
so very sorry that he and you are going through this. i don't know. i guess i would say, i will work my program and handle my life, and it's your job to handle yours. he is making his decisions, after all. all you can do is make your own. what do YOU need? (((desperateinnyc)))
i would also get to some meetings and get a phone list... and talk to anyone who shares who i can relate to. people have been in your position and there's a lot of experience and wisdom - and compassion - in those rooms.
Putting me first was not my first thought in early recovery. I love that you see it was not about you and that you can't control what he does. Do you and focus on the program and trust your HP to guide you....this has been the only thing that has consistently worked for me.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks, iamhere..I know I said it is not about me, but the old tendencies of inadequacies creep in, as much as I know what complete bs they r, they still linger. Thanks for your response.
-- Edited by Desperateinnyc on Friday 4th of November 2016 11:33:20 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 5th of November 2016 06:52:45 AM
To answer your question, I would suggest that you prepare an asset and gratitude list to reinforce the simple fact that you are complete and enough.
I agree Serenity WE ARE ENOUGH!!The reading in the Courage to Change today explains how living with this disease distorts our reality I also posted a summary of the reading here: http://alanon.activeboard.com/t62859340/c2c-reading-11-6/
Just from knowing about alcoholism...Whay he is telling you is he needs far more consequences to be completely abstinent and work a program. The disease needs to get worse and it will. I also said I would never be one of those guys to never drink again...all the way up til I wished I was dead and smashed my car driving drunk. That is also a rather high bottom compared to most my peers in AA. So...knowing that, I would say grab on to your alanon seat and stick around cuz this disease is a beast and i guarantee it has and will continue to mess you up too. We alanoners dont react to alcoholism the same way most folks would. We tend to think "How do I respond to change or help this helpless, destructive, selfish, addicted person?" Most others would be like "Um...WTF...just out of rehab and drinking already! What a loser. BYE!!" Not saying we are bad for caring so much or loving diseased people...but it is a disease of its own where you lose your own internal caretaking voice and it becomes other-focused. Alanon will help you learn to put you first again while still being the caring person you already are.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 6th of November 2016 08:20:18 AM
As the disease gets worse and the A gets sicker with each relapse, so do we. At one time I thought I was enough but soon the disease took away my self esteem as well. As I became angry and resentful, I didn't like myself, and therefore I wasn't enough. I am sure you are important to him, as is kids, but this disease has convinced him that he needs it more. This is my A's 5 attempt at sobriety in the last 3 years. He has been sober 40 days, he just admitted to me the other day, the consequence of losing me has kept him going. Its not that I am enough, the consequence was enough. Through my HP, Alanon, and Family programs I learned I was enough for ME. Despite what he does, I am enough for me.
I think what you need to do is several things. 1. like a few other people mentioned find a home group and some supportive alanon people to help you. 2. keep coming back here, keep sharing and working your steps. and 3. decide on some boundaries as you go through your program about what YOU need. It doesn't have to to be, "i will kick him out if.." kind of boundaries. But do think about what you can control about you, and what you want to be around.
I hope you keep comming back!
Rinn