Why do we grieve the loss of a relationship with an alcoholic?
sarahGee said
Nov 3, 2016
I've got myself stumped. I can not for the life of me figure out why I am missing my ex so much.
HP has been doing his thing and putting little nuggets in front of me to remind me why what I'm doing is the right thing.
I came across an old text message exchange with a few friends. My ex had convinced me he had no money, couldn't eat, so I lent him $300. He went out the next day and bought a $1100 laptop. I was furious and heart broken. I struggled to buy groceries for my kids that month, while he played on his new gadget.
Last night, laying on the couch with my son, he started talking about my ex and his anger & how he's happy that we don't get yelled at anymore.
And yesterday, I ran into a friend in a parking lot outside of a Walmart. She asked what happened to my car, I had to admit that my ex had crashed it (while high) and I just couldn't afford to get it fixed.
I am grateful that HP keeps sending me these reminders each day, I really need them right now.
I don't understand why I am missing him so much. He treated me and my sons like garbage. None of my friends liked him..
why why why? I am smarter than this!
There has so be some internal.. self esteem issue or something. That's why I turn to you all, I know someone here has experienced the same feelings & hopefully were able to shake yourself free of it.
What are the root causes and how do I make it stop
SerenityRUS said
Nov 3, 2016
I think it's the would have could have should have beens instead of the reality of what was/is. If only they would stop drinking, drugging.. Fill in the blank.. It would be better. I struggled with the issue of rejection .. If he loved me I was ok. I wasn't the issue. I had to remind myself love is not earned it is given same with respect trust and so on. I see what my xah is doing and yes surface wise he's changed to the rest of the world however he's not changed really or how he treats me and the kids totally would be different. I think HP throws out information as I can handle it and gives me a gentle reminder of what I need to know and that's nothing has changed. Step work helps me a great deal I love podcasts of Alanon speakers reminds me of who I want to be and where I was at one point. Hugs out gets better.
Lucy125 said
Nov 3, 2016
Because the alcoholic was not all bad... He had some redeeming qualities. There was hope he would get better, but then you realized he didn't want to get better. I am starting to see that I was addicted to some of these bad relationships just like the alcoholic was addicted to alcohol.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
((Sarah)) Denial is a powerful destructive tool that we used in order to stay in these relationships. It takes time to stay in reality and acknowledge the pain and difficulities caused by the realtionship. I believe that you are correct it does appear that HP is helping you to confront your denial a little at a time.
Remember progress not perfection is the goal
Mercury said
Nov 3, 2016
That is an issue that I am struggling with. I haven't left yet but I know when I do I will miss him because he does have some redeeming qualities but overall I know leaving is the right thing to do for me. I have always been a loner and don't have a network of friends who will be there for me which makes it especially hard. I've been going to meetings and am starting therapy tomorrow in an effort to build up my strength to do what is inevitable. Very scary.
Maybe you could write a list on your phone or an actual list you can keep in your wallet of reasons why you decided to leave and take that out when you feel this way to remind yourself that you did the right thing. I know I will have to do that as well.
ItsAllAboutMeMC said
Nov 3, 2016
Thank you for sharing I am feeling the same way although I haven't really sensed any reminders yet from my HP but I have been praying for them :D My ex ABF was emotionally abusive. In a lot of ways just like my father was. They both would say things to make me feel unworthy. Name calling gaslighting you name it. I had not been in a relationship like this ever. I really only dealt with it with my father when I was younger. I guess what it comes down to is I never did any real healing from the abuse I received from my father if I had I might be strong enough to see the red flags and pull out before it got so bad.
I just broke up with my ex about a mouth ago and I struggle everyday. But no mater how much I think I love him I cant put myself though that again. My therapist says my ex is a godsend. That even though it hurts right now I am going to be so much stronger later.
e_i_m said
Nov 3, 2016
I'm going through this, too. I broke up with my abf in late August. I keep second guessing myself -- was it the right thing to do? Was I too abrupt? Should I give him another chance? What if that was my last chance at love? Sigh. It's hard some moments. My home group meeting tonight was on detachment (ODAT reading). Detaching is really hard for me. I'm trying to let go of the relationship, of my thoughts of what might have been, of everything -- I'm trying so hard to offer it all up to HP, but it's a day by day (sometimes moment by moment) thing.
I came to the realization that I was in yet another relationship with an addict/alcoholic because at some level, I wanted *this one* to be the one who chose me over the addiction. And that's crazy thinking. And I'm so glad I learned that about myself. So now, at times, I wonder if I should get back together with him with that knowledge. I dunno. It's really hard. I think as someone else said, part of it is loving the illusion of what might have been. It's hard. I feel for you ladies, and for myself.
