I'm really trying so hard not to be critical of myself. My alcoholic fiance was arrested a couple days ago for slashing my tires. He has literally called me 45 times over the last two days. Crying and telling me that he so sorry and all he wants is our family back. Today I answered a call from him at lunch, and while we were talking they notified him that he was getting bailed out. He asked me if I was the one that bailed him out. I said no.
He said he loved me and he couldn't wait to talk to me for more than 15 minutes at a time. He said he would cal me later. Here it is, almost 8PM and no word. Why in Gods name am I so sad???!!! Because I knew he was talking to me because he needed something and getting no phone call at all confirms that. I'm so sad. I'm bitter. I thought I had let go of the outcome but apparently there was part of me that thought that this situation would cause him to have an aha moment. Looks like I was wrong and I wish so badly I did not have the love for him that I do.
The cherry on top of all of this, is thst against my better judgment, I sent a text to his mom that said, "I think it's funny he called me 45 times in two days and then gets out of jail and I hear nothing from him. You know, since he doesn't need me anymore. Tells me everything I need to know. Best of luck to you guys. "
I don't think it's funny at all. I'm heartbroken. I didn't mean that and I'm just feeling really stupid and sad right now.
Junenine said
Nov 3, 2016
i'm so sorry you're going through this. there's no shame in feeling awful and disappointed and heartbroken. seems reasonable that you would feel sad right now. he's making decisions about how to live his life; all you can do is make decisions about how you want to live yours. not easy at all, i know.
Jerry F said
Nov 3, 2016
It was during periods like you are having that I had to commit to the Al-Anon Family Groups because it was so different than how my life was going with the alcoholic/addict wife. I had to learn something new about living my life and I did. Sadness is temporary I was taught in the program and then found out it is. Even today years later it is temporary. I rather feel gratitude. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) ...by the way you have to find the things to be grateful for.
Iamhere said
Nov 3, 2016
kspec - so sorry for the feelings you've got. I remember them as well and when they are 'here' it does seem as if it's here to stay. But Jerry is right - this too does pass and getting to the other side is much easier with support, hope, tools and faith.
I had a very similar situation and it drove me crazy for an evening. I stewed while trying to go to sleep and tried to let it go. By morning, still no contact and that showed me that I really, really needed to focus on me and my recovery if I wanted a different life. I do really believe now that each of these painful moments helped to propel me to see my need for change. I truly had my emotions and self-worth tied up with how others treat/ed me and that just kept having me run up against a brick wall.
Big (((hugs))) to you - sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
kspec85 said
Nov 3, 2016
Thank you all so much. I know it will eventually pass. My heart just aches to feel like I'm worth nothing and all the tears he cried and all the talking he did was worth nothing. Most of the time I have compassion for him being sick, but other times I just hate the disease so much. It's not fair that people can just go around like hurricanes through other people's life. I'm angry and tonight I'm just feeling so devastated. I was coping so well the last couple days. I really hate this intense sadness I feel. I keep trying to read some of the literature, but I just can't focus. And I can't stop crying.
Mattie said
Nov 4, 2016
I benefited from making a list of all the things that my A did like this. When he did come around, I was so relieved and grateful that I tended to forget the bad stuff. It seems like we never will, and yet it happens. Making that list helped me remember. Just a suggestion in case that might work for you. It's all pretty devastating, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.
Calm Lady said
Nov 4, 2016
Sending you hugs and prayers. I relate to the emotional rollercoaster you share about.
pinkchip said
Nov 4, 2016
Kspec, that tire slashing crap is really scary. That is a huge red flag for future domestic violence. I am sorry your heart is hurting but this may be the best thing that could have happened to you for your safety.
pinkchip said
Nov 4, 2016
There was a time when my ex-a started spinning more out of contol...going to mental wards and coming close to going to jail. Suddenly, I was like "WTF!? This is sick. Too much BS and drama. This is not what I want and I don't deserve it in a partner."
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of November 2016 07:08:53 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of November 2016 07:09:27 AM
kspec85 said
Nov 4, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Kspec, that tire slashing crap is really scary. That is a huge red flag for future domestic violence. I am sorry your heart is hurting but this may be the best thing that could have happened to you for your safety.
Rationally and intellectually, I know that any violent behavior of any sort is a red flag for future violence. I KNOW that. It is just so crazy for me to wrap my head around, because in 2 1/2 years, he never called me a name or raised his voice to me. How do you hide violent crazy for 2 1/2 years??!! So the mushy lovey dovey codependent part of me tries to rationalize his behavior in some insane way. I am so thankful I am open minded enough to hear reality from everyone on this forum as well as my dear friends IRL. If left to my own devices, I would likely be a sitting duck.
Mattie said
Nov 4, 2016
The thing is that alcohol increasingly affects the sanity of their thinking. So who he was for 2 1/2 years is not who he is now. I agree that it is scary. Glad you are taking good care of yourself!
Iamhere said
Nov 4, 2016
kspec - I certainly understand the disconnect feeling between the head and the heart. I felt that for a while when I first came to recovery. I considered myself intelligent so knew what I was experiencing and seeing was far from normal. Yet my heart wanted what it wanted.
