I wrote a little earlier about my ex abf and it's still going on. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not...I try not to talk to him when he is drunk because he never remembers what he says and he says the most hurtful, scary things. I also try not to text him either when he is drinking, because the same thing he just texts things that don't make sense or that are hurtful. He is so upset with me because he got a really bad head injury and was in the hospital because of it and he almost died. After he had been home for about two weeks (two weeks of hell! I think the combo of the pain meds and head injury turned him into a crazy person...locking me out of the house, yelling, stealing pills in the middle of the night. etc) I couldn't take it anymore and was just deteriorating so I went to my best friends cabin for a day to regroup. Not even 24 hours I had been gone and he had found someone to give him keys to his truck, drove to the bar, then drove to the liquor store on his way home. I was so angry with him because I had to watch him in the hospital with a tube in his throat and a machine breathing for him and not knowing if he would wake up or not and it was all because of an alcohol related incident and then he goes and drinks again. I stayed at the cabin for another day because I didn't want to go home to him drunk. The next day when I was coming home he was drunk again. I stayed at my parents house that night, and the next day went to get some clothes (again he was at the bar all day) and he didn't even want to talk to me, so I got my things and left.
He now hangs it over my head that I left him when I did, but that wasn't my intent and he doesn't believe me. He keeps saying he needs me to just be there and he could do the work. Part of me wants to just try it for a few weeks and see if he actually does something to change, but the other part of me thinks what's the point? He keeps saying he needs me there, and we make plans to see each other and he ends up at the bar and then we don't see each other because I refuse to see him when he's been drinking. He's just too unpredictable.
I just feel so lost and don't know if what I'm doing is right or making it worse? I just wish there was some sort of book that told you what to do in these situations!
Mattie said
Nov 4, 2016
In my experience, you are entirely right that going back would just be signing up for more of the same. You're right that he's just too unpredictable, but in some ways his behavior is really predictable - he will get drunk and it will cause chaos.
Alcoholics want enablers because it makes their life and their drinking easier. Whenever we make a change - especially to protect ourselves from the chaos - they have a really strong "Change back!" reaction. Because they want their comfort and enabling. Naturally, they don't want to do the hard work themselves. So they accuse us of not caring (when really the problem is more likely to be that we care too much). They try to manipulate our emotions so we'll return to our old role as enablers. They try to blame their drinking on us. My alcoholic ex-H used to claim that he drank only because I was so paranoid about alcoholism. "If you weren't so sensitive about alcohol, it wouldn't drive me crazy and I wouldn't need to drink!" It's almost laughable, isn't it? If it weren't so tragic.
The thing is that if he's going to go into a recovery program and stop drinking (which is the only way to go for longterm sobriety), he can do that on his own. He doesn't need any other human to be there or to do anything for it to happen. And after he's been sober and stable for a good long time, at least one or two years, then you could go back to him if you wanted to. But go back to him now, when there's been zero action toward being in recovery? Why would he ever think this was an attractive prospect? He's really saying, "Help me pretend that my drinking is completely normal! Help me pretend there's no problem whatsoever!"
And the truth is, his drinking sounds very much as if it's at the dangerous point. To go back and pretend it's not a problem would even be helping him farther down the road of death-defying denial.
But often they try to get us into a position where we feel like we have to get their agreement to stay away. And then they can keep us enmeshed just by failing to agree with us. They want at least to keep us in the argument. But arguing with an active alcoholic is like arguing with an insane-asylum patient who thinks aliens are living in his ears. They simply can't be reasoned with. We don't need their permission to detach and live more sanely.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself!
vvv said
Nov 4, 2016
Thank you for replying Mattie. Everything you said it spot on. I actually went over there last night to meet with him and his mom and he was drunk and I knew that, but I wanted to talk to his mother and have her see (not that she doesn't know, but). It actually turned out a little crazy, he got in his truck and tried to leave...ran into the fence in the yard and then pulled back in. I left as this was happening and so did his mother. The three of us had talked about a program that night, well not really talk as much as suggest because every time you bring up a 30 day program he ignores or fights the idea. Later that night after I had left he kept texting saying that he would go into a program, but that I don't care blah blah...drunk talk. I texted him back after I hadn't heard from in a while and figured he had gone to bed/passed out, knowing that he would see the text in the morning and actually read it. I responded to him saying that I would help him and support him to find a program. He called me this morning and said nothing about it and said he needed to make some phone calls. I had looked at a few programs last night and saved their numbers...I texted him the numbers. He called me back and we for the first time talked about him going to a program and of course he suggested staying close to home and doing an outpatient program...I suggested I thought it would be better for him to start off with a 30 day program a little further away from home so he is not tempted/it's not as easy to leave, and then when he completes that program to directly go into an outpatient program locally. Surprisingly he agreed it would be best and smarter for him to get a good foundation at a 30 day program before he tried an outpatient program. I'm not getting my hopes up by any means that he will actually go, but just the mere fact that he listened and talked about going was something different than ever before.