Jerry F said
Nov 3, 2016
You ladies are so right on and thanks so much for the rearward vision of how I was taught/raised in Al-Anon by the fellowship. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know so I had to listen and then ask myself did this all apply to me too? Much of it did so I worked it into my life and still do. I learned I looked for perfection with no or little understanding that it wasn't ever available from anyone and that my mind and emotions and wants and needs would make up for what wasn't there eventually evolving into denial that it ever was there. I passed over so much reality and sanity and accepted the unacceptable and by that time I was toast and turned the negativity upon myself for what I thought I had to do to get out of it. Arrrrgh I was toast again because I did the same things over and over again expecting different results and then...came to understand that as the definition of insanity.
I grieved because it is the natural and normal response to loss period. Like most others I don't like loss...mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically...I grieve and it hurts worse when my ego is involved...when I grieve without holding HP's; God's hand or having God's arm around my shoulder. When I grieve with God with me I grieve differently; I grieve with hope and faith and assurance that I am alright and will continue to be that way and I can smile. There are no losses when I have faith and hope....none.
Great post ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Nov 3, 2016
This disease affects all relationships. I am still with my AH - however, it's vastly different than where we started and where I thought we would be. I grieve more for the damage to the relationships with my sons. Before the disease, they were happy, helpful, respectful, bright forward-thinking young men. Now - it's very, very different. For me, the grieving is about what I dreamed for them/us vs. where we truly are. I also grieve when/if I project the current status forward.
I am grateful to the program and my sponsor for reminding me that God does work in mysterious ways. I also see miracles each day as I look for them. I work to keep my attitude in check and my mind focused on what is good vs. what is not good or what is missing. Lastly, it all seems much easier if I just consider that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be on my journey.
(((Hugs))) to all - grief is real. Feel your feelings just for the moment/today. Then let it go and put faith into your program and the hope it brings to us.
PrettyPink said
Nov 3, 2016
I can relate to this question quite well. My brain and my heart are competing. I actually posted large pieces of paper on several of my kitchen cupboards listing reasons I should not be with him. In my face logic, every time I entered the kitchen. I also believe that we grieve for 'what could have been', not for actually what was. I see him and my heart just skips a beat, but when I really think back on how things were, I know I won't live that way again.
sarahGee said
Nov 3, 2016
Thank you again friends for the wisdom.
I had a really good meeting tonight and it helped me come to an understanding.
You are so spot on when you mention reality vs fantasy.
I have known my ex since I was 5. We grew up together and I took great comfort in the fact that he knew my family, he saw all if it while it was happening. Most people have to tell a partner their life story and the difficulties alcoholism has caused, he saw it all happening live.
He is also an alcoholic, but was able to stop drinking and attended AA for years.
I was so attracted to that. He had won, in my eyes. He was the epitome of strength, he had taken control of himself which was the fantasy I grew up with for my own mother. He did what she wouldn't and I loved him so much for it.
After years of abuse from him I realized that yes, he wasn't drinking but he was still very much an alcoholic.
My fantasy was dashed, but I clung to him for dear life hoping that true recovery -my fantasy- was possible.
I had to let go of that and now I am here learning all about fantasy/reality and that I am powerless over alcoholism.
I created this whole person that didn't even exist and placed that burden on a sick individual. Got angry with him because he didn't live up to the fantasy version of him that I created.
As much as I understand that about myself and have let that go, I hurt for him.
I know I'm just as dangerous to him as he is to me. I am not strong enough to properly handle his issues and I make both of our lives a living hell trying to mold him into someone he's just not capable of becoming.
It sucks and it hurts.
a4l said
Nov 3, 2016
Loss of an ideal and addiction it was for me. My first serious relationship was a living hell. I was also addicted to the highs and lows. Now its like that decade happened to a pair of strangers. I cant relate to myself from that time period at all. Do it does pass. I missed him all the times we split up. I miss smoking as well. Addiction is not rational. I also did mourn what I thought should have been and came to see never ever was or would be with this human who I'd given years of my life too. I would see teenaged girls and cry for what I'd lost wishing them better. It was a strange time. But I had to go through it to get out of it. And I did. Be patient with yourself and kind.
a4l said
Nov 3, 2016
Oh I just read your last poey
a4l said
Nov 3, 2016
Post and wish to both cheer for you and hug you. Your honesty with yourself is amazing and will help you. Sorry it hurts right now. Hugs.