I truly had to dive into the program to pause myself long enough to realize that my heart wanted something that was just not remotely possible with this person. I wanted peace, companionship, love, laughter, care and joy. I also looked for what I wanted AND needed outside of me. Working the program vigilantly let my align my head and heart and come to accept and understand that no one person could ever give me what I wanted/needed. My needs are met my my HP and my wants are met by my choices.
It took me quite a few speed bumps to get over the hurdle and I still can be let down by others. Today though when it happens, I can process and come out realizing that my expectations again let me down and/or I projected an outcome that wasn't meant to be. Practicing these principles in all my affairs has allowed me to hold tight to my serenity and stop giving my power away to others - including all people, places, things and events.
You can/will get to the other side. It was a slow process for me. I also had to realize that deep down, there was a part of me that held on to others as I had fear of being alone. I no longer fear that because as I've been restored to sanity, I have chosen better quality people to fulfill my social needs. By accepting my qualifiers and having empathy for them, those relationships are working too. For me, unconditional love means I accept others exactly as they are in this space of time. I can certainly love them .... and accept them and at times, this is from a distance.
Just keep working on you and more will be revealed. Hoping today brings you more peace - you and your healing are in my prayers. (((Hugs)))
kspec85 said
Nov 4, 2016
Thank you all. I am feeling a great deal better this morning. My boss took me aside and although he does not know the details, he knows enough. He was very kind and told me that I was attractive and smart and that my options for a partner are unlimited, even if I have convinced myself they are limited. He encouraged me to never settle. It was most definitely over the line and a stretch in boundaries between him and I, but he really hit the nail on the head and I thanked him. He has never approached me in such a fashion. I did not push the conversation forward and he did not push me. Looks like HP gave me an additional nudge in the right direction this morning in a very unexpected way.
hotrod said
Nov 4, 2016
Great ESH Kspec. He was so right on.
Iamhere said
Nov 4, 2016
What a great gift.....I agree with Betty - he's very, very right!! So glad that today's a better day for you...
starcatcher2 said
Nov 4, 2016
kspec85 wrote:
Looks like I was wrong and I wish so badly I did not have the love for him that I do.
The cherry on top of all of this, is thst against my better judgment, I sent a text to his mom that said, "I think it's funny he called me 45 times in two days and then gets out of jail and I hear nothing from him. You know, since he doesn't need me anymore. Tells me everything I need to know. Best of luck to you guys. "
I don't think it's funny at all. I'm heartbroken. I didn't mean that and I'm just feeling really stupid and sad right now.
Hi kspec85,
The heart wants what the heart wants. I've been in your situation. The apologetic phone calls, the silence, and then him calling angry and pointing the finger. It's manipulation at it's best.
For me I felt like I was only a convenience. The worst feeling in the world in feeling that you are only a convenience. I felt so betrayed, used and embarrassed that I let myself be "played" that way. Once I was able to grasp the fact that I didn't have to deal with that drama (I chose to deal with the drama) then I was able to separate myself from him. Your boss is correct. Even though he may have gone outside the "work" box. You don't have to settle. And even though you may be afraid of what the future holds, you can do it. I raised my son by myself when I walked away. No it wasn't easy, but it was the best thing for us at the time. Maybe down the line he will get the "ah ha" moment and work on himself, but for now YOU DO YOU, for you and your babies!
I am by no means telling you to leave him or erase him from your life. I'm just saying please take care of you and your babies (even though they aren't little babies lol). We all deserve some happiness and some piece of mind. I am sure you are a fabulous Mother and a beautiful woman. Down the line when you are ready another man will be lucky to have you. How do I know???? Because you stick with the person you love through thick and thin, and try your best even when YOU don't think your best is good enough. It's good enough! You're good enough.
Hugs to you. Be safe.
sarahGee said
Nov 4, 2016
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I've been there as well, you're good to them until you're no longer good to them.
Even though it hurts, it seems like you've got a good handle on how you are managing through it.
I'm really trying so hard not to be critical of myself. My alcoholic fiance was arrested a couple days ago for slashing my tires. He has literally called me 45 times over the last two days. Crying and telling me that he so sorry and all he wants is our family back. Today I answered a call from him at lunch, and while we were talking they notified him that he was getting bailed out. He asked me if I was the one that bailed him out. I said no.
He said he loved me and he couldn't wait to talk to me for more than 15 minutes at a time. He said he would cal me later. Here it is, almost 8PM and no word. Why in Gods name am I so sad???!!! Because I knew he was talking to me because he needed something and getting no phone call at all confirms that. I'm so sad. I'm bitter. I thought I had let go of the outcome but apparently there was part of me that thought that this situation would cause him to have an aha moment. Looks like I was wrong and I wish so badly I did not have the love for him that I do.