I really like how you said going back is really saying "let's pretend there's not a problem," that's exactly how I feel. I feel as if I am giving up what I'm trying to do if I got back, and I really don't want to do that. He's pushed so many people away from him after his head injury because that was a HUGE changing point for me as well as others that there will be NO support of your drinking. I feel like he has two options at this point....treatment or death. The later is so scary to think about, but it is the reality. Fingers crossed that he was serious and will go.
I wrote a little earlier about my ex abf and it's still going on. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not...I try not to talk to him when he is drunk because he never remembers what he says and he says the most hurtful, scary things. I also try not to text him either when he is drinking, because the same thing he just texts things that don't make sense or that are hurtful. He is so upset with me because he got a really bad head injury and was in the hospital because of it and he almost died. After he had been home for about two weeks (two weeks of hell! I think the combo of the pain meds and head injury turned him into a crazy person...locking me out of the house, yelling, stealing pills in the middle of the night. etc) I couldn't take it anymore and was just deteriorating so I went to my best friends cabin for a day to regroup. Not even 24 hours I had been gone and he had found someone to give him keys to his truck, drove to the bar, then drove to the liquor store on his way home. I was so angry with him because I had to watch him in the hospital with a tube in his throat and a machine breathing for him and not knowing if he would wake up or not and it was all because of an alcohol related incident and then he goes and drinks again. I stayed at the cabin for another day because I didn't want to go home to him drunk. The next day when I was coming home he was drunk again. I stayed at my parents house that night, and the next day went to get some clothes (again he was at the bar all day) and he didn't even want to talk to me, so I got my things and left.
He now hangs it over my head that I left him when I did, but that wasn't my intent and he doesn't believe me. He keeps saying he needs me to just be there and he could do the work. Part of me wants to just try it for a few weeks and see if he actually does something to change, but the other part of me thinks what's the point? He keeps saying he needs me there, and we make plans to see each other and he ends up at the bar and then we don't see each other because I refuse to see him when he's been drinking. He's just too unpredictable.
I just feel so lost and don't know if what I'm doing is right or making it worse? I just wish there was some sort of book that told you what to do in these situations!
In my experience, you are entirely right that going back would just be signing up for more of the same. You're right that he's just too unpredictable, but in some ways his behavior is really predictable - he will get drunk and it will cause chaos.
Alcoholics want enablers because it makes their life and their drinking easier. Whenever we make a change - especially to protect ourselves from the chaos - they have a really strong "Change back!" reaction. Because they want their comfort and enabling. Naturally, they don't want to do the hard work themselves. So they accuse us of not caring (when really the problem is more likely to be that we care too much). They try to manipulate our emotions so we'll return to our old role as enablers. They try to blame their drinking on us. My alcoholic ex-H used to claim that he drank only because I was so paranoid about alcoholism. "If you weren't so sensitive about alcohol, it wouldn't drive me crazy and I wouldn't need to drink!" It's almost laughable, isn't it? If it weren't so tragic.
The thing is that if he's going to go into a recovery program and stop drinking (which is the only way to go for longterm sobriety), he can do that on his own. He doesn't need any other human to be there or to do anything for it to happen. And after he's been sober and stable for a good long time, at least one or two years, then you could go back to him if you wanted to. But go back to him now, when there's been zero action toward being in recovery? Why would he ever think this was an attractive prospect? He's really saying, "Help me pretend that my drinking is completely normal! Help me pretend there's no problem whatsoever!"
And the truth is, his drinking sounds very much as if it's at the dangerous point. To go back and pretend it's not a problem would even be helping him farther down the road of death-defying denial.
But often they try to get us into a position where we feel like we have to get their agreement to stay away. And then they can keep us enmeshed just by failing to agree with us. They want at least to keep us in the argument. But arguing with an active alcoholic is like arguing with an insane-asylum patient who thinks aliens are living in his ears. They simply can't be reasoned with. We don't need their permission to detach and live more sanely.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself!
I really like how you said going back is really saying "let's pretend there's not a problem," that's exactly how I feel. I feel as if I am giving up what I'm trying to do if I got back, and I really don't want to do that. He's pushed so many people away from him after his head injury because that was a HUGE changing point for me as well as others that there will be NO support of your drinking. I feel like he has two options at this point....treatment or death. The later is so scary to think about, but it is the reality. Fingers crossed that he was serious and will go.