Iamhere said
Nov 4, 2016
(((Sarah))) - great self awareness and processing. Keep working it girl - it looks great on you!
starcatcher2 said
Nov 4, 2016
sarahGee wrote:
Thank you again friends for the wisdom. I had a really good meeting tonight and it helped me come to an understanding. You are so spot on when you mention reality vs fantasy. I have known my ex since I was 5. We grew up together and I took great comfort in the fact that he knew my family, he saw all if it while it was happening. Most people have to tell a partner their life story and the difficulties alcoholism has caused, he saw it all happening live. He is also an alcoholic, but was able to stop drinking and attended AA for years. I was so attracted to that. He had won, in my eyes. He was the epitome of strength, he had taken control of himself which was the fantasy I grew up with for my own mother. He did what she wouldn't and I loved him so much for it. After years of abuse from him I realized that yes, he wasn't drinking but he was still very much an alcoholic. My fantasy was dashed, but I clung to him for dear life hoping that true recovery -my fantasy- was possible. I had to let go of that and now I am here learning all about fantasy/reality and that I am powerless over alcoholism.
I created this whole person that didn't even exist and placed that burden on a sick individual. Got angry with him because he didn't live up to the fantasy version of him that I created. As much as I understand that about myself and have let that go, I hurt for him. I know I'm just as dangerous to him as he is to me. I am not strong enough to properly handle his issues and I make both of our lives a living hell trying to mold him into someone he's just not capable of becoming.
It sucks and it hurts.
Hi SarahGee,
I struggle with the fantasy of what could be. My therapist says it stems back from my childhood and some childhood trauma. The feeling of not being "good enough" even though I am (still struggling with that). My expectations of how my ABF should treat me. He doesn't treat me badly, but he's definitely got some work to do (trying not to have expectations), and so do I which is why I'm in therapy. When/If I do decide to leave I want to have the tools within myself to know it will be ok. I can walk away and not feel guilty because it was the best thing for both of us. So many conflicting emotions in my head that I am trying to work on, but it's difficult. My heart goes out to you and your pain. I can completely empathize with you.
I hope you are having a better day today, and hoping that each day gets better for you.
el-cee said
Nov 4, 2016
I think it's parely the addictive nature of this disease. My ex would drip feed me live and attention. I became addicted to thelp emotionally available then not behaviour.
I also think that we struggle to let go of the fantasy. For me the fairytale marriage all happy Disney style family. I put a lot into making him prince charming and so letting go takes honesty to admit I was wrong I was childish and I was pretending. Time for me to live in the real big grown up world of reality and surprisingly I'm having a lot more fun x
KT2015 said
Nov 4, 2016
I'm still in my relationship with my alcoholic and at times I still grieve the days before I came out of my denial. I second guess myself and my decisions to do things for myself. To detach and to move forward with my own life. And then HP reminds me that I am on the right path. I get similar reminders that you do. And I know I am a lot healthier and happier than I was before. Life is better now than it was then even on the best days. I love this share.
I've got myself stumped. I can not for the life of me figure out why I am missing my ex so much.
HP has been doing his thing and putting little nuggets in front of me to remind me why what I'm doing is the right thing.
I came across an old text message exchange with a few friends. My ex had convinced me he had no money, couldn't eat, so I lent him $300. He went out the next day and bought a $1100 laptop. I was furious and heart broken. I struggled to buy groceries for my kids that month, while he played on his new gadget.
Last night, laying on the couch with my son, he started talking about my ex and his anger & how he's happy that we don't get yelled at anymore.
And yesterday, I ran into a friend in a parking lot outside of a Walmart. She asked what happened to my car, I had to admit that my ex had crashed it (while high) and I just couldn't afford to get it fixed.
I am grateful that HP keeps sending me these reminders each day, I really need them right now.
I don't understand why I am missing him so much. He treated me and my sons like garbage. None of my friends liked him..
why why why? I am smarter than this!
There has so be some internal.. self esteem issue or something. That's why I turn to you all, I know someone here has experienced the same feelings & hopefully were able to shake yourself free of it.
What are the root causes and how do I make it stop
Because the alcoholic was not all bad... He had some redeeming qualities. There was hope he would get better, but then you realized he didn't want to get better. I am starting to see that I was addicted to some of these bad relationships just like the alcoholic was addicted to alcohol.
Remember progress not perfection is the goal
Maybe you could write a list on your phone or an actual list you can keep in your wallet of reasons why you decided to leave and take that out when you feel this way to remind yourself that you did the right thing. I know I will have to do that as well.