The cherry on top of all of this, is thst against my better judgment, I sent a text to his mom that said, "I think it's funny he called me 45 times in two days and then gets out of jail and I hear nothing from him. You know, since he doesn't need me anymore. Tells me everything I need to know. Best of luck to you guys. "
I don't think it's funny at all. I'm heartbroken. I didn't mean that and I'm just feeling really stupid and sad right now.
i'm so sorry you're going through this. there's no shame in feeling awful and disappointed and heartbroken. seems reasonable that you would feel sad right now. he's making decisions about how to live his life; all you can do is make decisions about how you want to live yours. not easy at all, i know.
It was during periods like you are having that I had to commit to the Al-Anon Family Groups because it was so different than how my life was going with the alcoholic/addict wife. I had to learn something new about living my life and I did. Sadness is temporary I was taught in the program and then found out it is. Even today years later it is temporary. I rather feel gratitude. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) ...by the way you have to find the things to be grateful for.
I had a very similar situation and it drove me crazy for an evening. I stewed while trying to go to sleep and tried to let it go. By morning, still no contact and that showed me that I really, really needed to focus on me and my recovery if I wanted a different life. I do really believe now that each of these painful moments helped to propel me to see my need for change. I truly had my emotions and self-worth tied up with how others treat/ed me and that just kept having me run up against a brick wall.
Big (((hugs))) to you - sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
I benefited from making a list of all the things that my A did like this. When he did come around, I was so relieved and grateful that I tended to forget the bad stuff. It seems like we never will, and yet it happens. Making that list helped me remember. Just a suggestion in case that might work for you. It's all pretty devastating, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.
There was a time when my ex-a started spinning more out of contol...going to mental wards and coming close to going to jail. Suddenly, I was like "WTF!? This is sick. Too much BS and drama. This is not what I want and I don't deserve it in a partner."
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of November 2016 07:08:53 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of November 2016 07:09:27 AM
Rationally and intellectually, I know that any violent behavior of any sort is a red flag for future violence. I KNOW that. It is just so crazy for me to wrap my head around, because in 2 1/2 years, he never called me a name or raised his voice to me. How do you hide violent crazy for 2 1/2 years??!! So the mushy lovey dovey codependent part of me tries to rationalize his behavior in some insane way. I am so thankful I am open minded enough to hear reality from everyone on this forum as well as my dear friends IRL. If left to my own devices, I would likely be a sitting duck.
The thing is that alcohol increasingly affects the sanity of their thinking. So who he was for 2 1/2 years is not who he is now. I agree that it is scary. Glad you are taking good care of yourself!
I truly had to dive into the program to pause myself long enough to realize that my heart wanted something that was just not remotely possible with this person. I wanted peace, companionship, love, laughter, care and joy. I also looked for what I wanted AND needed outside of me. Working the program vigilantly let my align my head and heart and come to accept and understand that no one person could ever give me what I wanted/needed. My needs are met my my HP and my wants are met by my choices.
It took me quite a few speed bumps to get over the hurdle and I still can be let down by others. Today though when it happens, I can process and come out realizing that my expectations again let me down and/or I projected an outcome that wasn't meant to be. Practicing these principles in all my affairs has allowed me to hold tight to my serenity and stop giving my power away to others - including all people, places, things and events.
You can/will get to the other side. It was a slow process for me. I also had to realize that deep down, there was a part of me that held on to others as I had fear of being alone. I no longer fear that because as I've been restored to sanity, I have chosen better quality people to fulfill my social needs. By accepting my qualifiers and having empathy for them, those relationships are working too. For me, unconditional love means I accept others exactly as they are in this space of time. I can certainly love them .... and accept them and at times, this is from a distance.
Just keep working on you and more will be revealed. Hoping today brings you more peace - you and your healing are in my prayers. (((Hugs)))
Great ESH Kspec. He was so right on.
Hi kspec85,
The heart wants what the heart wants. I've been in your situation. The apologetic phone calls, the silence, and then him calling angry and pointing the finger. It's manipulation at it's best.
For me I felt like I was only a convenience. The worst feeling in the world in feeling that you are only a convenience. I felt so betrayed, used and embarrassed that I let myself be "played" that way. Once I was able to grasp the fact that I didn't have to deal with that drama (I chose to deal with the drama) then I was able to separate myself from him. Your boss is correct. Even though he may have gone outside the "work" box. You don't have to settle. And even though you may be afraid of what the future holds, you can do it. I raised my son by myself when I walked away. No it wasn't easy, but it was the best thing for us at the time. Maybe down the line he will get the "ah ha" moment and work on himself, but for now YOU DO YOU, for you and your babies!
I am by no means telling you to leave him or erase him from your life. I'm just saying please take care of you and your babies (even though they aren't little babies lol). We all deserve some happiness and some piece of mind. I am sure you are a fabulous Mother and a beautiful woman. Down the line when you are ready another man will be lucky to have you. How do I know???? Because you stick with the person you love through thick and thin, and try your best even when YOU don't think your best is good enough. It's good enough! You're good enough.
Hugs to you. Be safe.
I've been there as well, you're good to them until you're no longer good to them.
Even though it hurts, it seems like you've got a good handle on how you are managing through it.