Hi everyone. I'm engaged to an alcoholic who hasn't drank in the year and a half that I have known him. We have been in an argument for about a day or so and I found him tonight on our apartment rooftop lounge drinking and very upset. I finally got him to come back down to our apartment. I didn't know what to do so I let his mom know by texting her, and then he got upset with me for telling her he found out because she called him. He got upset and left. His mom talked to him and she told me he's ok. I don't know if I made a mistake in telling her, but I have ever been in this situation I don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. What do I do when he says he wants to have a drink with me?? I don't want to enable . I just want him to be ok.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
Welcome Lizzie, living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely confusing and there are no pat answers as to the right thing to do. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which were powerless.
AA is a recovery program for the person who drinks and Al-Anon has been set up as a recovery program to help family members recover from living in the insanity of the disease. You did nothing wrong in contacting your friends mom and as far as meeting him for drink,if he is an alcoholic, this might not be a wise choice. You It could suggest coffee instead.
Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. We cannot deal with this disease alone so I urge you to check out the meetings and attend.
Keep coming back as well. There is hope.
Mattie said
Nov 4, 2016
I'm sorry you're in this situation and glad you have found us. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting where you live.
Because you describe your fiancé as an alcoholic, I guess he had a drinking habit that he arrested by going into a formal recovery program? The question I would have, in your shoes, is whether he's going back into that program even harder now (good), or whether he's going to do one of two dangerous things: keep on drinking, or declare that "he can handle it" and he's "just going to stop on his own." People who are not alcoholics can just stop on their own; people who are alcoholics often say they can, but experience shows that they're fooling themselves.
Often when we're around alcoholics we try to "help" and manage them into sobriety. But the truth is that we can't have any effect on it - if we could, someone would have found a way by now. So you are perfectly safe in stepping back and just watching calmly to see what he decides. I know it can be anxiety-producing because the question is "Is he going to get back on the road to sobriety or is he going to endanger your future by continuing to drink?" Anyone would find that stressful. But those are vital questions you need to know, and so you want to watch carefully. Especially watch what he does rather than what he says.
Another thing you know now is that even after a year and a half of recovery (as I understand it), he can start drinking again. Of course that's worrisome. You would want to be very sure his recovery is going strong before making firm decisions about the future.
I hope you'll read through these boards, learn all you can about alcoholism, find a meeting, get the literature, and keep coming back. Hugs.
LizzieAmanda said
Nov 4, 2016
Thank you for your replies. I have found these forums very helpful and would like to attend a meeting.
He has been in a recovery program before, about five years ago. He broke his phone last night so I emailed him with a link to an AA meeting that is tonight, asking him if he wants to go together. I'm anxiously awaiting his reply to see what kind of choice he will make.
Again, thank you for your kind words and support. I'm glad I found this website.
Iamhere said
Nov 4, 2016
Hello Lizzie and welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. You are welcome to attend any Al-Anon meeting you desire whether he is or is not active in recovery. The only requirement for attending is feeling affected by the drinking of a family member or friend. Many of my Al-Anon friends do attend open AA meetings - it's helpful to understand more about the disease and how it affects/controls others.
Glad you are here - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Welcome Lizzie, living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely confusing and there are no pat answers as to the right thing to do. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which were powerless.
AA is a recovery program for the person who drinks and Al-Anon has been set up as a recovery program to help family members recover from living in the insanity of the disease. You did nothing wrong in contacting your friends mom and as far as meeting him for drink,if he is an alcoholic, this might not be a wise choice. You It could suggest coffee instead.
Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. We cannot deal with this disease alone so I urge you to check out the meetings and attend.
Keep coming back as well. There is hope.
I'm sorry you're in this situation and glad you have found us. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting where you live.
Because you describe your fiancé as an alcoholic, I guess he had a drinking habit that he arrested by going into a formal recovery program? The question I would have, in your shoes, is whether he's going back into that program even harder now (good), or whether he's going to do one of two dangerous things: keep on drinking, or declare that "he can handle it" and he's "just going to stop on his own." People who are not alcoholics can just stop on their own; people who are alcoholics often say they can, but experience shows that they're fooling themselves.
Often when we're around alcoholics we try to "help" and manage them into sobriety. But the truth is that we can't have any effect on it - if we could, someone would have found a way by now. So you are perfectly safe in stepping back and just watching calmly to see what he decides. I know it can be anxiety-producing because the question is "Is he going to get back on the road to sobriety or is he going to endanger your future by continuing to drink?" Anyone would find that stressful. But those are vital questions you need to know, and so you want to watch carefully. Especially watch what he does rather than what he says.
Another thing you know now is that even after a year and a half of recovery (as I understand it), he can start drinking again. Of course that's worrisome. You would want to be very sure his recovery is going strong before making firm decisions about the future.
I hope you'll read through these boards, learn all you can about alcoholism, find a meeting, get the literature, and keep coming back. Hugs.
He has been in a recovery program before, about five years ago. He broke his phone last night so I emailed him with a link to an AA meeting that is tonight, asking him if he wants to go together. I'm anxiously awaiting his reply to see what kind of choice he will make.
Again, thank you for your kind words and support. I'm glad I found this website.
Glad you are here - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
(((Hugs)))