Thank you for sharing I am feeling the same way although I haven't really sensed any reminders yet from my HP but I have been praying for them :D My ex ABF was emotionally abusive. In a lot of ways just like my father was. They both would say things to make me feel unworthy. Name calling gaslighting you name it. I had not been in a relationship like this ever. I really only dealt with it with my father when I was younger. I guess what it comes down to is I never did any real healing from the abuse I received from my father if I had I might be strong enough to see the red flags and pull out before it got so bad.
I just broke up with my ex about a mouth ago and I struggle everyday. But no mater how much I think I love him I cant put myself though that again. My therapist says my ex is a godsend. That even though it hurts right now I am going to be so much stronger later.
I came to the realization that I was in yet another relationship with an addict/alcoholic because at some level, I wanted *this one* to be the one who chose me over the addiction. And that's crazy thinking. And I'm so glad I learned that about myself. So now, at times, I wonder if I should get back together with him with that knowledge. I dunno. It's really hard. I think as someone else said, part of it is loving the illusion of what might have been. It's hard. I feel for you ladies, and for myself.
You ladies are so right on and thanks so much for the rearward vision of how I was taught/raised in Al-Anon by the fellowship. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know so I had to listen and then ask myself did this all apply to me too? Much of it did so I worked it into my life and still do. I learned I looked for perfection with no or little understanding that it wasn't ever available from anyone and that my mind and emotions and wants and needs would make up for what wasn't there eventually evolving into denial that it ever was there. I passed over so much reality and sanity and accepted the unacceptable and by that time I was toast and turned the negativity upon myself for what I thought I had to do to get out of it. Arrrrgh I was toast again because I did the same things over and over again expecting different results and then...came to understand that as the definition of insanity.
I grieved because it is the natural and normal response to loss period. Like most others I don't like loss...mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically...I grieve and it hurts worse when my ego is involved...when I grieve without holding HP's; God's hand or having God's arm around my shoulder. When I grieve with God with me I grieve differently; I grieve with hope and faith and assurance that I am alright and will continue to be that way and I can smile. There are no losses when I have faith and hope....none.
Great post ((((hugs))))
I am grateful to the program and my sponsor for reminding me that God does work in mysterious ways. I also see miracles each day as I look for them. I work to keep my attitude in check and my mind focused on what is good vs. what is not good or what is missing. Lastly, it all seems much easier if I just consider that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be on my journey.
(((Hugs))) to all - grief is real. Feel your feelings just for the moment/today. Then let it go and put faith into your program and the hope it brings to us.
I had a really good meeting tonight and it helped me come to an understanding.
You are so spot on when you mention reality vs fantasy.
I have known my ex since I was 5. We grew up together and I took great comfort in the fact that he knew my family, he saw all if it while it was happening. Most people have to tell a partner their life story and the difficulties alcoholism has caused, he saw it all happening live.
He is also an alcoholic, but was able to stop drinking and attended AA for years.
I was so attracted to that. He had won, in my eyes. He was the epitome of strength, he had taken control of himself which was the fantasy I grew up with for my own mother. He did what she wouldn't and I loved him so much for it.
After years of abuse from him I realized that yes, he wasn't drinking but he was still very much an alcoholic.
My fantasy was dashed, but I clung to him for dear life hoping that true recovery -my fantasy- was possible.
I had to let go of that and now I am here learning all about fantasy/reality and that I am powerless over alcoholism.
I created this whole person that didn't even exist and placed that burden on a sick individual. Got angry with him because he didn't live up to the fantasy version of him that I created.
As much as I understand that about myself and have let that go, I hurt for him.
I know I'm just as dangerous to him as he is to me. I am not strong enough to properly handle his issues and I make both of our lives a living hell trying to mold him into someone he's just not capable of becoming.
It sucks and it hurts.
Hi SarahGee,
I struggle with the fantasy of what could be. My therapist says it stems back from my childhood and some childhood trauma. The feeling of not being "good enough" even though I am (still struggling with that). My expectations of how my ABF should treat me. He doesn't treat me badly, but he's definitely got some work to do (trying not to have expectations), and so do I which is why I'm in therapy. When/If I do decide to leave I want to have the tools within myself to know it will be ok. I can walk away and not feel guilty because it was the best thing for both of us. So many conflicting emotions in my head that I am trying to work on, but it's difficult. My heart goes out to you and your pain. I can completely empathize with you.
I hope you are having a better day today, and hoping that each day gets better for you.